Hey Y'all

B

Bigbad1ton

New member
Well as you probably figured I am new here and new to polyamory. I discovered it a while ago and have immersed myself in learning all I can. I am married and we are in our 12th yr. For the most part it has been a healthy marriage, but I've always felt out of place. I love my wife dearly. She is a great woman and a wonderful mother.

I told her this past weekend how I felt and it has been hell on her ever since. I am certain this is the path in life I am meant to follow. We have had several fights, lots of tears, and a whole lot of open discussion which seems to be going well. She is wholeheartedly against the life style. She has taken the time to try to understand and will be joining me by my side on this adventure. I have found that the open lines of communication required to live the lifestyle have been of great help to us in this time of confusion and pain.

Being in central Texas we are going to have trouble finding people who understand. Soon we will be looking for a couple who lives/lived a Poly/Mono relationship as she has many questions I can not answer.

Thanx
Jeremy
 
The wife here. Not sure what all questions I have but trying my hardest to understand a lot things about polyamory, while keeping true to myself, my religion, and my family. My intentions on joining the forum is to learn and see it from someone else's eyes. I am very much so monogamous. My husband is the only person I want or need to be with so it is hard for me to understand how he can be faithful or loyal to me and want to deviate outside of the marriage at the same time. I have been stepping outside of myself to understand without losing myself. I want to make him happy and at least try. I know we have a long ways to go in what now has become an open aspect of our lives together. If any of that makes sense.

Krissy
 
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Welcome Krissy and Bigbad1ton!

Look around, read threads. There is a lot to check out here.

Keep in mind that people are more likely to post here when they are in crisis or otherwise not at their best. (I know I do this!) So you will see much drama and pain - it will seem like poly is nothing else but drama and pain. Just know that this forum does not (and maybe cannot) show all the more positive sides of polyamory. They exist but are not perhaps well represented here.
 
Excellent question about being faithful and loyal. Many mono people cannot understand how it differs. In poly, one remains faithful by respecting the boundaries set in their relationship, by supporting their partner, by remaining committed to their union despite being able to see other people. All too many mono people equate loyalty with only one thing - sex. There is so much more to it than that.
 
I am slowly learning that loyalty and faithfulness can be related more to sticking to boundaries and putting each other first above anything else. Part of loyalty to me is sex but it is also emotional. We are starting slow and just taking very tiny baby steps into this new adventure (for lack of a better way of putting it). There have been many conversations between the two of us over the past several days. When he initially brought it up I was completely closed minded to even thinking about it and to him exploring the feelings he has had. While I am not completely open minded to everything I am not nearly as closed minded either. Like I said, baby steps.
 
Hi Jeremy, and welcome.

Even though actually acting on this desire should, sensibly, be a very long way off,I am curious why you are hoping to find another couple. What sort of configuration do you have in mind? Wife swapping? Are you both heterosexual? Are you expecting Krissy to get involved with someone else even though she's clearly monogamous and you're the one who wants another partner? Do you expect her to sacrifice her own happiness, and go against her personal ethics to please you? I ask, not to be facetious but, in all seriousness.
 
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Jeremy,

I don't know what it takes to slow down or even stop a big bad one-ton, but it seems to me you really should put the brakes on.

I wrote some along these lines on your wife's introduction thread, but I wanted to put my two cents in here, as well.

If your marriage is basically "healthy" as you say, and if your wife is "great" and "wonderful", and if you take marriage and child-rearing as a serious and binding commitment, then it seems at least hasty if not just plain nuts to put all that at risk because you feel "out of place."

What does that even mean?

You feel kinda weird? That's the human condition: we all feel kinda weird, and you just have to learn to cope with that.

And what are you really hoping for?

You seem to have convinced yourself - with how much serious research and careful reflection I do not know - that polyamory is somehow your destiny, your "path."

Before you put your marriage and your children and your household and your connections to your community at risk, you should seriously examine - possibly with outside help - what your motivations are.

I mean, speaking as one middle-aged married man with children to another, might you just be prompted by the fantasy - pushed hard by the culture in which we live - of having a lot of sex with a lot more people before you get old and die?

You'll insist that of course it's not just that!

But are you sure?

Speaking as someone whose own household has been knocked off its foundations by an ill-advised and hasty venture into non-monogamy, you'd really better be sure.
 
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Greetings Jeremy, and Krissy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I read Krissy's intro thread and responded there. It sounds like there are limits to what Krissy will consent to. Jeremy, you, too, have to decide what you can live with and craft a future together with Krissy if you can. Sounds like a difficult situation; I hope we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanx kdt26417

We are trying to start slow (I'm trying really really hard), lots of ups and downs and dialog like I never thought we'd have. The amount of self-discovery has been great. I have learned so much about my wife that I didn't know for it to be worthwhile.
 
In her other thread, she said she won't consent to you having sex outside the marriage? platonic relationships only? Are you going to be willing to settle for that? I have to ask.
 
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