Hi All!

N

naturebug32

New member
Hello everyone! My name is Amy and I'm 45 years old and bi. I'm married to my husband J now for a little over 2 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We live with my stepson E and our dog Jasper. We are now poly since about a year ago. So neither one of us are new to the poly world, it is new to our relationship to each other. We first tried making it a monogamous relationship, mainly because I wanted it... or thought I wanted it. But it began to be a strain in our relationship because he is poly and I was being unfair to him (and myself) by trying to make it monogamous.

His girlfriend last spring didn't work out. When things got a little rocky, she went from saying I love you to him, to dropping him. That really hurt him and he hasn't seen anyone since. I haven't seen anyone yet. I guess I don't know how to begin, it's been so long since I was in the dating phase of a relationship. I also deal with anxiety and depression, so I have that hurdle as well. So that's about it, thanks for reading through my intro. Hope to talk to you all soon!
 
naturebug32 said:
Hello everyone! My name is Amy and I'm 45 years old and bi. I'm married to my husband J now for a little over 2 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We live with my stepson E and our dog Jasper. We are now poly since about a year ago. So neither one of us are new to the poly world, it is new to our relationship to each other. We first tried making it a monogamous relationship, mainly because I wanted it... or thought I wanted it. But it began to be a strain in our relationship because he is poly and I was being unfair to him (and myself) by trying to make it monogamous.

His girlfriend last spring didn't work out. When things got a little rocky, she went from saying I love you to him, to dropping him. That really hurt him and he hasn't seen anyone since. I haven't seen anyone yet. I guess I don't know how to begin, it's been so long since I was in the dating phase of a relationship. I also deal with anxiety and depression, so I have that hurdle as well. So that's about it, thanks for reading through my intro. Hope to talk to you all soon!
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Welcome to the forum. Mono-poly pairings can be a real challenge. The opinions range from "Just don't do it." to "If it's all about universal love, why exclude anyone who is at least open-minded enough to try it." I'm in the latter category. I don't believe we get to choose who we love emotionally, but given time, we can change the way we feel about relationships in general by accepting them for what they are rather than trying to resist or change them to suit our preconceptions or socialization.

My first thoughts about your situation is that you don't have to change anything about yourself that you don't feel is ready. At the same time, neither does your husband. Which means that he should be fine with you behaving mono if that's where you are more comfortable, and you should be fine with him acting on his poly nature, so long as in doing so, you maintain your honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication with each other, and whoever else might become involved. Also, the opinions on bolting poly people onto legal marriages ranges from seriously unethical to completely irrelevant. My opinion is that it's up to all those in the relationship to decide how comfortable they are with the ethical issues, and that it's wiser to get all that out of the way sooner or later.
 
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Greetings Amy,

Welcome back, I went through your earlier threads briefly. Is this the same J as before? You might want to look into OKCupid, it is a poly-friendly dating site and a good way to start meeting people. Also learn all you can about poly, this forum is a great place to start. Post any questions that you might have. We'll try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please review the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the welcome!

Hedgehog- I'm not really sure where I stand with mono or poly. I have been in poly relationships before and I have been in mono relationships before. I thought that I wanted to be in a mono relationship with J and he agreed. Later we got married and then he realized that mono wasn't going to work for him. I was tore up because he had agreed on mono and I felt like he was breaking a promise to me. But I realized that I was asking him to be something he isn't.

I totally agree that honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication with each other and whoever else might become involved is wholly important and we are working on this on a daily basis.

Kevin- thanks for the welcome back! Yes this is the same J as before. We had our fair share of ups and downs as I'm sure you've read. We actually broke up and I moved out for a while. We connected again several years later. His situation had completely changed when we met back up.

Thanks for the suggestion about OKCupid, I might try that. That's actually how I met J in the first place. I plan on reading up more on polyamory, though I have been in poly relationships before. It never hurts to continue learning.
 
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