Hi Everyone!

K

kwags27

New member
I posted earlier looking for advice and then found this and figured I should introduce myself.

I am a 30 year old monogamous female currently trying to navigate into a non-monogamous relationship. We have not officially agreed to any kind of relationship at all, but we have discussed our desire to be with each other. I have no idea what I'm doing.

My guy and I were in a monogamous relationship for almost 2 years when we were teenagers and while considering restarting our relationship 4 years ago, he says he realized he is not a mono person. I gave him the option of sleeping with whomever he wanted as long as he was in a committed relationship with me and he couldn't have feelings for any other females. He said no, he has to have some kind of emotional attachment, whether it is friendship or more, even if he does not think they are relationship material. Now that we know he is poly, and has fallen for another woman, things are extremely complicated. He loves us equally but she and I have issues. I accepted her as part of his life 1 year ago; however she only agreed to accept me as part of his 4 days ago. In the 2 years they have known each other, she has fought tooth and nail to have me removed from his life. He was allowed to be with anyone he wanted with her permission, except for me.

I love him with all my heart and accepting him for who he is now has been incredibly difficult for me. I don't understand the desire to have multiple partners; it's just not something I feel. If any other man I dated asked this of me I would have told him to f*** off. I am doing this for him, and for myself, because being with him makes me so happy and I want him to be happy as well.

I hope to meet many wonderful people here!
 
Hi Kwags,

I'm sorry you've come through to poly in such a difficult manner. It seems like you have been navigating the possibility of poly for more than a year. In order to better understand your situation, can we ask what the level of intimacy is between you and him, as well as between him and the other girl, along with a timeline. In particular, is he already being emotionally or physically intimate and dating both of you, because that might mean you are already in a poly-type relationship in all but name.

It might be that polyamory is not a model for the relationship you would like. If so, consider other ethical models for open relationships. Another resource would be the book "opening up" by Tristan Taormino.

There's a whole bunch of articles here on how to manage a mono/poly relationship (that is, when one of you is monogamous and the other is polyamorous).

You might find some of the resources here useful as well.

Finally, when you say you would have told any other man to f*** off if he wanted to sleep with multiple women but are making an exception for him, your anger strikes me as a red flag for polyamory, as does his other partner's reluctant acceptance of you as her metamour. Polyamory may not come easily to either of you, so please give yourself time and patience to get used to it. If you are typing this post in anger and don't really feel that angry about polyamory most of the time, then there is a possibility that you can do polyamory with your partner. If you really are this angry but feel you're making an exception just for one special guy, then I would caution you that you are likely to feel less and less for him as he insists on his needs for polyamory at the expense of your needs.

I hope some of this proves helpful. And good luck!
-Shaya.
 
Greetings kwags27,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I had a look at your other thread and responded briefly. It seems that you love your guy a lot but it is hard to accept him as poly, especially the way the other woman has treated you. I hope things will get easier as time goes on, and I hope Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you, Shaya!

He and I have been emotionally and physically intimate on and off since I was 17. The physical part stopped for a year back in 2015 when he met his current partner. They were physically intimate, but only had a very limited emotional relationship. Or at least it was limited on his part. He still wanted a relationship with me, but I pushed him away because I was very set on what I thought a relationship should be. In 2016, we became physically intimate again for a short time, but when his partner found out she demanded it end immediately, and she convinced him to enter into a committed relationship with her. He could then only be with another woman if she gave him permission. At the beginning of this year, she decided she would "allow" me to be in his life as just a friend, but that didn't last long. Every time he and I did anything, she would get quite upset. She went so far as to say he had to ask permission to see me before we made plans.

When he first told me I needed to accept her in his life, I took a lot of time to look at myself and figure out what I would be able to handle emotionally. I have worked very hard to be more open-minded and try to see his point of view instead of forcing my monogamous ideals on him. On the other hand, I don't believe his new partner has taken the time to consider what this will mean for their relationship. She is 24 and this only her second serious boyfriend. I realize some people are quite mature at a young age; however, from what I have heard of her and the conversations she and I have had, she isn't one of them. She didn't take enough time apart from him when they broke up about 2 weeks ago before agreeing to come back to him a few days later.

I don't have an issue with polyamory itself, I just never saw it as an option for me and I never cared enough about another man to even be willing to consider it. I read a lot about not entering a poly relationship with the intention of "trying" as it generally ends up with the parties involved getting hurt. I have told my guy that I don't know if I can do what he is asking of me, and he accepts that. The only thing I can do is try because I've never done this before and the only way I will know is if I try. We have agreed to have a conversation if either of us feels things are not working out.

Currently, they are in a "committed" relationship with each other and I am waiting for her approval. He is trying to get her to be more comfortable with me.
 
Hi kwags!

From what you have said and how you've said it and what you've considered, I think you may be more compatible with poly relationships than you think.

But I also think your reservations about his other partner are correct.

Sometimes, no matter who you are or what you do, the mere fact of your existence and position in a metamour's mind is all they can deal with. Who you actually are and what you are actually doing fades into the background. When they see and think of you, it is only a symbol. The physical embodiment of fears and insecurities. Battling you, getting rid of you, is the same as fighting and defeating relationship troubles.

So far, you seem ok. And I'm not necessarily suggesting you walk away (though if it were me, I'd avoid the landmines)

But before it gets deep, I'd suggest you figure out your own personal boundaries. What are you willing to do and willing to accept? What can you accept temporarily and for how long? When do you know to put your foot down and when is it time to walk away? Maybe write them down to reference later.

And don't try to jump through hoops or put yourself in a box. Just be your best, most honest and ethical self and hope they see it. Know what you want, what you are willing to give and live by it. Be clear about it. Be ready to respect yourself by leaving if it's not a match. Don't try to change others.

And thoroughly, truly, take care of yourself. You are dating yourself, too, you know? And you will be with yourself forever. Be a good your own "primary".

It can be hard walking new territory without a nap or experience. It can be hard knowing you have honest intentions but being painted as a villain. You may be painted that way here.

I hope that helps.
 
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Hi Kwags,

Not everyone likes their metamour and that's fine, as long as the two of you can get along cordially in a social situation. I feel that the dislike that the two of you have with each other is likely to trigger strong jealousy reactions which will make this transition to polyamory quite difficult.

I wonder what the 3 of you want in life? Many people want security, children, a house, and so on. Are your life goals compatible with polyamory if he likes someone else more than you and lives with someone else whilst you live separately? In a different situation, what if the two of you live together, start a family together, then he meets someone whom he falls in love with and whom you get along with very well like a best friend - how many ways can you imagine that scenario playing out? Would you ever be open to having another male lover? What if you find yourself falling in love with a new male lover and relegate your current lover to a secondary status or break it off entirely with him because you and your new lover prefer monogamy?

The aim of my questions is to see what the 3 of you want in life? Are you and your metamour both so in love with this one man that you're willing to try things his way even if polyamory is incompatible with your life goals? If that's the case, then polyamory is unlikely to work. Do you see polyamory as potentially able to add to your life? As artemishunt said, you may be able to do polyamory but your metamour may not. If their relationship falls apart, can you imagine you and your partner in a polyamorous relationship with a different (more pleasant) girl or does that make you feel equally uncomfortable?

Good luck. This is not easy. As you continue with this and the jealousy starts to kick in, come back and talk to us. Jealousy is a normal feeling and can be subtle and difficult to identify at times because it masks itself behind more visible feelings of anger and insecurity.
 
Heya, Kwags. Some passing observations for a drizzly Friday morning. ;) I'm gonna refer to your boyfriend's girlfriend as OSO -- slight misnomer, but faster to type.
She is 24 and this only her second serious boyfriend.
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I'm not much to look at, never have been. Yet I was well into polyamory by 24. Based on that, I'd say OSO has minimal excuses here, & you shouldn't be offering up her inexperience as though it's a valid Golden Ticket.

After reading your posts twice, I get the feeling that all three of you need to as individuals sit down & have a good long think to answer the pressing question What the Hell am I doing here?.

Neither you nor OSO seems willing to step away from the crisis of Now, & confront that if your "competition" were to evaporate, you'd soon enough find yourself back in pretty much the same situation, because your "hinge" has already stated AND defended his intent to pursue other relationships both sexually AND emotionally.

If HE isn't going to change, & YOU aren't going to change, then whoever clings longest to this untenable situation is the biggest dummy.
What reason might there be for clinging?
Is constant conflict & anxiety somehow emotionally or psychologically validating?
Is one or more of you needful of a relationship that's conflict-driven & perhaps even outright toxic?
Does one or moreof you believe they need to "win" by turning one (or more) of the others into their preconception of how that person OUGHT to be?
Is everyone in that relationship satisfied that this ought to continue?

I'm seeing elements of cognitive dissonance here --
I read a lot about not entering a poly relationship with the intention of "trying" as it generally ends up with the parties involved getting hurt.

He is trying to get her to be more comfortable with me.
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the mental stress (discomfort) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values
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There's nothing wrong with cognitive dissonance, because figuring out how to resolve perceptual conflict is a powerful learning tool. Conflicts happen in real life. But pretending conflicts can somehow be packed down, sidestepped, or ignored is NOT healthy.

I'd not call your vee "polyamorous" because not only are the communication skills possessed by the three of you not yet up to that level, but it doesn't seem clear that any of you WANTS to communicate deeply. I'd even be wary of calling it "nonmonogamy" as two of you embraces that only reluctantly, in order to "please your man."

Your bf's dyads are best described by the phrase on again, off again. Like, when I "break up with" someone, there's no wimpy Monogamist melodrama where someone stomps off in a snit to pout & fume for a few days then there's the big reunion & all is right again... for a few days & repeat cycle. We end it quickly (days or hours) & totally separate, staying away from each other for months (even years).

All that herky-jerky start -- stop -- start stuff doesn't support use of highfalutin words like partner.
In the 2 years they have known each other, she has fought tooth and nail to have me removed from his life.
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Then he must enjoy it, right? and you must enjoy hanging out with the sort of person who needs that sort of conflict?

Otherwise, maybe he'd say something like "this shit stops NOW -- we either figure out how to find a workable compromise, or it's over."

Either enjoy it, or change it. Tell us which you will do.

Not a decision that requires much outside input -- when you make a decision, there's lots of people here who can offer up their relevant experience.
 
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