Hi from Scotland! Intro + Question

[Viking]

Hello everyone; I'm Viking. I come from Sweden originally, but I now live in Scotland. I'm one of the "arms" of a V+

Just a quick overview:
Me; I'm male, pansexual, probably would be best identified as polyflexible
I; Female, bisexual, polyamorous, my girlfriend of 3 years, who I've been living with for the past 2 years. Probably the love of my life, if such things exist. The hinge of our V.
K; Male, straight, he doesn't identify as poly or mono. I's boyfriend of four years, on and off, plus the past year solidly. The other "arm" of our V. He dates a lot of people.
S; Female, lesbian, polyamorous. She goes on dates with I a couple of times a month.
D; Male, gay, monoamorous but single. My FWB.
And then theres J; female, asexual, she's a close friend of K, I and me, and is K's flatmate.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, I and myself have been living together for two years now, and K and J have been flatsharing for four years. We've recently had the idea of the four of us buying a house together. We're serious about it, and have discussed everything we can think of, though I do feel like we've missed something.

So, thats it. My questions are these; what are the things people are likely to have missed when thinking about living together in a poly relationship? And what do you think is the best thing about living together?

And also, is there a term for someone who is sexually intimate with partners outside their "primary" relationship, but not romantically? Because that would describe K. I've had a look through the glossary, but couldn't find anything.

 

[Nadya]

Hello and welcome!

Now... I could not even read your intro to the end without becoming confused. It is confusing to use only initials, and especially when one of them is 'I'. You have a bunch of people in your poly network - it would be easier to follow your posts if you'd give them nicknames. And please, at least change the letter 'I' to something else!

Edited to Add: re: your actual questions

So, it would be you, Girlfriend and her Other Boyfriend buying a house together, accompanied by an asexual female Friend. Four people altogether. There is a recent thread here about living together: Family style living in poly I suggest you read the thread and then ask more questions. I do co-own a house with my two partners, and can tell you more about our process if you like.

Other Boyfriend could be called monoamorous and polysexual - but really, how important is the definition?

 

[opalescent]

...And also, is there a term for someone who is sexually intimate with partners outside their "primary" relationship, but not romantically? Because that would describe K. I've had a look through the glossary, but couldn't find anything.

I would describe that as being 'open', where sexual connections outside of a 'primary' relationship are accepted. For example, I consider myself poly *and* open. The main difference between the two is that poly is more accepting and desiring of romantic/sexual relationships where open is more focused on sexual connections that are not romantic - and they tend to be the 'outside' activities of people in a couple. But they do shade into each other - an open sexual connection can grow into a romantic one and become more 'poly-like' or a romantic relationship can alter into more of a sexual connection as emotions change.

But as Nadya points out, these definitions, while pretty common, are not standardized. As long as everyone in your network understands the basics and agrees, it's all good.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Viking,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):

"What are the things people are likely to have missed when thinking about living together in a poly relationship?"

Privacy? Finances? Division of labor? What happens if there's a breakup? Those are a few things that come to my mind.

Re:

"What do you think is the best thing about living together?"

For a V it's helpful for the hinge to not have to travel back and forth between separate domiciles.

Re:

"Is there a term for someone who is sexually intimate with partners outside their 'primary' relationship, but not romantically?"

I don't know, polysexual?

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[tenK]

Hi Viking,

Welcome! My partner and I just bought a house together in Scotland, so if you have any questions particularly about the Scottish property system (not sure if you already own the place you're in now), or want a recommendation for a good solicitor, feel free to PM me. I think the main things I would want to discuss in your shoes are the practicalities. Not just the legal division of labour so to speak (whether you want to apply for a mortgage together, whether you want to spread ownership evenly across the board, etc.) but the day to day stuff. Can you afford to get a place big enough to each have your own room? That seems like it would be important, as you don't know how your poly groupings might grow or change over time, and everyone needs a private place to retreat to at times. Are you compatible in terms of how tidy you like the place? How do you want to deal with bills? Joint account? Separate utilities? How do people feel about pets, and can any of you imagine having kids any time soon? These are perhaps not the most glamorous of conversations, but they do need to happen. I think you need to be sure that you could all function well as flat-mates, with or without your romantic connections, since if the worst does happen you will all be committed financially together for quite a long time. It does sound exciting though! I hope that whatever you decide, you're all very happy together!

 

[Nadya]

tenK, a very good list of questions! We also made a written contract on how to divide the responsibilities of house maintenance and repairs. Who pays for what? Whose responsibility is to do the regular maintenance stuff as mowing the lawn in different areas of the property etc. etc. What if someone wants to build something new (an extra bathroom for instance)? In our case the maintenance and tidyness and such has not been a problem: the person does it who has time or enthusiasm for it. The contract was made for to be there if we disagree about things later on - then we can check who *should* be doing this or that.

How do people feel about pets, and can any of you imagine having kids any time soon?

This. The question about children needs to be addressed, and not only "any time soon" but overall - does anyone of you want children some time in the future? How would you deal with it? Would you right away buy a big enough property to accommodate the possible future kids?

I think you need to be sure that you could all function well as flat-mates, with or without your romantic connections, since if the worst does happen you will all be committed financially together for quite a long time.

This is why I would not recommend buying a property together to be the first living together arrangement - but well, we did it and took the risk. In my book, the financial commitment was a bigger deal than marriage, actually.