Hi, I'm a PUD
- Thread starter Amygdala
- Start date
AlwaysGrowing
Well-known member
Welcome. Many here would not really consider your situation poly since you feel like you're under duress. It's not really ethical imo to change a relationship structure without true consent.
Thank you for the welcome.
I guess I am a partner of a poly person then. I'm not poly (at least not yet) as I prefer to see other people without emotional entanglement.
There had been true consent to our relationship change. I initiated opening our 14 year relationship, the wife was on board with that in concept but reality took a while. Through it she found she is poly and not inclined to non emotional hook ups but rather proper love relationships.
I say duress because I do support her needs but because for my own sense of security i wish she was more into hook ups for fun than love.
My journey as I see it is to support her polyness, perhaps discover I am too if i meet the right person also. I support the change, just trying to manage my own set of emotional needs a fragilities and not have her lose balance in her NRE.
I guess I am a partner of a poly person then. I'm not poly (at least not yet) as I prefer to see other people without emotional entanglement.
There had been true consent to our relationship change. I initiated opening our 14 year relationship, the wife was on board with that in concept but reality took a while. Through it she found she is poly and not inclined to non emotional hook ups but rather proper love relationships.
I say duress because I do support her needs but because for my own sense of security i wish she was more into hook ups for fun than love.
My journey as I see it is to support her polyness, perhaps discover I am too if i meet the right person also. I support the change, just trying to manage my own set of emotional needs a fragilities and not have her lose balance in her NRE.
Greetings Amygdala,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I had a look at your other thread, and responded there briefly. To summarize, I don't think it's so much that you are opposed to poly; more that, you just wish your wife would go a little slower on the next go-round. That's perfectly reasonable. And maybe you are scared because you think you might lose her, or because you think she might put you in second place ... Anyone would be scared if they thought that.
Hopefully the forum has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I had a look at your other thread, and responded there briefly. To summarize, I don't think it's so much that you are opposed to poly; more that, you just wish your wife would go a little slower on the next go-round. That's perfectly reasonable. And maybe you are scared because you think you might lose her, or because you think she might put you in second place ... Anyone would be scared if they thought that.
Hopefully the forum has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Greetings Amygdala,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I had a look at your other thread, and responded there briefly. To summarize, I don't think it's so much that you are opposed to poly; more that, you just wish your wife would go a little slower on the next go-round. That's perfectly reasonable. And maybe you are scared because you think you might lose her, or because you think she might put you in second place ... Anyone would be scared if they thought that.
Hopefully the forum has been helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Thank you Kevin.
Yes I got shit scared, you nailed it. I am pro poly, i mean 'duress' as you mention it: I wish it was perhaps more sex driven experiences than falling in love.
All of the comments have been good. I am impressed with the integrity I have already seen. On other relationship forums my posts generally get met with the likes of ''you are a fool, your wife is a selfish..., she's cheating on you, its a slow walk to divorce, it will never work, doomed'' so it is refreshing to find more like minded people who actually listen and dissect posts with critical thinking and ideas. Even the odd negative response can often contain some nugget of value.
I have found in all the responses there are good points made for my self reflection. And it is what i ask for, help in my growth.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
What kind of relationship forums? Are they open to all types of relationships or is there a theme for each? There are a few places where public poly discussion is among several standard choices and you wouldn't get such a pinched view of possibilities.
Here
Fetlife
Poly Subreddit (142,000 members)
More?
And I agree that "poly under duress" is rather a misnomer. The foundation of polyamory is consent among all concerned and consent isn't really consent if someone is under duress. You don't have to have multiple loves yourself to be involved in a poly relationship, but consent is a basic requirement.
Last edited:
General relationship forums that I have found are heavily populated by monogamists and there is little understanding of open/ poly relationships and much derision. I no longer bother with them in the main.
Even the L.A.T community seems to have no safe place other than facebook groups. The FB group I am on are unaware of forums that even have heard of it. They too are soundly derided on general forums.
This forum is by far the most supportive and helpful that I have found. And my preference to use now.
Yes, I concede PUD was probably the wrong terminology at the time of posting. I think It has been cleared up where I was coming from.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
I think that approach can be helpful in some ways. For one, if one can't defend why one's partner isn't just being selfish, then maybe their partner is just being selfish. I've had the experience of a new to poly person saying that their mono friends or forums or therapists just don't get poly and when they've gone on to describe their situation, I've found the details equally problematic as those "ignorant" mono people.
Another advantage is that it helps you establish why the values they are promoting don't work for you. For example, they might allude to your partner as comparable to your property where their time is essentially your time. You might not view the world that way and instead view your partner's time as something they thankfully share with you and very much their own possession. So sure, if you see your partner's time as something they are obliged to give you, then it makes sense to feel offended and rejected when they want to share it with someone else. But if that premise rankles you in some way, you might feel more committed to a structure that doesn't include exclusivity.
In terms of consent, there are a number of poly people (I'd include myself here) who think "knowledge" is more encompassing than "consent". While it is easy to say that if someone isn't enthusiastic in their consent, you should count that as non-consent, the reality is more complex. In our relationships we often do things that we wouldn't choose to do because the reward is worth any downsides in the long run. For example, I might choose to follow my nesting partner across the country for a new job because sustaining our relationship is worth the heartache of leaving a home and nearby loved ones. It doesn't mean I haven't consented just because I find the move deeply upsetting.
When you routinely decide that someone's consent is invalid purely because you feel their mixed feelings negate their consent, you are actually oppressing their autonomy and attempting to police their feelings.
So maybe the definition is more "with the knowledge of all others" rather than "the consent of all others" covers people who highly value individualism as well as those who are more couple-centric.
Another advantage is that it helps you establish why the values they are promoting don't work for you. For example, they might allude to your partner as comparable to your property where their time is essentially your time. You might not view the world that way and instead view your partner's time as something they thankfully share with you and very much their own possession. So sure, if you see your partner's time as something they are obliged to give you, then it makes sense to feel offended and rejected when they want to share it with someone else. But if that premise rankles you in some way, you might feel more committed to a structure that doesn't include exclusivity.
In terms of consent, there are a number of poly people (I'd include myself here) who think "knowledge" is more encompassing than "consent". While it is easy to say that if someone isn't enthusiastic in their consent, you should count that as non-consent, the reality is more complex. In our relationships we often do things that we wouldn't choose to do because the reward is worth any downsides in the long run. For example, I might choose to follow my nesting partner across the country for a new job because sustaining our relationship is worth the heartache of leaving a home and nearby loved ones. It doesn't mean I haven't consented just because I find the move deeply upsetting.
When you routinely decide that someone's consent is invalid purely because you feel their mixed feelings negate their consent, you are actually oppressing their autonomy and attempting to police their feelings.
So maybe the definition is more "with the knowledge of all others" rather than "the consent of all others" covers people who highly value individualism as well as those who are more couple-centric.
I would say I agree with this too.
I have chosen to follow or accommodate poly in my Minxi's future because I do believe the risk and possible heartache is worth the journey with her. I see great rewards for the work now, in the next 5 years and into old age even. Even though i find it upsetting at times (and only at times) doesn't mean I'm not on board.