Hi im new to the forum just trying to learn.

J

jayrun

New member
Hello,
My name is Jason. My girlfriend and I have untill recently had an open swinging relationship. Complete with limits and rules and veto power over the others partners. One of those rules is is you can have sex with anyone you want but the moment you or your partner mention feelings romantic stuff love or anything other than good sex you immediately tell eachother and back out or even cut off all contact with the other unfortunate party. I know this is almost anti poly. When this happend with me i followed the established rules and stopped seeing this girl at my girlfriends vociferous insistance. Now the shoe is on the other foot and her and her other partner have both developed a case of the i love you as more than a friend. Now she is asking me to consider allowing her to persue a one sided polyamorous relationship with me as primary and him as a loving romantic partner. I am trying to consider it without bias but this is not easy when i had to give up my partner but now she wont give hers up. I feel betrayed and railroaded into something im not sure i am ready for or even want. Can anyone help me here i am struggleing.
 
Greetings Jason,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I guess my question is, was it just the one time that your girlfriend treated you bad, or is treating you bad a pattern of hers? If it was just a one-time thing, I guess forgive-and-forget is an okay response ... provided that there are no more rules about breaking up with people you have feelings for. If she tries to make you break up with someone again in the future (and for the same reasons), then I'd say you'd really know she couldn't be trusted.

Forgiveness and trust are, in fact, two different things. You can decide to forgive someone but that doesn't automatically mean you'll trust them. Does that make sense?

Hope that helps a bit.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Thanks for the reply. This situation is on going. Im looking for info on something like this but all i can find is about mutual partner ships not ie a couple being involved with someone else or a couple together not a one sided thing like is going on here and absolutely nothing about feeling ambushed and railroaded like this.
 
I'm not sure what we have on the topic you're looking for, and I'm not sure how to look for it. There's a search box, obviously, plus tag search and advanced search, and usually you can find just about any topic, but I guess some topics don't lend themselves well to keywords.

You don't think your girlfriend planned all this ahead of time, do you? It seems to me that she just didn't realize what it was like to be in your shoes until she was wearing them. Now she's wearing them, and realizing the rule you had (about backing out if there's feelings, romantic stuff, love, or whatnot) wasn't as great of an idea as she (and as both of you, originally) had thought.

If the topic can't be found, we may need to create that topic right here on this thread. Hopefully people in the future will find it and benefit from it.

I just now tried some searching for "ambushed" and "railroaded" ... no luck.

What can I do to help?
 
Selfish much?

Hi,

I think one of the most difficult things about polyamory is to consider each situation with a "what would I want and what would I do if the shoe was on the other foot" perspective. This works both ways. All relationships are give and take, for her to ask you to consider allowing her a one-sided poly relationships, it kinda violates the principals of both poly and swinging- not to mention just looking out for each others best interest. This sounds like a pretty selfish proposal. If you decide to move more toward the polyside of the non-monogamous continuum that should apply to both of you.
 
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