Hi, I'm Subtle...

Subtlegong

New member
So about 12 years ago I had a rough ending to my last committed monogamous relationship. I tried casual relationships for a few years but it didn't really fit my life style. For the last 8 and a half years I've been single and not seeking relationships. "Love Shy" is the most common word I've heard thrown around.

For a lot of those years my most common issues that kept coming up that made me avoid relationships was my dislike of jealousy, possessiveness, loss of personal identity, and a fear of abusive/unequal partnerships. The more I understood about Poly relationships over the past few years the more I started to suspect that my issue was with monogamy. So I searched for this community to get an idea for whether or not pursuing poly relationships might help me avoid some or all of the things that keep me from seeking relationships.

On a related note how would I even seek a poly relationship? Forgive the vanilla question but I've only witnessed a few poly relationships in the wild and while healthy looking it felt intrusive to ask too many personal questions.

Anyways...

Hi, I'm Subtle. Its my hope that next year I can stop smoking and get over my love shyness. I'm not expecting much help in the first regard, but maybe some of you can help with the second.
 
Greetings Subtle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Generally the way you would seek a poly relationship is to sign up on OKCupid, and/or google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city. Such a google search could tell you whether there are any local poly groups in your area. Of course, with the pandemic going on right now, local poly groups are probably not meeting up right now, but maybe that'll change once we have a widespread vaccine.

Based on the things you want to avoid in future relationships, I would say it is hopeful that polyamory is right for you. Just be aware that polyamory isn't bombproof, you can still get jealousy, possessiveness, loss of personal identity, and abusive/unequal partnerships in poly relationships. But your odds are better. The other thing to realize is that poly takes patience; it takes longer to find a poly partner than it would to find a mono partner.

Hopefully you can get over your love shyness; we will try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome to the group. Poly is not for all. My Ewe has come to the conclusion today that she is not poly. That is the risk that you run. Poly can be rewarding and awesome. It can also be a painful experience. Go slow, read much, ask questions and talk to your potentials. You will find some caring folks that have great inside.
 
welcome to the forum :)
 
Welcome, Subtle!

I agree with Kevin that it takes longer to find a polyamorous partner than a monogamous one. Patience is key.

I've also found that there are many different styles of polyamory and dating in general: parallel, kitchen table, solo poly, polyfidelity, relationship anarchy, and plenty of others I've probably forgotten to list. You can read about lots of them here. Take your time to figure out which styles work best for you. :)
 
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