Hi folks,
I'm wondering what anyone's opinion is when it comes to hierarchies in relationships?
I've only very recently become 'actively' poly, and have been seeing a man (J) for a few months. He and his wife (A) have been together 11 years in total. Now, to me, it's only right and appropriate that she 'out-ranks' me, partly because they're married but mostly just because of how much longer they've been together.
I'm also J's first relationship since he got married. A has been struggling with it, and struggling very loudly! However, the three of us went for coffee a while ago to try and begin some sort of friendship between me and A. She said that she was going to do her best to be supportive, for J's sake. She also said that both of them didn't believe in 'hierarchical' relationships with a primary, secondary, etc. I felt that it was very nice of them both to say that, but I couldn't agree with them because, for whatever reason, I've always been more comfortable with the primary-secondary paradigm.
A and I have been emailing, to try to become friends. It's going..... ok.... ish. She has a habit of slipping in some little unnecessary sentence about how she and J had a lovely cuddly night in on Saturday, or how great he is when she's upset, or whatever. I feel uncomfortable with this. I don't know if it's a modicum of jealousy, or if I just feel weird hearing about their private married life together. When I do feel like this, the only thing settles me is to remind myself that, as his wife, she outranks me.
Now weirdly enough, J told me last night that A has been asking for a more ‘hierarchical’ setup, wherein I’ll be called the secondary. I was surprised that she was going back on her word, but otherwise not surprised. I’m also not at all uncomfortable with the idea because as far as I’m concerned, I’m already secondary to his wife of years! But J hates the idea because he feels like it makes his feelings for me out to be less valid.
I’m like a newborn to the poly world and haven’t a notion how to deal with A’s jealousy, my own (kinda) jealousy, and just everything! I get that what’s going on between J and A is between them to sort out, so I’m not looking for advice so much as… insights! I’m very curious to know what people think about this hierarchy thing in general.
Looking forward to chatting with everyone!
I'm wondering what anyone's opinion is when it comes to hierarchies in relationships?
I've only very recently become 'actively' poly, and have been seeing a man (J) for a few months. He and his wife (A) have been together 11 years in total. Now, to me, it's only right and appropriate that she 'out-ranks' me, partly because they're married but mostly just because of how much longer they've been together.
I'm also J's first relationship since he got married. A has been struggling with it, and struggling very loudly! However, the three of us went for coffee a while ago to try and begin some sort of friendship between me and A. She said that she was going to do her best to be supportive, for J's sake. She also said that both of them didn't believe in 'hierarchical' relationships with a primary, secondary, etc. I felt that it was very nice of them both to say that, but I couldn't agree with them because, for whatever reason, I've always been more comfortable with the primary-secondary paradigm.
A and I have been emailing, to try to become friends. It's going..... ok.... ish. She has a habit of slipping in some little unnecessary sentence about how she and J had a lovely cuddly night in on Saturday, or how great he is when she's upset, or whatever. I feel uncomfortable with this. I don't know if it's a modicum of jealousy, or if I just feel weird hearing about their private married life together. When I do feel like this, the only thing settles me is to remind myself that, as his wife, she outranks me.
Now weirdly enough, J told me last night that A has been asking for a more ‘hierarchical’ setup, wherein I’ll be called the secondary. I was surprised that she was going back on her word, but otherwise not surprised. I’m also not at all uncomfortable with the idea because as far as I’m concerned, I’m already secondary to his wife of years! But J hates the idea because he feels like it makes his feelings for me out to be less valid.
I’m like a newborn to the poly world and haven’t a notion how to deal with A’s jealousy, my own (kinda) jealousy, and just everything! I get that what’s going on between J and A is between them to sort out, so I’m not looking for advice so much as… insights! I’m very curious to know what people think about this hierarchy thing in general.
Looking forward to chatting with everyone!