H'ok So.....

I'm feeling infinitely better. Actually, I was after that first day. I knew that a big part of it was just irrational feels that weren't based in fact and logic, so I just needed to feel them and let them pass.

But Sudo and I had a conversation about how "waiting for a good time" to tell me big deal stuff is NOT ok and there's never a perfect time to tell something and I'd rather know sooner than feel like important info was withheld from me. Hopefully that sticks. I think as part of some D/s homework I'm going to have Sudo read some articles or resources on various topics like being a good hinge, communication in relationships, conflict avoidant behavior, etc. He's just still so "trained" to do certain behaviors based on being with Peach for so long. I could probably stand to do some reading myself on how to best communicate with people who ARE so conflict avoidant, etc.

Either way, the feelings passed and I'm feeling good now. In fact, we even joined Dancer's family at their community pool yesterday and all hung out, then I went home while Sudo and Dancer got some alone time, then they came back to our place, we all 3 hashed out some D/s negotiations as a group, and then Dancer spent the night at our place with Sudo. And while I woke up this morning and just got to work and felt like I missed Sudo, I don't feel like that's a negative reflection of them having a date night. I thought we all had a great day and we're all in a good place. But I do wish I had some cuddle time with my Sudo. It was a busy weekend and tonight is date night with Mr. Hyde.

For the first time, Mr. Hyde is coming to my new house! We don't do overnights, so he'll go home late, but I'm not sure if I'll really want to shower the feel of his skin off of me and crawl back into bed with Sudo. Then again, I've been missing Sudo, and I know this first time of having Mr. Hyde over might be hard for him, so I might go ahead and do that. I'm really just not sure what's going to happen. I'm confident Sudo will be trying not to be home as much as possible tonight. So he's going to go do some work on his townhouse in the evening and possibly meet Dancer for some late night drinks when she finishes a work meeting.

In other News, Peach and Joe will be at our house tomorrow night and Thurs night visiting. They're bringing the pups, so Sudo is going to be super happy about that. As good as it will be to see them again (especially sans child) I wish it wasn't for the last 2 nights that Sudo is in town before he and I leave for overlapping work trips and don't get to see each other for a week and a half. Sunday night was basically our last night together alone in the house before the trip :(
 
This blog is excellent.

I just love reading the stories. I was chuckling, nodding, and gasping out loud as I read through it. Such great insights etc.

Thank you for writing it.
 
So much has happened I can't even begin to write it all out.

The biggest was a really hard drama with Mr. Hyde's wife, Mrs. Hyde. I think I mentioned in here that she recently reached out on Fet and said that she had a sort of moment and realized she should be nice and wanted to try to be friends. Well that didn't last long. I made a cute post on Fet about Mr. Hyde where I didn't use his name at all, but I described the first part of our scene (prior to sex stuff, just spanking and touching) and how I kept getting distracted by the socks he was wearing because I noticed that they had little ninjas on them. Well apparently they were a matching pair to ones that their son has and were a gift from Mrs. Hyde, so just reading the post triggered who the fuck knows what and she just got all upset, reached out and told me that she found it upsetting that I felt the need to write publicly about "HER husband" (yes, with the all caps) and that she didn't mean the message as a threat or ultimatum, but she felt that I needed to know how she was feeling/impacted. UGH. I mean, I felt bad that she felt so bad, and the message was SO passive-aggressive (sorry, but if you have to state that your message isn't a threat or ultimatum, then it is) that it left me feeling not confident in my place in the relationship with Mr. Hyde and like if I rocked the boat too much he might end things, if for no other reason than him possibly not wanting to, but not wanting to get too much grief from her. I told her I was sorry she had been triggered and that I wouldn't post anything for a while, but hoped that we could come to some sort of middle ground. I also said that I wanted to know what she didn't want to hear about in actual public settings like if her and I saw each other and were talking in kink spaces. I mean, I can talk to other people about whatever the hell I want, but if she doesn't want to hear about the details between Mr. Hyde and I then I won't talk to her about them.

Well afterwards I felt like shit because realistically I shouldn't have taken the post down, I shouldn't even have to not post those sort of things since I don't use his name so no one can trace "my Dom" back to HIM specifically. Not in real life or tracing it back to his profile. I was super upset, told Mr. Hyde as much and we agreed to talk about it later and I wanted to get my thoughts down in writing since it helps me process. Plus, this all happened right before my last night with Sudo and before my work trip, so it was just bad timing.

Well lo and behold the next week Mrs. Hyde responds finally about my other question saying that she mainly just doesn't want to hear intimate details and basically said that the preferred behavior was not publicly posting any writings, intimate details, or "love" notes (and yeah, love was in quotes). I came clean and told her that I wanted to be honest and that I wanted to respect her feelings, but I was struggling with the restrictiveness of not being able to post anything considering I felt like I did everything possible to not risk their privacy (seeing as they're not really out in the world as poly) since I never use a username, etc. Well queue the start up of another aggressive response saying that despite her having a rough week the week before, she's not fragile and she's not backing down from this and I'm backing her in a corner, etc. I mean.... what. the. fuck? Me, continuing to try to be calm and polite responded that my intent wasn't to back her into a corner, but that I was trying to understand what the real underlying issue was. Privacy? I don't use names. So is it just that I need to be careful about what details I note, like jewelry or any possible identifying markings? Was it just her not wanting to see details? In which case we shouldn't be Fet friends and should only be in touch through messaging and real life so that those things aren't in her face. The response was more super passive-aggressive bullshit that basically was like "hmmm. see the previous responses" but basically 1- privacy (again, how the hell does that make sense since I already pointed out that I'm not risking their privacy... especially when they have their own fet pages!) and 2- she doesn't want anyone posting intimate details about HER husband. Ugh Ugh Ugh!

So she said "I'll let you and Mr. Hyde work this out." and I haven't spoken to her since. What I *DID* do was immediately message Mr. Hyde before he had a chance to get an earful from her and was just like "ok, I tried to be understanding and nice, but I'm don't being treated like shit so it's time for you to be the hinge that you are, cause this is going nowhere."

Since then, he's talked to her, and I finally got all those thoughts down and sent him a big long message addressing my concerns with not feeling like I knew where he and I stood (how important was I to him and how much or how little would it take for him to walk away vs him fight for us), the hierarchy issues, being disrespected and controlled by a meta, the need for him to hinge and not have her talking to me in "us" and "our marriage" terms as if she speaks for him too (or if she says that, I'll ignore it and I only intent to accept his views from him) and the censorship in general.

He responded to reiterate to me that he really wants us and our dynamic to work, and he's willing to put the effort in to make it work, which was good to hear, but that after reading through my whole letter he wanted me to feel heard but couldn't promise that we'd be able to reach a settlement on ALL points that I would be completely happy with. Not surprised... when he's stuck between 2 partners that want 2 different things, there isn't always a compromise. I figured that he would end up caving and saying that for now it would be best if I don't post any writings that reference him (he hasn't said that this is the thing I wouldn't like, but I'm not an idiot, I can guess). Realistically, I can live with that for now, even if it does piss me off. The thing that I don't really want to cave on is being able to post any pics of myself that he takes during a scene (again, I wouldn't tag him and he wouldn't be in them at all). The other thing is that I think it needs to be acknowledged that I'm willing to cave, but they better recognize and accept the extreme couple's privledge that they're forcing onto me, and that I'll be damned if I'm going to accept some BS excuse about privacy. This is bottom line about her insecurity and being territorial, and that's it. And frankly, if she'd have come to me with that in the first place and said "hey, I know this is kind of unreasonable and not really fair to you, but this REALLY upsets and triggers me, so I would really like you to not do that. Can we please have a conversation about it?" then it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. I'd have been a little bummed, and I'd have wanted to talk it out to see if I could either get her to see the logic or at least talk about whether this was temporary while she works on her shit. But the whole "come at me, bro!" gotta go piss on the fire hydrant and mark my territory bullshit was just insane, and so upsetting. I spent days crying over this and how hurt it made me. It showed me that after 1.5 years of he and I dating she STILL doesn't accept that I'm his girlfriend and not just his kink play thing and that she should get to set the rules for me. And it left me sitting there wondering if I had it all wrong and I also didn't mean as much to him as I thought I did.

It was good to know that he was way more rational in this whole thing and stayed calm and reassured me that I'm important to him (though that was still sort of an ambiguous response that when we actually get to talk in person I want him to elaborate on). I just, ugh. I still haven't unfriended her on Fet, which I need to go online and do. Actually, I just went and did it now. Regardless of my posting or not, I don't need any of my shit popping up in her feed if all it does is set her off, and frankly, I don't want her shit popping up in mine (her recent scene pics already have) since all they do is piss me off since it's obvious she gives no thought as to whether her pics bother me (which they don't aside from the double standard bullshit).... but then again SHE'S his WIFE, so of course she shouldn't have to worry about my feelings, right?! Ugh.
 
So much more to blog about. My work trip, my vacation in Seattle with my mom, and my vacation right after that with Sudo to go see his parents. Yup, met the future in-laws for the first time. LOL. But alas, I'm done with this for the day. Another time....
 
WOW. Definitely she is being territorial. I think you have it right here, and it isn't looking like she wants to back down. Unfriending her was probably the right way to go. I have told PunkRock in the past that if dated someone else, I don't think I could handle reading details or love notes, so I would unfollow him from my Facebook feed. That would actually work pretty well, since 90% of the stuff he currently posts is directly to me and for my eyes only anyway. I wouldn't need to see the other things. He's told me that it wouldn't be an issue, but who knows? Clearly Mrs. Hyde has a problem, but I think she is putting it on YOU to solve, when it is her having the upset. She should have taken the initiative to say, wow, this is triggering and I will not be healthy if I keep reading this, and then let you know she would be unfriending you and why. That way, there's not this big drama. Doesn't look like she wants to own her shit though. That has got to be difficult. I think you did the right thing to unfriend her so you can post what you want.

I hope Mr. Hyde is able to hinge away her insecurities so you don't have to worry about them further impacting your dynamic with him.
 
Here's the thing... I still can't post what I want because she doesn't want anyone posting about her husband whether she can see it or not. Apparently even knowing that it happens isn't ok. Though I think that's BS, since if she hadn't seen it, she wouldn't know it was happening and wouldn't have commented in the first place.

Anyway, go figure, time passed and now another shit storm flurry of emails. She saw that I unfriended her and messaged me to say that it was hurtful and I guess she assumed I was trying to offend?! Apparently she felt like I could have just unfollowed her if I didn't want to see her feed, which neglects to consider the fact that I don't care about seeing her feed, I didn't want my stuff in her feed.... but now that I've looked at the options, she could still follow me even if she wasn't my friend and have my stuff on her feed. gah! Anyway, she fortunately didn't blow up this time and I had a chance to explain that my point wasn't to offend, it was how I was trying to pull stuff from both feeds, as I figured she still has the option to intentionally look at my profile if she wants. I didn't block her. She said something about not meaning to come off as so aggressive in past messages, but that my posts made her feel territorial. She's not used to him having other partners that have "feelings" (yes, they were in quotes and that irks me) and Mr. Hyde is her world and she'll never allow there to be an equal partner in the relationship and nor will Mr. Hyde. Now that I've gotten more messages from her I'm learning to see that she doesn't MEAN for these things to come off sounding supper shitty... but I'm thinking she just doesn't really understand how her word choices come across in a poly setting. Clearly it's important to her to have hierarchal poly. You can say that and it sounds much less aggressive than saying "I'll never allow there to be another equal partner." Yikes!

I kept calm, and I said that I have no intention of being a primary partner, nor do I consider Mr. Hyde mine. That clearly texting isn't a good communication method for either of us because both people are misinterpreting the intent of the other person's messages and actions (I mean, I get her intent, and disagree to a certain extent, but it's her tone that comes across so poorly). She agreed. We both readdressed the need to be heard and have feelings respected, and that in person communication and just getting to know each other more is probably what needs to happen.

Frankly, if she took the time to get to know me rather than jump to conclusions about my motives, she would see that she has nothing to worry about, and then maybe these things wouldn't trigger her so much. I also clarified with her that as long as I could still post pics of myself on Fet if Mr. Hyde had taken them of me, then it wasn't as big of a deal to me if I didn't post the written stuff, which she said was fine with her. Granted, that still leaves me confused about why this bothers her so much, but whatever. It's frankly not worth the drama to me.

Oh, most fun part, she was commenting that she feels like she's failing at poly and now both of Mr. Hyde's partners were removed from her on Fet and he was pissed at her, etc. And I was like "ummm.... I'm sorry.... both?" *insert record scratching noise here as my heart stops* WWWHHHAAAATTTT?!

Luckily her response was just that it was me and XYZ, who was not a name I'd never heard. Mr. Hyde went on a date or 2 with a new woman and I even met her since I think that second date was at a kink event that Sudo and I were at. But I heard nothing about her after that, so I had assumed that it petered out, where as Mr. Hyde has assumed that since he told me he was starting to date her, that I would continue to assume they were dating. And he sees here very infrequently, so it would seem she just never came up in our conversations. O.M.G.

So Mrs. Hyde is all "wow... ok, I'm gonna back away now slowly.. didn't mean to get him in trouble" And then Mr. Hyde is messaging me saying "ok, so I was told you didn't realize we were still dating, but I thought you knew and holy shit I'm sorry and feel terrible and I swear I wasn't trying to hide it!" Which I know him well enough now to know that's true, but it was still a shock there for a moment. So I basically said that yes, I was upset, but because of ALL the stuff going on and that it's 1 thing after another, not so much that I was just really upset about the new(ish) partner. So this was just 1 more thing to add to the list of crap to communicate about.

He apologized again, and also said that he told Mrs. Hyde to just stop messaging me for a while (I'm assuming that he got the gist of the rest of the convo maybe), to which I agreed, and said that we either need to get to know each other more in person first, or the convos need to be kept to pretty much anything BUT our relationships with him.

I also told him that I was feeling hurt by him not making a point to prioritize seeing me when we've had all this shit happening so that we could finally have a convo about the letter I wrote him. We were supposed to have a date night Monday... but it turns out that had only ever been tentative and then his schedule got busy for the whole week. But for me that's like... ok, busy with what? Unless every single night you have kid stuff or work stuff or something that must be done, I would think finding time to see me, even for lunch to hash things out, would be important! So, I dunno. I'm bummed. Even the lunch thing would be hard unless I had the day off or was teleworking, cause I don't want to go get all emotional at some public place, more so near my office where I might run into coworkers. So now it looks like those discussions are postponed for yet another week :(

so just... ugh. Poly has been kicking my ass lately.
 
In OTHER news... I was out of town for 2 weeks on a 3 part trip. First I was in Seattle for a work meeting, then I stayed there and my mom flew out to join me for vacation, and then I flew back on a red eye and Sudo picked me up from the airport and without going home we drove straight to Alabama to visit his parents (I met them for the first time).

The work trip was fine. Same trip every year but usually a different location. Lots of technical stuff, some sidebar meetings, etc. The Seattle vacation though... awesome. We technically didn't stay in Seattle, but just north in a condo that my mom got free access to. So we saw all the sights, spent some time in Seattle, also went over to the Mount Olympic National Park. Drove around to beaches and mountains and waterfalls and did a little hiking. We of course went up in the Space Needle, we did a harbor cruise, we rode the big wheel (ferris wheel that goes out over the harbor), and walked through Pike's Place Market. I brought home jellies, homemade flavored pasta (chocolate, rosemary lime, and a curry flavored one), pickles for Sudo and another gift for him that shall remain unnamed for now. I managed to sneak a gift purchase for my mom of this cat silhouette for her garden, I got a bag of coffee beans for Dancer since she loves coffee, and snuck another shirt purchase that says "Seattle makes me wet" since I couldn't very well buy it in front of my mom. Well, I could but didn't want to go there.

Oh, a REALLY cool part of our trip was doing a tour of the Seattle underground. Basically, there was a huge fire back in the 1890s that wiped out most of the city. When they rebuilt it, they decided to regrade a massive hill that Seattle was built on, so they pushed the hill down to level it more. That took enough years that shops rebuilt and put additional entrances on the second story since the new roads would be built a story higher and then filled in around the buildings. So we got to go in and out of these old underground spaces under the stores and see old relics of the past and signs and stuff, all while hearing a great recounting of the history of that time, that also had lots of puns and humor mixed in! If anyone ever goes, I highly recommend the tour.

So yeah, got back from the trip and went to Sudo's parents place. They were super nice and the trip was great. His mom though is a constant talker and always trying to fix a drink or offer food or point out this or that... kind of exhausting! His dad though is more quiet and reserved. But at one point Dad and I went out fishing for about an hour by ourselves and left Sudo with his mom. It was awesome. I only caught a small 1 year old stripped bass, so nothing to write home about, but at least I caught something. I haven't been fishing in probably a decade, but I picked up casting quickly again. I need to plan another fishing trip! Sudo hates fishing, so he was happy to stay behind. :p

It would have been nice to have a bit more alone time for the 2 of us, but Sudo hardly ever sees his parents, so I can't begrudge them wanting to spend the full days with us. His mom drove us around the area and we saw some great park areas and a waterfall, and other cool nature type stuff that is local to them (not much else since they live in the middle of nowhere on a lake!) and Sudo got to fly his drone and nerd out taking pics of the landscape. He's so adorable and easy to please! We did at least get some time 1 afternoon where we went and swam in the lake on our own, so we just floated around looking at each other and talking and splashing, and eventually doing some fun sexy stuff with our hands (I posed the question as to whether sex in a lake was a bad idea, and figured I wouldn't test it out on my lady parts...). We also got time during the drive up and down to talk in more detail about or D/s contract and hash out most of that. I think we have the contract mostly done, we just need to clean up some of the finer points where we made notes but will go back and do the actual text since I was working from my phone when we were going through it. So I'm thinking we'll have a signed contract before the end of the month. Hopefully this weekend!

We also ordered more bits and parts for house stuff, which are trickling in with the deliveries, so we can continue to work on that. Yay!

Even so, I think we're both feeling like neither of us is fully caught up on "us" time. So I'm really hoping that this weekend will give us a lot of quality time to just cuddle and be together and get kinky and stock back up on all the reconnecting. I really need it!
 
I loved the Seattle underground tour!!

I love "haunted" tours and stuff, not because I'm a big believer in ghosts necessarily, but because my favorite thing is to go somewhere historical and listen to interesting stories about the place and times and people and how they lived. Where there is a supposed "haunting" there is usually an interesting story!

The actual underground, I found to be a little anticlimactic after the storytelling though, truth be told. It reminded me of a big wander about an unfinished basement, basically. But I suppose it lends some authenticity to the whole thing.

You know what I wish I'd done while I lived up in that area, but never did? Go see the Fremont troll. Have you seen that?
 
I love my city and state! We're doing a long weekend on the Olympic peninsula in August, because my girlfriend has never been out there and I want to show her all the places that were so important to my family and childhood.

Haha, I've lived here my entire life and never gone up the Space Needle, but I do drive past the Fremont Troll several times a week.
 
Spork said:
I loved the Seattle underground tour!!

I love "haunted" tours and stuff, not because I'm a big believer in ghosts necessarily, but because my favorite thing is to go somewhere historical and listen to interesting stories about the place and times and people and how they lived.
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That is my absolute favorite part of historic stuff: hearing about how people lived day to day! Like when I was in Sweden for my honeymoon, seeing the Vasa (Viking ship) museum, the best part was seeing all the personal effects of the sailors and what their living quarters were like. Endlessly fascinating!
 
Reverie said:
That is my absolute favorite part of historic stuff: hearing about how people lived day to day! Like when I was in Sweden for my honeymoon, seeing the Vasa (Viking ship) museum, the best part was seeing all the personal effects of the sailors and what their living quarters were like. Endlessly fascinating!
Click to expand...

I have talked to Zen about this. Having grown up in Virginia, I was surrounded by history (such as it is, since America's post-colonial history isn't really that long, compared to other countries)...but I was terrible in history classes in high school. This was because they reduced history to a rather boring set of dry and factual information to be memorized, rather than a rich tapestry of human stories to be told and shared and heard. When you can stand in a place and look around at things that people were seeing hundreds of years ago, a wall with damage left from the Revolutionary wall, or cobbled streets that used to only pave the way for horses rather than cars...it feels so much more real. Heck, I am no fan of Columbus, but I once saw an exhibit of journals kept by members of his crew, in Washington DC. It was amazing, they had little drawings of the plants and animals that were new to them. This one guy was endlessly fascinated by squirrels. Did they not have squirrels back in Europe? I had no idea. But squirrels and raccoons seemed impossibly exotic to this fellow at the time.
 
So..... as part of all these contract negotiations with Sudo, I ordered a custom made bracelet for him that is meant to be his "everyday" sub collar. He doesn't really wear jewelry, so I wanted it to be something that wouldn't draw any obvious kink attention, but would also look "him." He knew I was working on a bracelet but nothing else, so he was a little worried about what I'd end up with, but I finally got it in the mail and he was surprised with the end result and I think he likes it! Granted, it didn't take long for us to figure out a few tweaks that are needed, but it was a concept design, so I knew that might be the case.

Basically, since he works in IT, I decided for an IT themed piece. the strap is made of 2 sections of black flat cabling with the clasp on one side and then on the other side the band is connected to a piece of a memory chip that has the actual raised black chip on it. A silver "s" has been stamped onto the black chip, which the rest of the world will assume stands for his name, but we will know stands for "sub" I love it! I also love the idea of it being a memory chip since the bracelet is to remind him of our dynamic and I believe it will be a symbol of the memories that we make.

The design flaws that we need to fix though, are that the bracelet is too long, so it already has to be worn on the tightest hook (which due to the type of clasp makes it weird) and also some of the little loops that connect the sections of the bracelet aren't sturdy enough, so after only a brief period, the loop bent enough that the bracelet came apart. Some of this is due to the stiff material in the black cabling. I've already reached out to the woman who made it for me and told her about the changes, and I'll be sending her some measurements and pics so that we can make tweaks to the design. All-in-all, I still love it and am thrilled with how it turned out. Once these tweaks are in place, it will be the perfect piece!!

I would have loved to just be able to surprise him with it in a more formal setting, like put it on him at the end of an intense scene/session, which I guess I still could have done even with the flaws. But realistically, I think it makes sense that we work the kinks (hehe) out now and once we have the end product, then I can officially put it on him and kick off the "you now have to wear this at all times unless XXXX" phase.

*squee*
 
This morning I ordered a copy of More Than Two so that during our camping Trip Sudo and I could start reading it and answering the questions. I'm hoping that things like this will help us with our communication, and maybe help him work through some of his feels. For me, I'm hoping that it helps me to understand other people's feels better. Granted, I'm only part robot. I do sometimes experience jealousy and envy, but I find that I do a decent job of owning it myself. Or often when it happens lately I find that my feels are also rooted in anger about some of those double standards and that a partner is practicing the opposite of what they preach.

Not to just throw blame everywhere else. For example, Dancer came over last night and spent the night at our place with Sudo. When they initially made plans I was irritated because they made plans for 3 days this week without Sudo even talking to me. While I don't want him to ask permission, that's a lot of days when we're still doing so much house work and also getting ready to leave yet again for a 5 day camping trip. Plus, we had spent time before talking about wanting the weekend for ourselves and to not have to go out anywhere since we've been on the go a bunch (and so we could focus on housework). At the time, Sudo didn't realize that Dancer would be back from her trip Sunday and didn't think she'd be free anyway. So anyway, in this example, I was irked that he made plans when we had talked about the weekend being for us and was, I dunno, having some sort of feels about the 3 days. Not really sure how to label those feels in terms of jealousy, anger, irritation, fear, etc. And while I did talk to him and say that if they want to have plans, fine, but I'd prefer that she not come over until after dinner so that we have the day together and to do house things. I decided to get over it, let them have their moment to reconnect, and I made plans to hang out with a friend. I think my biggest fear trigger when it comes to Dancer has to do with time. Sudo and I had many conversations before we moved forward with house stuff where I explicitly said that I don't want to live with and marry a partner that is going to end up spending 3 and 4 days a week with someone else. I can date that person, but I don't want them to be my nesting partner. He agreed. So this early in the game, having her want and get 3 days in a week with him just sets me on edge! I have to remind myself that this is a weird circumstance and that all this month we've been on travel and then she has and they haven't seen each other as much. But when the only times they have gotten to see each other it was for 4 out of 5 days in a row when I was on travel, and then again for 3 out of 5 days during this overlap... and that was all in the month of June.... it just makes me worry that it's going to start setting this expectation for Dancer that she can always see him that often, or that a large amount of the times can be overnights. And because Sudo is such a pleaser, I worry that she'll ask his availability and she'll start proposing plans for that many days a week, and him being someone who struggles to say no in the moment, will agree to it. And then I'll be unhappy, and he'll over to reduce, but then I'll end up the bad guy asshole partner. And just, ugh. But I guess my point is that these are MY feels to manage. I can communicate with Sudo about his goals, intentions, actions, boundaries, etc. But these feelings are mine to manage. So I will.

And this whole time issue isn't REALLY happening yet. But it's a fear. And what feels like a rational one given schedules recently, but may also be way off base and just because of everyone being on travel so much.

I don't want to set restrictions on my partner about how often they can see other partners. What is want is for my partner to want that same level of frequency. But I already know that Sudo wants to spend all the time with me, but that he also wants to spend time with Dancer. And that in his fantasy world, he would get to spend lots of kitchen table time with both of us at the same time. But that's not reality. I like spending time with Dancer SOME, but I don't really love the idea of a meta just in my house a bunch of days a week, and realistically spending time with them both is not the same as quality time with just Sudo. So I worry about his ability to make a decision about what he wants and actually stick to it instead of just agreeing with whichever partner is making asks at that time.

And I can't say that this is just something gnawing at me all the time. But when I do actually take the time to stop and think about it, it does worry me. It's part of why I want Sudo to do more reading on good communication, good hinging, etc. I want him to be able to sit down and decide what HE wants, set up some good boundaries around that, and then communicate those boundaries to BOTH of his partners so that we can know what the plan is.

I know he loves me to death, and I know that he loves Dancer and I really want this to work for all of us. I just would like for our communication to be strong up front so that we have the best chance of everyone being happy and people hopefully not getting hurt.

With any luck, this upcoming camping trip will be a great time for he and I to reconnect, cuddle, lounge, and also just talk poly and life and growth and all of that. I'm very excited for the possibilities and where things can go, I just am hoping to manage my own worries as well and deal with them.
 
So Sudo and I were able to talk Friday morning before we left for the camping trip and I explained how hurt I was that he just scheduled a bunch of time with Dancer and didn't even talk to me about it. I talked to him about my fears of her expecting to get a ton of his time and that he would be to eager to please both partners to actually set boundaries and have to tell one of his partners no when the time comes. But also that it's just a continuation of me feeling like he is just running full speed ahead and not taking at all into consideration how difficult it is for me to adjust. I mean, I had this picture in my head that we'd finally buy this house together and get all this time together. We were finalizing and really working to deepen our D/s stuff. All these wonderful awesome big milestones for our relationship, and now it just feels like I'm sharing every step of that with someone else. The house since it means a partner is over frequently and he's constantly talking to or making dates. The D/s and kink stuff since they are exploring that. Anyway, according to Sudo, he just assumed I was ok with everything because I was handling it well. And sure, I've mostly kept my shit together and been very happy for him, but that doesn't mean that it's still not incredibly hard and a lot for me to process. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't at least get some consideration before he moves at 1,000 miles per hour as long as I'm not screaming and shouting or crying or whatever it would take for him to decide that I wasn't having a totally easy time with it. I mean, am I crazy? To want him to just actively try to keep his NRE in check and not get carried away? Sure, I know it's hard, but that doesn't mean it's impossible, and to me, that is how to be kind to the partner you already have.

Anyway, so we talked through a bunch of that, finished packing, and hit the road. Our naked camping trip was so fun. Lots of sun, the pool was cool, the hot tub was steamy, the fireworks were pretty. It completely down poured Friday evening for a few hours, but we just moved from the outdoor pool to the indoor pool and waited it out and bought dinner instead of cooking at our camp site. Luckily, our tent survived with only a damp spot here or there and our camp spot was high enough on the hill that the ground dried out quickly.

We spent lots of time just lounging around while exchanging looks, and touches. Talked about whatever. Also talked about poly since I started reading More Than Two and I was going through the questions in the first few chapters. It has definitely made me realize that he doesn't always remember or interpret his own behaviors the way that I do. There were certainly times when he would answer a question in a favorable way and I'd be like "really? But how does that mesh with when you've done X, Y, and Z?" and the discussion has certainly called to light some things that I figured were probably there already in that he can be oblivious to what I would consider to be bad poly behaviors. It's very much part of the reason I wanted to go through the questions. And I want him to feel free to do the same with me. If I answer a question and it doesn't match with my behavior, we should discuss it to find out whether the behavior was out of sync with the values and wants and needs that I feel like I have, or if I need to actually mentally revise what I think about that question because my behavior is telling me that I actually want something different than I think I want. Still not very far into the book, but I'm hoping that once we get past the more intro level chapters, it will really get into the good stuff and lead to some awesome self discovery and improved communication for both of us!

We also had some really yummy sexy times while camping. Some in the tent, but we also found that a little side building that holds the campground's library was nice and secluded late at night, and had a desk that we put to use for... not sitting at to read (with a towel down of course).

We got back from the camping trip to 2 puppers waiting for us. Peach and Joe drove up and crashed at our place Monday and left right after we got there for the exchange. Peach is traveling for work and Joe works 12 hour shifts. The dogs just got REALLY sick at their newish boarder, and also one dog ended up with a wound from who knows what, so they won't use that boarder again and the dogs still need extra supervision for meds and such, so we're keeping them for 2-3 weeks in the meantime. One of the corgis has a shaved butt and lower back now to reveal a hot spot that is being treated. She looks stupid, but silly. Luckily she seems to not care one bit! And at least we don't have to deal with upset tummies and the only issue is one dog needing to pee frequently until the steroid doses are done.

Of course, last night after unpacking and unwinding briefly, we did head to a poly BBQ and then fireworks at a friend of Dancer's. I actually know her through a FB group but hadn't really met her in person. So I met several more poly groups, which was fun. One of the groups I was talking to is a combined household of 3 adults and 7 kids, that ALL live together. Crazy!! I think the kids range from like 3 or 4 to like 16 or 17. Some interesting discussions about how logistics work in their household and how spreadsheets are used for everything. :eek:

The fireworks display was pretty, but definitely reminded me why I don't go out to big displays... the crowds before and after and the traffic leaving the area totally isn't worth a 20 min show. At least the fireworks we saw while camping, although not as massive a display, was still very nice, could be walked to in a few minutes from our tent, and wasn't crowded. Plus we immediately hung out at the hot tub after.

There was yet another round of... I dunno that I'd go so far as to call it poly drama, but sort of a rehashing of some of the Friday convo. Sudo and I talked about a few schedule things on the way home where he would work from home today and Dancer could maybe come over to co-work for a bit from our place, but I wanted to attend a discussion group Thurs night, which is also an ideal day of the week for them to do date nights, so I suggested that as a good option, and we're giving RCT and his kid a ride to the airport on Sat and were talking about going to the kink club for the first time together this Sat.

Well later on when we were home Sudo and Dancer were talking scheduling and he said that he thought she was unhappy with something, and then mentioned that she said she wanted the 2 of them to go to an event Sat night, and when he asked, it was the kink event that Sudo and I had already discussed going to. So she basically said, that she guessed she wouldn't be going then. The way Sudo worded things though... it sounded like she sorta had some expectation that they'd definitely be doing something Sat night, or that she just assumed it would be no problem for them to go. Which once again set me on edge, because shouldn't the first step to scheduling be asking "hey, are you free Sat evening for us to get together?" and THEN ask about the event? I mean, I look at Sudo's calendar when we're going to plan stuff and if there's nothing there, I talk about what things we want to do but ALSO ask about what he thinks his schedule might be with Dancer. So it just irked me all over again that this was a thing. But also bugs me because does this now mean that every kink event is going to have to be some battle of who gets to take Sudo? Or any other scheduling nonsense? Ugh, anyway. No need to re-write the whole issue here. But yeah, meant what was supposed to be a great last day of vacation had a slight bit of a sour note to the end. I just, I dunno, MOST of the time I think Dancer is great and I'm happy for them both. But there are times when it's just too much, and too in my face, too soon, too fast and I just need everyone to kind back the hell down and let me process and catch my breath. Not really that much to ask for, in my opinion!
 
It's getting old feeling like I only ever have more poly drama to write about on here. Some of that is just me being so busy that I'm writing like once a week and it seems like there are drama things to discuss on a weekly basis to report. Sigh.

Anyway, house stuff is moving along, so let's talk about that.

We got more smart lights swapped out and more wink relays installed. More to go though. Supposedly, tonight Sudo and RCT are installing a saferack in the garage. Basically a huge storage rack that is mounted to the ceiling so we can put camping gear and other not super often used stuff up there out of the way. We also put together a linen shelving unit in the basement bathroom and ordered a linen cabinet for our master bath and a second desk for our office. Hopefully those come later this week or early next week.

Sudo and I attempted to run some Ethernet stuff from the basement to the office but only managed to cut 3 holes in the drywall and drill holes through some framing but not successfully be able to fish the cabling through. Sudo is allowed one last attempt as long as he does it in the near future or I'm giving up and ordering the work from the electrician. I don't care if it has to come out of my own personal budget. lol.

Tonight, I think I'm installing more door stopper hinges and maybe doing a grocery store and home depot run. We'll see. I'd like to get some boxes of crap from the office back down into the basement and see if Sudo and RCT have time to install the cat doors so that the cats can get in and out of the basement while keeping the dogs away from their food. I also need to make fliers for our summer BBQ so that I can drop fliers in the neighbor's mail boxes. I want to schedule a day for my mom to come down and help me with some gardening stuff too. Hmmm, maybe I'll do a fire pit tonight to and try and burn up more of the wood scraps we have laying around too. I'm guessing I won't get done all the things I want done, but it's a start!
 
Best laid plans.... I NEVER get as much house stuff accomplished as I think I'm going to.

We got the last bit of baseboard and quarter round done on our upstairs flooring at the top of the steps, so only caulking and paint is needed. I did get the last of the door stops completed, so at least 1 project is 100% done.

The office got cleaned out so that some boxes of wires and parts moved down to the basement. There is now actually room in there for the electrician to move around when they go to install the Ethernet cables. I was able to go over budgeting with Sudo and convinced him that we have neither the time nor expertise, and that we do have the money to just have the electrician do Ethernet stuff. So the electrician is at the house today and tomorrow installing some lights and speaker wires. We'll be scheduling for him to come back to do the eithernet and cable runs asap! Yay!

None of the furniture got put together since Sudo and I have a second office desk and a linen cabinet for our master bath to build. But I did get a bit of house organization done.

Oh right, we did the home depot run and we got some plywood up into the attic in a few places so you can more easily walk around up there without having to balance on the beams, but I did NOT like being up there like that and worrying about tripping and falling through the ceiling. Nor did I like the idea of Sudo doing all that. Especially since the areas where the cable ran we couldn't get plywood to, so there would have been some balancing going on no matter what. So another great reason that I was like "this is what we pay electricians for!!" Soooo glad that we're not going to deal with that mess anymore.

This weekend we also went to the local dungeon and had a blast. They were having a big dance party even and also had experienced people on several stations with flogging, knife play, needle play, electrical play, impact, etc. We talked to an electrical play guy for a LONG time seeing all his equipment and then got a demo where he topped me for a while. I love it and I know Sudo will too. For sure going to make that a future investment. After that since they had people doing stapling, I convinced Sudo to try getting stapled. I knew he'd probably be into it since I already scratch him up and poke at him with sharp things on the regular. Turns out one of the women doing that stuff was someone we knew, so she not only did some stapling on his thigh, she walked me through all the safety and steps and even let me try it out on him! I got a staple on one breast just to see what it felt like and it really wasn't that bad... though that's one of the less painful areas by most standards. Either way, I'll be shopping at a vet supply store to get some stapling equipment in the future too :D We ended up staying up that night until about 4am and were dead on Sunday. Which also didn't help with us getting lots of house work done. But we got the floor cutting and nailing wrapped up at least!

The on Sunday we had dinner with Dancer and talked scheduling and kink events to clear the air on that and expectations and such. I still have mixed feelings about how it went. Technically I got the good end of the deal in that she decided to basically default to me picking the kink events I want and she would then schedule other events she wants to do with Sudo around that, but only because she didn't like the uncertainty of saying "it depends on the event and all the circumstances so let's just figure it out for each event." I didn't want to go on a "whoever asks him to go first" basis since I felt like that would ultimately just have us pitted against each other in terms of who could check Fetlife more often to find all the things to go to. And I don't want a tit for tat model because we might be interested in different things, and frankly, she has more flexibility with going with other people and doing pick-up play where as Sudo is really the only play partner I have at those places right now unless it's a non-sexual kink.... and even then, I think Sudo has mixed feelings unless he's watching and feels like it's more a learning experience. It's something we need to work on since I want him to be more comfortable with that, but we're not there yet. So basically she has the opportunity to have other partners there and I don't, so a 1 for 1 model is stupid and not practical. Plus I just hate anything that implicates tit-for-tat. To me, it seems like we should be able to be adults and if we both want to go with Sudo to something, we can both express that to him, we can also both take each other into consideration and know who's been to what recently and try and respect each other's need for play time with Sudo, and ultimately, Sudo can decide who he wants to go with! But Dancer also didn't feel like Sudo would ever pick her over me if he had to choose when we both wanted to go, because of our D/s dynamic and her feeling that he'd never want to go against something I want. But meh, I can disagree with that all I want, but she's gonna feel however she feels. All I can ultimately do, is try to be mindful of whether she's also interested in an event, and if so, weigh my wants vs hers and do what I can to respect her getting time and availability to take Sudo to some of those events as well. And at the end of the day, if she's not happy with the way things work out, she can speak up. So we basically ended it with that and said that we know that we respect each other, so we'll go with it and if anyone is unhappy, it's on them to speak up. Sooo... I dunno, all ok then? LOL. We'll see.
 
I really need to start posting more so that I don't have a week+ to recap.

So after the discussion with Dancer, she messaged me the next day to thank me for being patient with her during our last discussion, but also raised the thought that it might make sense to just decide whether kink events fall into anchor partner stuff or if that's just general poly stuff to help make things less ambiguous? I'm not really sure what she's getting at here other than I think she maybe just feels more comfortable with defining things and knowing all the things? She's def Type A. But it was mentioned in terms of Winterfire, a huge annual kink even around here that is a long weekend. So aka, if she can never go with Sudo to that, then she wants to know because it would mean her needing to develop a more robust kink dynamic with another partner than she was expecting to, or maybe wanted to?

So that was mentioned in comparison to an even that is more obviously linked to anchor partner stuff, like Christmas.

While I get her just feeling better about knowing what to expect, it left me feeling like only a few months in she's already trying to make sure that she can do all these big milestone things with Sudo (aka, the equivalent of a multi-day vacation to a very custom event that only happens once a year, and other multiday events like that only happen a few times a year in our area). And while I could argue that it might just be that she wants an answer one way or the other so that she can plan accordingly.... I know that realistically if the answer was "no, that's a thing that Sudo and I will always do together" she'll be bummed. But that this point, I don't care. As much as I enjoy spending time with Dancer, and Sudo loves Dancer, and we have a great thing going here.... to me, this is just a matter of Sudo needing to be more clear and direct with her about what he can realistically offer their relationship, but also where it can expect to head.

So in a recently discussion group that I went to, they talked about doing wants/needs lists and stating what you have to offer your partner. So I decided that Sudo and I really needed to do one of those, and then compare and negotiate. And then he could do something similar with Dancer. So I we each made our lists independently of the other. I created the form and broke it down into categories like General Communication (frequency, etc), overall time together (days per week), Quality time (time dedicated to fun/relaxing), Travel/vacations, scheduling, kink events, etc. Lo and behold, we actually ended up with VERY similar lists when all was said and done. A few minor differences and we still actually have to sit down and have a real discussion about the lists. But for the most part, we're on the same page. What Sudo now needs to do is take his list of what he wants to be doing with me in all those categories, and then translate that into the same form in terms of what he wants with Dancer. And then at the bottom he can lay out what he can realistically offer her (at the bottom of each of our lists was a section on "what can I offer my partner"). I think if he can just go ahead and lay all of that out there, and on top of that say that the list is based on what HE wants, not just what I want, or not just because he wants to please me, then Dancer will have that and can make her own decisions about what that means for her. But that's my biggest concern. Sudo has such a hard time telling a partner anything that he thinks they don't want to hear or will upset them, so he beats around the bush, or is vague. I think that he tends to blame limited scheduling on us being busy and doing house stuff vs just reiterating the amount of time that I know he's said up front that he can realistically offer her. Or maybe it's that he talks about it as what he "can" offer instead of what he is "willing" to offer. So that can give the appearance that if he could offer more time he would. Either way, I think he needs to be clear and basically say, "regardless of how busy or not busy my schedule is, this list here outlines what I can and am willing to offer, and also expresses my wants/needs for this relationship."

Anyway, so that is something that I think will be in the works soon. At least then Dancer can feel like she knows exactly what to expect, which I think is something she wants/needs. So I hope that it helps her! And then we can also just get back to having a smooth running polycule where there isn't constant hurt feelings.

Outside of some of those larger discussions, we've been doing well as a polycule. We've been to some events together but with various combinations of partners, and it's nice to see that in general we do just feel comfortable hanging out. I do really appreciate that.

Enough of the poly drama though. My legs are SOOOOO stiff! I spent 7 hours in my flower beds with my mom this past Sat pulling weeds, spraying weeds, cutting back plants that were done flowering, and just taming my overgrown flower beds. There's plenty left to do, but the biggest and most jungle-y one is now looking very nice! I need to go back later and pull some weeds and grasses that we just sprayed with weed killer and figured it would be easier to rip out once they died. And I probably need to go back and spray more stuff too. All of this is part of house warming party prep, but also it just needed to be done!

We've also been slowly but surely working on other projects. The electrician came and did a less than stellar job putting in some lighting. I'm a bit irritated at Sudo about that since he was working from home and supervising, but I think he basically didn't pay attention to the placement and gave shitty instructions. So we're not really thrilled with the end result of our can light placement in the living room.... but it's tolerable. We've also gotten 1 working Ethernet cable in the office now, with 4 more run that just need to be wired in. So at the very least, I can start working from my desk in the office instead of the couch in the basement when I telework. I could use wifi, but it really just doesn't work as well when I have to VPN into all the work firewalls and crap. Plus, it's cold as a freezer in the basement due to only having 1 thermostat to control a 3 level house (ugh, add that to the list of stupidly expensive, maybe 1 day way in the future, renovations). The office also just got nice and organized so it's not a shit show anymore! Progress!!

Tonight I'm hoping that we can put together the linen storage cabinet that we'd bought for the master bath, since that STILL isn't done. I'd also just like a moment to veg with Sudo. I worked late last night and will work a little late tonight. Work is getting really busy now, so it's just been a shit show with balancing that and other things. Fortunately, this week is a light week with extracurricular activities and the only thing going on besides house chores is us each having a date night tomorrow night! Except I'm now in the middle of messaging with Mr. Hyde about how my date night might get postponed/cancelled yet again because or Mrs. Hyde... I can't even right now....
 
OMG, we FINALLY have cable (Fios) in our living room! Only about 3 months after moving into the house :p

Things are finally coming along a bit, but there's still so much to do before the party. But we got cable and Ethernet run to the living room. Installed a few more door stops. I got a bunch of stuff in the master bedroom cleaned up and put away, sorted pictures to be sent off to one of those digital scanning places, and got the kitchen cleaned up some.

Yard work didn't happen, but we got a bunch of rain this weekend so I might try to mess with a bit of that tonight while the ground is soft and it's a bit easier to pull weeds. We still have a smart light switch or 2 that we're messing with the wiring on to get them working, and we need to hang all the art work from our previous houses. I also need to burn the last of the scrap wood, and we need to make a run to good will and the dump to get rid of crap. There's also more stuff in the master that needs to be dealt with somehow, and I was really hoping that our bedroom would be a bit more put together before the party (we need night stands so the the ones we're using can go back by the bed in the basement, and I want a chair in front of the bay window, etc). I think some of that just isn't going to happen though. We also have more stuff to either sell or donate on craigslist/facebook. And this is in addition to shopping for the party and doing all the set-up and prep. Sigh!

We also are still having a contractor come to do a little more electrical, and then another come to patch and paint the holes left by the contractor (in addition to the holes that we're also making since we're doing some of the electrical ourselves. Oh and that includes hanging several ceiling fan/lights in a few rooms too!

I really have no idea how we're going to get all of this done in time for the party. Well, we'll just have to get as far as we can....

In other news, Sudo and I went to a BBQ this weekend that then turned into a play party later that night. I looked super hot in some black booty shorts and an army green crop top that had a laced up low cut V neck. I got lots of compliments and was feeling good! I also met a bunch of people I knew through FB groups but not in person. We didn't actually do any sex stuff, since this was our first private play party (heavy on the sex, not on the kink) and we just wanted to sorta see if that was even our jam. Dancer was also there with her husband (though he didn't stay for play since he had another party to attend) so it was also sorta balancing all of that. Sudo isn't so inclined to just see me play with others, and while I don't mind seeing him play with people, I'd be less ok with him doing it if it wasn't on the table for me, cause I hate double standards. Either way, it was a super new thing for us both, so we were really going with the expectation of just checking out the scene and socializing anyway. Ultimately, it might be the sort of thing that we end up not both going to the same party if we ever want to do that sorta play. Or if we do go, we're going knowing that we're there together. Sudo isn't really the casual sex type anyway. And even for me, it's something that I could see doing on a rare occasion, but it's not so much my jam either. If it was someone who I had gotten to know socially and we just happened to want to hook up every so often at these sort of events, cool. But I'm less inclined to be into just hooking up with someone I barely know. Regardless, the party was a blast. The hostess is just hilarious and awesome. Her and I are trying to set up a fishing friend date for maybe like Sept when summer is starting to cool off a bit more.

Oh yeah, other news, Peach is up today and staying with us tonight. She's picking the dogs up after we kept them for about 3 weeks. I have to be honest.... I'm so ready for them to go. I love dogs.... but THESE dogs are just too yappy, and beg, and not really trained in a way that I'm happy with. They are more anxious, less chill compared to my type of dog, and I'm tired of dog poop in my yard since Sudo has NOT been scooping it after each time he lets them out. I'm just over it. If we are going to watch them again in the future, then they need to be dropped off with more of their supplies (toys, shock collar with remote, etc) so that we can do a better job of actually training them for being at our house. I'm SO not used to having dogs that are this needy. I grew up with dogs that were only in the house when we were, and otherwise stayed outside when we weren't home, and sometimes at night. And had a dog box and were fine. Dogs that weren't barkers and maybe didn't have perfect behavior, but didn't beg THIS much and be CONSTANTLY under foot. Plus, I'd like my cats to no longer have to be miserable and stressed because of the dogs.... So yeah, I'm glad that Sudo got in a great visit with them and got to see them. They're still cute dogs. But I'm ready to have my house back to only having lower maintenance pets in it!
 
Oh man, not sure how I forgot to mention this, but other big thing... we got som CRAZY storms that came through over the weekend with rain and downpours.... and discovered a leak in our roof..... over the master bedroom. :mad:

Fortunately the spot in the ceiling was tiny, so I think the only reason we saw it was because of the torrential downpour, but it's still something we need to address. I'm really hoping that we can do some sort of internal patch job to buy a little time and not have to send someone up to fix shingles. The roof is the original, so it's about 19 or 20 years old, and I figure most roofs last 25ish years on average. With any luck, worst case is that we can replace a few shingles ourselves.... but I really don't want to have to shell out a ton for a roofer. Ugh.
 
So glad that we know people who are handy, and that we are fairly handy ourselves. Sudo was talking to one of his employees who has done a lot of house work and it sounds like it might be easier to fix our roof leak than Sudo originally thought. He's going to fly his drone up to the roof tonight to try and snap some pictures and see if maybe there's any noticeable damage to either a shingle or the seal around a vent. With any luck, that will help us narrow down what we need to do.

I think we're also going to try and pick up a fridge from a friend of Dancer on Fri or Sat. She is moving and had a fridge in her basement for a tenant, but doesn't need it now. It's apparently fairly new so she doesn't want to get rid of it, but was hoping someone else might want to basically just borrow it for a year or 2. We wanted a larger mini fridge for the basement anyway, so now instead we might just use this smaller full sized fridge since it's free (well, free for like 2 years).

We were going to go to a knife play class tonight, but there's lots to do around the house, and Sudo has been wanting some time with me, so I think we're going to skip the class in order to get more house prep/projects completed. Oh, and Peach has now left with the doggos, so dogs are gone, and also several other things that were Peach's are gone (a glass coffee and 2 end tables that were broken down and wrapped up, and several art books). So that has helped to clear out more things from the house!

I think on the agenda tonight is cutting to size the magnetic vent covers for the basement A/C vents, checking out the roof, yard work, and if we have time, maybe the start of party grocery shopping lists? Of course, I always make a list that is longer than what can get done that day.... so we'll see how this all actually pans out.
 
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