How can I tell if I should stay or go?

[Nonamegirl3]

I feel like I am losing my mind.
I have fallen in love with a poly girl. I have only ever been in mono relationships before. I understand and think poly is great in theory, but in practice, I am finding it so much harder than I had ever anticipated. I am left wondering, am I capable of being poly?
My jealousy is outrageous. I feel like I could share her bodily (as long as I'm not given details) but that I don't have the ability to share her heart. When she posted something on a social media page that I took as a message to me (she has confirmed that she posts things meant for me) I loved it and commented. When her husband saw it a week later and also, come ting as well, took it as a love letter to him, I immediately deleted my comment. I can't even share a stupid post! How is that good news that I can learn to share her heart?! But I truly can't stand for anything of love to be shared to both of us from her. I want every single song, every endearment, every thought to be separate so that I can know what is mine and what's not. If it isn't mine, I don't want to hear it or know that it exists.
I have been trying though. I have been trying to fight this jealousy and learn to love in a poly way that I do believe in. I have met her husband, we chat just about daily and I think he is a great guy. I honestly like him and want nothing but good for him. At the same time, I am it hing to take his wife from him - a very unworthy desire, I know.
On top of the jealousy, comes all the other emotions. I have battled depression since I was a teen and still have no control over my overwhelmingly strong emotions. My mood swings are drastic and I never know how I'm going to be each day or when they will flip the switch on me with the least provocation. So to say I'm a handful is a severe understatement. (And yet, my girl has stuck through and loved even my darkness.) And now, along with my own mess of emotional swings of highs and lows, u have to somehow figure out how to manage 2 other people's. It's hard enough for me to deal with 1 when I'm in a slight funk and impossible when I'm at my darkest. But in a triad!? Holy crap! And her husband, though he has been in triads and quads before, is also struggling with his own insecurities, fears, and jealousies regarding me. My girlfriend seems to be the only stable one in the group which doesn't make it easy for me to lean on her believing that she is going to be weighed down trying to hold us both (husband and I) afloat. But she signed up for that, right? Still, it doesn't feel fair or good to me.
I'm sorry for the long rant. I've been holding all of this inside because I don't want to scare her with my fears and questions and I am so new to the poly world that I don't have anyone to openly speak to.
My biggest fear is that I'm trying to force myself into a shape I don't fit. I did that for too many years in my marriage - I tried to be what I'm not. That failed and it will fail here too if that's what I'm doing. How do I know? How do I know?! Everything in me screams that this is not who I am but I try because I love her. I am trying to make this work for her. She told me once that if she had to choose, she would choose me. While I did feel a spark of unworthy triumph over that, I don't want to ever put her in a place where she has to choose. I love her enough for that. And besides, if she chose me, wouldn't she then be the one trying to force herself into a shape she didn't fit? A monogamous shape? I don't want that for her either.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My biggest fear is that I'm trying to force myself into a shape I don't fit. I did that for too many years in my marriage - I tried to be what I'm not. That failed and it will fail here too if that's what I'm doing.

Agree. You could not pretzel yourself into things you just are not into. Don't try to be what you are not. You sound like you prefer to be in 1:1 relationship shapes.

Everything in me screams that this is not who I am but I try because I love her.

That is how you know that this is not for you. Every part of you is screaming.

Because you are not honoring your own self and your own preferences. You seem to be ignoring that in favor of being able to access to her. You seem to be putting her stuff ahead of your own stuff -- like you are doing self neglect.

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do things that hurt me." Because right now? You ARE doing things that hurt you. You could stop doing that and stop participating in this.

I understand and think poly is great in theory, but in practice, I am finding it so much harder than I had ever anticipated. I am left wondering, am I capable of being poly?

It's ok to stop doing this after trying it on and realizing it is too much because it is exacerbating your stress and your depression. It is ok to think poly is ok for other people, but not want it for yourself after all.

Romances are not supposed to be this hard or damaging to you.

"Love" is not the only thing required for deep compatibility -- as you are finding out. There must be common values, preferences, respect, and more. You guys might care about each other a lot. But if she prefers polygamy of some sort and you prefer monogamy? If you fantasize about taking the wife away from the husband? And you HATE sharing her?

This is not sounding like a relationship model you really want to be in. And on some level you seem to know it. Just not really happy about acknowledging it.

Galagirl

 

[Nonamegirl3]

Thank you GalaGirl

Thank you for your words. It does help to at least feel validated.
I know that as much as I love her, a poly is not what I want. At least, not in this moment. I keep hoping I will change and trying to hang on until that happens, but truthfully I know myself too well to believe it will. In the meantime, you are right, this is certainly exacerbating my stress and depression.
The hardest thing I've ever done was stand up and divorce my wife, to refuse to continue hurting us both. While this girl is only my girlfriend at the moment, we have been together a year and I can see her as my wife without question. So this will be just as difficult. I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I know there will be a sigh of release once it's done.

 

[GalaGirl]

The hardest thing I've ever done was stand up and divorce my wife, to refuse to continue hurting us both.

I could understand that. It is hard.

At the same? It's ok for the relationship shape to end/change if that means the people can be freed from suffering. It sounds like leaving your wife was the right thing to do rather than continue hurting both.

While this girl is only my girlfriend at the moment, we have been together a year and I can see her as my wife without question. So this will be just as difficult. I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I know there will be a sigh of release once it's done.

I can understand that too -- that this will also be an emotionally tough thing to do. I do agree with you though -- that once it is done you can feel release and start to heal.

I think it is better to linger in healing place rather than linger in the suffering place. I hope as you navigate upcoming conversations/changes that your stress and depression begin to lift.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Nonamegirl3,

It sounds like you know deep down that poly is not right for you. You do not want to share your girlfriend's heart. Trying to share it is causing you all kinds of stress and depression. You don't want to go through the pain of a breakup, but on some level I think you realize that's what has to happen.

Polyamory is okay. Monogamy is okay too. Both are okay, it is not wrong to be mono-oriented, that is who you are. And, it is okay for your girlfriend to be poly-oriented. That's not bad of either of you, it just means that you are not compatible in that way. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let the other person go.

I'm very sorry that you find yourself caught in this painful situation. I hope you find some healing soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Nonamegirl3]

Yesterday morning, I listened to myself and ended our relationship as it stood. It was as hard as I thought but also the right thing to do. And as painful as it was, I was immediately calmer. I realized that in my truth, I can deal with the pain without becoming overwhelmed with my depression; as long as I'm being true to myself, pain is not the end of the world for me as it once was.
She is not out of my life. Our connection is too deep for that. This is an alteration to our relationship, not a separation.
Thank you GalaGirl, again, and kdt26417. Thank you for listening to my words and resounding what I did know but didn't want to accept. Sometimes, even when we already know something, it takes someone else to validate those thoughts and feelings to be sure and to know that it's okay, what we feel. Just, thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

And as painful as it was, I was immediately calmer. I realized that in my truth, I can deal with the pain without becoming overwhelmed with my depression; as long as I'm being true to myself, pain is not the end of the world for me as it once was.

Glad to hear the breaking up part went ok enough and that you know now that you can cope with pain without being overwhelmed by depression. it is not like it used to be.

She is not out of my life. Our connection is too deep for that. This is an alteration to our relationship, not a separation.

I hope that as you transition into friendship you continue to feel calmer and more true to yourself and your values.

Sometimes, even when we already know something, it takes someone else to validate those thoughts and feelings to be sure and to know that it's okay, what we feel

It IS ok to feel what you feel.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear that things came out okay.