How do I do it?

Okay, sorry. It wasn't clear to me! You stated that: your gf told you she wants you all to "live together some day," her husband is lovely and you want a connection with him; he's totally open to a connection with you; you don't want any separation among you; you want to be a "family" with them; and "right now" you're hoping for a friendship with him, all of which could be taken to mean that eventually you want to be involved with him as well.

You have to understand that to say you're 100% committed to your gf doesn't necessarily mean to a polyamorist that you're only committed to her and no one else. 100% could mean depth and effort, not totality of who you're committed to. When you said you didn't want to date anyone else, I thought you meant besides the two of them.

Heh, so sorry for the misunderstanding. It sounds like you all have a good plan in place and have given it a great deal of thought. So, is jealousy the thing that bothers you? If so, what are you jealous of, specifically?
 
SallyThePumpkinQueen said:
I clearly stated I am committed to my GF 100% and don't want anyone else. Especially the husband. He is a nice guy but i could never feel romantically attracted to him. He is not my sort at all.

I just want to forge a friendship with him.
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You're on a polyamory forum. To most of the people here, being '100% committed' to one particular relationship doesn't preclude being interested/able to pursue others (also with '100% commitment'). :) I just wanted to point out that commitment and sexual/romantic exclusivity are completely different things to the majority of people here, so you're maybe not communicating as clearly as you think.

Going back to your OP, 5 years really is a long time to wait. I'd be more worried about how to sustain your relationship over that timeframe and distance. You talk about your new relationship as being a revelatory experience that shows you there is more to life than an unhappy marriage and motherhood - and that's great - but remember that no relationship is an escape from your life. Nor something that you put your life on hold for. I hope you don't spend these next few years pining for your long distance gf, but instead build a fabulous life for you and your kids nowthat you don't have the unhappy marriage dragging you down! All the best!
 
Sorry. I've never talked to anyone involved in polyamoury so it's all new to me.

I wouldn't want a sexual relationship with him at all. No. But I want to be involved in their lives like my gf is involved in mine.

And 5 years is fine. The last 18 months have flown by. And I want to spend that time finding myself and mapping out what I want career wise and with my kids

Sometimes the LDR is a blessibg because It allows me space to learn to be my own person after a 16 year relationship with ex-dh

But still gives me someone to be with and talk to and we have great visits
 
I hope you feel better for writing that out. Here's what pops out at me.

  • You are monoamorous. You only want to love 1 sweetie.
  • You are in a 3 people Closed poly "V." (?)
  • Your GF is the "hinge" or "shared sweetie." She has a husband too.
  • This is currently long distance, and there's a 5 year plan in place for them to move to your town. You will live in separate homes locally, until the children are grown. And then you might think about cohabitation.
  • You are happy with the LDR, because it gives you time to find yourself and develop your career plans, and kid stuff.
  • You like the GF visits and that your family has accepted all these changes and are supportive.

The current problems is that you want to make friends with the husband, and he's willing. But the LDR aspect of it is a problem. (Is that actually the problem? to me it sounds like you are ok with the LDR right now. )

Ask him what his ideas are. This isn't all on you. And keep in mind that it is ok for the friendship to develop more slowly and perhaps more easily in person.

You could look up military families resources for ideas for how to keep in touch. Because when people are deployed, they have to deal with distance stuff too.

Plan some visits, think about Skype, look into online gaming. I did a shared journal once -- where we would add an entry and mail the book to the other person. That went back and forth for a while -- with the idea that when we were together again we'd have this memory book we had made. Could do calls, letters, care packages. Work on something digital together -- a blog, pinterest, scrapbook, whatever is a shared interest.

Be ok for this friendship to take some TIME. In the meanwhile, treat them like family. You may have never been in a V before but it isn't all that different. Relationships RELATE. Do the things you would do with family -- send bday cards for instance. Pictures of you and the kids. Weekly phone call.

I think we can be a family. I feel like I need to make a connection with the husband. But I don't know how. Due to distance we feel so seperate.
I don't want to be a seperate thing from them both. I want to be one family.
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Is the root problem you thinking that you are cut off?

To me you are not separate. You are a participant in a V, that is currently working to close a geography gap. You guys have a plan and all seem on board. That's a unit working toward something together. Are you able to see that?

Why are you calling yourself separate? And a thing rather than a person? Is this leftover divorce stuff lingering? Could individual counseling help you have more support at this time?

Galagirl
 
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