Voluptuouschef
Member
Aloha all. I need advice. This is going to be long but I'll try to keep it on point. So first some background, I am married have been for 13 going on 14 years. I'm early 30s we have a kid. I realized I'm bisexual somewhere around 22. I had always been but was raised in a religious environment and didn't know that was an option. I was already married and told my husband who eventually agree I could be with women if I wanted to. I was only with one, and not completely we fooled around I loved it, he didn't like that she kept calling and texting me after to hook up again so I ended contact. He didn't want me to mess with someone that might try to steal me away. So after discovering my best friend was willing to occasionally fool around with me he gave me permission to be with her in anyway whenever because she is also married and has no desire to be with me beyond occasional fooling around.
Several years later my husband and I had a blow out over a secret he had kept from me our entire relationship that meant a lot to me. It sounds crazy sometimes but I was a virgin when we met and he lied to me and said he was also. Turns out he had been with two girls in high school. It wasn't that he wasn't a virgin, I was surprised when he said he was, he's super hot and was 21 when we met. I was hurt and betrayed because honesty was the one thing I always gave him and only asked he do the same. Honesty was a huge thing to me, I was upfront about everything I told him about every guy I'd messed around with, about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle and a few boys in junior high and he lied about some thing that wouldn't have mattered. That caused a major shut down that we never recovered from. I stopped being upfront and honest, where I was blind to men I suddenly saw them again and their interest in me. We broke that night.
A few years after that I went back to work, our kid started preschool, and i met a man was interested in me. From that fateful night i had slipped back into deep depression I'd had in my youth, gained weight, and become convinced that my husband did not love me at all. The man made me feel loved and special and beautiful. I lost almost 100 pounds while seeing him, first as a friend until he kissed me and I kissed him back. Then I was convinced i was inlove with him so I told my husband. We fought it got ugly I left the guy and stayed with my husband for our kid. He started showing me love and appreciation, I saw him as my loving husband again and things got okay. No trust on his end because I'm the cheating whore but the sex vastly improved and we got stable. Still very much lacking in communication but we get along. We are both gamers, movie fiends, beach lovers, and we love our kid and have good sex some times.
I'm sorry I know that was a lot of background info... now to the reason I'm here. A year ago I was sexually assaulted by my husband's half brother. He was arrested but never charged, he spent 6 months in jail for breaking parole and then was released. He haunts me, but I've gotten better over time. Because of the nature of the assault and what he made me do I realized not shockingly that I am deeply submissive. I obeyed him without a fight inspite of screaming and crying in my head I said nothing except telling him I didn't want to and to please stop. But I still did exactly what he told me to do. I say not shockingly because over the years my interest in submission has grown, I bought plugs for my husband to use on me, he wasn't interested but said I could put them in myself. I've tied myself up lol, tried to interest him in spanking me, asked for threesomes, he's just not interested. He literally loves vanilla that's his favorite flavor. He's not interested in dominating or hurting me. But since the assault I NEED it.. deeply crave it, it's like him taking away my power broke some thing in me and I want that power back I want to be in control of my submission. Back in May I asked him if we could open our marriage he said no at first but I kept talking about it and eventually he agrees to let me tall to people, just talk. We never spoke of it again after that and I've been online for 6 months. I met a dom, he's in Cali but coming here for work, I want to be with him when he comes. And after he leaves I want to find a dom on island to fulfill that deep need I can't shake. I don't know how to talk to my husband about this without hurting him or driving him away. I love him and don't want a divorce but at the same time I'm not getting what I need from him sexually and some times emotionally. I feel like a dom could satisfy that. Maybe I'm just so messed up and traumatized I'm looking in the wrong direction for healing. Idk how to have a dom and a husband, or how to get my husband to understand it's not about leaving him or finding someone else it's about satisfying this deep craving I have. What do I do?
Several years later my husband and I had a blow out over a secret he had kept from me our entire relationship that meant a lot to me. It sounds crazy sometimes but I was a virgin when we met and he lied to me and said he was also. Turns out he had been with two girls in high school. It wasn't that he wasn't a virgin, I was surprised when he said he was, he's super hot and was 21 when we met. I was hurt and betrayed because honesty was the one thing I always gave him and only asked he do the same. Honesty was a huge thing to me, I was upfront about everything I told him about every guy I'd messed around with, about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle and a few boys in junior high and he lied about some thing that wouldn't have mattered. That caused a major shut down that we never recovered from. I stopped being upfront and honest, where I was blind to men I suddenly saw them again and their interest in me. We broke that night.
A few years after that I went back to work, our kid started preschool, and i met a man was interested in me. From that fateful night i had slipped back into deep depression I'd had in my youth, gained weight, and become convinced that my husband did not love me at all. The man made me feel loved and special and beautiful. I lost almost 100 pounds while seeing him, first as a friend until he kissed me and I kissed him back. Then I was convinced i was inlove with him so I told my husband. We fought it got ugly I left the guy and stayed with my husband for our kid. He started showing me love and appreciation, I saw him as my loving husband again and things got okay. No trust on his end because I'm the cheating whore but the sex vastly improved and we got stable. Still very much lacking in communication but we get along. We are both gamers, movie fiends, beach lovers, and we love our kid and have good sex some times.
I'm sorry I know that was a lot of background info... now to the reason I'm here. A year ago I was sexually assaulted by my husband's half brother. He was arrested but never charged, he spent 6 months in jail for breaking parole and then was released. He haunts me, but I've gotten better over time. Because of the nature of the assault and what he made me do I realized not shockingly that I am deeply submissive. I obeyed him without a fight inspite of screaming and crying in my head I said nothing except telling him I didn't want to and to please stop. But I still did exactly what he told me to do. I say not shockingly because over the years my interest in submission has grown, I bought plugs for my husband to use on me, he wasn't interested but said I could put them in myself. I've tied myself up lol, tried to interest him in spanking me, asked for threesomes, he's just not interested. He literally loves vanilla that's his favorite flavor. He's not interested in dominating or hurting me. But since the assault I NEED it.. deeply crave it, it's like him taking away my power broke some thing in me and I want that power back I want to be in control of my submission. Back in May I asked him if we could open our marriage he said no at first but I kept talking about it and eventually he agrees to let me tall to people, just talk. We never spoke of it again after that and I've been online for 6 months. I met a dom, he's in Cali but coming here for work, I want to be with him when he comes. And after he leaves I want to find a dom on island to fulfill that deep need I can't shake. I don't know how to talk to my husband about this without hurting him or driving him away. I love him and don't want a divorce but at the same time I'm not getting what I need from him sexually and some times emotionally. I feel like a dom could satisfy that. Maybe I'm just so messed up and traumatized I'm looking in the wrong direction for healing. Idk how to have a dom and a husband, or how to get my husband to understand it's not about leaving him or finding someone else it's about satisfying this deep craving I have. What do I do?
