How do I explain it's not about gender?

L

laerhk

New member
When I first mentioned that I believed I was poly, and that I wanted to further investigate, I was supported by Sig. Our relationship was more important than blatantly saying no for no particular reason. Knowing I am bi was only a 2-month old discovery at that point.

Since then, Sig is very supportive of me finding other relationships with women or couples with bi females for both me alone and/or for the both of us. Men for me, however, not so much. My past history of discovering poly feelings during emotional affair when Sig and I were having marriage issues (issue are now resolved, and the other person is no longer a part of my life in any way) is a big part, as is Sig's low-confidence in finding playmates and partners of his own. He fears being replaced.

I have tried to do what I can to reassure Sig that I am not looking for replacements. That it's the connections, not the genders that interest me. It doesn't help that men are primarily contacting me, and have been better with follow-through of talking/meeting me than women have been, though.

I have several books about poly relationships, and have read them. (FYI, Sig has not. I realize this needs to change, even if I hand it over with highlighted sections that resonate with me as a conversation starter.) I'm trying to keep communication open and have realized that when I'm not talking with someone as a potential relationship that communication tends to stagnate with Sig. (That is also changing.)

How do I better explain what I'm looking for? (Connections both emotionally and physically, regardless of gender) How do I explain that it's not because of a lack or that I am unhappy with Sig?
 
Hi Laerhk,

Many times, after an emotional affair, trust needs to be rebuilt. You say you're through it, which is great, but that was with a monogamous setting as the default, to hold things in place. Now, opening up to Poly opens up situations that may begin to trigger his insecurity and lack of trust again. When there are trust issues erupting, it's best to start slow, stay open and transparent, and continue to reassure him that you love him and want him in your life.

In general, though, fear of being replaced is common. If you're monogamous, dividing your romantic attention CAN lead to this, and it's hard to think outside our own boxes and realize that this isn't necessarily true for other people. It took me a lot of reassurances, time, and experience to see for myself that this wasn't going to happen. It may take the same for you, and it may feel like you're talking about the same things over and over again until he gets to the point where he can accept it (even if he never does understand it).

Maybe you could dig in to why he's worried about men potentially taking you away, where women wouldn't? Why wouldn't a relationship with a woman be as threatening? Is this something he'd be willing to revisit in 6 months or so, having done some reading in that time?

My best to you both.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

I wonder if it could it be you explain just fine? And if it could be about you accepting Sig's comfort level at this point in time being what it is?

You could ask what you could do to help support Sig as he works on his confidence and feeling more secure. Ultimately though, that's his job that only he can do. You cannot do it for him.

Maybe this helps?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Is this fear rooted in in the idea of competition? Women are fine because they have equipment he doesn't even have. So not even a competition. But guys have equipment he has, and he fears he can't compete? You could ask that if Sig is willing to include you in his introspection. But again -- mainly his job.

Galagirl
 
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Hi laerhk,

It sounds like Sig has some trust issues. He doesn't trust you to get involved with another guy for some reason. Can he identify the reasons for this particular lack of trust? Is there anything he needs from you that would make him feel more secure? If you go into a relationship with a new guy and go really slow, can Sig build up more of a feeling of trust a little at a time? Maybe he just needs to see/experience that your promises and reassurances are for real.

That's all I got for now but I might think of some more later.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the perspective!

Between the time I posted this message and asked for feedback, I did indeed talk with Sig and reiterate my confusion of why the different reactions to gender differences, ask what the issues were/what I could do to help. He mentioned many of the points you gave, and it looks like going slow and reassuring along the way is going to be the way to go. We discussed how he perceived my behavior towards him changing and I explained I was feeling his hesitation and thus changing my behavior (maybe more than I already subconciously was?) to give him more space. Funny how assumptions can backfire. ;) Things seem to going well for now, so...

Much thanks to all of you!!
 
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