1/3 of the time I spent trusting my husband to NOT sleep with our 3rd behind my back and, especially, to not lie to me about it and have sex with me with him KNOWING what he had done to me and our relationship? Wr had an agreement that he would NEVER do that and the only reason I ever trusted him in a 3 was because he had always been faithful and kept his promises & commitments. How do I forgive him and justify that 1/3 of the time we were in a 3 he was LYING to me!?!
How do I forgive 1/3 lies?
- Thread starter Sw9689
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IndieSolo
Active member
If you truly want to forgive, you just forgive. Wipe the slate clean and move on. I don't know how else to tell someone how to forgive. However... why do you have that weird rule? Is it very realistic or productive? What does it accomplish to not let his relationship with another person flower and evolve on its own without you supervising? If he consistently breaks that rule, perhaps one reason is that it is unreasonable or almost impossible to do.
graviton
New member
It's a stupid rule and its none of your business when they have sex. Is she allowed to know when you have sex? Does she need to be kept appraised of that? Sex is private. Most don't get into sharing details like where when and how. Why is it that poly makes people go crazy and demand such knowledge when we don't do so in other relationships? The knowledge that they are having sex and its done safely is all that should matter.
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Inyourendo
New member
I agree with this. Its pretty shitty to treat another person that way.
I am sorry you struggle.
In the writing, it is a bit confusing to me. Let me repeat back so I know I got it, ok? Correct me if I am wrong. I think it is one of two ways...
Either way, if both broke agreement? That's not cool. They could apologize. Then you ALL could review to see what needs changing.
Would have been better to not agree in the first place. Or if it was ok to start but changed in time? Each / both could come to you to renegotiate that agreement or tell you each no longer intends to keep it because it is no longer a good fit. Not just go off breaking it and lying. That is not kind, considerate or respectful behavior.
I am sorry you are dealing in that disappointment.
If you still want to be in this, I suggest you guys could talk. Here is an older post about a trio who had to talk and sort it out after similar "behind my back" sex share happened. It was hard for them but they pushed through it and made it out. Perhaps that gives you hope/comfort?
Triad shape is challenging -- it is 3 v's stacked up on top of each other.
If you want to forgive, just decide you are and start that process. Talking the problem out to begin to heal and being to rebuild the broken trust/wonky communication/wonky expectations.
If you do not want to forgive, this is a relationship deal breaker? Then you could have a different kind of talk and decide to go from there also.
But since you sound pretty upset right now? Do your self care stuff first so you can breathe again. Take a time out, take a walk, have a good cry -- whatever it is you like best in those moments to help you gather yourself back together.
HTH!
Galagirl
In the writing, it is a bit confusing to me. Let me repeat back so I know I got it, ok? Correct me if I am wrong. I think it is one of two ways...
1) This is a triad. You all have an agreement to give you a heads up before they share sex without you. Don't sneak off, just give a heads up first.
This agreement could be ok long term or be ok as a soft limit to let go of in time. If you share a home I could see wanting a heads up there's a date planned and it likely could involve sex share so you can make yourself scarce and not suddenly walk in on nekkid people in various rooms.
You have recently come to find that your husband/third failed to give you a heads up. Not just once but several times. You are upset at the broken agreement. Is that it?
2) This is a triad. The agreement that sex is only shared as group sex. Do not go pair off alone behind your back. Now you find out they have. Not just once, but several times and neither/both did not tell you. You are upset at the broken agreement. Is that it?
This agreement is not reasonable long term. If all agree to start there as a soft limit, that's fine... but over time it each dyad inside the triad will want time on their own. That agreement cannot be there forever -- it is restrictive.
This agreement could be ok long term or be ok as a soft limit to let go of in time. If you share a home I could see wanting a heads up there's a date planned and it likely could involve sex share so you can make yourself scarce and not suddenly walk in on nekkid people in various rooms.
You have recently come to find that your husband/third failed to give you a heads up. Not just once but several times. You are upset at the broken agreement. Is that it?
2) This is a triad. The agreement that sex is only shared as group sex. Do not go pair off alone behind your back. Now you find out they have. Not just once, but several times and neither/both did not tell you. You are upset at the broken agreement. Is that it?
This agreement is not reasonable long term. If all agree to start there as a soft limit, that's fine... but over time it each dyad inside the triad will want time on their own. That agreement cannot be there forever -- it is restrictive.
Either way, if both broke agreement? That's not cool. They could apologize. Then you ALL could review to see what needs changing.
Would have been better to not agree in the first place. Or if it was ok to start but changed in time? Each / both could come to you to renegotiate that agreement or tell you each no longer intends to keep it because it is no longer a good fit. Not just go off breaking it and lying. That is not kind, considerate or respectful behavior.
I am sorry you are dealing in that disappointment.
If you still want to be in this, I suggest you guys could talk. Here is an older post about a trio who had to talk and sort it out after similar "behind my back" sex share happened. It was hard for them but they pushed through it and made it out. Perhaps that gives you hope/comfort?
Triad shape is challenging -- it is 3 v's stacked up on top of each other.
If you want to forgive, just decide you are and start that process. Talking the problem out to begin to heal and being to rebuild the broken trust/wonky communication/wonky expectations.
If you do not want to forgive, this is a relationship deal breaker? Then you could have a different kind of talk and decide to go from there also.
But since you sound pretty upset right now? Do your self care stuff first so you can breathe again. Take a time out, take a walk, have a good cry -- whatever it is you like best in those moments to help you gather yourself back together.
HTH!
Galagirl
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Daenerys
New member
I believe that you have not revealed all the information that is necessary to give you good advice. All that comes to my mind are questions:
What precisely was your husband lying about? What agreements were in place? What do you mean by "sleeping with your 3rd behind your back"? Did you maybe start a V and he was lying about when he began to have sex with the other person? Or did he have more romantic dates with the third person than you agreed on?
What precisely was your husband lying about? What agreements were in place? What do you mean by "sleeping with your 3rd behind your back"? Did you maybe start a V and he was lying about when he began to have sex with the other person? Or did he have more romantic dates with the third person than you agreed on?
Dagferi
Well-known member
I think this is more of a case of someone viewing their third as a sex toy not a human being.
948
I wasn't allowed to have 1 on 1 sex with my husband but SHE could!?! AND they DIDN'T do it safely!!!!
I wasn't allowed to have 1 on 1 sex with my husband but SHE could!?! AND they DIDN'T do it safely!!!!
Dagferi
Well-known member
More information would be helpful.... like what is the structure of your relationships.
But from what I can see.... your triad has some rough roads ahead.
Wth is with the group sex only rules.
2904
The agreement was that no two of us were to do anything sexual without the third being present. On the second night that we were a three they went off together and had oral until the sun was rising while I cried in our marital bed ALONE because the agreement was IMMEDIATELY broken. I told them that it hurt me and they agreed to it again. It was then a matter of a couple weeks until it was happening again. I didn't get to do those things with him or her and frankly neither of them wanted to do that with me. It kept on until 6 months into the relationship I couldn't handle the way she abused me and told them that either I had to leave or she did. That is when he told me about their lies and deceit.
The agreement was that no two of us were to do anything sexual without the third being present. On the second night that we were a three they went off together and had oral until the sun was rising while I cried in our marital bed ALONE because the agreement was IMMEDIATELY broken. I told them that it hurt me and they agreed to it again. It was then a matter of a couple weeks until it was happening again. I didn't get to do those things with him or her and frankly neither of them wanted to do that with me. It kept on until 6 months into the relationship I couldn't handle the way she abused me and told them that either I had to leave or she did. That is when he told me about their lies and deceit.
I don't see this as a poly relationship at all. I see this as a completely disrespectful, dysfunctional mess. Mistakes can be forgiven but this wasn't a mistake they made once. It's a pattern of behavior.
Inyourendo
New member
It sounds like that isn't a realistic rule for any of you. Time to abolish it
Daenerys
New member
So if I understand correctly, you are having a triad, but not in the conventional sense which usually involves sexual relations in all three duos. Sex is only allowed when all three are present. How did you end up with that agreement? I honestly don't know anybody who has kept that up long term, and obviously it isn't working for the three of you.
They broke the agreement, repeatedly, lied about it, and the other lady abused you in some way. You now want her to leave or you yourself will leave. How did they react to this other than exposing their deceit? Did they show sincere willingness to make amends and work on a more realistic agreement that better suits all your needs? Or do you feel that there is no chance this relationship can work in this combination?
I'm very sorry that this turned out to be such a mess - maybe some serious soul searching is in order to find out what you want and where you are willing to compromise. Then sit down and talk to your partners. If you have a bad feeling about it, don't disregard it and act accordingly - both of them have been very disrespectful, so be cautious.
They broke the agreement, repeatedly, lied about it, and the other lady abused you in some way. You now want her to leave or you yourself will leave. How did they react to this other than exposing their deceit? Did they show sincere willingness to make amends and work on a more realistic agreement that better suits all your needs? Or do you feel that there is no chance this relationship can work in this combination?
I'm very sorry that this turned out to be such a mess - maybe some serious soul searching is in order to find out what you want and where you are willing to compromise. Then sit down and talk to your partners. If you have a bad feeling about it, don't disregard it and act accordingly - both of them have been very disrespectful, so be cautious.
For how long? First 3 times of sex? First 3 weeks? That might be ok temporarily as you sort out how to be together and talk that out.
Forever? Not realistic. It is at least 6 mos in of this agreement -- and you are all in the pressure cooker. Agreement does not work. But nobody sounds like they are talking about making ones that do.
If it is immediately broken, that is their bad. They could apologize for breaking it. They messed up.
For all of you to agree to it again "as is" rather than taking a time out to determine what about the agreement is good and keepable and what about the agreement is lacking or faulty? For six months of it?
That's ALL of you messing up.
Right off the bat -- for how LONG? I see no time frame.
And for what PURPOSE? Unsaid.
The agreement as presented so far is/was lacking in some critical bits. Are you able to see past your current hurt to see that?
That is the past. What's been going on TODAY?
Is it that you think people are obligated to share sex with you even if they do not want to? Is that the purpose of the agreement? To guarantee you sex?
Or is it that you think the agreement was not serving YOUR needs either? Because it restricted you from ASKING if people want to share sex with you one-on-one to meet a connection need. Because if you did that, then YOU too would be breaking the agreement if you ask that of one of the partners to skulk off, tempting them to break it too.
What did she do that was abusive to you? Get upset that they don't get time as a duo? Or behaving nasty to you?
Could you be dealing with powerful poly hell feelings?
Made worse by this trio making wonky agreements? And not understanding that the overall polyship is made up of the mini relationships within? If those aren't cool, then the overall system cannot be cool either. Group sex or not.
Welcome to the polymath.
Maybe this works better as a V with him as the hinge? Rather than forcing a triad?
I am very sorry you deal in this. I do see your upset feelings. I can guess you probably want to stop hurting.
I'm not sure though, what your desired outcome is for the state of the union. What is it? What relationship shape would you like best at this point in time? Where do you want this to go next?
Galagirl
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IndieSolo
Active member
Why? What's the point in such nonsense and foolishness?
Well, feeling sorry for yourself and crying because an agreement was broken doesn't really do anyone any good. If you all agreed to have sex together - even though it's a stupid rule - why didn't you go and join them instead of crying in bed and playing the victim?
There is a difference between "they hurt me" and "I felt hurt." You could have chosen any number of emotional responses. Your feelings are not anyone else's responsibility.
Well, it is obvious there is some major incompatibility between you and them. Hon, none of you seem mature enough nor ready enough to handle having multiple loving relationships. You seem to be making it all about the sex and everyone getting even. Yuck.
Why did you put up with crap for so long? If you are unhappy and do not trust your partner, why stay? I think you all could use some therapy and learn how to respect each other. Also do some growing up - this all sounds so "junior high school." Perhaps separating from your husband for a while, and taking time to work on your relationship to yourself, learning how to communicate better, choosing people to be in your life that respect you, building your self-esteem, etc., would help.
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