How do I talk about this with him?

[xbemlffx]

Hey guys. I'm new here and was hoping to get some perspective on my situation. (I apologize if this scenario has been played out and beat to death, but I'm having trouble navigating from my phone.)

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3, and have never been in a poly relationship. It's something that I have always been interested in and I've broached the subject many times. We have talked about it frequently and he seems to be becoming more and more interested in the topic.

The issue at hand is that in his head he seems to be wanting the ever-popular unicorn, a triad with the hot bi girl that loves and wants us both equally. I am completely prepared for the possibility and probability that that will not happen. I don't believe my hubby is, though.

I don't want another man. At this point in my life, it's not what I'm looking for. So we are definitely on the same page as far as that. But I think the trouble lies in the fact that I don't think he understands and is kind of hurt by the fact that I want another RELATIONSHIP, not just sex. He is completely okay with having a threeway, but I'm not positive that he's prepared for a relationship which it doesn't involve both of us equally, or at all, for that matter.

Please forgive me if I seem to be babbling. I'm just not exactly sure what to say to get my point across.

 

[redpepper]

Do a search for unicorn. There is a lot to read here.

Yeah, that is a worry. The sexy threesome with two girls fantasy may be overriding reality for him. Give it time. It will all sink in.

I would be really surprised if you find that the two of you have similar tastes in women for long-term relationships. Usually partners pick similar ones to us, and usually we aren't interested in people that are like us. But it does happen.

I hope he is reading here too and that you find time to discuss and educate yourselves as much as possible. Not that you will have all your ducks in a row anyway, when the first person comes along to be with one or both of you, but it does help.

 

[xbemlffx]

Do a search for unicorn.

Yeah, that is a worry. The sexy threesome with two girls fantasy may be overriding reality for him. Give it time. It all sinks in.

I would be really surprised if you find that the two of you have similar tastes in women for long term relationships. Usually partners pick similar ones to us, and usually we aren't interested in people that are like us. But it does happen.

I hope he is reading here too and that you find time to discuss and educate yourselves as much as possible. Not that you will have all your ducks in a row anyway when the first person comes along to be with one or both of you, but it does help.

Yes, I'm sure things will definitely be hectic the first time around.

How did people here get past the awkward stages of poly relationships, especially those who were married first?

An even bigger issue at hand is that we have been separated and recently reconciled.so recently that we are still not living together. I know this isn't the right time, and we both have to get our lives straight before anyone else comes in. But I honestly do feel that our relationship is strong as it ever was, and that once we get settled back in things will run smoothly.

While we were separated, we both messed around, me more successfully than him. He may resent that my 3way sex scene went well, and his didn't. I also know that he is hurt that it wasn't with him. I'm scared that this is the only reason he's interested, and that in the long run it will hurt us.

 

[vodkafan]

This is just from a man's point of view. I think you are right. Your husband isn't on the same page with you at all yet. This may sound crude, but it sounds like he needs to go out and get himself laid to get his confidence back. Then he can feel on a more equal footing with you in the relationship, before you embark on anything else.

 

[Quath]

I think you should get the idea straight with him about what you are looking for. And let him know that a triad is possible, but may or may not happen. He should read up on poly so he doesn't approach this as a great material for a letter to Penthouse.