How do you deal with it when your spouse changes their mind about polyamory?

[Bobbi]

In my wife's mind, she is allowed to set a boundary for my relationship with my partner and she is allowed to give/remove consent for me to have a partner. If I do something she doesn't like, it is my job to fix it. I used to believe that

That is monogamous thinking. She believes you are her property and that she can control you because of that. She thinks marriage is a legal document that says you are hers and have no autonomy. So many marriages end in divorce because control and power have no place in a lifelong partnership, legal or otherwise

 

[Hereinthedark]

This really hits home for me. My exh and I both started to develop emotionally intimate relationships and we agreed to have a don't ask don't tell (mistake)... Things worked really well for a while. Probably the happiest I have been. Unfortunately, I think my feelings fell more deep in this and he was more on the spectrum of his partner being a good time. Now, post divorce, I had to challenge him that me being the person who consoled her through vague mental breakdowns when he started to pull back that there was emotional intimacy there for her. She was my close friend and I guess I was okay with the blurring of boundaries because I felt like they both cared about me... Eventually he wanted to go back to being a normal married couple and asked me a lot about my other relationship. He asked, I told... And from there, he wanted it to end... And he created a fantasy where things just go back to how they were...

I really struggle with the lack of choice, because my heart was tied to my other partner. Eventually, my exh and I split because of many reasons, but definitely some contributing factors were my continuing connection to this other person and also not enough space/time to heal our own connection...

Fast forward, my other connection's partner pushed our connection a lot when she didn't want a romantic relationship with him, and was okay for years with us being close, going to events together, etc. When I became ''single", she became threatened by our connection, and after a rollercoaster of no, yes, no, yes defaulted to the same stance. I don't care what happened in the past, but it needs to stop now. Unfortunately for me, he tried to play both sides for a bit, under the confusion card, and dragged my heart through the mud, until eventually things were make or break on his end, and I was the piece that didn't fit.

My point is, I became collateral damage in this and the impact was devastating for me. I respect people's right to choose what works for them and what doesn't, but your wife allowed you to open the door and then expected you to close it on her command. For me, it felt very unfair to be allowed to develop this connection only to be penalized for its existence years later. I learned a lot of hard lessons through this experience, but it made me acutely aware that opening up a relationship shouldn't be taken lightly. I think if a couple is going down this route, they really need to think about how to handle a situation like this, because real people are tied into these decisions. Don't be careless with curiosity.

I don't have much advice other than I trust if you are being forced to do something that you don't want to do it to appease another person, that long term it's going to lead to other issues. It has to be your decision. And your decision can be "I am willing to sacrifice this relationship to make it work for my wife." But if that isn't your decision, then the conversation with your wife that this is something that is a part of your life now, and you want her to be too, what can you guys do to increase her comfort and security to know you are here with her too?

 

[MoPoly]

@Hereinthedark ouch. I didn’t want to ‘Like’ your post as ‘thumbs up’ is not the right response but sending a virtual hug.

I also think veto rights are massively unfair on the new partner and, if they do exist, should definitely be a first date declaration. “My partner and I have discussed all aspects of polyamory and have agreed veto rights. If my partner did veto our relationship, even after years of love with you, then I’d obey it and dump you!”

I guess they wouldn’t get many people looking for dates with them!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I also think veto rights are massively unfair on the new partner

Well, the reality is that most fulfilled partnered people in long-term relationships will not compromise that fulfilling established relationship for a new entity. So, to a large extent, every partnered person will likely terminate your relationship with them if they view it as obstructive to existing happy relationships.

How will they know it is obstructive? Well, basically, because their established partner will let them know. So the series of events will still be that someone's spouse doesn't like you dating their marriage partner for whatever reason, and your relationship with the hinge ends as a result of that.

This isn't as true of people who are in unfulfilling, established relationships, where they suspect they may find greater happiness and fulfilment outside of the established relationship. They are more likely to leave the established relationship, or try to sustain it in unhealthy ways and try and keep the newer source of contentment too.

I don't understand being adamantly anti-veto, but still being willing to date highly-partnered people in traditional set-ups.

 

[Bobbi]

Well, the reality is that most fulfilled partnered people in long-term relationships will not compromise that fulfilling established relationship for a new entity. So, to a large extent, every partnered person will likely terminate your relationship with them if they view it as obstructive to existing happy relationships.

How will they know it is obstructive? Well, basically, because their established partner will let them know. So the series of events will still be that someone's spouse doesn't like you dating their marriage partner for whatever reason, and your relationship with the hinge ends as a result of that.

This isn't as true of people who are in unfulfilling, established relationships, where they suspect they may find greater happiness and fulfilment outside of the established relationship. They are more likely to leave the established relationship, or try to sustain it in unhealthy ways and try and keep the newer source of contentment too.

I don't understand being adamantly anti-veto, but still being willing to date highly-partnered people in traditional set-ups.

I agree with this. In the end, a relationship is working or it's not. People break up for many reasons. Sometimes those reasons suck and sometimes you don't even get a reason why.

In the end, the hinge will choose what's best for them and they have to live with their choices. That being said, bad hinges can blame their partners when they should instead be owning their own decisions. If there is a conflict, the hinge will choose the stronger relationship. I find it interesting that rarely does anybody ever says it's bad for a hinge to leave an established partner when these issues come up. Some even have a policy to leave that partner if they ever have an issue. It does work both ways, and sucks, no matter what. This is an inherent risk when you engage in non-monogamy. People should just be upfront about it, if that's a known agreement.