How do you deal with it when your spouse changes their mind about polyamory?

Bobbi said:
It’s not dismissive. It’s called consent. People do not have to give consent to things others want them to do. If someone has feelings because their partner won’t do what they want, that’s okay. You can care about another person's feelings without taking responsibility for them, or even being a doormat to try to prevent them. That would be unhealthy.
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Thank you. I agree and it is what I have been working on with my therapist.

In my wife's mind, she is allowed to set a boundary for my relationship with my partner and she is allowed to give/remove consent for me to have a partner. If I do something she doesn't like, it is my job to fix it. I used to believe that.

It is very unhealthy.
 
astrosneddy said:
Logically, that's entirely correct, but, as you said, "That would be unhealthy." Some people are unhealthy. They are in the process of becoming better. That's often what they are doing by posting, trying to become better. But the answer, "Be more healthy" doesn't validate their situation, which, healthy or not, is their reality. They are looking for assistance in changing that, but it seems a lot of people have no compassion for those going through logically understandable and reasonable feelings, even if they are things that a healthier person should know better.

Polyamory is a revolutionary change people are trying to take. It's not been modelled for them in the movies or by their family or friends or society. It seems like a negative approach to not take a softer and more compassionate approach to those seeking advice and help, even if their issues are all far too common and the answers are obvious to you, someone who has passed by them before.
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Leading with compassion and empathy is very important.

The fine line I am learning in individual therapy is that it is not my job to take on my wife's sudden negative feelings about polyamory and my partner. I should be there to love her, to support her through it but ultimately it is her responsibility to address them. If there are things that I can adjust to make her feel more secure, I will do them, as long as I am accepting them freely.

What I used to do to handle situation like that, is show empathy to my wife's feeling while completely forfeiting on my owns needs and people pleasing her. Our older monogamous couple therapist would re-enforce that mindset of co-dependency: if your wife feels bad about that, then don't do it. There are a lot of terrible advice in monogamy that push to put your partner and the marriage above you. It is almost romanticized.

So yes, it sounds cold, hard and selfish at first to say that my wife should take responsibility for her feelings and me for mine, but that is the hard truth. It can be done with a lot of empathy of course.
 
Hi JamesLove,

Sorry to hear that things with your wife have gotten worse rather than better. I am also sorry to hear that you have had some bad therapists during this process. Good for you for recognizing that you were getting bad advice, and cancelling further sessions. Sometimes you have to go through a number of therapists before you find one that is right and good for your situation. It sounds like your individual therapist is good, that is one hopeful detail.

I encourage you to keep standing up for yourself. You are a good person with your own wants and needs, and you deserve some consideration. If your wife is unwilling and unable to hear your side of things, then maybe you should divorce. I don't say that lightly, I know that divorce is a bloody big deal. But I also think your wife's behavior is very extreme right now. Extreme situations call for extreme solutions.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
JamesLove -- I'm so sorry to hear things are so rough!

That insane amount of pressure sent me straight to the ER very recently. One morning I went to work and when I got there, I went straight to the ER and cried for 4 hours straight. I couldn't take it anymore
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I'm sorry all these things happened but I'm glad you see the ER trip part as a wake up call. You really cannot run yourself into the ground trying to please/appease wife. Your well being was taking some serious dings.

One doesn't light themselves on fire to keep someone else warm.

In my wife's mind, she is allowed to set a boundary for my relationship with my partner and she is allowed to give/remove consent for me to have a partner. If I do something she doesn't like, it is my job to fix it. I used to believe that.

It is very unhealthy.
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I'm glad you see it is unhealthy.

I really wish it didn't get to that but love is not enough. We love each other very much but her behavior is unacceptable, abusive, assaultive and she takes no responsibility for it. In her head, the main danger in our marriage is my partner. She doesn't want to acknowledge that she is the one destroying our relationship while blaming my partner and putting the burden to fix it on me.
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I'm also glad you see this poor behavior for what it is, and I am glad you are checking your options with a lawyer.

Love is part of being in a relationship. But love alone is not enough. It does NOT make up for abusive behaviors. I'm glad you will separate if wife keeps on this destructive path. I hope things get better for you, one way or another.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Love is part of being in a relationship. But love alone is not enough. It does NOT make up for abusive behaviors. I'm glad that you will separate if wife keeps on this destructive path.
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Thank you. Sadly, it took me a long time to recognize the abusive behavior.

Yes, she is on a destructive path. That is what my friends and family have been telling me. I have had a hard time believing it, but I am finally looking at her behavior for what it is.

I don’t want to separate, but I need to give myself a healthy way out of this situation. I would rather go through the pain of a divorce than stay in a relationship that has turned abusive and where I have enabled my wife to be so destructive.

She has a lot of internal issues to deal with. Destroying her marriage, and me in the process, and destroying the stability of our family is not ok. The divorce is the last barrier I am setting up if she keeps going down that path.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi JamesLove,

Sorry to hear that things with your wife have gotten worse rather than better. I am also sorry to hear that you have had some bad therapists during this process. Good for you for recognizing that you were getting bad advice, and cancelling further sessions. Sometimes you have to go through a number of therapists before you find one that is right and good for your situation. It sounds like your individual therapist is good, that is one hopeful detail.

I encourage you to keep standing up for yourself. You are a good person with your own wants and needs, and you deserve some consideration. If your wife is unwilling and unable to hear your side of things, then maybe you should divorce. I don't say that lightly, I know that divorce is a bloody big deal. But I also think your wife's behavior is very extreme right now. Extreme situations call for extreme solutions.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
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Thank you. Yes, that couple's therapist was just too junior to handle a complex case like ours. The individual therapy is amazing.

I don’t want to divorce, for sure. But I need an escape hatch if she continues down her path. I want to understand my options, how to protect myself, our kids, our assets, and also how to help my wife. She needs years of mental-health treatment.

Having to confront the reality of her decisions may help her to realize what she is destroying.

It has been really hard for me to find the confidence to stand up for my polyamory needs and wants. Being in a mono-normative culture, anything that threatens the married couple is seen as discardable. But my individual therapist has been a great source of support and has helped me define my own needs and wants, and feel confident in standing up for them.
 
Love can make us stay in things much longer than is actually healthy. Our soft feelings for the person tempt us to excuse or enable poor behaviors. You can love someone a lot, but not at the expense of your own wellbeing.

I think you are doing the right things.

I don’t want to separate, but I need to give myself a healthy way out of this situation. I would rather go through the pain of a divorce than stay in relationship that has turned abusive, where I have enabled my wife to be so destructive.
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It can be very hard to be at this crossroads place. You may leave with regrets, sadness, love, etc. But you still leave ANYWAY because the situation has become unsafe/unhealthy.

I'm glad your individual therapist is a good one and is helping you.

Galagirl
 
It IS maladaptive. The nicest thing would be not to do the abusive behavior in the first place. Then no "make-up" actions would even be required. Plus, I don't think it's actually nice for you. It's for her to think she's "nice." There's a difference.

GG
 
Hi JamesLove,

You are doing the right things, carry on. I hope your wife stops going down her current path, but do give yourself an escape hatch just in case. The hope is that she will get the professional help she needs.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Plus, I don't think it's actually nice for you. It's for her to think she's "nice." There's a difference.
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Good observation.

As she is going through therapy and as we talk, I've seen that she has very low self esteem and has grown to depend on me to make her feel good about herself. That is why we ended up codependent before we opened up.

Opening up our marriage a few years ago, to start with swinging, then more solo casual fun, was hard at first. But it gave me a boost of confidence in myself. I think it did for my wife for a while. But when she saw me go from struggling to hook up with someone without her help, to having my own full-fledged poly relationship, it hit her really hard. She had been doing the same for herself for years, but I was behind initially.

A lot of her behavior is designed to make her feel better about herself. But it is very maladaptive. It has destroyed our marriage and any relationships she has had. She is not able to keep many friends.

She blames me for how she feels, doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and tries to control what I do, etc. All of that is designed to fill the void she has inside her. I recognize that. I have empathy for her. I understand it comes from years of horrific childhood abuse. But the worst thing I can do is get swallowed into her and give in, because if I do, I will lose myself, and she won’t get better anyway.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi JamesLove,

You are doing the right things, carry on. I hope your wife stops going down her current path, but do give yourself an escape hatch just in case. The hope is that she will get the professional help she needs.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thank you.

She is getting the professional help she needs for herself. It is going to take years for her to stabilize.

The hard part is that our relationship needs help. But we have struggled to find a good couple's therapist that understands her dissociative disorder, who is also truly poly informed.

My wife also changes her mind quite often, depending on her mental state. We looked for a new couple's therapist a few months ago, because my wife wanted one that was poly-friendly. We finally found one and the first thing she announces was that she wanted a closed marriage... well, a closed marriage that still allowed for friends with benefits and overnights.

Talk about confusing! My therapist tells me I am dealing with quicksand with my wife and that I should anchor myself to what I need and want for myself
 
If I am correctly understanding what you're saying, your wife is getting individual counseling/therapy for herself -- plus you are getting individual therapy for you, plus you are trying to find a good couple therapist for both of you.

If I got all that right, then there is hope that she will gradually get better. But as you said, this is a process that will take years. So I guess my question is, how many years are you willing to wait, for her to improve? I assume your answer might change if you are seeing immediate improvements, and I guess my next question is, are you seeing any improvement right now?
 
kdt26417 said:
If I am correctly understanding what you're saying, your wife is getting individual counseling/therapy for herself -- plus you are getting individual therapy for you, plus you are trying to find a good couple therapist for both of you.

If I got all that right, then there is hope that she will gradually get better. But as you said, this is a process that will take years. So I guess my question is, how many years are you willing to wait, for her to improve? I assume your answer might change if you are seeing immediate improvements, and I guess my next question is, are you seeing any improvement right now?
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Yes, that is correct. My wife actually has two individual therapists: one for her mental illness and another one that is poly-friendly. She picked the poly therapist a few months ago, when she wanted to do polyamory.

There was a lot of progress over the past couple of years, when we started swinging, playing solo. My wife got over a lot of jealousy and insecurity and was very comfortable with me having regular sex partners.

It is when she brought up polyamory that everything went sideways. She was more than happy having a boyfriend, basking in NRE. But when she saw me do the same, it was a gut punch and after a couple of days of me starting my new relationship, she tried to sabotage it.

Then it got worse. Her mental health declined, the abuse started to ramp up. Her mental illness was diagnosed and it explained a lot, but the impact was the same.

She has been getting better, from the low point she reached this year when she physically assaulted me and could not, at times, recognize the kids.

It is not sustainable the way it is right now. My frustration and resentment is growing fast.

I have been waiting a year for things to get better. I won’t wait another year.
 
I'm glad you've given yourself a timeline.
 
It is not sustainable the way it is right now. My frustration and resentment is growing fast.

I have been waiting a year for things to get better. I won’t wait another year.
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Glad you have given yourself a time limit.

GG
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Being married and connected to a person with this kind of mental illness sounds incredibly hard and painful.
 
It sounds like polyamory is a poor fit for your wife. It did bad things to her psyche.
 
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