How do you handle your partner being gone?

K

kvb

New member
I'm wondering if anyone has tips/advice on handling their partner being away? (I have posted most of my backstory in a separate thread here.)

Mine left yesterday for a weekend with his other partner and whenever he goes away I struggle to occupy my brain and my emotional highs/lows. It's especially difficult because we have a 10 year old who obviously doesn't know where Dad really is or why I am kind of high strung when Dad leaves. I told my child yesterday when they asked what was wrong that grown up relationships are complicated and sometimes we struggle with things, but that I am okay and it is nothing that they need to worry about.

I have told my partner in certain terms what I need from him when he is gone, (the first time he went away for the night, he checked in with me via text a few times and I found it really really helped calm me down emotionally.) and I am hoping he continues to do that. I don't feel comfortable reaching out to him while he is away. I only respond when I hear from him. (Unless there is an emergency of course.)

I find I do okay until I start to think (especially at night when I am alone/our child is asleep) about what they are doing. I literally see him doing the things we do together with her in my mind and my stomach turns, I have trouble sleeping etc.

Sometimes I can compartmentalize things just fine and other times my brain/heart just won't cooperate. I don't even know if compartmentalization is the healthiest way to deal with things. Should I force myself to face the reality of where he is and what he could be doing? I just don't know the answer.

Having unfortunately seen some of their text exchanges accidentally (I posted about this...he left it up on a screen I happened to walk by) makes it even harder because the way he seems to be with her, is the way he used to be with me but really isn't anymore.

Again, I have posted about this in another thread, we aren't in a terrible place as a couple, but we have had many hardships over the past 12 years and we are coming off the heels of being in a really super crappy place and although we are making progress, we definitely have a very long way to go still. Which I am guessing doesn't make any of this easier.

Especially when he can escape to a place where he can have that connection with someone without any of the real life hardship and struggles we have and I know will continue to have.

I also struggle when he returns, the last time was about a month ago, he spent his birthday night with her and I became pretty emotional when he returned.
I don't know how to behave or respond to him when he gets back. All I can think is what a good time he had while I was here, hurting and driving myself crazy.

I know that's not his responsibility, no one is responsible for my happiness and emotional well-being but me, but f*ck it is HARD.

Does anyone have any tips/coping mechanisms that they have found helpful?
Any advice or perspective is greatly appreciated as I am having a really hard time coping right now.

For the record I should add, I am mono as of right now. I'm not opposed to trying to see someone else at some point but only if it feels right and so far, that just hasn't happened.
 
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Hi

Have fun! What do you do without him that is just fun?... Do that.
Live your life! Do everything that you enjoy.... Go dancing with you child. Go out somewhere fun for your child if you can. Play games...board or video!! Go to a movie, museum, park, eat tasty, eat crazy new! Take a class.... However short.
Find a local poly group of families. Talk on the internet with like minded folk.
I could go on

Let's just keep it short and sweet.... It's your time to work on you! And you to make you .. happy and full filled .. or at least have fun trying ;)
 
Instead of compartmentalizing, I would work on what makes you feel so high strung. If you are feeling twisted up then something is wrong.

Personally, I enjoy alone time. Maybe you should get a sitter and go out and have some fun. No reason for you to be sitting at home wondering and worrying.
 
kvb, a couple of points you made in your other thread struck a nerve with me:

I have always been a free thinker and somewhat of a non-conformist so logically it is very easy for me to understand the motivation for wanting to connect intimately with other people. Emotionally however, it's infinitely more difficult for me. I get mad at myself a lot. My heart and brain don't agree...
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You could be describing my own attitude here. Intellectually, you may be an unconventional yet highly rational thinker. You may technically "understand" the reasons why polyamory makes logical sense and even agree with it in principle, as you say.

However... and it's a big HOWEVER... you find the reality of poly life difficult to deal with. Not so much the "poly", but the "amory" part. You accept your husband has another partner, but when faced with the reality of their LOVE for each other (the texts you saw... the mental visions of what goes on between them during an overnight) you become anxious and dejected.


I think one of the things that bothers me most is knowing my partner the way I do, and remembering what things were like when we first got together. The time when everything is magical and "real life" issues like money, parenting, jobs etc. don't even exist... and there are things he used to do for me and say about me that he hasn't in years anymore.
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As for the above, I think you are in mourning. And not only for your late brother, which is a separate and very real issue and probably plays into your feelings in this situation... but I believe you are grieving for the way things once were between you; for the people you both were then, before all the difficulties and heartbreak set in.

Whenever he leaves your family home, you see (and/or imagine) he is giving something to someone else that used to be "yours" alone.

It IS a loss - the passing of that phase where you're both totally smitten/enamoured of each other - especially when you can see so clearly that they now have this (NRE) with someone else. Your loved one may have moved on, while you may still love them with a level of intensity similar to earlier in your relationship. That loss... that discrepancy of reciprocated emotion... can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression like you describe. And over time, can erode feelings of self worth.

If you simply agreed or "went along" with your partner's decision to open up the relationship, but were not fully on board at heart, you probably also feel a loss of control over that most personal and intimate area of your life: your primary love connection. And in your case, thus far, your only connection of this kind.

As much as you may need strategies for keeping busy, mentally occupied, overcoming jealousy etc. for those times your partner is away... you also need to work on long-term methods of relaxation, coping with anxiety, and dealing with depression caused by grief/loss.

It is easy for some experienced poly folk - or those for whom poly has long been an identity - to advise you to "just have fun" and live your own life in his absence. (And I understand that you *should* strive to achieve this, particularly for the kids' sake.) However I get the feeling this advice would be very difficult for you to put into practice right now, as to me it sounds as if you are "poly" in name only because you felt like you didn't really have much choice other than to agree or risk potentially losing your husband.

I wish I had some foolproof advice to give you. Unfortunately, I have struggled with similar feelings when my partners go away together without me, and it often depends on my mood as to what I need to feel more secure in that moment. (i.e. Sometimes more direct communication, sometimes a complete blackout/compartmentalisation.)

However, I DO think you could benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy geared towards coping with anxiety, so as to put a stop to the overthinking and perseverating on unwelcome thoughts and visuals. Perhaps hypnotherapy might be useful here, if the problem persists beyond the first few months. I am not sure if anyone on the forum has experience with this (?)

Chronic anxiety and suppressed feelings of loss, anger and jealousy can lead to depression which in turn leads to a decrease in motivation and enjoyment of outside interests, weight loss/gain, and a general lowering of quality of life. Your children need your best self during their formative years. YOU need to be the best person you can be, for yourself too, AND for your partner to whom you are still committed, so it is in your best interests to seek out the strategies and therapies which will best help you manage your feelings around this issue.

FWIW, I know it's not a popular opinion in poly communities, but I do not subscribe wholeheartedly-no-exceptions to the idea that each person ALONE is responsible for their own feelings within a relationship. Sure, nobody can live our lives for us, and to the degree that we are all autonomous individuals I concur.

However, when two (or more) people forge a long-term bond of love and trust and agree to merge their lives, finances and physical bodies with each other... certain expectations/agreements/limits come into effect, whether explicitly stated or implied. One of these is the expectation that romantic love will be on-going, not arbitrarily change/reduce/disappear when a "new shiny" comes along.

If the latter occurs, without any remorse or attempt to work on this issue by the "offending" person, it is not on the negatively affected party to simply learn to manage their hurt feelings or "deal with it". You MAY be overreacting in this instance, kvb, however you may have genuine reasons to feel dissatisfied and I believe you need to address what's going on here from multiple angles.
 
lunabunny- First of all thank you for taking so much time to reply. Second, WOW. You hit the nail precisely on the head. That IS exactly what it is. I never thought of it that way.

I am a logical enough thinker to get why polyamory makes sense. There are past partners in my life that I would definitely be intimate with again if the opportunity presented. So I totally get that part of it.

I had never thought about the mourning aspect you mentioned, but it makes perfect sense. Especially since he made it clear he isn't in love with me or anyone else right now. After 12 years, I am absolutely still in love with him. I don't think I would be here after all we have been thru otherwise honestly. That he is showering someone else with all the love and affection that used to be reserved solely for me...is incredibly difficult to cope with sometimes. That he spent a few years just with me since we opened the relationship doesn't help either. I think I got used to having him all to myself again and out of nowhere it seems, with no discussion etc. he is back out there...and it hurts.

The other thing is that I have a hard time reconciling knowing that his other partner, KNOWS how hard this is for me. It's judgmental and shitty I admit, but it kind of bothers me that she knows we have a family etc., but the strain the relationship causes on us/me, doesn't seem to bother her. Like I said, judgmental and shitty yes, but I don't think I could be with someone who had a family if I knew I was part of the reason someone out there was in pain when they didn't have to be. I have to remember not only is this not her responsibility but that I also know she doesn't really know much good about me. He seems to only share the shit, and maybe that is because he wants/needs someone to talk to, but I can't imagine it doesn't color her opinion of me and my relationship with him.

The idea that he has the NRE with someone else (especially since they have dated on/off for years) is definitely part of what is causing my anxiety and pain. I think I am definitely afraid that when/if he falls in love with someone again, it will be her...and not me and that there is a possibility he may never be in love with me again. To me, you can't truly love someone without going thru hardships together, but I also know love means something different for every single person on earth.

You are also right that when we started this, I agreed because logically I understood it, and of course when you love someone, you want them to be happy. I did however know in the beginning, that it was going to be really hard for me. At the same time I wanted to challenge myself because I honestly don't know if I have been monogamous most of my life because it is what I believe or what I have been "conditioned" to believe and I don't like that. If this doesn't work for me, I want it to be because I have decided it doesn't work for me, not because the majority of society says it shouldn't work.

I am working really hard to focus on myself right now, and it's proving difficult but not totally unsuccessful. I have taken care of a few things since he left that I have wanted to do for me for quite some time, so that feels good. I still can't sleep for shit though. If I get 5 hours...it is a miracle. Compartmentalization is helping, although I don't know if it is healthy or not...

I am working on seeking out therapy also just FYI, even without all this, I need it. We both do. That is definitely something that I think is paramount. I'm hoping when our child returns to school in the next couple of weeks we will have more time to make it a priority.

Thank you for saying that you don't subscribe wholeheartedly to us being on our own entirely on how we feel in a relationship. I agree with you 100%, I have a choice on how I respond, yes. But the idea the the person you built a life and family with is supposed to have zero affect on you seems insane to me.

I think you are also right about my not just "sucking it up" and "dealing with it." The problem with that is, I have no idea how to talk to him about sometimes. There is part of me that wants to be completely no-holds-barred honest with him about all the stupid emotional shit that goes on in my head and the other part is terrified of not only making myself THAT vulnerable, but what his response would be. I am pretty good at acknowledging when I am being completely illogical and I will always acknowledge that what I am saying is coming from a place of emotion and might sound crazy and/or make no sense. I recognize that I can't always control my emotions. The best I can do is acknowledge them and their ridiculousness if applicable etc.

I know he is trying. He has sent me at least three text messages since he left and called today see if I was okay. I keep trying to tell myself that things of this magnitude, especially when trying to rewire a part of your brain after 40 plus years is going to take time. That of course, doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better right now.

I also (as I mentioned earlier) have a really hard time when he comes home. My instinct is to be standoffish and petty, though I know that is what I am doing, where it comes from and I try really hard NOT to be that way. But I don't know how to embrace him knowing where he has been for days. I get pretty emotional about it. I cried for quite some time last time he came home.
Of course this not the way I WANT things to be, but I don't know how to celebrate him/love him in that moment.

Part of me really wishes I could talk to her husband. (I won't of course) That he opens his home to my partner. Only because I want to understand HOW you do that without feeling any jealousy or violation. I know he and my partner are casual friends (which I also don't totally understand though again, I would like to) but I really wish I could see things from his perspective. How he deals with their texting/sending nudes almost every day to all the gushing of affection and love. I really wish I could get a different perspective on it. One thing I don't think I could ever do. Home is my sanctuary. It needs to stay that way. I would feel totally violated, but that is just me.

I wonder if this will ever get easier. Not easy...but easier. Universe knows I would like it to. Hell, in my perfect world, we would all be friends. I think I fear that the person I want to be and the person I am will never be the same thing...

Thank you so much for all your perspective and insights. I cannot articulate how much it helps. I feel a lot less alone as well, which is priceless.

Thank you. I'd love to hear any other thoughts you have.

Much gratitude.

kvb
 
Humm why haven't you connected with your metamour's SO?

Nothing wrong with talking to the guy!? Did he not want to talk to you?
 
Rockit49 - No I've actually met him once. He seems like a nice enough guy. I guess I am hesitant to reach out to him for a few reasons. One is that I have no idea if his opinion of me is colored as well because my partner only seems to reveal negative information. Also, I don't know how my partner would react to my wanting to talk to him...I can ask him at some point when he comes back but since he has never defined those "boundaries" to me and his relationship with her/them and his with me is long and marred with complication I don't feel comfortable doing it without talking to him first.
 
Well, Kvb

You can talk and interact socially with whom ever you want! And it's not up to your husband to tell you .. You can or can't talk to them... That's between you and them directly! From any perspective if you didn't sign anything saying otherwise.
If you reach out on your own... That will in itself show you aren't one sided or whatever negative you think they might have heard.... Your SO's sharing isn't who you are.... It's who you are directly with people... Not by this party.

Also one thing is bothering the heck out of me...
Why don't you just tell your SO " never to share Y'all's relations health" with them period.
You can ask for that! If he needs some to talk to about that... He can talk with you or a therapist! If not... Say good bey!
The only picture your metamour should have of you is what you guys share together in person with each other.. That should be her view of you only. That's what adults do

You seem to have desire to connect with your husband's so/meta... Nothing wrong with that in my eyes!
 
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Rockit49 - Thank you so much. You are absolutely right, I guess I was just trying to be respectful, mindful of boundaries and comfort levels if that makes any sense?

I know I don't need his permission to do anything, I guess since all of this is uncharted waters for me, I was/am erring on the extreme side of caution.

I never thought about the idea of letting them get to know me directly thing as opposed to what he tells or doesn't tell them. I guess because I figured what reason do they have to want to get to know me at this point, especially since they already have a somewhat negative opinion. For the record, I HAVE asked him not to share things about us, and although he SAYS he isn't doing that NOW, he was when things were really bad and as recently as father's day so I have no idea what is really going on.

You're right about people knowing me because of ME and not anyone else, that IS what adults do. I think as much as a loathe admitting it, there is a part of me that is scared of being rejected by one or both of them. Which is weird because even though he has dated this woman on and off for years, I still don't want to meet her. I think maybe it is because since I know she is also important to him, that somehow the snippets of the bs we deal with she hears will lead her to encourage him to leave or something? So if I try to reach out to her again and she rejects me...I guess it's pretty scary to think there is nowhere else for me to really go from there....?
 
Nah!

Start with basics... Do you have each other's ice stuff.. can you get ahold of each other directly in such cases?
At some level we are all a bit turned off by rejection...
I just see it as a sign ...
Do I need to be more determined
Do I need to change my tactic
What does it take to achieve what I want
You get the jist ; )
 
Rockit49- I DO get what you're saying. Thank you. I can get in touch with either/both of them directly. I definitely need to think about what I want to ask/what I want to say, what I hope to gain from it and what I hope THEY gain from it before I do anything.
Thanks.

BTW - love your outlook, I'm working on mine...obviously. :)
 
kvb said:
lunabunny- First of all thank you for taking so much time to reply. Second, WOW. You hit the nail precisely on the head.

I had never thought about the mourning aspect you mentioned, but it makes perfect sense. Especially since he made it clear he isn't in love with me or anyone else right now. After 12 years, I am absolutely still in love with him.
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Hi, kvb. You're most welcome. My situation is different to yours, however I can totally empathise with your mindset and many of the struggles you face.

I don't think I read your previous post/s and might have missed the part about your partner no longer being in love with you, but I must say that throws a whole new complexion on the matter! :(

Without judging, I am not sure I could stay long in a relationship wherein my partner stated point-blank that they were not in love with me. Clearly, romantic attraction/love is still strong from your side, however I am wondering what reason your partner gives for staying in this relationship with you since he says he's no longer feels the same way(?)

I understand you have a long history with each other, and kids into the bargain, so do you think feelings of familial love and loyalty, wanting to do right by his children, and issues of joint finances are what is keep him with you/in the family home?

You also state that your partner's NRE for his other partner (your meta) is strong right now, yet you also state that he told you he isn't "in" love with her either (not in love with anyone right now). I get that NRE on its own may simply translate to infatuation + new/wild sexual attraction. However in the case of your partner and his meta, this is not a new relationship - they've known each other for a long time and have "dated on and off" - so there must be some level of familiarity, love and trust there. Therefore, I am not sure where that line is in this case, or how he or y'all differentiate the NRE they are experiencing from feelings of falling or being in love.

Another (rhetorical) question for you, kvb: WHY is it that your partner has fallen out of love with you, in your opinion? You do not have to answer in this forum, but I pose this question as food for thought?

- It is simply a case of boredom, mid-life crisis, familiarity breeding contempt on his past?
- Is it due to the past struggles and difficulties you alluded to earlier, that put an undue strain on your relationship? (the death of your brother, financial problems etc.)
- Or, are there behaviours you do or did in the past that breached trust or boundaries in your relationship with your partner (an affair or gambling addiction for example) or issues that are yours alone, that caused an emotional rift between you (mental illness, addiction issues on your part, for example)?

Regardless of the answers to ANY of the above, I believe you and your partner could benefit from relationship counselling, preferably couples counselling with someone who understands or specialises in Poly relationships. That is where I am right now (about to attend my first session in a few days).

Additionally, I would recommend ANY or ALL of the following, for yourself:

- Relaxation techniques (meditation, yoga, gentle exercise, natural sleep aids, soothing music at bedtime etc.)
- Grief counselling
- Individual therapy focussing on combatting anxiety
- Medication or other inventions to alleviate anxiety and assist with sleep.

^ If you have tried any of the above suggestions already, or are currently considering or using them, then just ignore this advice. I put it here only as food for thought.

However, I truly believe you should seek some form of professional therapy, preferably with the involvement of your partner IF you BOTH really want to continue in the relationship.

It is possible to grieve/mourn losses other than death. Many people grieve their marriage after divorce, for example. However, in my opinion it IS possible to grieve the loss of people from our lives in other ways, even if they are alive and well, and especially if you are not someone who adapts easily to change. (For example, many people are negatively affected by changes that occur with the "empty nest syndrome", or when an elderly parent regresses because of dementia.)

Here, you are mourning the loss of your romantic relationship. And it's confusing, because for whatever reason he hasn't left you. To any outsider he is still "your" partner - but not only do you have to share him with another, sexually and time-wise and bear witness to their joy and NRE, you also have to deal with the fact that he is withholding that same joy and love FROM you. That is some major cognitive dissonance there.

It's judgmental and shitty I admit, but it kind of bothers me that she knows we have a family etc., but the strain the relationship causes on us/me, doesn't seem to bother her.

I have to remember not only is this not her responsibility but that I also know she doesn't really know much good about me.
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I wouldn't say your feelings themselves are shitty or judgemental, and I do not know this woman or the full circumstances obviously... however you are right that your feelings and the pain you're experiencing are not HER responsibility.

For all you know, she may empathise to some degree, but she is unlikely to risk her own happiness and a relationship that is working for her purely for your sake. That is just human nature. Also, the fact that your partner is no longer in love with you, and feels the need for additional lovers no matter who they may be, is out of this woman's control.


He seems to only share the shit, and maybe that is because he wants/needs someone to talk to, but I can't imagine it doesn't color her opinion of me and my relationship with him.
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I agree with the other poster who said your partner should NOT be discussing all the "dirt" from one relationship with the other, regardless of what your agreements are. However, once again, I believe it is only human nature to "vent" when extremely stressed, and unrealistic to expect a partner not to share a single thing that goes on in your relationship with his gf. If this is an ongoing problem, you should attempt to have this discussion again and tighten boundaries; demanding that he quit painting you as a demon and that, if he needs to unburden or vent about your relationship problems, he do so to his best friend, or in a therapist's office - possibly even seek therapy as a couple, as I mentioned before.


You are also right that when we started this, I agreed because logically I understood it, and of course when you love someone, you want them to be happy.
At the same time I wanted to challenge myself because I honestly don't know if I have been monogamous most of my life because it is what I believe or what I have been "conditioned" to believe and I don't like that. If this doesn't work for me, I want it to be because I have decided it doesn't work for me, not because the majority of society says it shouldn't work.
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While your aims were understandable, even commendable, do you think it's possible you might have almost "cut off your nose to spite your face" by making a decision pertaining to a highly emotional issue (the health of your romantic relationship) from a logical-experimental paradigm(?) :eek: :confused:

You say you knew you'd struggle, so perhaps part of your distress right now is that you're angry at yourself, as your well-intentioned experiment appears to have backfired. Sometimes we find it hardest to forgive ourselves. I know that on my own poly journey, I've made some grave errors in judgement and have agreed to things I'm not 100% comfortable with, because I wanted to make others happy and/or because I was subtly pressured by others. In these instances, I want to kick myself for being a soft touch/not sticking to my guns.


I know he is trying. He has sent me at least three text messages since he left and called today see if I was okay. I keep trying to tell myself that things of this magnitude, especially when trying to rewire a part of your brain after 40 plus years is going to take time. That of course, doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better right now.
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If nothing else, I can totally empathise with this part. I have struggled A LOT with the nature of polyamory since I began my journey (unintentionally, I might add). I have struggled with the notion of sharing a loved one (not being the "one and only" person my partner cares for emotionally); with "allowing" someone I love to share themselves intimately with another; with the fair division of time and emotional resources on my part; and with my "identity" as a whole since I don't consider myself a "poly person" yet I have two partners.

I also (as I mentioned earlier) have a really hard time when he comes home. My instinct is to be standoffish and petty, though I know that is what I am doing, where it comes from and I try really hard NOT to be that way. But I don't know how to embrace him knowing where he has been for days. I get pretty emotional about it. I cried for quite some time last time he came home.
Of course this not the way I WANT things to be, but I don't know how to celebrate him/love him in that moment.
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I have no great advice for you here. Except to say that "I hear ya, sista". I have experienced these exact feelings, and tend to react in a very similar way, though my circumstances are different.

Once again, I urge you to seek relationship counselling - specifically poly-friendly counselling - and am heartened to see you are seeking out a therapist.
 
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kvb -

In regards to your meta's husband: I can't see any reason you shouldn't attempt to meet with him, or at least contact him via text, email or phone, except for the fact that you say you've yet to even meet his wife/your meta (!?)

While I know it's not all that unusual in poly circles to keep the relationships completely separate, I do believe that at least meeting your SO's OSO would be a first step towards conquering that "fear of the unknown". If you meet, you may begin to see her as an ordinary, fallible, yet nevertheless sweet/kind/interesting person in her own right, and consequently the fear may lessen.

I think it may be necessary and even wise, to set up a casual meeting between all four of you in neutral territory, just to clock each other face to face, introduce yourselves, exchange any relevant information and just try to relax into the idea of a multi-partner scenario. From there, it should be possible to arrange a meeting or some form of correspondence with your meta's husband - with the full knowledge of all parties - in which you can ask him HOW he deals with the situation, and perhaps gain some insight and tips for coping.

I wish you the best of luck going forward.
 
Thanks again lunabunny, in response to your question about being "in love" with me, I don't know that is actually what is going on. From what he has told me, it really sounds like he is questioning what love is to him and for that reason, he is hesitant to say he is "in love" with anyone. The following is a quote from an email he he sent me in response to my asking questions and giving him a list of things I need to feel more secure when he is gone/comes home from seeing his OSO.

"Part of me is unsure if I've ever been in love – but the first thing that comes to mind is when our love was blossoming. There's never been anything like that. I hope that's worth something to you, because it means a ton to me."

He tells me he loves me all the time and is as affectionate and attentive as I think he is capable of right now. So, I think this is mid life crisis questioning more than anything else if that makes sense?

I think the reason the NRE has lasted so long between him and his OSO is because they haven't had to deal with any real-life hardships together. There has been no loss, no heartbreak...no figuring out parenting or financial issues. I can totally see how I could stay over the moon bat shit bananas about him if all we ever did was make love and have a good time.

I/we are definitely looking into therapy, and we have done it before both together and individually. It has always seemed to help. I went to grief counseling for over a year after the death of my brother. That was something I knew I wasn't going to get thru on my own, no matter how great my support system and this is too.

We have talked several times about the sharing. I agree with you that is is unrealistic to expect him to share NOTHING, but boundaries definitely need to be redefined and respected here. When he was talking to her about things I wish he hadn't we were in a pretty shitty place and I think he just wasn't thinking about how it would affect me/us going forward. I don't think my wishes/boundaries were the hugest priority at that time. Which is something else we need to talk about again.

I think you are right about being mad at/forgiving myself. I posted earlier that one of my greatest fears is that the person I want to be and the person I AM are never going to be the same thing. I have always had a hard time forgiving myself and that is definitely part of it as well.

The me I want be wants my partner to be happy and wishes we could all be friends. The me I want to be wants to not feel intimidated/threatened by someone else and wants to believe that despite our ups and downs like my partner keeps telling me, no one can take away the time we have clocked together and no one else will ever have it either.

It's comforting to know I am not alone, especially since we moved fairly recently and are now in a town of less than a thousand people....we love the quiet and the country but it's easy to feel alone and isolated as well.

He comes home today sometime and I have no idea what to do when he gets here. Our child will be over the moon and I will probably be a mess. Which is frustrating. I don't want to be a mess. I want to welcome him home, but I will probably sit on our back deck and cry.

Ugh. So. Frustrating.

I think the reason I haven't met either of them yet is because when I tried to engage her a few years ago, it didn't work out and I never heard from her again.
I have met the husband once very briefly when my partner and I were shopping at a store he works at. I also think, and I hate to admit this, that if I meet/get to know her specifically that I WON'T see her as a fallible flawed human being, but I will see everything I am not and that it might make me question why he is with me or what he loves about me at all.

I'm terrified that if I meet her, it will somehow become more real and I will have a harder time compartmentalizing when he is with her, which is the only thing keeping me sane right now. Again, not the person I want to be...
 
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