How do you know if it's right?

[fauna]

I am in a Poly V relationship, and I only get shared time but not shared sex, for various reasons that I knew about in advance, so that means very limited time for just him and me. I sleepover at their place on the weekends and am given time then but there likely will never be an abundance of time with just him and me. We recently had a talk where he expressed his concern that we may never be or are a very long way from being able to have dedicated night/s of just him and me, and he is concerned that he will not be able to meet my needs. That even if we can manage to make this work long term, that he is hurting me by not meeting my needs of time.

How do I know what is right or when to pull the plug? Reality is that I am a single mom of teenagers and he is married with a young son, we have chosen to be "closeted", so our circle of people who are fully aware of our situation is just the 3 of us. She is my best friend and I love him so much. When we are together, most times, is great, with lots of laughs and great time spent together in various ways. Our time would likely be limited for many years to come because of kids and careers. I work hard to manage my expectations, I am a romantic soul that doesn't always fit, at the best of times, into many relationships. I know our feelings are special and no decisions need to be made now but I worry, I guess we both worry, that long term it won't be "enough". I would never think of our time as wasted but I don't want to become resentful either.

Am I crazy or overthinking all this?

 

[GalaGirl]

No, I do not think you are crazy. It's a just fact of life -- raising kids takes up time, energy, and effort. Bringing up a kid is a long term project measured in years.

he is concerned that he will not be able to meet my needs. That even if we can manage to make this work long term, that he is hurting me by not meeting my needs of time.

Does he need reassuring that you choose to be here? And that you will speak up if something bothers you?

I guess we both worry, that long term it won't be "enough". I would never think of our time as wasted but I don't want to become resentful either.

Is it enough for now? If so, be ok with it for now and be ok re-evaluating later on as the kid load lightens up.

If it is not enough... either of you can speak up, ask for changes, or end the relationship. Neither is trapped here.

People become resentful when they accept things they do not want or they do things they don't really want to do. Don't do that, and you won't grow resentments.

Galagirl

 

[fauna]

Thank you. I tend to think too much. Re-evaluating what may need to change in the future is always an option. No one is trapped. It works for now and hopefully in the future, things can be re-aligned. If not, then moving on is another option to choose. I am not without choice. After spending 20 years with someone who could careless what my needs are, being with someone who cares enough to ask the tough questions and cares about what I need, is refreshing and frankly, overwhelming sometimes.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi fauna,

So, I'm not sure if I understand exactly, but, it sounds like you do get some privacy for sex with him (the husband), but little to no privacy for just hanging out with him? and perhaps not a lot of time with him in general?

It sounds like perhaps the main obstacle right now is the kids; not that the kids are bad, but, that it takes a lot of time to take care of the kids. So, maybe when the kids are grown and moved out, you'll have more time with him? Are you okay with waiting until then? even if it can't be guaranteed you'll have more time with him at that point?

You're general description of the V is that it's very positive and wholesome; so, I would be reluctant to give it up if I were you. If you can stand the wait, I would say do it.

Just my 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[fauna]

You are understanding the relationship correctly. The obstacle is time and I think we are both worried that we are a long way or perhaps never going to have a great deal of time just for us. On the whole it is a very positive relationship. I appreciate the support. We have made mistakes in this relationship in the past and are working hard to make sure it doesn't happen again. Thank you.

 

[AJM]

You have to negotiate for what you want. If you don't get more time you may need to make some hard choices