UnicornHunted
New member
How important is it, to you personally, to believe that your partner holds the space of "best, first, and most" for you? If it's very important, do you believe this where your relationship security comes from?
How is *your* need for security met?
- Thread starter UnicornHunted
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I wouldn't choose those words necessarily, but since I do do hierarchical poly, I'll answer with something that might fit your question.
I've never actually needed to know that I'm "first" (it's uncomfortable typing that, tbh, even in hierarchy I don't like the imagery of a winners podium or lining up or any other form of ranking). My husband and I chose to get married for a few reasons, but to me it's more about being a nesting partner. He's only really my third one, and the only one where I've felt truly equal (in other relationships I've moved into - and out of - *their* houses).
Maybe it's not important to me to be [your adverbs] because I've never doubted that I am. I have zero fear of "losing" Adam to another (although I'm terrified of a untimely death), because we reiterate to each other quite frequently that we're looking forward to growing and being old together. That's not a sentiment I've shared with past partners.
I have talked about longevity of friendship with my friends though. To me, it's that kind of thinking that means I don't feel a friend has drifted out of my life even if we haven't spoken in ages. The intention has been set, and nurtured, that our connections will last a lifetime.
My bff and I have joked for years about being like the Golden Girls if we are single at retirement age. It'd probably never happen as we keep house extremely differently lol, but it's symbolic.
The conversations are different with my sexually intimate friends, but generally express intent of longevity.
This is what makes me secure in any type of relationship.
Please note, I do not seek this out in all friendships or relationships I have, some are knowingly more temporary, some turn out more temporary, but this question isn't about those ones.
I've never actually needed to know that I'm "first" (it's uncomfortable typing that, tbh, even in hierarchy I don't like the imagery of a winners podium or lining up or any other form of ranking). My husband and I chose to get married for a few reasons, but to me it's more about being a nesting partner. He's only really my third one, and the only one where I've felt truly equal (in other relationships I've moved into - and out of - *their* houses).
Maybe it's not important to me to be [your adverbs] because I've never doubted that I am. I have zero fear of "losing" Adam to another (although I'm terrified of a untimely death), because we reiterate to each other quite frequently that we're looking forward to growing and being old together. That's not a sentiment I've shared with past partners.
I have talked about longevity of friendship with my friends though. To me, it's that kind of thinking that means I don't feel a friend has drifted out of my life even if we haven't spoken in ages. The intention has been set, and nurtured, that our connections will last a lifetime.
My bff and I have joked for years about being like the Golden Girls if we are single at retirement age. It'd probably never happen as we keep house extremely differently lol, but it's symbolic.
The conversations are different with my sexually intimate friends, but generally express intent of longevity.
This is what makes me secure in any type of relationship.
Please note, I do not seek this out in all friendships or relationships I have, some are knowingly more temporary, some turn out more temporary, but this question isn't about those ones.
SlowPoly
Active member
I don't offer "best, first, and most" ranking to either of my partners (or anyone else in my family), so I don't expect my partners to hold a space like that for me.
As long as they hold up their respective ends of the co-parenting sticks (to use Galagirl's metaphor), it doesn't matter where I fall in a ranking of their relationships. I'm confident they won't shirk parenting duties, or otherwise cause drama (partner selection). I'm okay if the nature of a relationship changes over time.
It depends. Occasionally, I want to best, first, and most. I can be quite competitive. Most of the time, no. There are a number of things I am not best, first or the most at, nor do I wish to be, and I am fine with that. It is certainly nice to treated as someone special from time to time by your partner.
An example would be, partner takes a cruise or goes skiing with a different partner, I have no interest or desire to do those things, partner takes my idea for a trip and does it with someone else first...then not happy.
Is there something specific that drives you to ask?
An example would be, partner takes a cruise or goes skiing with a different partner, I have no interest or desire to do those things, partner takes my idea for a trip and does it with someone else first...then not happy.
Is there something specific that drives you to ask?
It's pretty important to me, to be honest - though I'd probably term it special/only, rather than "first, best, most" which implies competition with others or superiority of some description.
Then again, I've only been involved in one, fully-realised polyamorous relationship - a Vee, in which I am the hinge and both partners are mostly monogamous with me (monogamish). Occasionally, they will "play" together if I am involved, but that is rare.
We are also LD, and all of us have chosen to be essentially celibate when we can't be together in person.
I was non-monogamous for brief periods in my late teens/early 20s (not poly though) but I was at a totally different stage of life back then and had no clue about poly.
Then again, I've only been involved in one, fully-realised polyamorous relationship - a Vee, in which I am the hinge and both partners are mostly monogamous with me (monogamish). Occasionally, they will "play" together if I am involved, but that is rare.
We are also LD, and all of us have chosen to be essentially celibate when we can't be together in person.
I was non-monogamous for brief periods in my late teens/early 20s (not poly though) but I was at a totally different stage of life back then and had no clue about poly.
I have to admit that sometimes I do want to be "best" or "first" in my partners' lives. This has absolutely everything to do with my own PTSD and mental health issues, which cause me to constantly believe I'm not enough and to fear abandonment. The emotionally wounded parts of my brain are convinced that I won't be afraid my partners will leave me for not being good enough if said partners consider me the "most special" one in their lives.
Intellectually, I know that's bullshit. Intellectually, and in large part emotionally, I don't want to be put ahead of anyone else, so I have no desire to be "best, first, most." That would mean that someone else is "worst, last, least," and I know how it feels to be that, or at least to feel like I'm that, so I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Also intellectually, I am well aware that my insecurities and fears are symptoms of an illness, and those symptoms flare up when and how they will, so there really isn't anything anyone can do to prevent them. The best I can do is *manage* the insecurities and fears, with help from my partners at times, so those symptoms don't impact me as much or for as long as they would if I didn't try to manage them.
In my relationships, there are certain things I have with each partner that neither they nor I have with anyone else. The ones who have partners in addition to me also have things with *those* partners that they don't have with anyone else. So it isn't about being "best, first, most" but about being individuals who have special, exclusive things between them. (For example, I have a scheduled Tuesday night date night with one of my partners. Neither he nor I ever see anyone else on Tuesday nights; the only time we miss a Tuesday is if one of us is away. So I am the only one who gets his Tuesday nights, and he's the only one who gets mine. But I believe he also has a regular date night with at least one of his other partners; it just isn't Tuesday.)
With Hubby, it's different, because he's monogamous, and doesn't even really have any friends except online. So I actually am his "best, first, most"... because I'm his *only*.
Intellectually, I know that's bullshit. Intellectually, and in large part emotionally, I don't want to be put ahead of anyone else, so I have no desire to be "best, first, most." That would mean that someone else is "worst, last, least," and I know how it feels to be that, or at least to feel like I'm that, so I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Also intellectually, I am well aware that my insecurities and fears are symptoms of an illness, and those symptoms flare up when and how they will, so there really isn't anything anyone can do to prevent them. The best I can do is *manage* the insecurities and fears, with help from my partners at times, so those symptoms don't impact me as much or for as long as they would if I didn't try to manage them.
In my relationships, there are certain things I have with each partner that neither they nor I have with anyone else. The ones who have partners in addition to me also have things with *those* partners that they don't have with anyone else. So it isn't about being "best, first, most" but about being individuals who have special, exclusive things between them. (For example, I have a scheduled Tuesday night date night with one of my partners. Neither he nor I ever see anyone else on Tuesday nights; the only time we miss a Tuesday is if one of us is away. So I am the only one who gets his Tuesday nights, and he's the only one who gets mine. But I believe he also has a regular date night with at least one of his other partners; it just isn't Tuesday.)
With Hubby, it's different, because he's monogamous, and doesn't even really have any friends except online. So I actually am his "best, first, most"... because I'm his *only*.
Hello UnicornHunted,
I don't need to be "best, first, most," I don't even *want* to be "best, first, most." I just need to know that my partner will continue to be there for me as the years go by, being as nice to me as she is now. Consistency, I guess, is where my relationship security comes from.
Can I ask, do you feel that your relationship needs are being met right now? If not, is there something we fellow forum members can do to help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I don't need to be "best, first, most," I don't even *want* to be "best, first, most." I just need to know that my partner will continue to be there for me as the years go by, being as nice to me as she is now. Consistency, I guess, is where my relationship security comes from.
Can I ask, do you feel that your relationship needs are being met right now? If not, is there something we fellow forum members can do to help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
vinsanity0
Active member
I don't need to be any of those things. What I need is to know I am important/not taken for granted. But I've also had many different levels of relationships at one time. From my wife and nesting partner I only needed to know that we would stay that way.
UnicornHunted
New member
I'm newish to poly (a few years in) and only know other poly couples that practice hierarchical poly. I'm trying to get a sense of how other poly people deal with their insecurities.
I personally don't have any need to feel best/most/only, but my poly meta is still struggling with these concepts. I'm hoping to brainstorm ways in which security in a relationship can be "felt" without an arbitrary insistence on best/most/only. Basically, how others take the focus off "what the Joneses have" and instead turn their focus toward "what we have".
I personally don't have any need to feel best/most/only, but my poly meta is still struggling with these concepts. I'm hoping to brainstorm ways in which security in a relationship can be "felt" without an arbitrary insistence on best/most/only. Basically, how others take the focus off "what the Joneses have" and instead turn their focus toward "what we have".
Ravenscroft
Banned
My insecurities are mine. It's first up to me to recognize them, & to own them.
After that, it's up to me to ask others in my life for assistance, & to do so promptly & clearly & calmly. I have the right to ask for accommodation of my feelings, & for help in exploring them & maybe changing them into something I like better.
After that, it's up to me to ask others in my life for assistance, & to do so promptly & clearly & calmly. I have the right to ask for accommodation of my feelings, & for help in exploring them & maybe changing them into something I like better.
I consider it to be an entirely different question when asking how to support a meta dealing with these issues. I don't really think you can. If she wants to best first/most/best and is in a hierarchical relationship then that relationship structure probably supports her desires. I foresee temper tantrums, meltdowns, call and texts during "your" time, battles over who gets what restaurant and which vacations.
Have a look at solopoly.net. Somewhere on there Aggie posts the Secondaries Bills of Rights.
Have a look at solopoly.net. Somewhere on there Aggie posts the Secondaries Bills of Rights.
UnicornHunted
New member
That's refreshingly honest of you to admit. Thank you for that.
majormerrick
New member
To cope with insecurity, I focus on the idea that none of us is truly the "best, first, most, only" or whatever to anybody else. We have unique relationships, and some relationships naturally have a slight priority over others, but we try to mend fences if that happens. With Ares, I have a friendship that has continued for the majority of our lives. That friendship has survived moving from state to state, his first marriage and divorce, and my inability to settle down. With Renarde and Corsac, we were a triad before we joined our other three, and so we share those times and a good bond there.
Obviously, I have insecure moments like everyone else. Pregnancy hormone changes don't help. I worry about abandonment, especially by my GFs, but physical contact tends to resolve those temporary worries. Renarde is especially sensitive to those feelings, and tends to curl up with me automatically if I'm feeling that way. I know she's had abandonment worries since I got pregnant, thinking that Ares is now #1 in my life. Since she is very physical, I never say no to her or fail to make time for her when she wants to kiss, cuddle, or have sex. If I'm working or on my phone/laptop, I put those things away whenever I can tell that someone wants to interact with me. I want to make them feel valued and I appreciate the same gesture.
Obviously, I have insecure moments like everyone else. Pregnancy hormone changes don't help. I worry about abandonment, especially by my GFs, but physical contact tends to resolve those temporary worries. Renarde is especially sensitive to those feelings, and tends to curl up with me automatically if I'm feeling that way. I know she's had abandonment worries since I got pregnant, thinking that Ares is now #1 in my life. Since she is very physical, I never say no to her or fail to make time for her when she wants to kiss, cuddle, or have sex. If I'm working or on my phone/laptop, I put those things away whenever I can tell that someone wants to interact with me. I want to make them feel valued and I appreciate the same gesture.