How long does the newness take to wear off?

[New2polydude]

I am still on the outside, looking in, but more and more interested. I have a close male friend who started cheating on his wife. He only saw his lover once a week - the secrecy of the meeting made the relationship (temporarily) more exciting. After a few months, he left his wife and moved in with his lover. About 5 weeks later they broke up. He said there was no longer much interest in the relationship when it was open and common. Practically speaking, how does this fit in with a poly couple, each actively involved with someone else? How can you avoid this? or do you try to?

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, first of all, that was cheating, not polyamory, so it's kind of off topic.

I am still on the outside, looking in, but more and more interested. I have a close male friend who started cheating on his wife. He only saw his lover once a week - the secrecy of the meeting made the relationship (temporarily) more exciting. After a few months, he left his wife and moved in with his lover. About 5 weeks later they broke up. He said there was no longer much interest in the relationship when it was open and common.

It is generally not recommended to move in with a new partner before at least a year of regular, in-person dating. Going from sneaking around and cheating to living fully together is not the way to go.

In actual polyamory, if you're coupled, your established partner agrees to you seeking others, getting crushes, dating others, etc. You have the time and freedom to get past the infatuation stage and make sure your dating partner is actually long-term compatible with you, before committing to cohabitating (If you do decide to cohabit. Good chance is, you won't.)

Practically speaking, how does this fit in with a poly couple, each actively involved with someone else? How can you avoid this? or do you try to?

We poly folk aren't immune to new relationships fizzling. That's what dating is for, to really get to know someone. The hot sexual feelings at first can feel like love; the newness has its charm. It can, and often does, feel like an obsession or an addiction, because the hormones stirred up connect to the same places in your brain that heroin does. It feels so good. But it often fades, when the rose-colored glasses come off.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello New2polydude,

We have something in poly called NRE -- New Relationship Energy. It wears off after a while, but how long that takes varies greatly. I have heard estimates, from various people's personal experience, of as little as three months and as much as three years. In your friend's situation, I think the excitement that fueled his short-lived relationship came out of the secrecy, and knowing he could get caught. Once that excitement was removed, the NRE he and his lover had experienced fell flat. Polyamory may not be his thing, maybe cheating is what floats his boat. I don't know, I don't know him that well. But from your description, he didn't care for living honestly and openly with his lover.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

I am still on the outside, looking in, but more and more interested. I have a close male friend who started cheating on his wife. He only saw his lover once a week - the secrecy of the meeting made the relationship (temporarily) more exciting. After a few months, he left his wife and moved in with his lover. About 5 weeks later they broke up. He said there was no longer much interest in the relationship when it was open and common. Practically speaking, how does this fit in with a poly couple, each actively involved with someone else? How can you avoid this? or do you try to?

Yes we do try to avoid cheating and rush breakups.
1) yes, non live-in relationships are often more sexually vibrant (even when mono); for some people, living together makes attraction harder to maintain. So that's one intersection.
2) people inclined to poly are perhaps less turned on by the secrecy/forbidden fruit aspect, or at least choose to forego it because they value honesty. So that's a difference.
3) being poly often means as serious a commitment to one's partner(s) as in monogamy. Poly people go into new relationships with the understanding that the new and shiny is not forever and not worth breaking their existing relationships for. They do their best not to neglect their current partner while enjoying new love. So, unlike your scenario, they don't rush into breakups...