How much direct contact with metamours?

M

MsEmotional

Member
What have you found to be an appropriate and comfortable level of direct communication between metamours?

Although I am asking the question in a general sense in order to solicit a variety of experiences, I will provide a few more details about specifically why this question is on my mind.

About a week ago Whiskers and I had an at-home date — meaning that we were on duty with his kids while we hung out together. Technically speaking it was Curlycue and Kitchenbear’s date night but Whiskers and I had had scheduling issues that meant we were not going to get a chance to see each other for a long time and so we had squeezed in an evening together when he would be at home.

Small children being what they are, it was a nice evening but we got very little alone time. So when Curlycue and Kitchenbear got back, Whiskers asked whether it would be OK for them to take a turn with the baby monitor so that he and I could have sex.

Even though I was in the room during this discussion, I didn’t participate in it. It was weird to have him negotiating with his fellow coparents for sex time with me while I was sitting there in the room, but I thought it would be weirder if I chimed in with my own two cents. (“Pretty please can I go fuck him? It’s getting late and we just need 20 min to screw....”)

I would say that I am friendly with Kitchenbear and Curlycue, but it’s not like we talk much beyond pleasantries. So I left it to them to discuss and just tried to stay out of the discussion. When it was determined that, yes, Kitchenbear and Curlycue could end their date night a little early and be on kid duty, I awkwardly said a cheery, “Thank you!” as we left the room.

A few days later, I am still wondering if I did the right thing — if I should have expressed more of a thank-you to them. I even thought today about writing Curlycue an email or if it would be weird....like I’m saying “Thanks for letting me fuck your husband!” While I do appreciate that they took over with the kids so that Whiskers and I could have sex — especially since it will be a month before Whiskers and I see each other again — it *was* Curlycue’s datenight with Kitchenbear and I don’t know them well enough to know whether they were miffed at being asked to be on kid duty when it wasn’t their night for it.

That’s my own aside, but the main idea of this post is that I am curious about how others interact with their metamours. Do you talk to them directly about scheduling, boundaries, etc? Do you swap stories/complaints about your shared hinge? Do you maintain the polite fiction that you are all just friends and ignore the fact that you are both partnered to the same person?

I feel like I am generally in the last category with my Metamour relations....I treat myself as a dinner guest when I am in their house and pretty much never openly discuss the fact that Whiskers and I are dating — that is, until he tells his wife he would like to go have sex with me and would it be okay for her to take point with the kids? :eek:
 
I think it depends on the metamore and how well we click.... and on the hinge. I really wanted to be KTP in the beginning. That worked with exactly two metamores, lol. Now, with Blue, I prefer parallel poly. He has no desire to meet anyone I date so it works for us.

I'd be careful with swapping stories or complaints, especially. That can lead to triangulation which doesn't usually end well in my experience.

As for your interaction, I think your response was fine.
 
I avoid talking about the hinge with the metas. To me that is just tacky. I think you handled it just right letting Whiskers be the hinge. I wouldn't go any farther than that, but that's just me. It sounds like they have a poly household and may be perfectly find with such interaction.
 
I allow the level of closeness and conversation with a meta to depend on how my relationship with that meta is developing. With a meta that I rarely interact with, I act just like I would with any other near stranger, I keep to polite pleasantries and such. Now, I won't pretend we're not dating the same person, so I might mention a date to some restaurant, or whatever, but I'm not going to assume that because we're metas that we should just talk about screwing the same person.

I will say that it feels WEIRD to have a partner have a conversation with metas in front of me when it feels like it should be a private convo. I have a partner that I've had to talk about this to MULTIPLE times because everyone in his household is very non-filtered and they're totally ok with talking about all the things in front of people, and especially "family" (like polycule-sense family), but for me, I'm a more private person. So if they're arguing about something, I don't wanna be standing there and feel like I'm in the middle. If partner wants to have a convo about a boundary or something with a meta, I don't wanna be standing there all awkwardly. To me, it's not that hard to just say "hey, can we step into the other room and talk for a minute?" It just feels like a common courtesy. But for some, they see it as "eh, we're all family, so I don't mind if you hear this." And it doesn't occur to them to think... well what if *I* mind?
 
I think on some level having kids in the mix, and someone having responsibility for them, WILDLY changes the appropriate conversations. I've *only* ever had conversations with metas alluding to the scheduling of sex with our mutual partner in a context involving childcare of either my kid, their kid, or both.

On some significant level, if my partner had asked me to "tag in" in a similar circumstance so that he could spend time with a meta of mine who I wasn't close to, I'd be doing the favor *for him*, not for the meta in question so I wouldn't expect anything more than the type of casual thanks you already gave. An email or whatnot would feel... awkward, in the same way that metas trying to ask permission or schedule evenings with me instead of him does. So there's that.

Joan and I talk a lot more about Knight than we did before she moved in, now, but I think that's inevitable. ArtistWife and I mostly don't talk, so the subject of Artist doesn't really come up - we're very much in the category of treating each other like casual acquaintances when we do interact.

And yeah, someone having a boundary conversation or argument in front of me would make me want to fall through the floor...
 
MsEmotional said:
What have you found to be an appropriate and comfortable level of direct communication between metamours?
Click to expand...
I find it interesting that the question of metamour interaction is sort of embedded in the word itself ( have you met your amour? ). In this case the "amour" would be your meta-amour, your ( additional love ). Is it really that sort of relationship? Or is it something else? Either way, something to consider that might help is that this metamour is your metamour. Take ownership of that relationship and apply the same principles to it as you would expect from any "amour". Many of the answers will likely then attend to themselves.
 
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You're overthinking. Don't email her! God, no. It's over and done with.
 
Hi MsE,

I've only ever had as many as one metamour, he and I are (platonic) friends although I would say some aspects of our friendship are casual. We occasionally swap stories about Snowbunny (our shared hinge), while swapping complaints is "allowed" but seldom done. Most of the time we maintain the polite fiction that we're "just friends" but again, talking about our poly relationship is not off-limits. We don't usually discuss scheduling and boundaries with each other, Snowbunny is the middleman and in charge of those things.

As for your metamour relations, I think the way you handled Whisker's convo with Curlycue and Kitchenbear was perfectly fine and appropriate, an email is not necessary.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
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