How much do you share with other people outside of the relationship?

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onequarter

New member
My boyfriend and I (I'm female) are exploring poly, and we've made a mutual female friend. We all like each other very much and are considering a threesome at some vague point in the future. This lady and I have had several ongoing intimate conversations about sex, polyamory, and BDSM. However, my boyfriend told our friend something that I have not shared with her, that I do not orgasm frequently, and he asked for her suggestions to get me off more. We are having a disagreement about this and I thought I should reach out to the experts.

I grew up in a very conservative religious house/atmosphere. My boyfriend feels that I am very sex-negative. He feels it was appropriate for him to share this information, because he was looking for feedback and ways to help our sex life improve, and that it is fair for him to go to outside sources, because I don't criticize him, or give him suggestions for improvement. He feels that asking him not to discuss the less-than-ideal parts of our sex life is selfishly imposing my sex-negative values on him.

We had a disagreement in the past because, at the time, this lady hadn't been introduced to me, and my boyfriend told her what type of contraceptive I use, as she was considering using the same type and he wanted me to help her weigh her options. He felt it was selfish of me to not want to offer my experience. I felt that my reproductive choices were not information he should be sharing with strangers.

I do not like the fact that I do not orgasm as much as my partners would like me to, because it causes a lot of stress and mutual feelings of inadequacy. As such, I don't want to share this information with people who don't need to know it. I would have told our friend about this particular issue if/when we had definitely decided to be sexual partners. But I feel that my boyfriend violated my trust by sharing this information with someone outside of our sexual relationship.

So, when you're navigating polyamory, or potential poly, how do you decide what information gets shared by whom? What do you do if two people have different ideas of an appropriate timeline for sharing information with new partners?
 
onequarter said:
I grew up in a very conservative religious house/atmosphere, and my boyfriend feels that I am very sex-negative.
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What specifically does he say you are sex-negative about? Just because you grew up in a conservative, religious household doesn't mean you'd be sex-negative.

onequarter said:
He feels it was appropriate for him to share this information, because he was looking for feedback and ways to help our sex life improve, and that it is fair for him to go to outside sources because I don't criticize him, or give him suggestions for improvement. He feels that asking him not to discuss the less-than-ideal parts of our sex life is selfishly imposing my sex-negative values on him.
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That's total bullshit. Sorry, but he owes you an apology big time, I think. Your private life has nothing to do with her and it is not his story to tell. If he has issues with your sex life, that is between you and him, and has nothing to do with sex-negativity. Fuck, I hate how people throw that shit around. Seriously. Sex negativity is about not agreeing that peoples bodies are their own and what they do with them is their decision. He seems to think that gives him a right to abuse your trust in him by telling whomever he chooses about your sexuality.

Sex positivity is not about abusing people's right to privacy, or to be told what path they should take. Sex positivity is about making your own choices about your sex life, to have as much privacy as you you need and to be respected for who you are, wholistically, not just sexually. I think quite often that gets pushed aside, making women think that they need to "put out," be whatever their men want them to be, and to not listen to their bodies.

Nothing has changed, it seems. It's all bullshit, if you ask me. I await the next trend to see if it gets better, because we are still owned by men. Where there is sex-positive theory, there is now internet porn and what that does to self image. Apparently that is suppose to liberate us. Yeah... no!

Next he will be telling you that you need to trim your pussy lips because they are too big! :p

Yeah, I have some opinions about this. :D

If you ask me, he is the one that is sex negative, because he discussed your private information without running it by you first. It's about respect. He didn't respect you.
onequarter said:
We had a disagreement in the past because, at the time, this lady hadn't been introduced to me, and my boyfriend told her what type of contraceptive I use, as she was considering using the same type and he wanted me to help her weigh her options. He felt it was selfish of me to not want to offer my experience. I felt that my reproductive choices were not information he should be sharing with strangers.
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Again, not her business and not his info to share.

onequarter said:
I do not like the fact that I do not orgasm as much as my partners would like me to, because it causes a lot of stress and mutual feelings of inadequacy. As such, I don't want to share this information with people who don't need to know it. I would have told our friend about this particular issue if/when we had definitely decided to be sexual partners, but I feel that my boyfriend violated my trust by sharing this information with someone outside of our sexual relationship.
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No shit! You had every right to be concerned and feel offended. He broke trust.

onequarter said:
When you're navigating poly or potential poly, how do you decide what information gets shared by whom? What do you do if two people have different ideas of an appropriate timeline for sharing information with new partners?
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How much of your info to share is your choice. How much of his info to share is his choice. Everything else is up for discussion.

Poly is not about sex anyway, so I'm not even sure why it's so important, unless you are just fucking around and want casual sex. Still, this still applies.
 
OK, I definitely have to weigh in on this one. In my opinion, yes, he broke your trust. It is NOT okay to discuss another person's personal stuff with a stranger (or anyone) without their permission. It was not okay, and him trying to make it okay is bullshit. I won't even go into that more, because RP said it better and I'd just be saying a lot of "me too" on that.

Secondly, asking some random woman about orgasms has little or NOTHING to do with him being able to "help" you.

A little caveat here. I'm studying to be a counselor, specifically to become a sex therapist. It is my passion. I've spent five years educating myself as much as possible about issues that arise, and keep learning that there's so much more to learn I most likely will never be done.

That said, every single woman is going to be completely different with regards to how they orgasm. The basic principles might be the same, or at least similar, but because sex isn't an "Insert Tab A into Slot B, rub Button C" type of deal, each woman has her own, independent, completely different operating system. What makes her come might hurt for you, and vice versa, so asking her will help him not at all. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Orgasms, and sex in general, are a mix of physiological, psychological, and emotional factors, and life experiences, which is why women are so different. My physiology might work one way, yours another. If I have been sexually abused that will affect me. If I have an endocrine disorder (like thyroid) that will affect me, etc., ad infinitum.

Whether or not you were raised conservatively or liberally, MANY women don't get a lot of needed information about sex and go around thinking there is something wrong with them, for whatever reason. I have heard many MANY stories in this regard, where a woman had a sexual response to something that was completely normal, but had never heard of it before, because nobody she knew had talked about it, and so she thought she was defective. Ridiculous. But I won't go off on that tangent right now.

Now, if YOU want to do some exploration into your feelings about sex, and ideas, and how your body works, and maybe try some new things, there are many ways you can do that. A certified sex therapist would be great, but sometimes people aren't ready for that step, or it's cost prohibitive. There are many great books out there that can help you figure out what is going on inside your own head, and maybe give you some ideas on becoming more orgasmic. (I'm only suggesting this because it seems to bother YOU, not because *I* think you need to work on anything.)

Two books I recommend are:

The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass
This book explains a lot about physiological, psychological and emotional connections and leads you through a series of questionnaires to help you figure out exactly where the "hiccup" might be for YOU. She also gives ideas and exercises to help you move through those hiccups. It's a really great book, and helps a lot with sexual self-discovery.

The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling
This book goes deeply into attitudes about sex, inhibitions people can have, and how to work through them. It can be a bit much, suggesting that every good girl wants to be "bad" in regards to sex. But it also offers some really great exercises you can do on your own to work on things like building arousal, breathing patterns, different types of stimulation, etc.

If there aren't real physiological reasons for difficulty in orgasms (which there can be, like low hormonal levels, or less circulation of blood through the genitals, etc.), then people CAN retrain their bodies to respond to different types of stimulation. It's a matter of experimentation, trial and error, and getting comfortable with the idea. And it's usually best to do these experiments alone, without a partner first, so you can let loose a bit and not be under pressure to perform.

I'm sorry if this was way too long, or information you didn't want. (If so, please feel free to ignore, I won't mind at all.) I just felt the need to throw it out there, because I know that when I was younger I had some issues with orgasming that made me self-conscious, which made the issue worse and made me feel inadequate. I wasn't inadequate, but I was inadequately knowledgeable about myself. Learning this information and putting it into practice has been wonderful.
 
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