How "out" are you, and what are the pros/cons?

A

Aaron

New member
As a complete novice in this space, I'm mentally weighing pros and cons on how open to be and to who.

Coming to this later in life, I can't help but take stock of who has come out to me and when it became important for them to do so. Frankly, its rarely been brought up by people in my life, save expressed fantasies ("I wish <wife> wouldn't mind if I slept with <neighbor/coworker/her girlfriend/etc>"). There are four friends I can think of off the top of my head that were in some form of ENM, but in all cases it didn't come out easily; it wasn't something they seemed comfortable to share in the first place.

One stigma risk I haven't given a lot of thought to until now is the possibility adding "poly" late into a relationship could be seen as a sign something isn't working, or worse, that you're close to the end. I really hate this possibility of this, but I concede I've thought it myself many times over about others when looking from the other side. I definitely own that this was unfair on my part and why this can contribute strongly for a poly relationship to remain quiet about it.

So I'm curious on two things:

1) Who knows?
Parents? Best friends? Friends of friends? Coworkers? Everybody?

2) What has been the pros and cons of other people knowing? And has this generally been easier or harder since coming out to this level?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
 
Who knows?
Parents? Best friends? Friends of friends? Coworkers? Everybody?

Everybody important to our daily lives.

2) What has been the pros and cons of other people knowing? And has this generally been easier or harder since coming out to this level?

People tend to see your relationship as less real than monogamous relationships.
 
Hello Aaron,

I'd say two or three individuals, of our family/friends, know about our polycule (a V -- there are three of us in this polycule). Personally I would prefer to be out to all and sundry -- the most important reason being, that then we'd know who our true friends were. But my two poly companions (my partner and her husband) are worried about getting disowned and losing their jobs -- which are reasonable concerns. Maybe someday we'll be out. Of course, we have acquaintances that know. There was a poly group in Albuquerque and those people knew about us. Also the people in this forum obviously know.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
1. Who knows?
Everybody.

2) What has been the pros and cons of other people knowing? And has this generally been easier or harder since coming out to this level?
Much easier, as I don't want to restrict myself in behaviour and speech. And talking about it with all kinds of people and making them aware about polyamory gives me hope about poly legislation in the near future.
 
1. Who knows? for me, my closest family members; dad, a cousin, one Aunt and my best friend. People I confide in where hiding my relationships would be too much work. I need support from outside my polycule. For conversations with acquaintances I use “my partner” when talking about any of them and only clarify if I’ve told them enough to be confused by conflicting information.

Partner 1. Only one co worker,
Partner 2. Closest family; mom dad and brother,
Partner 3. Everyone.

all 3 are on dating apps so there’s a chance anyone could see them, knowing they are in a relationship with me.

2. Given my limited outing, the pros are being able to talk freely about My life and not have to hide anything. Another pro of keeping that circle small is not having to deal with backlash or having to educate people.

for me, I haven’t experienced cons of coming out to who I chose as I knew they would love and support me.

all of my partners know they may hear from someone they know that they saw me with another man and would have to deal with that as it happens. I do not avoid going out in public with my partners.
 
1. Who knows?

For us, this is based mostly on how close we are to them, but we don't "hide" it from anyone. We treat it like a lot of other relationship info: Not everyone is close enough to know that we just bought a new dishwasher or the number of pets we have, but as they get closer, they'll learn more. (That said, since we don't hide it, I'm sure there are people who we havn't told but have figured it out.) I think all the siblings know, but only the parents we're actually close to know. Friends all know. Some coworkers know, if we actually have personal conversations with them.

2. We're all queer, so I think the biggest cons are related to that. Other queer people will assume that being poly means it's like an orgy that they'll be invited to, straight people will assume that the relationship is less serious.
 
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