How to bring up a sensitive subject

D

Dskins

New member
I have been in a fmf triad for about over 1 1/2 years now. I enjoy their company and love them very much but I have been feeling like an outsider for some time now. My boyfriend and girlfriend were dating 14 years before getting involved with me. My boyfriend treats me as a primary, my girlfriend treats me as a secondary. I deal with a lot of jealousy from my girlfriend and majority of the time I feel tolerated.

I have been desiring another boyfriend for while sometimes now. I've wanting another boyfriend because a lot of my needs aren't satisfied because of the numerous rules my girlfriend has. Also sometimes it is easier not to say any of my needs because of my girlfriend jealousies. My boyfriend is in denial and believes our girlfriend can change, I'm not so hopefully because its been the same issues and problems from day one. We had numerous conversations about it and it doesn't seem to resolve it.

I want to bring up my feelings of secondary and the desire for another boyfriend but of course when I test the waters it starts to go poorly. Example I would joke that I'm talking/texting my other boyfriend and my current boyfriend gives me such a glare and his energy gets so tense.

Have one else been in this situation before? You desire another lover but the one or more have a problem with it? I feel like I have only two options; find another primary or leave them and walk my own path.
 
Your girlfriend?

She doesn't sound like your girlfriend. She sounds like his....and that you were forced to accept her in bed as part of being with him. Make him stop behaving like a wimp....and take you on as his own girlfriend :)

And get a boyfriend of your own, if you like. Actually, get rid of both and find adults who will treat you with respect and not freak out about you being responsible and going out to meet your own needs.

Why exactly do you put up with this?
 
I think you need to sit them down and tell them that:
* lots of your relationship makes you happy and you'd ideally like to keep that.
* a good few of your needs aren't being met, at least partly due to the needs they have of each other.
* you can't, nor do you want to, make demands that change the relationship they have with each other.
* you can't change your needs let alone any one else's
* the only way you can keep the relationship and remain healthy is by getting some of the needs you have met elsewhere.
 
Sounds like it is time to call into account and assess what you have for various things.

Basic yes/no answers for "are you willing? Are you able?" Then if "no" -- discern what blocks it and if it can be changed or not.

Either verbally or written you could ask for a moment of their time and inquire as to where they stand on your various points. (You do not list them, so I cannot recopy them. Sorry if this is too long -- just ignore what does apply and fill in your details yourself to give to them.) Something like...


Dear BF and GF:

I enjoy your company and love you very much. I want to continue in polyship.

I also want to meet my own needs for comfort inside this polyship.

BIG PICTURE

I have been promised changes and they have not come to pass. I am losing hope they will come to pass.
  • (List what was promised. X was supposed to do Y. )
I would like to know if you each are still willing to make those promised changes or no longer willing.
  • What blocks the willing if not willing? Could I help remove the block? Or is this limit reached?

I would like to know if you are able to make changes or not able.
  • What blocks the able if not able? Could I help remove the block? Or is this limit reached?

We agreed to try X for a time and see how it goes. It has been ____ amount of time. It is not working for me.

  • List of the things. Why it does not work for you. What you would like to try next instead. Are they willing/able to try new things now? If not, what blocks them? Could it be removed?



DETAILED PICTURE

The more detailed bits would cover these areas. We would have to cover these first to see if the big picture answer is even possible.

  • I need ____(list your needs that are not being met by BF at this time. ) Could you be willing/able to meet that? If not, what blocks it?
  • I need ____ (list your needs that are not being met by GF) Could you be willing/able to meet that? If not, what blocks it?

  • I need ____ that I would like to meet myself but cannot because of ______ blocking me. Could you each be willing/able to help remove what blocks me?

  • I would like to try dating other people. Could you be will/able to open the polyship so I am free to date outside it?

I am willing to hear feedback from you if there other areas of concern you would like to bring to the table and discuss.

Please tell me if you are willing to have this conversation or series of conversations and what time would be most convenient to you. I am free on _____(dates/times)___.

Thank you.​

That gives them time to gather their thoughts together and give you honest, serious answers to your questions and not be all "deer in the headlights" about it.

But it begins with you. You could communicate what is on your mind up front and honest and could not shy away from doing so because you fear having to deal with emotional responses from each. (Jealous feelings) from the GF or (Eyeball glares) from the BF.

If people get to emotional to talk rationally in face time just you 3? Could take a time out. Or agree to cover only a few bullets and then come back to it next week to knock off some more til the list is covered.

Or change HOW you do the conversation -- written or with a counselor, or something else.

But don't skip having it at all! It seems like it needs to be had so you can return to right relationship. So have it.

Galagirl
 
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Dskins said:
I have been desiring another boyfriend for while sometimes now . . .

I want to bring up my feelings of secondary and the desire for another boyfriend but of course when I test the waters it starts to go poorly.
Click to expand...

You're a grown-up. If you want another boyfriend, you can have one. Do you really need their permission to pursue someone? They've been giving you the shit end of the stick, and you are afraid to ask for what you need and want? Why? Are they in charge of your life? Are you the boss of you, or are they?

Don't be afraid to establish and defend your own autonomy. Dump them if they throw a hissy fit - they have no right.
 
nycindie said:
You're a grown-up. If you want another boyfriend, you can have one. Do you really need their permission to pursue someone? They've been giving you the shit end of the stick, and you are afraid to ask for what you need and want? Why? Are they in charge of your life? Are you the boss of you, or are they?

Don't be afraid to establish and defend your own autonomy. Dump them if they throw a hissy fit - they have no right.
Click to expand...

Along with being in a poly dynamic, we also have a D/s dynamic. So technically yes I do need the green light from him. But he has no problem throwing the Dom card at me. He goes off of the belief I will get my needs satisfied after his. The only problem with that he is never satisfied!

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is okay with the fact that he is poly, but seems to have an issue with the fact I am as well.

I do not have an potential lovers in the works also, part of me wants to keep quite because there doesn't seem to be a reason to stir the pot but on the other hand I want them to be aware in the fact I have my feelers out.
 
Dskins said:
Along with being in a poly dynamic, we also have a D/s dynamic. So technically yes I do need the green light from him. But he has no problem throwing the Dom card at me. He goes off of the belief I will get my needs satisfied after his. The only problem with that he is never satisfied!

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is okay with the fact that he is poly, but seems to have an issue with the fact I am as well.

I do not have an potential lovers in the works also, part of me wants to keep quite because there doesn't seem to be a reason to stir the pot but on the other hand I want them to be aware in the fact I have my feelers out.
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1) Technically, D/S dynamics are just play. He can't "make" you do anything and you can always leave him.
2) Ummmm, PM me if you like, but there are plenty of Doms who sound a heck of a lot better than him. He just sounds insecure and childish.
3) There is a reason to stir the pot if he's stopping you from pursuing your own life and ambitions-- when he's not willing to fulfill them himself.

I know you care deeply about him, but seriously, you need to take care of yourself....or you'll find little sympathy.
 
There are lots of poly Doms who do not stop their subs from seeing who they want. Your boyfriend is simply using kink labels to disguise unreasonable, fear based behaviour and you're allowing it.
 
Along with being in a poly dynamic, we also have a D/s dynamic. So technically yes I do need the green light from him. But he has no problem throwing the Dom card at me. He goes off of the belief I will get my needs satisfied after his. The only problem with that he is never satisfied!
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A dom only exists at the consent of the sub. If the sub does not consent? No dom. Period.

If you have agreed to an arrangement of

"I meet my dom's needs first. Then he meets my needs"​

and he fails to hold up his end of the deal to take turns? You needs are not met because he fails to hold up his end of the deal.

You could call him into account for breaking his side of the deal and revoke your willingness to be his sub and continue to keep that agreement.

If you are not able to walk away from D/s at any time? Then it is imprisonment -- which is NOT healthy D/s to me. It is abuse.

Galagirl
 
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I'm not into D/s, but even I know that a Dom isn't just about ordering a sub around - every aspect of domming is supposed to put the needs and welfare of the sub FIRST. Furthermore, you are an individual human being before you are a sub. You DO have the right to get out of a situation that is not good for you. Don't think that just because you're a sub, you have no rights and cannot stand up for yourself. He sounds like an asshole who doesn't know what he's doing.

Sheesh, the shit people will put up with. This is your life, and no one else's! Your dynamic and D/s agreement don't work for you anymore, that is obvious.
 
nycindie said:
a Dom isn't just about ordering a sub around - every aspect of domming is supposed to put the needs and welfare of the sub FIRST.
Furthermore, you are an individual human being before you are a sub.
You DO have the right to get out of a situation that is not good for you. Don't think that just because you're a sub, you have no rights and cannot stand up for yourself. He sounds like an asshole who doesn't know what he's doing.
Click to expand...

I bolded, highlighted, colored a couple key things.
I AM in serious D/s relationships and Nycindie is DEAD right.

Going backwards, from bottom to top:

It is a critical component of 'safe, sane, consensual' which is what keeps BDSM from being abuse. You don't have a "right" to get out of a situation that isn't good for you. As a sub you HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY to get out of a situation that isn't good for you.
I repeat-A RESPONSIBILITY.
Because if you don't-YOU are abusing YOU. Which isn't to say that he isn't also-but when YOU choose not to do self-care-you are also abusing you.
Furthermore; if you remove safe, sane and consensual-you walk out of the arena of BDSM and into the realm of mental health issues (yes there ARE actual clinical mental health issues) and illegal activities.

Always you are human with human needs FIRST. Those MUST be addressed at all times before submissive demands can be placed or upheld. Again-this falls into safe/sane/consensual. If you step away from this; it's abuse and falls into the realm of mental health issues (his and yours) and legality issues.

A true Dom always puts the needs of their sub first. Which means that they always ensure those needs are met BEFORE they make any demands on the sub. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. No exceptions.

As for the rest; you need to re-negotiate your dynamic if you are going to stay. Because it's unhealthy.
 
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