how to come to terms with his marriage?

[gorgeouskitten]

Hi there! Im new to the group, have been poly for a few months (or realized so anyways, always BEEN poly just finally realized, admitted, and had my wonderful husband get on board with it) and have a question about my relationship with my boyfriend.

We are both married, me for 10 years and he for 20 (hes older than me). He and his wife have been doing this longer, and my husband and I are new to it. My husband has been great, we discuss our sex lives, i look at internet dating with him (im in a committed 'secondary' relationship, hes looking) and he tries to give me all the time and space I need with my bf with out jeoprodizing our relationship.

My BF is another story. When hes with me, he talks about wanting more time alone, or a night at his house by ourselves (he has no children, i do) but he is always too afraid to ask her for these things. He;s told me we will go away in a few weeks, but still hasnt told her. Im getting frustrating and starting to feel like she always gets "her way" even though Im not sure she is even aware of the situation. Im not really sure what to do, or if I need to try to back off a little (we both say i love you etc, not just a physical relationship) until he can make his actions meet his words?
Any advice??

 

[Vinccenzo]

Have you asked him about their history; how they got to where they are now? He may have reason to be apprehensive due to her reactions. There may also be reasons that have nothing to do with her wishes.
My own husband, I have no idea if he is dodgy with his GF as to why or not, is more cautious than I need or ask him to be. This can lead to his choices looking like they are at my behest when they are not.

Then there is the possibility that his choices are aimed to control hers. If he does (whatever) with you, then its only fair his wife can make that choice for herself in her relationships. You might be asking for something he isn't comfortable with his wife doing in her relationships.

One thing to keep in mind is something I heard at a workshop. Try to not fall into the pattern of thinking of your metamour as your obstacle or competition. They are a person and they have their own wants and goals to being happy. It might impede you, or seem so, but it doesn't have to mean they are simply wanting to be in your way.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Thanks, this is really great. I agree i shouldnt look at her as competition, though sometimes its hard not to. So here is their deal, she has had a few relationships...im unsure if any of them were as serious as his and mine seems to be getting...and he has pretty much always let her do whatever she wants, weekends or nights with the bf, next week they will all be at a conference and whole the bf is there his wife will go stay with him instead of her husband (my boyfriend).

When it comes to us, he is extremely cagey about telling her he wants to stay out until 11 or 12 with me, or that he wants to do an overnight. Last week, he came and spend time with me even though she felt he should be home preparing for their trip which was one time he did express and get his needs met. But I cant fathom why he cant ask for an overnight when she has them, when I asked if he has told her about our weekend trip yet he replied "it hasnt come up naturally yet". He admits that he may be giving me a bad impression of her stalling oru relationship when its really him thats too afraid to ask for the time with me. So i realize its him...but then what does that mean? I guess im worried he doesnt want this as much as me, I ask my husband for time with the bf when I know he doesnt even HAVE a gf right now to even the playing field so to speak.

On top of all that, he commented last night that he felt his finally doing this (poly) had saved his relationship with her because she finally feels free to really be poly because he has me. Thinknig back, i feel like that statement made our relationship about her and that made me sad.

Perhaps I need an attitude adjustment as a 'secondary'? (neither of us use the term, but i dont know what else to call it)

oh, and as of right now we spend one week night together from like 5-10 or so, and sometimes another night from 8-10 but not lately :/

 

[IndieSolo]

Eek, it does sound like a situation where she might've told him she was poly first, got herself a bf, and then he sought out an additional relationship for himself to be even or equal with her.

We often see posts like that from people who are fairly new to poly, where one of them says, "It's so unfair, she/he has someone else and I'm sitting at home with no one" (forgetting that they still have each other) and they think they have to have what their partner has or it's not right. People like that tend to feel "left out" and get all sulky about it. But opening up a committed relationship to having other partners is not meant to be a race or competition!

Or -- oftentimes, one spouse feels guilty or uncomfortable having a lover and so they push their husband or wife into finding someone to be in relationship with, just so they themselves won't feel so guilty and selfish for having one when their primary partner* doesn't. So their primary gets involved but never feels quite right about it either, even though there may be genuine affection and caring in their secondary relationship.

*I used the terms primary and secondary just to make it clear which person I was talking about, not to make any assumptions about how you view your relationships.

I once briefly got involved with someone who had a bit of the first dynamic going on in his marriage. They had been open for not quite a year at that point. I could tell there was some unresolved issue he had going on with his wife. She had one bf and wanted to get involved with a second bf. She had also been very welcoming and kind to me, and encouraged me to get to know her husband, and for he and I to proceed at a pace comfortable for us. She couldn't have been more warm, gracious, and open to me.

He (the guy I dated) had only had a few NSA flings and threesomes since they had opened their marriage. He kept saying how much he felt that opening up had benefited them, but at the same time he also expressed some frustration about how she was managing her time with the other guys. Finally, I asked him, "Do you think that maybe a part of you only wants a second relationship just because she has one? Are you trying to keep things fair?" And he admitted that was a big part of it. That being said, I do know he had a genuine attraction to me, and he liked and respected me as a person.

HOWEVER, a couple days later, I ended it. I told him I only wanted to be with someone who wholeheartedly wanted to be with me, not as a way to make things even with his wife, but because he had a desire to get to know me and to be with me. I want to be the motivating factor for someone who embarks on a relationship with me - not keeping pace with his wife! I said I felt that, until he came to terms with certain issues he had over how his wife was handling her other relationships, he was not ready to get involved with other people. So I released him. There is nothing as unattractive to me than people who get into poly just to be poly - you know what I mean? Pursue someone because you find that person engaging and attractive, and you really want to get to know them and have them in your life, not because you have proclaimed yourself poly.

Just because I broke up with the guy I mentioned above, doesn't mean that was my only option. I could have waited it out, and hoped that he would eventually grow to love and want me in his life because of his feelings for me, and for no other reason. But I knew that, because of other things going on in my life, I needed to preserve my fragile (at the time) self-esteem, and therefore I had to let him go.

You may or may not need to do that, but it certainly sounds like you need to have a frank discussion with him about it, and perhaps back away a bit until he can show in word and deed that he wants to be with and pursue a relationship with you FOR YOU and not because he thinks he should. You can show him this thread after you get a few more replies, and see how he responds to it. I also think you shouldn't be wishy-washy about what you want. If he is making plans with you, you need to be assertive by telling him you won't discuss it until you know he's confirmed things with her. Or contact her yourself - what's stopping you from sending her an email or text, or giving her a call to ask how she feels about you and him taking a trip together? Developing a friendly relationship with your metamour might be the very thing you need.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

oy. I do hope that isnt the case, I do love him very much and want it to work, and my own spouse is very supportive of our relationship and they get along very well. I do have a good relationship with his spouse, we talk and email and have all hung out together, and I considered just emailnig her and saying he wants to go away with me and is she ok with that but I dont want to undermine him. It is really bothering me the 'set' weekend is only weeks away and hes failed to bring it up with her, i feel the closer it gets the more likely she has made other plans for them (this has happened before).

We did get involved because of our mutual attraction to each other, it was because of our feelings I did some deep thinknig and decided to ask my spouse for a poly lifestyle, where as for my bf i was the first woman he made a connection with and his wife asked to be poly years ago, theyve been doing this (or she has) years longer than us, yet i feel my husband i have a better handle on it. It saddens me to think that maybe he is really just appeasing her and if she werent already poly he would have just ignored our connection. Ive tried to talk to him about this, yet not much has changed. My own spouse reminds me it has only been a few months, but i feel like if we are going to build this relationship we need to nurture it now. I did tell him yesterday i do not consider any of our plans for now or the future 'final' until he has talked with her. I guess thats the best i can do for now :/

 

[IndieSolo]

Well, admittedly, I am not there with you all, so my "hit" on what the dynamic is, was only gleaned from the bit of info you shared. It may not be the case at all! It's just that the part where she is okay with poly and he is cagey and afraid to ask for what he wants that made me think he could be unconsciously competing somehow.

That does not mean there isn't love and genuine feelings between you, if it is the case. Nor does it mean it can't move forward to a happy situation where communication is more openly shared. It just may mean there will be some difficult or challenging conversations ahead to get clear and for all of you to feel on level ground.

I do have a good relationship with his spouse, we talk and email and have all hung out together, and I considered just emailnig her and saying he wants to go away with me and is she ok with that but I dont want to undermine him.

Well, in that case, if you have a good relationship with her, how is it undermining him to talk to her? You can just say, "Hey, BF and I are talking about going away together. I know he's been nervous about talking to you about it, but I'd like to have everything out in the open. How do you feel about it? Does that weekend work for you? Blablabla." CC him on the email or let him know you got in touch with her. Jeez, just because he's walking on eggshells around her doesn't mean you have to!

It is really bothering me the 'set' weekend is only weeks away and hes failed to bring it up with her, i feel the closer it gets the more likely she has made other plans for them (this has happened before).

Hmm, could he be avoiding talking to her about it as a way to sabotage it? Since he doesn't like rocking the boat with her, he probably doesn't like rocking the boat with anyone. Maybe suggesting going away with you was a way he thought he could make you feel better, but he might not be comfortable with it yet himself. He does sound really unsure of himself and insecure.