How to date while chronically ill, or at least not resent my partner?

R

Rochelle

New member
I'm in a mostly healthy, happy partnership of 8 years. For that entire time, I've been chronically ill. I've had good spells where I can do more, but I spend a lot of time taking care of my health, sleeping, and working so I can afford medicine and doctors (not to mention trying to make up for lost time while I was sick).

Back in the day, I had a lot of lovers. When I met my current partner, I had a few other lovers. Over the past four years, I've had zero other lovers. I would get crushes from time to time and go on dates, but it was hard to maintain desire when my body felt so bad all the time. My sickness even killed sex between me and my partner for over a year, though he claimed it wasn't the reason. He said he was just sad and mystified that he no longer felt hot for me.

This year, I've started really getting better. It's been over nine months since my last relapse, which is unheard of! As I've gotten healthier, my own sex drive has returned and my partner and I are re-connecting sexually. Here's the problem, though: He's an attractive, athletic man who travels for a living. He has had no problem finding lovers since I've met him (though he claims he's had dry spells, too). We're both in our forties, but some of his lovers right now are in their twenties, which bothers me a little. Right now he's pursuing about 5 relationships, besides our core partnership, and it's starting to feel like a lot to keep up with! I love polyamory, and I know he loves me, but I'm a little worried it will always look like this: him juggling many relationships, me with only him.

I think I want to date more people, but I'm pretty cautious and slow these days. I've gained about 40 pounds in the last few years, and that might change as I get healthier, or it might not. I can only focus on making healthy choices—what my hormones and metabolism do is out of my control. So I'm facing middle-age as a fat woman in a culture that teaches older women and fatter women that they're not attractive. I've still got ongoing health issues, and a few trust issues, and it often doesn't feel worth it to try to flirt with anyone! Some days I feel like having this incredible partner who adores me, and a wide circle of friends, is enough, that I'm already blessed. Other days, like right now while he's visiting another lover, it's hard to fight back jealousy and resentment. I wish I could travel and have lovers and adventures again, but even if those are ever possible again, they will always require a lot of planning and care. But I don't want to punish him for being happy and living his best life! How do I handle these feelings?

Has anyone faced anything similar? Do you have any advice? I'm planning to go to therapy again as soon as I can afford it. Thanks for listening!
 
Hello Rochelle,
I admit I haven't been in your shoes, although I've also been dealing with ill health lately. I hear two major issues in your post

Right now he's pursuing about 5 relationships, besides our core partnership, and it's starting to feel like a lot to keep up with!
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You seem to be worried about the number of your partners' lovers. I am not sure what "keeping up" means though. Are you saying that in your opinion he's become too busy to give you the attention or time that you would like? Are you saying that you are tired keeping track of his other relationships and would rather have less changes in your life right now? I think you should stop to ask what it is that you are missing here from your relationship. You're saying your partnership is otherwise healthy, so hopefully you ask him to consider some adjustments - this could be eg. closing from new partners temporarily, or giving you less details about other partners, or spending more quiet evenings together...

I can only focus on making healthy choices—what my hormones and metabolism do is out of my control. So I'm facing middle-age as a fat woman in a culture that teaches older women and fatter women that they're not attractive. I've still got ongoing health issues, and a few trust issues, and it often doesn't feel worth it to try to flirt with anyone!
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The other one seems to be a self-esteem issue. I get that your illness is a real obstacle, but not trusting yourself to be attractive is a whole another can of worms.
I'm also getting a strong impression that this bleeds over into your relationship with your husband and is causing some of the resentment.

I wish I could travel and have lovers and adventures again, but even if those are ever possible again, they will always require a lot of planning and care.
Click to expand...
It seems to be a strong desire of yours, so maybe they are worth it :)
 
Hi Tinwen,

Thanks so much for your reply. It always helps to have someone mirror back to me what the real issues are—and you're right, it's mostly insecurity. It's hard to feel hot right now, or like I have a lot to offer someone new. I def need to work on that.

I also realized that I talked about jealousy when I should have said envy. I'm not possessive of my partner, who I feel close and connected with every day that he's away—I'm envious of his lifestyle. I'm envious of anyone who find it easy to travel and easy to find lovers, and my partner is one of those people, so it's in my face on the regular. It's not a useful way to feel, but there it is.

I think today is just a day when it really hurts.

Thanks again! <3
 
i roll around in wheelchair, i don't leave home without it. and i am very home bound. i only see therapists & doctors, once in awhile some of hubby's friends visit. i've reached out to neighbors, but nothing.

no sex for 15-20 years, my choice which is fine for me [asexual]. yes back in in the day i had mutiple lovers, but today not even friends to take me for a roll at a nearby park.

hubby has had a lover for 2 years, w date nights, 2-3 night getaways, & vacations together. without sex, why should he & i go on extended weekends together? [his choice, & yes it hurts, hence my lurking on poly site.] i understand his libido is much stronger than mine, & as caregiver he needs breaks, ... our marriage is rocky.

so i will watch this thread w great interest. maybe even respond again.
 
Beka, that sounds really hard. It's so tough when our partners are also caregivers. I agree, if you could find a support group that might be really good! When I had less mobility, online groups were better than nothing. Good luck. <3
 
I can empathise with you a lot. I am disabled, arthritis, severe diabeties with complications, fibromyalgia and more.
I am also very overweight although lost 3 stones in past year and going for bariatric surgery.

I felt hideous in my own body for a long time and it really affected my libido too. Now I have a partner who doesn't see my size but the person, something I never believed. With him I don't care about my body size or shape, well i do myself but he doesn't care at all.

I am in a long distance relationship now, getting out and about locally is often a challenge for me but I recently managed a 4 hour trip involving 2 trains. It was worth it. I planned for when the train would be quieterand reserved my seat. Next time I am going in my wheelchair though as the trains seats were so uncomfy for my bad back.

I think setting yourself small goals is a good start, and feel proud of yourself when you achieve them. Self image and body confidence is not something fixed quickly usually but there really are people out there who either prefer larger women or don't care about size either way.

Im lucky that i got over my insecurities fast because my partner doesn't see size as an issue abd makes me feel beautiful and loved.

Overcoming illness and disability is often a case of making adaptations, breaking up longer trips into smaller ones with breaks, booking hotels and holidays that understand different issied and have strategies in place. (I book larger rooms or disabled rooms make sute there is a lift or ramp into the building etc.

I completely lost my zest for life for a long time so i fully understand how you will feel at times.
 
Hi Rochelle,

Perhaps you resent your partner for his having good health, or at least you envy him for that. I have to say that five relationships sounds like an awful lot, but I guess it is okay if he can meet everyone's needs. Does he meet yours? Do you need more time with him?

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I can relate for different reasons. I am a caregiver I am with a younger partner in another city. I have a severely disabled son and mother troubled by age and schizophrenia living with me and am mostly homebound except for going out locally for necessities and such unless I can organize care for longer.

There are various reasons we can't move from here in the short term at least that aren't worth going through. I'm not even particularly social or interested in meeting people, but it can get really frustrating sometimes to only be around dependents on the odd occasion when you'd like to have someone to be close to, your lover is in another city, you don't have anyone locally and you can't get to somewhere where there are people you'd like to be with.

Caregiving changes the nature of a relationship. Is this person someone I carry to bed or down the stairs for physio?

One possibility that comes to mind is hiring part time assistance - or requesting a friend or neighbour and using that to get some sense other than "caregiver" for your partner. Perhaps something as simple as a friend coming over to help you dress and get ready something special for your partner just before he arrives. So that when he arrives, there is nothing to do for you, and he can relax and meet YOU. Someone or even a trusted disability sensitive cab driver willing to drive you for dates.

Beauty parlours/massages seriously help. We can often be starved for attention, affection, touch when we are frustrated. While we want it from a specific person or specific kind of person, our bodies and unconscious minds are less discriminating. Any undivided attention and undemanding but abundant touch helps meet some needs that aren't even on a list.

Change the time you spend together. A big part of the problem is interactions that are on auto-pilot - they are routine, so they take up time, yet little of the time is interested, mindful, attentive to the person as opposed to needs, etc. There is a lot of knowing what to expect and few surprises or things to discover. Change timings, find help to reduce caregiving time where possible, add a movie or dinner somewhere on occasion... or even turn a caregiving task into some mutually fun activity by taking charge of it and participating, even though you need assistance. Slip in odd needs that break routine - craving mango milkshake, need nails painted some day, pizza party for close friends... It will also allow you to take things on at your pace and ability.

Use casual time you have for conversation. A big casualty of caregiving is actually conversation. There is so much interaction addressing needs that it is easy to miss having conversations as people. Conversations bring intimacy. They remind you of the person and what you feel for them and can help remind of the relationship as lovers.
 
caregiver-
thankyou for your perspective, especially to routine stuff.

hubby makes me a waffle almost every morning, always different toppings [fresh berries, nuts, jelly/jam, whipped cream, etc]. but in its own way, it's a small routine i can "do" something different as much for him as for me. so on some "good" mornings i can toast my own waffle, get my own cereal, microwave oatmeal. it means his day starts w 1 less obligation, more relaxed. maybe hubby can take more time with coffee. it's a little thing i can do [hopefully without a mess] to make his day start better.

i like your ideas too. it was a joy to read!
thankyou
 
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