How to get over the "jealousy"

M

Momof4

New member
I'm pretty new to the lifestyle. If you've seen my introduction post, you know that I just recently agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend. I'm still sorting through feelings, and seeing where I fit in this whole situation.

Yesterday, while we were out shopping for bras for me (which I consider a pretty intimate thing), he was texting her the whole time. Hey, whateve. We get home and he and I are in the bedroom talking and we start getting intimate. I start giving him a blowjob, and in the middle of it our kids (we have 4) start banging on our door and yelling for us. We obviously stop, and I go and deal with the kids. I admit I was giving him a little bit of an attitude and he asked what was wrong. I said, "I bet that doesn't happen over there," and he says, "No, it sure doesn't." She doesn't have any kids.

I mean obviously this isn't the first time we've been "interrupted." It is par for the course with kids, especially with 4, and one of them young enough to still wake at night.

While we were at our son's sports practice last night (he's a coach) I see him on his phone, and I know he's texting her.

He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him, "No, it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."

He has told me he plans on being with her tonight after our son's sport game. He's going to leave straight from the game and be home really late. He's told me the interruption doesn't bother him, and that we'll finish another time. But in the meantime, he's with her, not having the kids around.

I know the relationship is still new, so they're in the goo-goo gah-gah stage. But how do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family, and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants?

*sigh* I'm trying... I really am!
 
Momof4 said:
He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him, "No, that it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."

[...]
How do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family, and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants?
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Tell him the truth when he asks you. I know it's not always the best time to have that discussion, but admit that yes, you're feeling hurt, jealous, envious, whatever, and then talk about it. Right now, he's asking-- he seems to be trying-- and you're telling him "No."

I was envious as hell of Chops and Xena's relationship while he was unemployed for a time... I was working long hours of OT, my kids weren't yet at the point where they'd have been comfortable with him staying at the house on the weekend, and I was seeing all sorts of hikes, bicycle rides, etc. plastered all over Facebook because they had time together. I talked about it. We had some hairy conversations, but we talked.

Don't make him ferret out what you're really thinking by giving him attitude, and don't expect him to read minds. Be honest, even if you're feeling miserable. Then you have a shot in hell of addressing the problem and not skirting around it.
 
It sounds like you guys need to have some boundaries as to when it's appropriate to be texting others. A "protected" time, if you will. Texting during family time, or when you guys are doing couple things, isn't appropriate, imo.

When I know Nate and I are doing things, I'll text Sam to let him know it's ok to text me, but I will be MIA for a while, so not to expect responses. It makes Nate feel better to know my time with him is with him.
 
YouAreHere said:
Tell him the truth when he asks you. I know it's not always the best time to have that discussion, but admit that yes, you're feeling hurt, jealous, envious, whatever, and then talk about it. Right now, he's asking-- he seems to be trying-- and you're telling him "No."
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I agree. This is the thing that jumped out at me, as well.

Adding to this, don't wait for him to prompt you if you're having jealousy issues, either. One of the things about jealousy is that it is based purely in fear of the unknown, so when you feel this jealousy it is in your best interest to treat it as if it is just an emotion and nothing more. Bring it up, be honest about what it feels like, and treat it like a thing you are learning to work through. There's nothing dark and mysterious about it unless we keep it a secret and let it eat at us.

Also, and I think most importantly, when discussing jealousy make sure you are approaching it from the point of view that you are the one responsible for it. While that fear of the unknown is usually prompted by some environmental trigger, the emotion itself can only be dealt with by the person experiencing it. When I have experienced jealousy in the past, I was always a little embarrassed about it, and brought it up honestly, "I feel a little silly, but I've got some jealousy stuff going on." Her response was to inquire what prompted it, we discussed it, did a little mystery investigation about where the feeling was probably coming from, hugged, and I felt a billion times better.

Granted, her communication skills and emotional awareness were pretty advanced, but I think it's attainable for just about anyone.
 
It isn't unreasonable to ask that he be present, with his focus on you and the family when he's home, or with you at family events. Many people have an agreement not to text their other partners or lovers when together.
 
I can relate about the texting. When M (who is much younger than me) and I first started really spending time together, the texting seemed to be a complete interruption of our special time. I even found out that she'd been taking selfies to send to her suitors, and texting one of the more serious ones some emotional stuff, while we were cuddled up on the couch together! It seemed like a betrayal... at first. It was a huge bone of contention for us for at least 3 of the 8 months we've been dating.

I had to realize a few things (one or more, but not all may apply to you):

1. I can't monopolize her time all the time. Even expecting to control 51% of her time is coercive and controlling. Your situation is different, as y'all are married with children, but still, when entering into a poly relationship, part of the growing pains are going to be about what used to be your time becoming someone else's time. You're very perceptive to realize that they are in the NRE/honeymoon period, and that will take some adjusting to, certainly.

2. Think of whom he's texting like a a friend, not a rival. Easier said than done when you know exactly who it is, of course. Realize that the person you love should be able to talk and text and interact with their romantic interest as much as any other friend, or even a bit more, even as much as you, if their relationship is going that way, and you're working at being fully poly. If it were his best male friend (assuming he's not a romantic interest) would you be cool with it?

Obviously, if your needs aren't being met, you need to voice that. And if you feel the time and place are inappropriate, have a discussion that sets out your feelings about what's right and wrong, from your perspective. His may be different. You'll have to decide if you can accept what he's willing to agree to on the matter, or if you can't. Same for him. Hopefully, you can come to a mutually agreed-upon understanding about what works for you and what doesn't.

3. Be more independent. When I realized that I couldn't and shouldn't change M's behavior, and we'd had a talk about appropriateness, I also realized that if I was waiting around on her to be my entertainment, or if I was preoccupied with what she was doing more than doing my own thing, I needed to do something that was moving me forward.

I was married for 14 years. I know that when you've been joined at the hip with someone for a long period of time, especially where the focus was on being each other's biggest cheerleader, friend, confidant, etc., it's going to be strange to suddenly have a lot more alone time (though you have kids, but you know what I mean) to suddenly do your own thing. I had to reevaluate what even was my own thing.

You'll work this all out in time. Use the time productively.
 
If you haven't already, OP, search for threads here on New Relationship Energy (NRE). Your husband is deep in the throes of it. It can make one act stupidly. Being aware of NRE, and its impact on yourself, your husband and your metamour, can really help frame what is going on.
 
Stop being passive aggressive and tell him the truth.

There is nothing wrong with saying exactly what you want.

I try to not have texting marathons with Murf when it is couple or family time. But on the other hand, Butch knows I only get small windows in the day to talk with him, due to his job. Murf works 6pm to 6 am and cannot text from work other than on his breaks. During the day he is sleeping. I get to talk to him a bit for a half hour to hour period, from 4-5pm, before he heads into work. For 15 minutes at 9pm on his first 15-minute break. And between bites when he eats dinner at midnight til 12:30am. And I am sleeping at 3 am on his final break.
 
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First, remember that it's okay to feel jealous or envious. It's natural. Next, be honest with your hubby. Anticipating sexy time then having it given to someone else can be hurtful. I would advise finding a calm way to tell your husband that 1) you are envious that they can have sexy moments without interruption, 2) you would like time where you don't have to worry about interruption, and 3) when you do get interrupted and expect time with him that you would appreciate it if he didn't make other plans.

It is okay to ask him to limit texting to anyone during family time, not just her.

You will have ups and downs. You really want to try to look at each trigger to determine why it bothers you. Is it just trying to adjust to sharing, or are some needs not being met? Which needs? Are they things you can take care of yourself, or needs hubby needs to help you meet? Questioning yourself is good. But when your husband asks if you are okay, be honest with him. It will never work if you hide instead. Good luck!
 
Whenever she wants, however she wants?

As someone in her position, or at least dating a guy with kids, I definitely get interrupted by his kids, whether we're out, and something happens to one of the kids, so he gets called home early, or if I'm at his place, and the kids are around. We've more or less given up on trying anything while they're home, though. Also, if I couldn't text him while he was with family, I would be severely limited in my time with him. He's on his phone, anyway. Might as well be with me. :)

Kids puts restrictions on ALL parties involved with the family, pre-established or becoming established.
 
Jealous or envious? It sounds like envy of their ability to have uninterrupted time devoted to each other. Nothing wrong with that. I envy my daughter her energetic youth. Who would think that is wrong?

Anyway...

Honesty is critical, especially in regards to feelings and needs. Being pro-active about addressing feelings and needs will do your relationship much more good than waiting for it to blow up. So how about laying out some designated "uninterruption" times?

Example: we have an agreement that when we are having dinner (any of us, the three adults and two kids left at home), no cell phones, laptops, etc.

The only exception is that if we are out and the kids are home alone (one is 14), we will respond to calls from the kids.

Likewise, we don't do cells on dates or during intimate times.

But what seems intimate needs to be addressed, pointblank. I don't know any guys who think it's particularly intimate to go shopping for clothing, not even if it's your intimate apparel. Almost all women I know think it is.

So you need to be honest and upfront about the specific times you would like his undivided attention, keeping in mind that she may have expectations for him as well, when he is with her.

We also have a rule-between any partners; that emergency interruptions of dates are allowed OR if one of the kids needs to speak to any one of us for any reason-we will absolutely accept the call.

This has annoyed some potential partners; because they felt that if the kids were with a parent, and the other parent was on a date, the kids don't need the other parent. But we don't operate that way. The kids have 3 parents and they are free to contact any of us at any time. Period.

So instead of thinking in abstract terms like "jealous," turn it concrete:
"I need x amount of uninterrupted time a day/week/month."
"I consider xyz very intimate times when I want your undivided attention."
 
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever-- I'm there, but I don't want to be there, so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also, with 4 children, it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
 
WhatToDo said:
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever-- I'm there, but I don't want to be there, so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children, it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life, and I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
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If the envy is a problem, though (and it sounds like it is), then they may need to make an effort to have some level of uninterrupted time for themselves as well. Just putting in the effort and showing that it's important to you can have a huge impact on the envious/hurt person, even if it doesn't give the same exact result.

And I never thought about it before, but I actually would consider bra shopping to be more intimate than, say, other types of clothes shopping. I'd probably add shoe shopping to our intimate list as well, but that's just because Chops has a thing for ladies in nice shoes. ;) Point being, what might be an, "Of course that's intimate," for one, may be a, "What are you talking about?" for the other.

Even if you don't end up on the same page, talking to your husband, OP, will let you know if you're even in the same book together.
 
Momof4 said:
I'm pretty new to the lifestyle. If you've seen my introduction post, you know that I just recently agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend. I'm still sorting through feelings, and seeing where I fit in this whole situation.
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Fit in?? Do you feel like you're getting alienated from your marriage? Why don't you try and find a boyfriend on the side? This isn't supposed to be a one-way compromise!

Yesterday while out shopping for bras for me (which I consider a pretty intimate thing) my husband was texting his gf the whole time... We get home and he and I are in the bedroom... we start getting intimate... Our kids (we have 4) start banging on our door and yelling... I go and deal with the kids. I admit I was giving him a little bit of an attitude and he asked what was wrong. I said, "I bet that doesn't happen over there," and he says, "No, it sure doesn't." She doesn't have any kids.
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You can ask him for a boundary: please don't text her while we are having "us time." This is a pretty reasonable boundary, and if it's something you need, then it's something you need!

... this isn't the first time we've been interrupted, it is par for the course with the kids...

While at our son's sports practice last night (he's a coach) I see him on his phone and I know he's texting her.

He asked me if I was jealous, and I told him, "No, it's just typical that we get interrupted, but I'm fine."
Click to expand...

Here I will say that you probably ought to work on getting more in touch with your emotions and learn to be more direct and honest about it. As a woman, you've been expected to be "fine" your whole life. You've been taught and conditioned to hide your emotions, even from yourself, for the sake of others. It's okay to be human, to be hurt, frustrated, and confused! You should have told him that you'd like to talk more later.

He has told me he plans on being with her tonight after our son's sport game. He's going to leave straight from the game and be home really late. He's told me the interruption doesn't bother him, and that we'll finish another time. But in the meantime he's with her, not having the kids around.
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This is why I brought up scheduling. When you're balancing multiple partners, it can be very important to have very clear "us time." Of course there are going to be interruptions, but you can come up with agreements to work around that so that everyone feels fair.

The relationship is still new... How do I get over this jealousy I'm feeling about him texting her while he's with his family, and the fact that she can be intimate with him whenever she wants, however she wants?
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We typically call that NRE (new relationship energy). Yeah, it can be a major cause of jealousy in metamours.
 
WhatToDo said:
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever. I'm there, but I don't want to be there, so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life. I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
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With 4 kids, Nate and I don't have a lot of date opportunities. So when we go shopping, that's our alone time, and it wouldn't be appropriate for him to occupy his time with someone else. Sure, respond to a text here and there if I'm in the dressing room alone, but to spend the entire outing glued to his phone would piss me off. Best not to even start a conversation at that point. Beat to tell gf "I'll be out with Sue for a few hours. I won't be texting during that time."
 
RedPanda said:
Fit in?? Do you feel like you're getting alienated from your marriage? Why don't you try and find a boyfriend on the side? This isn't supposed to be a one-way compromise!
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I agree with almost everything you're saying except this. Here's why.

Getting a new partner can be a great thing to do for yourself, but if you're just doing it because your old partner isn't treating you right, I don't think that's the right reason. As you said later, they need to communicate more clearly and work on themselves first before adding a new person.

I've read a lot of threads where people say adding a partner isn't a good or quick fix for existing problems. I agree.
 
Momof4 said:
... agreed to the "open marriage" idea and have allowed my husband to get a girlfriend.
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As someone who is on the other end of this type of situation, this part of your statement is a huge red flag for me. It tells me that you didn't go into this with joy, but were more pushed/pulled into it. Is this maybe why you're having difficulty being in this situation?

I totally agree with "no texting while out," with either partner in a date situation, or at times when attention should be on the people you're with. Do you show her the same consideration, and not text him when he is with her?

Did she know you were out for some time alone with your husband (bra shopping or whatever), or that he was in the middle of coaching the game (family time)? If he didn't make her aware of his family/SO time, then it is his issue that needs to be addressed, and how he keeps his OSO informed of when he is available for texting/calling.
 
vanquish said:
I agree with almost everything you're saying except this. Here's why.

Getting a new partner can be a great thing to do for yourself, but if you're just doing it because your old partner isn't treating you right, I don't think that's the right reason. As you said later, they need to communicate more clearly and work on themselves first before adding a new person.

... people say adding a partner isn't a good or quick fix for existing problems, and I agree.
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The same could be said about opening up a marriage. Opening a marriage should be done when not under the duress of a faltering relationship. My current relationship was predicated on both parties being polyamorous. I know this is more common for young people today. I really couldn't imagine altering an existing relationship from monogamy to polyamory.

There are some fundamentally different expectations when you choose monogamous or polyamorous lifestyles.

Although I could have worded my point better, the OP is not participating in polyamory; the OP seems to be maintaining those monogamous expectations. To me, it sounded like "Polyamory is just something that my partner is doing. I still want a monogamous relationship."

You can have mono-poly pairings, as long as both parties understand what to expect.
 
WhatToDo said:
As a male I wouldn't consider bra shopping intimate time. It's the same as shoe shopping or whatever. I'm there. but I don't want to be there, so I'm just trying to keep myself occupied.

Also with 4 children it's probably fairly standard to get interrupted during sexy time. It's probably one of the things he likes about being with his gf. It's just a fact of life. I don't think is anything that should be taken personally.
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Since the kids (and all the responsibilities that come with them) belong to both parents, one of them keeping a relationship, in part, as an escape from parenting isn't appropriate. The OP isn't dating others, so it will always fall on her to pick up the slack. It can end up feeling like her spouse stays married to have a free babysitter on date night. He will have to make sure to afford the OP the amount of time and attention the OP needs to not fall into that feeling, because if what you suggest is what's going on, the OP has every reason to be troubled. It means she has agreed not only to share her spouse with someone else, but to also be a single parent when parenting pinches her spouse's style.
 
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