Hi. My name is Marcus and I am very grateful to have found this group. I have been in a relationship with my GF for 3 years now. She told me when we met that she liked to have multiple relationships which sounded fine by me as I have not ever exactly been monogamous. But neither of us has dated anyone else since we got together until my GF met J. Now I have to share her and our time and I am struggling. I haven't met J, really don't want to, but GF seems happy so I'm trying to support. I haven't met anyone else but I really haven't been trying. Should I? Would that help my jealousy? Thank you.
How to handle the jealousy
- Thread starter MarcusBP
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
I wouldn't start dating purely for that reason. I will say it helped me put things in perspective.
Jealousy is a symptom, not the disease. You have to look within to figure out the root cause.
Jealousy is a symptom, not the disease. You have to look within to figure out the root cause.
Hello Marcus,
It may possibly help your jealousy to get a second partner of your own. But there are also other ways to tackle jealousy, such as:
Regards,
Kevin T.
It may possibly help your jealousy to get a second partner of your own. But there are also other ways to tackle jealousy, such as:
- What If I Get Jealous?
- Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
- "First Aid" for Jealousy
- Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
- Understanding jealousy
- How do you achieve compersion?
- Jealousy and Insecurity
- The Theory of Jealousy Management
- The Practice of Jealousy Management
- Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
- Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
Regards,
Kevin T.
What vinsanity said.
Really find out what has triggered this jealousy; what is making you feel insecure, or scared of? Ask yourself is this a rational fear? Sometimes what we're worried about is rational; other times it's a knee-jerk reaction.
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
We're here for you!
Really find out what has triggered this jealousy; what is making you feel insecure, or scared of? Ask yourself is this a rational fear? Sometimes what we're worried about is rational; other times it's a knee-jerk reaction.
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.
We're here for you!
Would you ever be open to the idea of meeting J, Marcus?
I know it seems scary, but I've found that even going out for a quick cup of coffee or something with a metamour (that is, the person who is dating your girlfriend/partner/etc) can be a great way to cope with jealousy if your jealousy is at all based on thinking that they're somehow better than you.
No one is perfect. If you're able to get to know J as a fellow human being who has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses, it might help.
I know it seems scary, but I've found that even going out for a quick cup of coffee or something with a metamour (that is, the person who is dating your girlfriend/partner/etc) can be a great way to cope with jealousy if your jealousy is at all based on thinking that they're somehow better than you.
No one is perfect. If you're able to get to know J as a fellow human being who has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses, it might help.
Thank you all!
KevinT, thank you for the links. I had read some before but a few were new and helpful.
ElMango, I know that I am being irrational. I am expecting her to leave like my wife did. But my marriage was over before the wife got a BF, I just couldn't face it. I am trying really hard to not punish her for the things that happened in my past.
Alluvion, I have told K I would meet J. I too think if I met him and got to know him, it would be less threatening. I'm going to try that next week.
KevinT, thank you for the links. I had read some before but a few were new and helpful.
ElMango, I know that I am being irrational. I am expecting her to leave like my wife did. But my marriage was over before the wife got a BF, I just couldn't face it. I am trying really hard to not punish her for the things that happened in my past.
Alluvion, I have told K I would meet J. I too think if I met him and got to know him, it would be less threatening. I'm going to try that next week.
Impressions from the past can definitely do a number on you in the present. Jealousy almost always does boil down to insecurity or fear, and your history with your ex-wife would certainly seem to explain why you're feeling jealous about your current partner having others.
If you do choose to meet her other partner, I hope it works to help you get past the jealousy. Because "just meet your metamours, then you won't feel that way" is quite common advice among poly people, I do want to put in that for some of us, meeting the metamours makes the insecurity and fear *worse*, not better.
Personally, if I don't know a metamour, my brain doesn't have a lot to play with in terms of my anxiety and depression creating worst-case scenarios. All I know is there's this woman named Whatever who my partner's seeing, and there are still fears and insecurities, but there's little to hang them on. But if I meet a metamour, now I have a visual image of her. I know what she looks like, and my brain has probably informed me that she's way prettier/thinner/sexier/whatever than I am. Mental images of her with my partner intrude no matter what I do to fend them off, though I do shut them down as much as I'm able.
I think for the majority of people, meeting their metamours does help, but I also think it's important to note that that doesn't work out well for everyone.
If you do choose to meet her other partner, I hope it works to help you get past the jealousy. Because "just meet your metamours, then you won't feel that way" is quite common advice among poly people, I do want to put in that for some of us, meeting the metamours makes the insecurity and fear *worse*, not better.
Personally, if I don't know a metamour, my brain doesn't have a lot to play with in terms of my anxiety and depression creating worst-case scenarios. All I know is there's this woman named Whatever who my partner's seeing, and there are still fears and insecurities, but there's little to hang them on. But if I meet a metamour, now I have a visual image of her. I know what she looks like, and my brain has probably informed me that she's way prettier/thinner/sexier/whatever than I am. Mental images of her with my partner intrude no matter what I do to fend them off, though I do shut them down as much as I'm able.
I think for the majority of people, meeting their metamours does help, but I also think it's important to note that that doesn't work out well for everyone.