How to overcome insecurities

D

Dreammy

New member
Hi all, I am new to open relationships and polyamory, and am still struggling with old mindsets and insecurities, to my surprise I must admit.

I have entered a new relationship half a year ago and the we both were very clear on that it should be polyamorous. Before that we both only played or partially experimented with open relationships, but not practiced it fully.

So we have developed our relationship the last months. We are very connected but enjoy our independence also and have busy lives. I am open to find other partners to connect with emotionally, but I haven't actively searched for such because I was quite fulfilled with what I have with my partner now. I did have some occasional play partners in between, but I didn't really enjoy it. So for me it's either another partner with an emotional connection or nothing, and that takes time and effort.

Now my partner is a bit different in this matter. For him the emotional part doesn't seem to play such a big role, but he rather likes to connect to others in the sense of trying out new things, "helping" other experience new things sexually and really just being accommodating, and to get affirmation out of it.

The concrete situation I am struggling with is the following. I have been traveling over the summer for 3 weeks. Before I left we talked about him being with others (which would be the first time since we got together). I must say I was surprised about myself that I had a reaction to that, but I got defensive, but eventually worked it out with myself in a way, and "allowed" my partner to be with others, also sexually, while I am gone. We agreed he wouldn't tell me about it until I am back, so that I don't have "to worry" or get distressed on my travels. This worked all fine really. And we talked and messaged a lot also while I was away.

So when I came back and we were together again, I asked him if and what had happened. And he told me that he has been with two others, on to different occasions. Despite what we agreed and that I thought I was ok, I reacted again to this. I don't know if it is jealousy, I am not really jealous, I was happy that he had a good time and enjoyed himself. My reaction was more based on my insecurities, not being enough, losing my partner if he prefers to be with others rather, and so on...

I must admit I don't like these reaction that really come out of nowhere sometimes. I strongly believe in a polyamorous lifestyle and the fact that love is abundant. For me it is like that, because my feelings for my partner don't change, even when I am emotionally attracted to others (which has happend). It is complimentary. And I assume it would be the same for my partner then...

So I really don't like and do not understand why I react this way, beside the fact that I seem to do a lot of work with myself still.

As a consequence of this situation, now I feel like there is a crack in our relationship. Partially because he did not tell me when he was with others, even though that is totally irrational from me, because we agreed it to be that way. I really struggle with having that totally unconditional trust towards him which I had before. I must admit I hate myself for that.

He is totally considerate, makes time for me, is catering for my needs. So why do I have to reacted this way, when I want to cater for his needs... and how can I heal that crack I got...

Sorry, this got longer than expected... Hope somebody has some tips or advice... I would really appreciate it.
 
Hi, I think you are being too hard on yourself. It's perfectly normal to have some insecurities. It's only worrying if you act out too much based on these and mistreat your partner(s).
And he told me that he has been with two others, on to different occasions. Despite what we agreed and that I thought I was ok, I reacted again to this.... I must admit I don't like these reaction that really come out of nowhere sometimes.
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In fact, your reaction wasn't unexpected... since you made the 'don't tell me until later' agreement specifically to not having to deal with shitty feelings while you travel. So you got the shitty feelings afterwards. Could make space for the reaction to happen in.
As a consequence of this situation, now I feel like there is a crack in our relationship. Partially because he did not tell me when he was with others, even though that is totally irrational from me, because we agreed it to be that way.
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Could call it a learning experience, apologize to your partner and ask to do things differently next time.
"You know, I have learned that waiting with telling me later isn't helping as much as I thought. Could we try it differently next time? Like ____ (insert what might be a better agreement)."

In general, your feeling need more compassion from you. They are bound to happen and they are clues pointing to your values, beliefs and past trauma. They are something to live with and live through, not something to fight against. Do you know what I mean? :eek:
 
I think Tinwen has great advice, Dreammy.

Contrary to popular belief, people who are intellectually "on board" with polyamory can, and often DO, feel negative emotions (such as jealousy, insecurity, even resentment and anger) when they have to face the fact of a partner's experiences with others - especially if the person is new to poly or suddenly hit with new information out of the blue.

This is all quite normal; so normal as to almost be expected. Not everyone feels "compersion" straight away, or sometimes ever.

This is only a problem if the feelings are either not acknowledged and the person tries to shove their real feelings down inside (repression)... or if it causes significant on-going distress, an inability to accept the partner's other relationship/s, and/or lashing out at a partner in anger or jealousy (repeated meltdowns, verbal abuse or trying to control the partner's actions through emotional blackmail, constrictive or unrealistic "rules", threats, or something else).

As you've realised, most of the negative feelings about a partner's other relationships are due to insecurity. Insecurity can be irrational or rational, depending on the overall quality of the existing relationship and the past history of the people concerned.

At this point, I don't think you have too much cause for concern. You may wish to analyse the deeper reasons for your insecurities around this issue, and make any requests or negotiate new agreements with your partner that reflect your feelings and better meet your needs in the future.
 
I had a similar experience early on in my relationship with MrS, 20-something years ago (details in my Journey blog). I was angry with myself for having those feelings, I didn't expect them and didn't want them. I agree with the others, be kind to yourself, this doesn't mean you can't do poly, it just might mean that you need more practice.
 
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