How to re-energize primary relationship?

[nichtdaisy]

Friends,

I would love some help here, if you have any to offer. I am deep in the mental rabbit-hole in a secondary relationship. It is supposed to be nothing more involved than a friends-with-benefits, as he and I are both in primary relationships. Our primary partners aren't supportive of our secondary relationship. In my case, my primary partner, while polyamorous in theory, is not really accepting of it in practice. I've felt justified, given that I have his tacit permission, because up until now, I have been able to prioritize my primary relationship, and i feel no less devoted to him. But, this has shifted. While I am not investing more in the secondary, and have a firm sense of the limitations (its about sex, sex, sex, sex...) its been wonderfully distracting, and I am having an increasingly hard time tuning into my primary. My primary and I have our own set of problems, and that is all that I see.

I hate seeing myself be so absent with my primary, and yet, there are things that are deeply frustrating about him. I feel like I have gotten stuck in a rut, at the moment, where I just want to keep amusing myself with the secondary. Something feels off to me if I would rather text with the secondary than enjoy lovely face-to-face time with my primary. My primary is much more available to me than my secondary.

These days, I just have no desire to "bring it" to my primary, even though I know in my heart that the relationship he offers me is much more durable than the fleeting connection I have with my secondary.

Should I be concerned? Or, should I allow myself to feel a little distracted, knowing that in due time, I'll return to what feels more enduring? It just feels awful to be so mentally and emotionally absent. I am not otherwise absent - I am very supportive to my primary, as he has been slowly reentering the job market after almost a year of unemployment (that phase was so frustrating and I know fueled my discontent and my propensity to see someone else).

This sucks!

 

[nichtdaisy]

To elaborate a little, in the time that my primary was unemployed (and even prior to that), I acted as his caretaker as well as his girlfriend. It's ironic to me, now that he is employed (although in stop-gap work, not in the career of his choice), that I finally act on those frustrations and start seeing someone else. This is, in part, facilitated by logistics. When he was unemployed, we spent much more time together than he does now that he is employed. I simply did not have the time to see someone else when we were together 24/7, except those times that I was working my 1.5 jobs. Even though he is working, I still feel like his caretaker (at the expense of being his girlfriend) since those patterns are now ingrained.

Maybe I should be more forgiving of myself?

 

[graviton]

I'm sure part of his problem is that he feels emasculated. Having his wife with another man by itself can feel very emasculating, couple that with your seeming resentment at his unemployed or under employed status is probably destroying his self esteem. Most men feel that being a provider and lover are their purpose for being on this planet. You have undermined that to some extent. food for thought

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

What's your desired outcome? It's hard to give feedback without knowing what you would like instead.

I'm going to take a stab in the dark... and just lift up what pops up to me then.

I find it interesting you use the word "caretaker" -- what's that mean in the context of this relationship?

My primary and I have our own set of problems, and that is all that I see.

What are the problems?

I hate seeing myself be so absent with my primary, and yet, there are things that are deeply frustrating about him.

Like what? Behaviors he does/does not do? Behaviors you do/do not do?

Should I be concerned? Or, should I allow myself to feel a little distracted, knowing that in due time, I'll return to what feels more enduring?

"More enduring" vs "caretaker" vs "in a rut" -- which is it there in that relationship? There's several very different nuances there.

You are already concerned or wouldn't be posting. To me you seem to be asking "Should I do something about my concerns or ignore it?" Given that ignoring it is leading to feelings of more frustrations and detachment and you don't sound like you want to detach? I'd suggest doing something about it. Even if for now it is just thinking and better identifying and articulating (even to just yourself) what it is that bugs you here. SPECIFICALLY. So far this is all very vague.

Once you ID the issues than you can think about HOW to talk to him about them.

Galagirl

 

[nichtdaisy]

Thanks for responding, you two.

My boyfriend (not husband - I am unmarried) has been underemployed or unemployed for most of our time together. He'll be the first to admit that he doesn't care to work hard. To his credit, when I first met him, he was finishing a masters program, and for the last 18 months, he's been unable to find a job in that field. Granted, there have been weeks at a time when he hasn't really looked for a job, and he has lived off unemployment. He finally hit the wall of reality a few months ago and applied for restaurant work. He got some pretty quickly.

There was a time last spring where he finally had to leave the house he was squatting in for a few months because one of his fellow squatters turned violent. I took him in for 6 weeks. His new place is not much better, too dangerous for me to stay in, not to mention that he doesn't care enough to have real furniture for me to sleep on, not to mention that his housemate doesn't want female guests, so my boyfriend is over all of the time. Doesn't help with the utilities (because he has no money), subtly eats more than he provides, and it creates a situation where he has all the privacy he wants because he can go back to his house, but I never have mine since he drops in on me, unannounced, to pick up / drop off stuff, cook in my kitchen, etc.

I have my responsibility in creating this dynamic, and he and I revisit it when issues come up. But, it always comes down to, he doesn't have the means right now to reciprocate as a provider (he has to pay off debts before he can provide to my household), he is eternally grateful for the care I give him, and he claims to be totally devoted to me (which, in his way, is his way of reciprocating)

I guess it isn't surprising that I want to be with someone else. It helps to write it out that way.

Ideally, I would want him to have his own FUNCTIONAL place that he took pride in; a place where I could go and partake of the same comforts he gets from me. I would want him to stop dropping in on my place, unannounced. THere is more that I would want, but I have to send this off and get on to my next job!

 

[nichtdaisy]

I am also his caretaker because he can be a binge drinker. He's mostly functional, so its been tough for him and for us all to come to terms that he may be an alcoholic. I have bailed his butt way too many times. This is another thing we talk long and hard about. I'm not doing a good job selling you on this guy, am I? At any given point in time, he is trying to not let alcohol get the best of him, and I have had faith in his own efforts for a long time. Something tells me he needs treatment, and I know enough to know that I can't force him. Its a tough case, since he's sweet and meek and retreats, rather than acts out, when he's drinking. He's put me in the tough spot of saying that my influence prevents him from drinking more than he would. I know that is a codependency red-flag. Ever since he has been employed (for the last month or two), the drinking has been less of an issue, but it contributes to the bad caretaker dynamic between us.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ideally, I would want him to have his own FUNCTIONAL place that he took pride in; a place where I could go and partake of the same comforts he gets from me.

You cannot control him or instill that desire in him. His "willing and able" -- all belong to HIM. He hasn't taken steps to make that happen for himself. Accept it. Lacks ambition/gumption/depressed/alcoholic/who knows what else.

Point is -- doesn't meet your needs in this area at this time. Not looking likely to in near or distant future. Dead end. Could remember that not all dating partners are destined to be long haul runners.

I would want him to stop dropping in on my place, unannounced.

• Tell him to call first. Stop coming over unannounced.
• Take back your key if he has one. Change locks.
• Answer door and say "I'm sorry, you did not call first like I asked. Not a good time for visit. Bye!" Shut door.
• Could just not answer door.
• Break up -- no more reason to visit you.
• Combo of the above. Something else. Many other things you could do.

But those are all examples of behaviors YOU can control.

It always comes down to, he doesn't have the means right now to reciprocate as a provider (he has to pay off debts before he can provide to my household), he is eternally grateful for the care I give him, and he claims to be totally devoted to me (which, in his way, is his way of reciprocating)

Most people I know do BOTH -- knock back on their student loans/mortgage/cars/"big bills" WHILE also dealing with costs of daily living.

He's been avoiding his loans and mooching on you for daily living for 18 mos? Is "eternally grateful and total devotion" enough to make it nice for you? Doesn't sound like it to me.

He's put me in the tough spot of saying that my influence prevents him from drinking more than he would. I know that is a codependency red-flag. Ever since he has been employed (for the last month or two), the drinking has been less of an issue, but it contributes to the bad caretaker dynamic between us.

So what? You are not put on this earth to be his lifeboat, savior, angel or "drinking thermometer." He is responsible for taking best care of himself.

And you knowing this is a red flag but still dating him is YOU taking best care of YOU how?

Bailing his butt and sticking around does NOT contribute to the caretaker dynamic between you? Could stop contributing. It takes two to tango.

I would dump him. You might be great for him, but he stinks for you. YOU are responsible for the pursuit of your own happiness and I don't think you are sounding joyously happy here.

Don't stay just cuz you want to avoid feeling guilty/sad for breaking up with him. Not every person you date is destined to be a long haul runner.

You already sound like you feel sad now, so may as well pick which stinks least:

• Sad + end it and heal and feel better in time
• sad and keep dragging on and on with no end or relief in sight.

Not all choice in life are "win or lose" -- some are just "which stinks less?"

I'm so sorry you struggle right now.

I hope you become willing and able to get out of this unpleasant dynamic. Right now you sound able enough since you have your own home/job... but not yet willing.

And that's only something you can determine. I think letting yourself detach, and NOT re-energizing the primary relationship could be healthier for you in this scenario.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[graviton]

I'm sorry to sound so judgmental but why are you with a self admitted lazy alcoholic who squats in house?

 

[gorgeouskitten]

reading through.... I have to say you might want to move on. Ive supported someone in this manner for 11 years and it only gets hard and you only get more resentful. We have kids to be watched, so I give him leeway. but it doesn't make it that much easier.

 

[nichtdaisy]

Thanks, everyone, for your responses, as hard-hitting as they may seem. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but the primary relationship I am in now... it crept up on me. My guy and I started out as friends-with-benefits, occasional lovers, and for a couple of years, we were in and out of each others' lives. It took me a year to see that he might have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and to see that he had some internal struggles with authority that sidelined his ambitions. It was in our third phase as lovers that things began to feel more serious, in part, because I took him in temporarily when his housing situation fell apart, and that added more intimacy and immediacy to our bond, etc. etc. Much like a frog may not sense that he is being boiled alive if he is immersed in a slowly-heating kettle that starts cold (terrible analogy, because not ALL has been negative about the relationship), my relationship has crept up on me this way, as well. For all of our shortcomings, my guy is kind-hearted, sweet, funny, smart (although not ambitious), and physically attractive (when sober). He's my best friend who also happens to by my lover. In many ways, he's Peter Pan, the man who never grew up. He's has the same lack of accountability as a 20-year old, but he also has an almost naive kindness and trustworthiness about him that you find in young people. He is in his early 40s. I am a couple of years younger than him, yet I often feel like his mother, not his lover. There are times when I wish that we could just be friends; I would gladly give up on the sex to regain my autonomy and composure.

I started this thread with a different question; how do I stay tuned into my primary guy when it feels like a secondary connection, one that has hard limits as a relationship, is sexually and emotionally sweeping me away. But, I think I reached out here for help, in part, because I am deeply ambivalent about my primary guy, feeling stuck between wanting to move on from the binge-drinking slacker, but not wanting to part with his kindness.

 

[GalaGirl]

I take the liberty of clumping "like with like" so you can see it how I see it.

I would gladly give up on the sex to regain my autonomy and composure.

wanting to move on from the binge-drinking slacker,

These things you want? All achievable stuff

• Stop sharing sex/dates
• choose to regain your autonomy and composure
• break up and begin to move on from this rship

and all behavior YOU can control.

I'm not hearing "joyful yes!" to stay here. So could call it a "working no" and do the split. Move it forward, not keep it in the stuck with your behavior. The feelings will catch up after. To me feelings ensue after behavior.

Right now you are doing (staying behavior) and you feel what? Ugh. Something has to change for you to feel better in time.

I get that you are thinking it out, and you need time to arrive at "Alright, that's what I've decided I'm gonna do" and then time to actaully do it and execute. But I think you are part way there already. All it takes to start the process of "stop feeling ambivalent" is to resolve yourself to a decision. You seem like you are on the path.

There are times when I wish that we could just be friends;

but not wanting to part with his kindness.

That "try to be friends as exes" part cannot be done by you yourself. It requires both people putting in effort as exes. But opportunity to do it comes AFTER you do the first part. It doesn't come before.

Where and with whom he does (kind behavior) is up to him, not you.

Go with meeting your wants/needs met first -- to be free of sex share here and dating here. Then see what happens next. Perhaps you do become good exes-friends and you keep receiving kind behavior as his friend. But you can't do this part before doing the break up part

Perhaps organizing your thoughts that way (like with like) helps you find relief from the "back and forth" inside. Because you really sound pretty sensible about it all. Just still thinking it out and organizing. And a touch of anticipatory grief too.

Hang in there!

GG

 

[IndieSolo]

It seems to me that you are doing both yourself and him (your primary bf) a huge disservice by staying in this relationship and putting up with things that do either of you no good. Frankly, your forgiving and generous nature is actually making it easier for him to stay stuck. In 12-step programs, they would call you an "enabler."

Some addicts need to hit rock bottom before they do anything to change their lives for the better. Maybe your leaving him is eactly the impetus he needs to get off his ass.

As for yourself, this relationship sounds soul-sucking. If this situation was something a close friend was struggling with, what would you tell her?