How to react? I am poly, in a closed relationship, got cheated on

T

Tomte

New member
Hello everybody,

Thank you all in advance for reading and your advice on my situation.

I connected this thread together with my first mandatory post of "Hello, I'm new."

I am from northern Germany and 21. I have travelled around the world. I am back now in my hometown and working till I start studying. I am in a good knowledge about polyamory and I want to start relationships in the future as poly, but have no practical experience yet. Unfortunately, there is almost no community in my hometown. So I am on my own and have to be patient to find some people, but doesn´t matter.

I am in a relationship at the moment with a wonderful woman. She is not poly and does not want to become it. She doesn´t know a lot about polyamory and is conservative in this aspect. She will go to New Zealand in 2 months, for a year, and while we won´t continue our relationship actively, certainly we will keep a close contact with each other.

She knows that I am poly, but she is giving me all I need right now, and I don´t have the desire to meet more women. I am fully in love with her. I gave her the option to meet other men, but I promised her I'd be faithful. Wrong I know, but I did it with the expectation that she would refuse the option, and she did. We are together now just 2 months.

Last weekend, she was quite drunk. She kissed my best friend for a half a minute and left him afterwards with an immediate bad conscience. I knew that they have a high sympathy for each other, but believed in the platonic relationship in this case. Okay. Two hours ago, she told me about it, or rather she wrote me a letter and apologized, etc. I left afterwards and drove home to think about it, it told her that polite and totally calm.

My first thought as soon as I finished the letter was weird for me. I was not angry or jealous. I was just confused and unsure how to react. I don´t care about a little kiss, but in a closed relationship she broke the rules and cheated on me. I don´t know how to talk with her or my friend. I am not angry, but for them, I should be.

Hold on, I am angry, yes, but just because she hurt my trust. We live mono for her and she is breaking it. She did it because she was drunk. Or perhaps it's more? Maybe she can find herself in polyamory in the future and I can make with her now the first step?

I tried to figure out her feelings for him, but she just said that she was sorry, and doesn´t have to do something with him. She is loving me, and it was just wrong, with no more background. But can this happen without anything. She didn´t even enjoy it. I like to kiss, but I do it because of a high sympathy for a person, not just anyone. She can´t tell me that.

So no, it's not really the right thing to get polyamorous with her. But I have to seriously to think about if I still want to be with her in a closed relationship. I think about making it an open relationship. But now I just think about a solution for my reaction. Still I´m fully in love with her and do not want to be with another girl currently. But I can feel a feeling of change of this opinion.

How to react? Just being honest is right. I think and say I don´t care, but do I not have to do anything? I wanna give this situation a more important role. It's hard to describe. What do you think?

The situation with my friend is different. He knows that I know what he did and he doesn´t have a clue about my poly thinking. In my community I can´t just say I don´t care. My image in the group is not in line with this reaction. And it could lead to further situations of disrespect. He absolutely disrespected me with what he did. This is hard for me to handle, too.

Okay, I think the most is told. I thank you so much for answering or advice. If you need more details for an opinion just ask. You can see by how I am writing, I am lost and can't find structure, either in this text nor in my thoughts.

Kind regards from Bremen,
Tomte
 
You are 21. She is young too? Youth is for making mistakes, and learning and growing from them.

She knows you are interested in polyamory. You gave her your permission about other men, albeit hoping she wouldn't give herself permission. In that context, I would drop the angry routine.

You didn't get to control how it came about. So what? That's what you seem really pissed off about. You didn't get to control how it evolved. I'd guess you are also a bit frustrated because you have been mono "for her," and didn't get to be your polyamorous self. Yes, she did do something stupid. I wouldn't make irreversible decisions about that right now, though.

Use the experiment/situation to show her how it's possible to be in love in one place, and still be interested in another place. You have a opportunity here to broaden her horizons. It`s up to you to seize that opportunity, or to chose to wallow in being upset about it.

But do this all in a few days' time. You need to just vent right now (which you are doing). Let yourself feel pissy (without attacking anyone verbally) and give yourself some time to mull it over. In a few days, you might see the glass as half full, not half empty. If I were you, I wouldn't react right now. Just give it time, and you might see various perspectives on this.
 
Could she have done this to see what it would be like? To test the waters? Or even more so, test your water? You say you want to be poly. Hopefully you mean for your partners to be open, too.

You have a right to be upset about her cheating. But what was the reasoning behind her cheating? You might have told her the surface about polyamory, and maybe she misunderstood. You might want to communicate that and see where it goes. She might have just done what she thought you meant as poly.

Figure out her motives. I realize you have a reason to be upset, but be prepared to discuss it openly and honestly.

I would have a harder time with your friend. He didn't know the background, yet he did this. He was cheating with the intent of cheating. He's a dick. I am not saying to drop him as a friend, but that's not very good friend behaviour.
 
Last edited:
Ariakas said:
I would have a harder time with the friend. He didn't know, and did this. He was cheating with the intent of cheating. He's a dick. I'm not saying to drop him as a friend, but that's not very good friend behaviour.
Click to expand...

Let's not be so harsh. There is a lot of ambiguity in this situation and communication is not completely open. Let's face it, they are young. And it happened in her presence, which completely changes the dynamic. Calling this "cheating" is a little over the top. It seems more like stretching the boundaries, and Tomte is partly surprised at her own reaction.

Give it all some time. Don't overreact.
 
FYI, Tomte is male.
 
sdguitarguy said:
Let's not be so harsh. There is a lot of ambiguity in this situation and communication is not completely open. Let's face it, they are young. It happened in her presence, which completely changes the dynamic. Calling this "cheating" is a little over the top. It seems more like stretching the boundaries, and Tomte is partly surprised at her own reaction.

Give it all some time and don't overreact.
Click to expand...

I am not overreacting. If Tomte feels his friend cheated with his gf, he was a jerk.

Being young doesn't excuse you from having some sense of responsibility. Being drunk doesn't excuse it, either.

I was once the person who was the one being cheated with. I was being a selfish jerk. Period. I deserved all the backlash I got for what I did.
 
Last edited:
I'm with Ariakis; the "friend" was being a jerk, and owes Tomte an apology, given that the rules of that friendship are clearly that they aren't to be smooching each other's partners. What I, or other poly people, might think of those rules are sort of beside the point, since they exist in this case.

Tomte said:
How to react? Just being honest is right, I think. I say I don´t care, but do I not have to do anything? I wanna give this situation a more important role, hard to describe. What do you think?
Click to expand...

Yes, you can say, "I don't really feel angry or jealous, but I still think what happened was somewhat important." The root of the problem is that you are not in the kind of relationship you want to be in, whereas she is, and nevertheless, still gets to smooch people. But, look, this relationship is going to go through a big change in two months. I wouldn't put a lot of time and energy into processing a kiss. Try to enjoy what you've got while you're spending these last couple of months, and then think about what you might have learned from this experience.

I'd also suggest that next time you don't give up on getting the kind of relationship you want just because you're getting "all you need" two months into the relationship.
 
As for dealing with her, if she's going away in a couple of months, enjoy the remaining time with her and then move on when she's gone. Promises of faithfulness are romantic and mushy, certainly. They're also naive and impractical. If you're both still interested when she returns, great. Until then, get on with your life and find more love.


Tomte said:
The situation with my friend is different. He knows that I know what he did, but he doesn´t have a clue about my poly thinking. In my community I can´t just say I don´t care. My image in the group is not in line with this reaction. And it could lead to further situations of disrespect. He absolutely disrespected me with that what he did, and this is hard for me to handle.
Click to expand...

If you feel you really have to respond, then respond. I can think of many different ways to respond, depending on what sort of response you'd like to get. They range from removing him from your life without comment, to leaving him unconscious and bloody for the slight (and I'm unlikely to seriously consider the latter these days).

I will say that having no response to the whole thing can also send a message.
 
Tomte, I think if you want to salvage your friendship with this guy, talking to him is inevitable. You mentioned feeling like he was disrespectful to you, especially since he has no idea of your poly leanings. I think he should be told just that-- what he did felt like disrespect, which is an entirely different feeling from the jealousy he might expect you are feeling. Telling him is a way of demanding and regaining that respect, I think. It could save the friendship.

I'm a little uncertain exactly what you are feeling as far as your girlfriend's part in this, but everyone has good advice for you. I hope you find clarity.
 
I think I would use this as a teaching moment. You now get to tell her what poly is not. It's not cheating behaviour. It's loving, caring, respecting, empathizing behaviour.

Drunk or not drunk, 30 seconds is long enough to register what you are doing and stop, I think. That kind of long kissing is the beginning of some sexy bonding. Kissing is what gears me to figure out if I want to have sex with a person. if I were her, this is what I would've kissed him for-- to find out if he was fuck-worthy.

Friend? Yeah, a phone call (not an email) saying that he owes you an apology, and can buy you lunch to say that to your face would be appropriate, I think. I think you can be light-hearted about it, but firm about what he needs to do to make it up to you.

Once you are sitting with him, and he has apologized, you can tell him what it made you feel like, and that while you appreciate that he is interested in your girlfriend, he needs to check that at the door when he sees her. She is off limits until such time as you have opened your relationship, or it's over between you two.
 
Thank you a lot for all your advice and this lively discussion.

I am quite busy over the day and have no time to respond properly, but at nighttime I will answer then.

So far, I have talked with her a long time, and we had a great evening yesterday.

Thanks,
Tomte
 
Hey,

I just had a busy week and didn´t have the time to chill out.

Thank you again for your posts. They really helped me to find a solution.

Ich reacted like this: impatient as I was, I couldn´t stay calm. I was impatient to show her how angry or disappointed I was. So I talked with her in the evening. I forgave her. I really could see that she was suffering the whole day, because I didn´t write or call her. I just told her all my thoughts and tried to get some more information about this situation.

When something like this is happening, then there is always an active person and a passive person. She couldn´t tell me whether my best friend started to kiss her or if she kissed him. This would have been something really interesting for me to find out how she is really thinking. But after the conversation, I think that my best friend did the action, which is why I forgave her.

Afterwards, we had a beautiful evening. The later the evening, the more I could see how much she regretted what she did. She is in no way poly. I could hear clearly how she was talking and thinking. What a pity.

One reason why she did it was, she was so wasted that she could not calculate how I would react to it. She couldn´t imagine. She knows I am poly, but she never had experience with that before. She expected everything and nothing. With my reaction I could show her that there is a different way.

Yes, Superjast, I was able to bring her polyamory a bit closer and more understandable. That is really good. Now she knows more about me and my feelings, hopefully.

But it is now very different with my best friend. Yes, he is a dick, and I will react like AutumnalTone wrote. He does know what he did. He knows that well. He also knows that I know. So I won´t go to him and start to talk. I will let him know with my silence that he has to act. If he is not man enough to talk to me, then he is losing more and more my friendship. Already he has lost my respect.

Also, I agree with AutumnalTone to just enjoy the rest of our time. I am a bit typically German in this relation. I do things 100%, no half-half thing. So I'll enjoy the time with her now, in this moment. I will not overreact and waste this time. In 2 months we are going our separate ways. I will find new love and she will find new love. Maybe if the future wants it, we can meet each other again.

If I would think in a longer term with her, I would spend more attention on what happened. If we would be able to stay longer together I wouldn´t choose a closed relationship.

Okay. Thank you again for everything. I really appreciate your posts. To be sure, I will stay with you on this forum.

Cheers,
Tomte
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top