How to sign a sympathy card. As a couple? Or Not?

[Orlandobif]

My wife and I were in a triad with another woman (FFF triad) for 2 years. I left the relationship but they continued and on approach to 2 more year for almost 4. I still care about her girlfriend and when my wife mentioned her dog passed away I wanted to mail a sympathy card as I would normally. I asked if she wanted to sign it or if it was from me. She paused a while to think about the dynamic of that and did sign. We do not write W&W. We sign nearly all cards with separate words and a signature as we did this one.

First, I addressed it to the girlfriend’s entire family. So it was from our family to her family which includes a coparenting husband (hostile/divorcing) and her two children I think 10 and 15 years old.

The pause was appropriate. Is it from US as a couple to THEM as a family and was that a weird thing because they think of themselves as a couple. They had been texting various condolences and my wife would not have sent a card. That’s typically what I initiate.

In this situation and from either angle, would you have signed a card together as a couple and sent it to the girlfriend and family or do you think you would have sent the card as from just you or from the other angle, not signed it?

 

[Bluebird]

I would have done as you did - ask my partners if they wanted to be included on the card, and then accept their answer.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Orlandobif,

What's W&W, if you don't mind my asking? That aside, it seems simplest to send a card just from you, then have your wife send a card separately. However, it does seem appropriate to ask your wife how she wants to do it. As it is, I think you did fine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Speaking for myself, if it was a message to express support after a human death (or some major destruction or similar life-changing trauma), we would have sent a single handwritten note saying succinctly "we're always here for you" plus our phone number (indicating we're sincere) & maybe some cash.

In your instance... well, it's you that finds the card significant, & I'd say it's you who should sign it.

Thinking back to the loss of a cat (together for 11 years & 1,500 miles), if I'd have received a card in the first months, though I would have respected the intent, it would've just started me crying again.

 

[FeatherFool]

I think you did just fine. Asking if your partner wanted to be included in the sympathy card was thoughtful, and I think second-guessing someone else's interpretation of your sympathies is a sure path to overthinking what was meant as a sincere gesture.

And, honestly, I still have unopened sympathy cards for my parrot's passing (had her for 23 years), and that was years ago. The cards live in a drawer because I can't bear to open them, but also can't just throw them away. That someone tried to express their sorrow for my sorrow was special to me: no matter what might actually in the card, or how it was signed. The contents never mattered to me, but the intent behind them did.