How would you feel if your ex told you something disillusioning about your SO?

Murf had a female friend who he went on 2 dates with 6 months before we met. He decided he wasn't into her and stopped seeing her. Since they'd known each other since high school and shared a distant social circle, they wanted to remain friends.

A year into our relationship we changed our relationship status into "in a relationship" on Facebook. Butch isn't on Facebook. When S saw this she immediately messaged me and began accusing Murf of being a douche bag who would break my heart. And a whole lot more. I answered her with a "thanks for your concern" message but since we had been together at that point a year, I was sure he wasn't a douche.

Well, that set her off and a huge shit storm began, with her trying to ruin his relationship anyway she could, all because he had moved on.

OP, you are his ex. Leave his current relationship alone. I too question your motives to stick your nose in your ex-boyfriend's relationship, especially since it sounds like he is happy.
 
Unless you actually know something is going on, and aren't just basing your concerns over gossip that you've heard, I would stay out of it, for sure. At the moment, you've just heard through someone that she's seeing someone else. That may or may not be true. Going to your friend and telling him anything at this point is just spreading gossip. I agree that you'd be better off going to her and telling her what you've heard in a non-confrontational manner. Things like this can get really blown out of proportion really quickly.
 
I want to make sure my friend isn't putting all his eggs in a broken basket, or at least that he is aware of the basket's flaws.
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If that is the goal, deal with him directly.

You could make your friend aware of what you heard, and then leave it to him to decide what (if anything) he feels like doing about it. And have faith in the friendship, that it isn't flimsy, and a simple honest question isn't going to be a big thing.

Keep it simple and honest. Maybe something like:

"Look, you and I are exes. That's not changing. We're friends. As your friend, I wanted to make you aware that I heard Erika is seeing Ned. You seem to believe that you and Erika are not seeing anyone else. I'm not trying to make waves. I want things for you and Erika to go well. What I heard could be wrong and behind the times. I hope so. ​
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I didn't know what to do, and you never told me your preference, so I'm going out on a limb here. I'm just giving you a heads-up so you are aware. ​
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Could you reassure me that this is old news? ​
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Would you tell me what you prefer I do as your friend if/when I hear things in the future? Should I let you know, or ignore it, or what? I need guidance. I hope I did not step on your toes." ​

Then leave it to him to decide what to do about it and clarify how he wants to you behave in future when you hear things that might concern him.

GG
 
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One of the great frustrations on the infidelity board is how many people knew and said nothing. The cheated-on spouse often feels almost as betrayed by those people who let them frolic along in blissful ignorance, as by the cheater.
 
If I were the "cheated on" spouse I would want to know. However, I would want to to be told nicely.

I love the poster who said she would take folks out to coffee and let them both know what is going on around them.

I have been told before about both my late and my current guys. I usually say thank you and let the conversation drop, no matter how close a friend that tells me. Even when I show no emotional response to the friend I follow up, if I need to.

While I do get information from others and listen politely, ultimately the relationships are at home.

Difference between poly and cheating: if one of the partners doesn't know because it would hurt them, hurt you or mess up your life, it's cheating. Consent without conversation is coercion.
 
Tim is not just an ex. He is your friend. Some people can't stay friends with their exes, so they don't understand that the relationship can be different. I have several exes I am friends with and we can talk about our current relationships with no weirdness. However, you referred to him in your OP as an "ex," so is there more energy or motive behind this than you really want to admit?

If it really is just out of concern for a friend, I see nothing wrong with telling him about it. You can either look into it and verify it first somehow, or tell him you heard a nasty rumor and thought he should know what someone is saying about his gf. Then just say it like you would tell any friend. Or get your bf to do it, I see nothing wrong with that either. He would just be a messenger, but you would have to make sure he doesn't paint YOU in the wrong way if he does it (always better not to have the "Telephone Game" effect).



Dagferi said:
Myob....
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Dagferi said:
. . . mind your own business.
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<giggle> I still see MYOB and think "Make Your Own Bed!" It always takes me a long time to connect the letters with what it really means.
 
nycindie said:
<giggle> I still see MYOB and think "Make Your Own Bed!" It always takes me a long time to connect the letters with what it really means.
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Honestly, the first time I mis-read it as BYOB - bring your own beer! I only thought, "what odd advice," for a second before I re-read it. :)
 
I would say, after reading everything, if your motives are pure, you should take it to Tim with qualifications that it was something you heard. I think Galagirl's potential conversation is excellent.
 
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