Husband agreed to open marriage now is being unfair

M

mr21

New member
I have been with my husband, Andy, for 15 yrs. (We have 4 children.)

He initiated a threesome with a male friend of ours, Blaine, in 2008. We did this with him about three times. Andy had always told me that he fantasizes about me with another man. This past August we were at a party and when we left, went to Blaine's place. Andy and I started getting intimate. Then Andy left the room, sent Blaine in and left... not just the room, the house. He literally left me there with Blaine and went home. I went home the next morning, upset that he had left me there without discussing it, but we made up and had amazing sex.

I then started to think maybe his fantasy was really me having sex with another man and then telling him about it. So, a month later we did it with Blaine again. And a month after that, we went out with Blaine and another woman, Flora. Andy hooked up with Flora and I with Blaine, in separate rooms. Each time we went home and had amazing sex.

So in early November, I approached Andy with the idea of an open marriage. He said he was for it, but requested that I not come home and try to have sex with him. Fair enough.

This past Thursday I went out with Blaine for the first time without Andy. Today, Saturday, I tried to be affectionate with Andy, and he told me to respect his wishes. He doesn't want to have sex with me for at least 5-6 days after me being with Blaine, like he's punishing me.

My desire to see Blaine is not sexual. He does not make me cum. I think it's because I am still not comfortable with him enough to just let go. On the other hand, Andy pleases me every time. My enjoyment from being with Blaine comes from a weird desire to be wanted and needed and appreciated. I know it sounds warped.

So now I don't know what to do. Is Andy playing mind games? Why was it okay with him when he had the control, but now that I have the control I feel like he is trying to make me feel dirty? I am not happy; I don't feel good about this. In fact, I feel like crying, not because he won't have sex with me, but because I feel like he said, "Okay, lets do this," but really didn't want to, and is now upset with me. But again, me sleeping with another man was okay when he decided for me to, but he needs 5-6 days before making love to me again when I chose to be with the other man.

Is there something wrong with this, or am I missing something?
 
So... have you asked *him* why the 5-6 day rule is in place now, when it didn't bother him in the least before? He's the only one who can tell you what he's thinking, we can only guess. You've *got* to be able to communicate clearly to be able to successfully do what you're doing.
 
I most definitely asked him. He said it's a space he needs. As far as why he didn't need it before, he says because before it was something we did as a couple. To me, I see no difference. Him needing time apart from me sexually makes me feel like I did something wrong. This whole arrangement was supposed to add to our relationship and make a good thing better, but has made me feel awful, not good at all. If this is the way it's going to be, I don't want it.
 
Sorry, that was a little snarky of me. :confused: Of course you asked him.

So, before, you were sleeping with people together causally, and it was enhancing your sex life. Now that you're going on dates without him, and it has the opposite effect. He feels like he needs space. Him feeling weird about it may not be an issue of control on his part, it may be that before it was about fun and now it's about feelings, before you were together and now you're separate. That's hard for many people. The question here is, is he asking for space because he needs it, or because he feels weird and resentful about things, and has told himself this is what he needs, rather than trying to sort out the underlying issues? Or is it because he's trying to make you feel bad?

If he has a history of playing mind games it might be the latter, but I'm inclined to think it's one of the former. Poly affects people in ways they don't expect and don't always know how to express. And the hold on sex affects him as much as it does you. More so, actually, since you have another partner and he doesn't. (It's not your husband's fault Blaine doesn't make you cum yet.)

Tell him that this is making you sad. Ask him if you and he can talk it out; see what the root of his feeling about it is; see if it's going to be a temporary thing or a permanent thing. Then decide if it's worth it to you to keep working on poly, or let it go.
 
What is the goal and purpose of opening up the relationship? Whose idea are all these things? You might want to understand Andy's motivations before you agree to anything else.

It could be a case of buyer's remorse. It looked good in some porn magazine, but in real life, not so much. You're in a six-day quarantine, and it may get longer if you have dates outside the country, so be careful. ;)
 
I'm guessing quite a bit here, but it sounds like Andy really liked 'sharing' you with other men, and then hearing about it later, leading to the great sex between you two. And he liked being with Flora while you were with her husband. It's a pretty common fantasy for many men (and women).

Anyway, it reads like your idea of what an open marriage is might be different from Andy's. He seemed to think things would continue as before, while you believed that the two of you would see people separately. Neither scenario is 'wrong,' as long as both of you understand it and agree what an open marriage means.

Time for long honest talks!
 
We had a long talk last night. Talking and being open and honest with him about my feelings has never been an issue.

Opening up the marriage was my idea. The threesome stuff was Andy's idea. Leaving me alone with Blaine was also his doing in the beginning. I would have never done that on my own without him. I ended up enjoying it more than the threesome. After the first threesome, Andy made me feel bad by telling me that I paid more attention to Blaine than him. So the next time we had a threesome, I could not enjoy myself, because I was too nervous that I wasn't paying equal amounts of attention to him. It was like I couldn't win!

When he'd left me alone, I was like, "Wow, this is nice." I got to be with a man who had been attracted to me for years. I felt like I was his fantasy come true. It felt really good to be wanted and desired by a man who was not my husband. Because Andy left me alone there, I felt that he wanted it like that, for me to sleep with Blaine (or someone) and tell him about it later. He will not admit to that. I still think that is his fantasy, but because it sounds weird, he won't admit to it. Seriously... threesomes are "cool," but letting another man screw your wife when you are not involved is not so "cool."

Thanks for the advice.
 
Jealousy is not rational. The stuff that makes us hot can also make us jealous. He's giving you mixed signals, and I know how confusing that feels (having been there years ago with my husband, a slightly different situation). He's having a hard time telling you what he feels and what he wants because he probably has very mixed feelings about it himself.

At the time, I chose to stop everything with the person I was seeing, because the emotional turmoil was too much. With time, the boundaries became clearer, and communicating was much easier when there weren't so many emotions at play. However, I wasn't in love with the person I stopped seeing, wasn't expecting anything to come out of it, and I didn't have a resource like this forum at the time. Thus, my marriage was by far my first priority, and I wouldn't have been able to do the required communication and balancing at the time, even if I had had the motivation to.

After I stopped seeing that person, my husband and I both took time. We let the open relationship issue be unresolved for some months. With time, both of us got some perspective. The feelings we had became less intense. We were able to understand ourselves and each other better, and were able to communicate clearer boundaries. After that, we haven't had these kind of problems, and are now happily poly.

Only you can decide these things for yourself. Your communication with Andy might be easier if you took a time-out from the open relationship, or even if you just slowed things down. You should assess yourself how important Blaine is to you, since obviously he may not wait around for you and Andy to work on your marriage, particularly if you can't give him a timeline. And you can try to work things out as they are. It isn't impossible in all situations, and only you can know if it can work in yours. What's for sure, it will be more difficult.
 
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It does sound like an issue of control, to me. When the two of you, or Andy alone, decided to have sex with another, or two others, he was fine. When you then took it to the next level, being with a guy who's had a long-standing crush on you, Andy gets jealous and turned off.

The first scenario, to me, sounds more like swinging (focus on sex with no emotions), as hotwifing (him choosing a guy for you to be with and getting turned on by it), or partner-swapping (each of you with a member of the other couple).

The second scenario sounds more like polyamory. Blaine really likes you, and vice versa, so there are emotions involved, not just bodies.

Quite often there is a gender divide. The men are fine with the sex, but not the emotions. The women want the emotions, as well as (perhaps) the sex. Andy might now be afraid that you'll leave him for this guy that cares about you and appreciates you. He might be expressing these fears by not wanting to touch you for several days after you are with Blaine.

If Andy doesn't want to have sex with you for 6 days after you have a loving sexy date with Blaine, and you see Blaine once a week, you'd never have sex with Andy! o_O

At this particular point, it sounds like you are polyamorous, but Andy is a swinger. Only you two can work out how to proceed from here. Andy might be having a lot of the emotions the mono partner does in mono/poly couples. Read up on what he might be fearing by doing a search on this board for former "mono/poly" threads.
 
Well. I have not seen or spoken with Blaine since I left his house Thursday night. That's a whole other issue. Blaine will not call me, text me, contact me on FB... nothing. He says it's not his place to contact me, and he feels as though he is crossing the line by doing so. If I call him, he'll answer, if I text he'll respond, but very briefly. He is even having issues with this.

Honestly, I'm beginning to get turned off by the whole situation. I agree that we (Andy and I) need a break from seeing others to figure out if this is the right thing for us.

As far as a poly/mono relationship, I guess that's where I need the help. I enjoy the swinging part with Andy, but I also really enjoyed the being with Blaine alone. That is why I suggested the open marriage idea. I am not so sure I am okay with either of us becoming emotionally involved. So maybe I am not quite poly. I still need to figure out what exactly I am, what I am feeling, and what I am doing.
 
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