Husband causing conflict and its killing our marriage

[Inaniel]

And I'm trying to work on things with A but pushing M aside for several months isn't the answer, IMO. (Nor my counselors)

I’m very surprised your counselor took a stance on this situation. That seems very unusual and questionable.

It sounds like you opened your relationship for casual dating. That is very very different than intimate long term connections. Your husband is struggling with your connection with M; and withdrawing intimacy from A is exacerbating the situation. In his mind, he is witnessing you drift away into M emotionally, which is something that he probably hasn’t had to face in the past. A tested your loyalty to M and hit a brick wall, he’s trying to figure out where he belongs in your heart. It sounds like A has inner turmoil from this transition, I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for him. Perhaps he doesn’t know what to do and is lashing out at what he perceives as the problem, which is M. And he might be right.

You aren’t casually dating like you were when you and A established your terms, you have fallen in love. You are heading down a path of great change, multiple casual sexual partners is completely different than multiple loving partners. How does M’s wife feel about all of this?

Work with A, develop new terms, and don’t convince yourself M will be there for you when/if it all falls apart.

 

[sexyserb]

No YOU are causing conflict and killing your marriage. You have without telling him from the beginning totally moved the goal posts and he never bought in to what YOU have decided unilaterally

Changing the boundaries and rules can ruin a non monogamous relationship as well as a monogamous one. You should have made an attempt to talk to your husband before you escalated it with the new guy past the casual encounters that was the agreed upon format of your relationship. Now you are making him the scapegoat for your decisions.

Sp what you may have to decide is if YOU want to end your marriage for whatever letter you are calling the new guy. And the chances are if you jam this down his throat, which you seem determined to do, don't be surprised if somewhere down the line hubby says hes had enough even if you have your way for a while.

You are entitled to do anything you want to to be happy. Your husband is also entitled to tell you that you can do it but not as his wife.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think it might be pretty common for insecure people to fulfill their own prophecies. It's a shame your husband can't see he is doing that by pushing you away.

Yes! My ex husband did that with me. The more jealous of other people in my life he was, the more he got jealous if I even went to a movie with a male movie star I thought was cute, (it was really ridiculous) the weaker and less attractive he seemed in my eyes. Finally I agreed with him. He was less attractive to me, as he believed, because he believed it! And I'd had enough of trying to prop him up and assure him I loved him. We were together 30+ years! We had sex, we took trips, we raised a family, we went on dates, etc. He still never believed he was lovable and desirable. So I finally agreed with him.

Another thing that seems common is people changing their minds, or realizing they can't do poly. It's easy to agree to something in theory. It's quite a different thing to follow through in practice. Dealing with that kind of insecurity requires quite a bit of introspection. It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to do that.

I am not sure if the original agreement was "casual sex only, no love." Was that said somewhere? I need to reread. Some people are merely poly sexual. They want multiple sex partners but only one love partner (or of course, no love partner). Some people are poly amorous, they want love with multiple people (and probably sex too). A poly sexual partner has no right to tell their poly amorous partner they "can't" fall in love.

The barn door is open and the horse is out. You love 2 men. That's not going away. You might lose your husband if he can't come to terms with your capacity for loving more than one.

This is a board for polyAMORY, so of course, our attitude is about love. Not just sex.

 

[Magdlyn]

OK, I reread. I see there was an Opening, but no mention of whether it was "casual sex only," or "dating and sex, with no restrictions on whether deep feelings develop."

The husband A seems upset love developed. That's OK... It is weird when your partner of 20 years suddenly develops deep feelings for another. I know when my ex h and I Opened, and he fell in love, and had all the NRE highs for someone else, it really threw me. I wasn't expecting it. He'd always been presenting himself as so monogamous. He admitted finally in couples therapy, that he'd been lusting and fantasizing about every woman he ever met. I also had had crushes over the years, and he'd always told me he never did, to "set an example" of fidelity or whatever. It was all a lie.

Anyway, it's not SO odd your husband is jealous or envious of your NRE and love for M. But trying to veto is unfair. After all, there's certainly a chance HE might fall in love at some point with someone he meets! Then she shoe would be on the other foot. Therapy might help him. Feeling things around poly, and not having anyone to talk to about it except you, is hard. He needs to air his insecurities and develop coping skills to learn to share you. And if he can't, you two can separate.