Husband cheated, is now poly

S

Starlight

New member
I was wondering if you all could give me some advice. My husband recently opened up to me and told me he was poly. At first I was upset. I felt like I wasn't enough. Sometimes I still feel like that. But then I thought, just because I'm not this way, doesn't mean it's fake. So I decided to trust him and learn to let him be who he is. I love him, and because of that, I don't want to lose him or smother him.

We talked a lot about all of it (some of it led to heated discussions, but were resolved), but I still feel like I'm not understanding fully. I guess maybe I will never fully understand, since I am mono myself. I feel stronger in our marriage now than ever before.

It's me whom he comes home to every day, me he has stayed with, me whom he shares a life with.

But even so, I still get jealous. I don't know if these feelings of jealousy are real feelings, or if they are pregnancy induced. We just got pregnant from our make-up sex from finding out he was poly. Go figure!

I know he loves me, but because of the jealousy, I'm terrified one day I'm going to loose him; that one day he is going to find someone else whom he loves more. We have talked about it, but sometimes I feel like I can't describe how I feel accurately to him while I'm still upset about my current feelings. He always tells me he loves me more than anything, and that he would be mono for me, but I don't want to try to change him. I have noticed since coming out to me about all of this, he has been more relaxed and happy. I don't want to take that away from him.

But I feel like I am still smothering him. I can't seem to let go and let him be in a relationship without interfering. I just found out that, while they have not had sex, he has been walking around in the nude in front of his girlfriend. I got upset because I wasn't told about this sooner, and wasn't asked if it was okay. But then I felt like a controlling witch immediately after thinking that. I felt like I was losing control of the situation and thus, coming closer to losing my husband.

I'm sorry for the novel. If you got through it, then thank you very much! I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and ask for advice on how to let go and feel better about all of this. Or for someone to tell me it's just new pregnancy hormones and I need to chill out. :)
 
If your agreement is that he should tell you before they progress to new levels of intimacy, then it's natural to feel upset that he didn't do so. He should treasure your open-mindedness and commitment to his happiness, and be careful not to tread on boundaries. However, it does seem like he chose to tell you eventually, so that's good at least.

I think it's fair to ask him to be patient and go slow, as long as you're genuinely working on becoming comfortable with more intimacy between him and the gf. After all, you're two adults in a romantic relationship. Sooner or later, physical restrictions are going to make the "forbidden fruit" appeal so great that they'll probably either have to be miserable all the time, split up, or break his agreement to you. I'm sure no one wants any of those things.

Jealousy is natural, probably especially because of the pregnancy, but it's all in how you deal with it, and it definitely can get easier with time. There are some great resources here for managing jealousy and for mono/poly relationships: www.morethantwo.com

One question -- are you friends with the gf? Many people find that helps.
 
I think it's great that you are being so openminded and working through the problems you are having with this. And I'm certain that your husband does feel more relaxed at having opened up to you about all of this.

I firmly believe that everyone should go at the pace of the most uncomfortable person, as long as that person is truly working on their issues. So it really helps to set up clear boundaries. If you would rather he not do certain things until you are comfortable, let him know what those things are.

For example, my boyfriend would not be comfortable with me quickly jumping into a sexual relationship with someone else. I know he feels that way. So anyone that I even consider seeing knows that it may be a long time before things get sexual. I am starting to see someone new. His wife is uncomfortable with us holding hands (because we are pagan, and that is like a direct connection to each other's energy, very intimate), so we respect that and don't hold hands. Since she is open with us about what she is okay with, it helps draw clear lines that we don't cross, making everyone feel more comfortable.

I also know couples who have written down their boundaries just to keep things clear. If you can get to know his girlfriend and come to trust her too, that would also lift a huge weight off your situation.

Keep us updated on how things are going.

Congrats on the new addition to the family! *hugs*
 
Yay! Congrats on the baby! I'm pregnant too! Babies everywhere!

I have nothing else useful to add. Good luck with your situation. It sounds like the two of you are trying to be understanding of one another.
 
Thank you for the replies!

We haven't really set up solid boundaries, only sort of talked about what happens when they actually go to have sex. But it seems maybe this is moving a little fast for me to get used to. He doesn't seem to think so, and says I have placed myself in a bad situation, where I'm not accepting what could happen between the two of them, like I am waiting to deal with it instead of going ahead with it. I can sort of see where he is coming from, but at the same time, it feels like my feelings are being ignored.

I just found out about this 2 months ago, and not under the best conditions. I discovered him cheating on me with this girl. At first I was really upset. I have since come a long way, but because of what happened, I just wanted some control of what was happening because of me being surprised with this situation. I felt like I couldn't control anything in my life at that point, and so now I'm having difficulty with it.

I am learning to deal with my emotions/feelings and thoughts. I try to open up to my husband each time I think it might be needed so I don't bottle it up inside. I guess a lot of it is jealousy, but only because I never thought I would have to deal with something like this before.

We are (so far) each other's one and only when it comes to sex. I had always thought it would be so. I'm scared he is going to have sex with someone else, and realize I suck at it, or something. :( He says not to worry, since he thinks I am great at it, and we have had years to learn each other's likes and dislikes. But it still scares me.

I agree that meeting her might help. I want to meet her really bad! I hope we get along. While I am not poly, and I am straight, I would love if she and I could be friends, and all three of us could be cuddly together. I'm a huge cuddle fan.

She plans to come visit at the end of the month, I think. So we will see how it goes.

If you don't mind me asking, how far along are you, MichelleZed? :) I'm only ten weeks, so still have the morning sickness going on. :(
 
I don't mean to sound cynical or stir up doubt, and I'm new to poly relationships and how they progress. But I can't imagine any situation where I would just happen to be walking around someone's house or apartment nude and no sex was involved, unless you live in very hot climate. Which makes me think that he is not really all that comfortable with his poly-ness. Maybe you are feeling insecure not so much because he has this other relationship, but because you sense you are not getting the whole story. If he expects you to trust him about important matters (that he is committed to loving you and your baby), he can't lie about other things, just to make it easier on himself.

I may not know much about all of this, and am still struggling myself with things like jealousy, but from the stories I've read here, even the most unusual relationships can work if people are honest.
 
Yes, I can see where it would seem weird they haven't done anything yet, but she has told me herself that she isn't interested in having sex, and if they were to ever do it, she has a 4-month rule. (They have been together for about 2 and a half months.) I asked my husband if he was lying to me about it, that I wasn't going to explode on him if he told the truth, and he says they haven't, so I trust him. If I don't trust him, then why would it be worth it to stay with him, if I was forever questioning his word? :( I don't want to live like that. I told him that was a part of me accepting this lifestyle. We had to be completely honest with each other, or it was over. :(
 
Hey Starlight,

I'm sorry you had such a rude introduction to polyamory. :( I think you're dealing *remarkably* well, considering. I hope he appreciates you like you deserve.

Some questions to try to understand this whole situation better--

How did you find out he was cheating?
What activities was he engaging in with her, or was it mainly emotional infidelity?
Has she apologized to you for starting something with him, knowing he was in a closed relationship, or did she not know?
How often is he seeing her now?

If you told him that certain types of activities were specifically disallowed for the time being, or that you wanted them to see each other only X times per week/month for now, would he be willing to accept that?

Sometimes clear boundaries can be good while you're still in the process of coming to terms with something.

I agree with him that you're shooting yourself in the foot by saying they can have sex, when you're not ready for it. That means that if/when it happens, you'll feel betrayed, even though he hasn't done anything "wrong." Why set both of you up for that? Why not make it a solid boundary for the time being, even if they think that probably-definitely-maybe nothing is gonna happen yet?
 
I found out because he went to a training class for work, and was gone for 3 months. When I was unpacking he clothes to wash them, I found her underwear amongst them. She had tossed them at her clothes pile, but they got mixed up in his. She was in the middle of moving, and was staying with him in his hotel room during the move.

From what I understand, it was emotional, with some making out.

She did know about me. She hasn't said she was sorry to me directly. My husband said she felt extremely guilty about the whole thing, which I believe, since she has been very nice to me the few times we have talked, and tries not to butt into the time that my husband and I are sharing together.

My husband doesn't get to see her much, since he has to fly over to see her. He is actually currently over there for the weekend. This will be the second time he has gotten to see her since he got out of the class, so I feel bad for trying to restrict them when they are already so far apart. :(
 
Starlight said:
How far along are you, MichelleZed? I'm only ten weeks, so still have the morning sickness going on.
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I'm at 33 weeks, but I hear ya on the morning sickness! For most women, it does get better. It did for me. I hope it happens for you, too! Hang in there.
 
Wow.

I want to ask, how old are you two and how long have you been together?

A three-month separation for his job is bad enough. Then come to find some other chick's panties in his laundry! And then he says he's "poly," which means he cheated on you and told you later. But those are two different things.

Now you're knocked up accidentally, nauseated, probably very fatigued, and have this new person to consider, who is going to turn both your worlds upside down. And he's still flying off to cavort in the nude with his new gf?

They make out naked? Hmmm, maybe they're not having intercourse, but I'd have to think they're having orgasms together.

You might NOT be so good at love making now, since you're feeling normal first-trimester illness and fatigue. Soon you'll be huge and then you'll have a baby and be sleep deprived and falling in love with your baby. Will he be jetting off to see gf all that time, leaving you alone with the breastfeeding and diapers and spitup?
 
Starlight said:
I found out because he went to a training class for work. He was gone for three months. When I was unpacking he clothes to wash them, I found her underwear amongst them. She had tossed them at her clothes pile but they got mixed up with his.
Click to expand...

This seems so dishonest, which is the opposite of polyamory. I know there are two sides to everything, and things like this can be worked through. In my experience, a relationship needs to be really strong to go through the changes and new stresses of polyamory. I've been told in the past that if there are any underlying issues in a relationship, that polyamory or an open marriage will bring those issues out.

I don't want to be a downer, but from what you have written, it seems he has not treated you very well, and he needs to do things your way and slow himself down.

I'm sorry, but if he was with another girl without your knowledge, it was cheating. Being polyamorous doesn't excuse dishonesty!
 
We are both 24. We have been married for 5 1/2 years. We were dating for about 3 years before that. He tried to tell me a long time ago but I didn't listen.

I don't think they make out naked. She loves in a one-room apartment. The times he was naked were when he was changing, getting ready, getting out of the shower.

She plans on moving into a bigger place as soon as possible. My husband is excited for it, so that we can go together to visit her, instead of him going by himself. He feels bad when he leaves me here, which is why he leaves just for the weekend instead of a whole week.

I don't want to doubt what he has told me, but some of the things you guys have said make me wonder now. :( Am I being blinded by my love for my husband and letting him get away with things? I certainly hope not. :(
 
I'm a firm believer that no one ever knows what happens between a couple except that couple, and they likely see it differently. It's mainly about how you want to proceed with your relationship.

Honesty and boundaries are the most important things. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, then that not only disrespects you, but it disrespects the life you have together. He can't just do what he wants to make himself happy, and leave you to deal with it while he hides behind the "polyamory" label.

I'm sorry if I misjudged the situation, but that's how I see it.
 
Aww Starlight, just so you know, I am 56 and have 3 kids right around your age, 20, 23 and 25. So, as a mama, I am going to continue to comment.

You and your husband met at age 16 and got married at 19? You were both virgins when you got together, and have only ever had sex with each other?

Is the gf also in her early 20s, or maybe even younger than you two?

So, now your husband is getting some ants in his pants. I am not saying marriages where both people are virgins and only ever have sex with each other for the next 60 years doesn't happen, but it is rare, especially in this day and age.

I would say you and your husband definitely need to establish firm boundaries for his relationship with the gf. Was he with her in a close relationship for most of those three months he was away? It sounds like they were practically living together, in her apartment or in his hotel room. Sigh...

I am very glad he confessed to the cheating.

I am also glad you like her and even want to cuddle with her.

Please do a tag search on here for "children and polyamory." There is much to consider as far as him having a gf while you are pregnant, and especially once the baby arrives, needing 'round the clock care well into toddlerhood. Do you have a good social support system in place outside of your hubs, to help with the baby while he travels for work or for... sexy lovey time with the gf? Does she even know you two are now pregnant?

At the very least, you need to make 100% sure he and she are practicing safer sex, when they do get to that point.
 
Yes, we got together at age 15, and married right before our 19th birthdays. We have never had sex with anyone else. We met at such a young age and instantly fell in love with each other. I think his gf is 21, maybe 22, not sure.

She knows I'm pregnant. She is actually super excited, and has said that if she lived closer to us, she would come over and make whatever it is I'm craving, and help take care of the baby or our two-year old son.

They got together in the last two weeks that he was in the class, I think. She was also in the class. It's how they met. She was moving near the end, getting ready to live in a different area.

I told him if they ever were to have sex, it was to be with a condom, even if she were to test herself. I just don't think I can handle it otherwise. Maybe in the future, but not right now.

She seems really sweet from the times I have talked to her. I don't want to be mad at either of them. I want this to work out between all of us. I understand people can make some bad choices. We're human! I don't want to judge the two of them on one time in our life. It's just I'm still feeling hurt over the first time I found out about all of this (and the random bouts of jealousy). My husband is trying to help me, but usually we automatically understand one another, so now that I'm trying to explain my feelings, I'm not doing such a great job at it. :( I feel like I'm just confusing him half the time.
 
It sounds like this is a great chance for you both to work on your comunication skills.

About your fear that he'll discover you're bad at sex -- first of all, if you two enjoy sex together now, you're doing it right. :)

The gf almost certainly will do some things differently than you, and some of that will almost certainly not be to his liking as much as what you and he do. Time to explore each other counts for a lot. But yes, some things with her he might like better.

This might be a bit much to think about for now, but whatever new/different ways of making love he discovers with her, you two can then choose to use if you'd like, to enhance your own sex life. If he were to discover that he really liked a certain type of stimulation (like, being held down, or whatever it may be), just like he can re-invest his giddy NRE into his relationship with you, so can he also use his new discoveries (if any) to spice up your sex life. ;)

Do you think you might ever choose to take a second partner yourself?
 
I think it is wonderful that you are at least trying to understand what it is he is going through and trying to adapt. I will tell you from my experience, that it is not an easy road to travel. It is one that our triad deals with on a daily basis. To me, it is a process to be gone through at a pace you are comfortable with. Rushing someone who is not ready for the full-fledged gamut of polyamory can only lead to trouble for everyone involved.

I love the fact that you are at least open enough to ask questions and try to gain an understanding to make things better. Kudos to you.

Good luck!
 
Ohhh, you two already have a toddler! So I guess you manage to parent that child alone, somehow, while he's away on months-long business trips already.

I can totally understand your jealousy now. You're home, not only pregnant, but dealing with a child who is at a very trying age, and he's off living "single," and forming a very intimate life with another very young woman.

Do you have a job outside the home? Do you have family nearby to help with childcare, and who can care for you as your pregnancy progresses? How often does your husband plan to fly far away to see his gf? How easy is it, as a family, to afford him to take these trips?
 
He's a lucky, lucky man, to have such a loving, open wife.

I'm thinking that even if you don't want another relationship for yourself, a situation where he gets a periodic break from toddler-pregnancy-baby is setting you up for resentment down the line. I hope you'll make sure to give yourself the same luxury. Leave him home with the kid(s) sometimes and treat yourself to a nice hotel, a girls' night out, whatever. Anything he spends on airfare, etc., to be with her, you deserve an equal amount for your own pampering. (Buying cute baby clothes doesn't count. It should be for you!)

Maybe you want to invest in a good breast pump, so he can take on some overnight feedings from time to time.

Make sure the two of you get special times together, too, of course. His relationship with her should not take away from what he has with you.
 
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