Husband cheated, is now poly

Thank you all for the advice and support!

His trips are starting to get expensive, and he has only taken two to go see her. :( I don't have a job. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I have no family to be with me. I have a friend here who likes to help out. But when my husband is away, I try to avoid her, since she doesn't know about all of this.

I normally would like the idea of pumping and having my husband give bottles, but he has to change shift every two months, and so sometimes he may not be home to do that for me. I co-slept with my son and it was wonderful. I never had to really get up with him. I just rolled over and fit a boob into his mouth and he was good to go. :) So night feedings probably won't be too much of a problem. :)

My husband asked if I would like to have another relationship, and gave me the green light, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe sometime in the future I might find that I would like too. But for now, I'm very body shy and too embarrassed to do anything intimate. It took my a long time to finally get comfortable with my husband, which he blames on my strict upbringing. My mom wasn't the friendliest when it came to sexuality.

We still try to get out without our son and have dates. It depends if we can find a babysitter. It's not very often. :( I think I am going to get him to take me on a nice date, since he went off for the weekend. :)
 
I do think it might be good for him to come here and read this thread, get some perspective from other people on the whole situation, and he could also share his thoughts about things.

Also, maybe the gf could save up and come visit him now and then, so that the expense for keeping the relationship going doesn't fall all on your family's budget?
 
If you are confused, trying to deal with the hurt he caused you over cheating, dealing with jealousy, raising his kid and growing another, I think he needs to slow right down. Not to mention, it sounds like your family can't afford for him to going see her all the time. It sounds like he should be going at your pace, not his. Many poly people call this "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." That would be you. There is no shame or guilt in that. It's just part of adapting to the new relationship dynamic.

I am really surprised at how well you seem to be taking all this. Most people in your situation would be losing their minds, and that would be valid. You are a rare breed. But that doesn't mean that you should suck down your emotions and do as you are told without thought to what works for you and is going to be healthy for you. It's so important to keep checking in with yourself about how far you are willing to be pushed!

BTW, I'm sorry, and maybe I am just cynical, but I think they have already had sex. Everything you have said points to that... mostly the fact that he cheated. Cheating is lying, and if he cheated, that implies sex, and also implies that he has lied to you before. I don't think I would believe that the two of you have never had sex outside of your relationship. You haven't, maybe, but I think I would not speak for him, as I don't believe it.

Meeting her is a really good idea. It seems that the success rate of poly relationships relies on metamours knowing each other and being able to interact, even if its seldom.

The search that Mags suggested is "children" or "kids." You might want to look at "cheating," too. You can find the search engine on the tool bar.
 
Thanks everyone, again, for the replies. My husband and I had a HUGE heart-to-heart talk about everything. I feel much more at peace with all of this. I think I was finally able to explain my feelings to him, thanks to coming here and talking to you all. We talked for HOURS. It was amazing! I felt so loved and safe.

I went ahead and told him that if he wanted to, he and she could go ahead and have sex. I no longer have an insecurity about it.

If they did or didn't have sex in the past, it is behind us now.

I feel like I have a lot more understanding of him. :) I just feel so at peace with everything. I think a lot of it had to do with coming here and typing out my feelings. He has read the whole thread and it seemed to really hit home and help him understand how I was feeling. Because of that, we were able to address all of my problems and solve them together. Why I felt jealous about this, why I felt insecure about that. It was such an eye-opener.

I know I may still get pangs of jealousy, but I honestly believe I am over the worst of it. He said that if I changed my mind, or felt like it was still not to my liking, he would try his hardest to make me more comfortable.

Thank you, everyone, for all the support and advice! It has really helped talking to you all. :)

I wanted to add that I will let you guys know how it goes when I finally meet his GF face to face. :) I have texted with her and video-chatted with her, but never actually seen her myself, so I'm very excited to finally meet her for real.
 
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Just make sure that you aren't stuck at home doing all the childcare, washing, cleaning, and cooking while he is getting his jollies. It shouldn't be about "Woo-hoo, my wife will take care of me and the kids, and I get to have a girlfriend!"

He needs to remember that having an additional partner means that he needs to romance you, too, take you out on dates, AND share duties in childcare and housework. Your role in his life shouldn't be all about household drudgery and taking care of the babies while being with his gf is all about sexy fun. I hope he realizes that, and that you realize you must make sure to ask for the attention you need.
 
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I agree with NYCindie. It's great that you have worked some stuff out, but make sure there is balance. If he gets to have a girlfriend and go do fun stuff, what are you going to do for fun and excitement? Take a course? Go out with friends? Take up yoga? It's helpful to have this balance.

My husband took up writing, and has an active blog now as a result. He has also started university classes online. I have other partners and he has what he needs in life also. It's been an amazing journey for all of us, as a result. Before our relationship was about staying at home watching TV (okay, we had a baby then). Now we don't even own one, because we both took our lives into our own hands and do so much more stuff on our own and together.
 
I agree! We talked about that too. His girlfriend said she would love to babysit for us so we can go out on a date or two while she is here. He also helps around the house whenever he can, or if I ask, so that's cool, too. He still flirts with me and tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. :) He also still makes some sweet love to me. So, as of right now, I don't have any complaints. Though I promised myself and him that if I felt bad about ANYTHING, I would talk to him about it.
 
So glad to hear the thread was helpful and that the two of you are in a good place! Congrats!

I'm very curious -- was anything in the thread a surprise to him or a special cause for conversation, or did the whole thing generally just help you guys open up to each other?
 
The whole thread in general helped us a lot. But there were a couple of points I was trying to express that finally seemed to sink in with him. It made me very upset that he had hurt me. He was determined to make it right. So far, he is doing a great job! I went from feeling jealous and inadequate to being able to joke about his other relationship, and tease him a little, without the slightest feeling of something being wrong.

We were usually very easy-going people, so when we were upset and struggling to understand each other, it added to the problem. But finally that understanding came to us, and now we are our old selves again, joking and flirting like we were before all of this.
 
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