Husband doesn't want to talk about things are important to me. Halting communications

L

ladyborgx

New member
Background: In a V with two men, husband and and boyfriend. I live with my husband and our son. Bf lives a short drive away. Hubs and Bf are best mates. There has been issues going on for a while in my relationship with my husband but we are in couples counselling and trying to get back on track. Relationship with my bf is going fine.

We organised to have a default night, where I see my bf once a week at his, that regardless of mental states, relationship states I would see him on that night every week. When all of us talked about it, we were enthusiastic about how many issues this would fix. And my husband is the one who got us together and has said to both of us that he loves that my bf and I are together. They are best mates and everything is fine between them.
At the moment though during arguments my husband has started saying things like, "So what, you can go to your boyfriend's house?" or "Yet again you want leave me with the child and escape to your boyfriends house" etc etc. I don't feel those comments are fair on me and is technically going back on agreements we made.

I was all excited about the default night setting because of what it would fix .However now that my husband has started saying these things its making me uncomfortable because he is essentially using my time and relationship with my boyfriend against me. I am supposed to be in talks with my bf right now to decide if I am coming over tonight or tomorrow (Due to work rosters this week's default night has to be altered). But I feel uncomfortable now going because I am worried he will go back on his word and use it against me in an argument again. That I left him with our child while I was at my bf's. I don't want to leave him him alone with our child now if that is how he feels but then that affects my relationship with my bf.

My husband doesn't have another partner but really isn't putting any effort to getting one so while I can understand his reservations, I feel it's unfair on me for him to do this. I also feel that if I stay home, my husband will get shitty for essentially going back on the agreement of the default night and "martyring myself".

I encourage my husband to spend time out of the house and to see friends. He has the ability, in fact he recently made a good friend who lives close to us and they spend a lot of time together at his mate's place. Plus my husband's parents look after our son for one or two nights every week so we, him and us gets plenty of time not being parents. He also has the shed which he wanted and got and uses a lot to spend time on his own and work on his projects. If he had a gf or fwb I would expect he has a night with her each week as well. He gets time off/out. My nights/days off with my bf are my only ones unless the in laws have our son.

I tried bringing it up for discussion but his defences went straight up and avoided it, told me I was forcing him to have the talk, going on about our many other issues we could be talking about and having a go at me for wanting to talk about this particular issue. He says he doesn't care that I am seeing my bf mebbe tonight or tomorrow night but due to him using it against me I don't feel that that is the truth. Communication has effectively been halted on something that is important to me.

So what do I do? I know I cannot force him to talk anything he doesn't want to, but I feel uncomfortable going to my bf's house before I talk about this, but I dont want to not go to my bfs because of my husband wish to not discuss this.

Thank you for reading.

TLDR: Husband is saying passive aggressive things about my relationship with my bf and using it agaisnt me. he doesnt want to talk about it and I don't want to go my bf's until we do.
 
My husband and I have communication problems. as well, but he has never told me that I can't see any of my lovers or BFs. To me it sounds like your hubby is feeling pressured to be a parent. Some people, not just men, get that way. My husband is a whiner. Some times he can act like such a little boy, and other times he is more mature than some of my lovers.

I mentioned to my husband while we were out tonight that he tends to whine a lot. Even my friend's, my BFs and several of my lovers have noticed. We are seeing a therapist, and I am hoping that we can address some of these issues.

In your case, it appears that your husband wants to shuck responsibility and doesn't like that you get to go away when he feels "forced" to be a parent. That sounds to me like a childish action.

I will tell you what I often tell myself . . . Sometimes you have to put yourself first. And to be able to love another, you have to first love yourself.

Good luck.
 
I'm not sure by your post, if you practice hierarchical poly or not. But I can say that if you don't, allowing your husband to put your boyfriend second like this, it could cause all sorts of other issues. I think your husband sounds like a petulant child. I would straight up answer his questions with a firm YES when he starts acting like a brat.

As far as going to your boyfriend's house this week - you asked, your husband answered and doesn't want any more discussion, so go. If he gets butthurt later, well, I expect my men to be adults and talk like adults. And that means believing what they say.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

You could repeat back what you hear him say. And ask him if he means X. Get some clarification.

But in general you sound like you tried to give opportunity to talk. He does not want to. So... Could tell him if he changes his mind, you are willing if he wants to make a talking date for later. Then go to bf house as current agreements stand.

You cannot be a mind reader. And if how he communicates does not serve him well, he could learn another way to communicate his wants/needs/limits so he can be better understood by other people. You cannot do his communicating for him.

Believe him at face value:

He says he doesn't care that I am seeing my bf mebbe tonight or tomorrow night
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I know you do not think that is the truth, but rather than trying to mind reader him? Could let him own it. Take it at face value and later if that was not it? Who is responsible for speaking his truth? Him.

It simply might take a few cases of "being taken at my word" and dealing within the consequences to get him to start saying what he means and mean what he says in the first place.

Could weather that out and see if he can take personal responsibility for his communication.

Galagirl
 
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It took about 3 years into our marriage (7 years into our relationship - which was my first relationship ever) for MrS and I to really learn to communicate what we meant. That often involves taking people at their word, even if you think they might mean something else. It really makes a person have to think about what they are really asking for and not expect the other to read their minds.

An argument that goes: "Yeah, I know I said x but you knew that I really meant y..." - nope, that doesn't fly.

Reminds me of a post I read on here a while back:

... My husband is big on Non-Verbal communication, my problem is that I don't read his non-verbal very well or my inter-galactic translator is malfunctioning

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying 'This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered.'" - SNeacail 12/6/10
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