Again I'm sorry you struggle.
I mean all this kindly ok? It may not be what you want to hear.
When I first brought it up his first reaction was "I'm not enough" so we just need to separate which ended up in both of us bawling our eyes out because being without one another is unbearable for both of us and it seems like a waste to me because we have no other issues than this.
Well, he is right. He
isn't enough. If you want more than 1 partner, he's not enough partners.
He may be enough HIM, and you love him for him, but he cannot magically turn himself into 2 or more people to be extra partners for you. He can only be 1 person. Limit of the Universe.
In regards to opening the marriage...
- You could ask him if this is a hard limit for him -- something that will never change. No matter how much time passes.
- Or if this is something that is a soft limit for him. Something that might change in time.
Hopefully he is direct and honest in his answer.
If it is a hard limit deal breaker? You are going to have to accept this. And not try to "wash" it away like it is this "one small thing that you don't agree on" or or like "he has no other experiences with relationships" or "he only knows traditional relationships." That might be the denial stage of grief.
You have to accept he can know HIMSELF and he can choose what he will and will not participate in.
If he tells you he is (monoamorous + monogamous) he wants 1:1 relating in his romances? He wants to love 1 sweetie only (monoamorous.) And he wants his romance shapes to be 2 people networks. No other people. (monogamous.)
It may be the "only" incompatibility, but it is a pretty big incompatibility if you want your romances to be a different way.
I feel like our relationship is strong and open with everything else and it could handle this if he is willing to work with me.
He IS willing to work with you. He is communicating openly. At this time, though it pains him, he's willing to separate so you can be free TO poly-date in a clean way. And he can be free FROM any poly stuff that he does not want.
Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is let someone free. That takes strength.
On top of that in a way weve been in a poly relationship before...
I'll be honest. That whole thing sounds weird to me. It does not sound like it was an ethical, consenting poly "V" where all parties agreed to participate in willingly.
It sounds more like poor boundaries and a cowboy who tried to rope you off for himself.
he wasn't exactly happy with the relationship with this guy at first but he got used to it.
It sounds like your husband wasn't thrilled with it, but he chose to lump it for a time anyway. That may explain part of why he's not eager to go there again if he's been burned once already.
Maybe the game changing experience for you was eye opening, and helped you realize you want polyamory in your life.
While the game changing experience for him was eye opening, and helped him see that he doesn't want it in his life.
You could ask him on that.
But the whole thing just felt right and felt like it completed what I felt like I was missing.
Did it complete anything for your husband?
Nothing wrong with you wanting poly now that you understand better what you want and know more about yourself.
But if you ask your spouse for his consent and willingness to participate in a new, poly model? And he says "No thank you" and suggests changing the conversation to separating?
Your husband is free to decline to participate. His consent belongs to him. If you ask him to consent and he doesn't want to go down that road?
LISTEN. And respect that. Don't try to talk him into stuff you already know he doesn't want to be doing. Or bug him over and over until he capitulates just to get you off his back. Neither of those approaches would be kind or loving behavior on your part.
I guess at this point I think I just need to work up the nerve and talk to him
Yes. I do think you guys do need to talk.
I don't know if I should just do my own thing like he told me I could which I'm wondering if he even meant or just keep my feelings closed and try to have a "normal" marriage if he shuts it down again.
Those are not the only two choices. You put open marriage on the table. He also put separating on the table. What's that look like among the other options at this time? Do you both see it the same? I see it like...
Open the marriage with joyous full consent.
- You: You want to and consent.You would be free to poly date cleanly.
- Him: He does not consent. He would not be free of poly things he does not want.
- Do DADT, which you really don't seem to want and you suspect husband doesn't really want either
- You: Not really free to poly-date clean. It's without joyous full consent. It's with misgivings.
- Him: He's not free from poly things he does not want. Maybe he's trying to ignore what's happening and/or try to shield himself from harm. Like... at least this way it's over THERE and not in his marriage bed like with the "friend" from before. At least it isn't like a cheating affair. You could ask WHY this is in the table.
- Continue to do monogamous Closed marriage, which you really don't seem to want.
- You: Not free to poly-date cleanly. And you feel depressed.
- Him: He is free from poly things he does not want.
- Peacefully disband the marriage. Be good exes. Maybe stay friends -- I sense you don't really want to consider that at this time. But what does it yield?
- You: Free to poly-date cleanly..
- Him: Free from poly things he does not want.
I might be wrong but I think you might be in "bargaining" stage of grief -- trying to do everything but talk about separating because it is painful for you to think about. If so? I'm really sorry.
But since it isn't looking likely that you are going to get "Open the marriage with a joyous, willing, and consenting spouse" as the solution here?
You HAVE to consider the other choices on the table one by one with him.
Which one of the above stinks least? Which is most respectful/loving? Which frees you TO poly-date cleanly, and allows him to be free FROM any thing poly related he does not want?
I think talking about separating peacefully is the most loving thing you could do if this is a hard limit deal breaker thing for him. No amount of time or reading would change his mind. Open/poly is not for him. Fine for others, but not for him.
To me the "waste" is dragging things out or trying other ill-fitting solutions to try to "fix or save" an ill-fitting marriage. Rather than one or both trying to twist yourselves into pretzels to cling to a marriage relationship shape that's not really fitting right any more?
Be brave. TALK. Could consider what is healthiest for BOTH PEOPLE. Could work to accept the marriage shape doesn't fit well any more. Could become willing for the relationship shape to CHANGE to something that fits better. Then figure out what that new shape might be.
Don't let fear or anxiety prevent you from having the honest, open talks you need to be having.
If after talking, the best solution that is healthiest for both is to separate? There is nothing wrong with being loving exes and friends.
I don't know how it will ultimately turn out for you guys, but I encourage you to talk and sort things out.
Galagirl
