I am upset with husband and our girlfriend

L

lisa6

New member
Hi!

I am away in Las Vegas on vacation. My Husband was supposed to come and he couldn't cause he had to stay behind and get checks that people were supposed to pay him before Christmas.

Anway I will start with him- I don't think one time this week he has said he missed me. So I am mad about that and don't feel he cares..

Than there is our mutual girlfriend.. She is upset with me because I didn't put up a tree for my kids this year. I told her we took the tree out but apparently I didn't tell her that we didn't put it up.. she feel I lied about it/or kept things from here in this regard. We couldn't find 2 pieces to the tree so couldn't get it up and decided to spend the money on kids gifts instead of another tree.

She barely spoke to me all day just two texts and usually we text all day.

I apologizes and she said everything would be okay with us.. But I feel like the lack of her texting is cause she is upset with me which has me upset and is ruining my trip.

Now I feel upset with both my partners..

Its hard to be away and have someone give you the silent treatment and the other one doesn't even tell you they miss you. Actually nobody has said they miss me..
 
Why does your gf care if you had a tree? Not her house, not her business.

Have you told your husband that you need extra words of affirmation while you're gone? I forget to tell Hubby I miss him when I'm out of town, then when I get home and am all clingy and crazy he's surprised because I acted fine when we were actually apart. He knows words aren't my thing so if he needs to hear something, he needs to remind me either right before or during the time span that he needs it (like, reminding me the day before I leave to tell him when I'm homesick and such to help him feel like an important piece of my daily routine and such).

Your communication still sounds pretty crappy. Not you specifically, but your whole triad. Almost every post of yours reminds me of a teenager going back and forth between being "so in love" and "so hurt/mad".
 
Hi! Thanks for the input.

I think girlfriend is mad about the tree for two reasons.. when girlfriend asked if we put up the tree I told her we found it but didn't mention we didn't put it up. In her mind she thinks I should have told her about not putting up the tree.. she views me as having lied or keeping things from her..second she thinks we let my kids down... she likes to have a lot of input in what goes on in our house and lives.. i agree it isn't really her place. My approach is fairly opposite. I try very hard to stay clear of things that don't involve me directly. I rarely if ever insert my opinions or myself into what goes on with her household unless I am directly affected.

Yes I mentioned to Husband that he didn't say he missed me.. he than said of course he missed me.. I don't know in the past he usually texts me that he misses me.. so it still disturbs me that I haven't gotten those texts..

And to top things off I don't think my mom is speaking to me. I called her last night and I heard my dad tell her to please talk to me.. she didn't.. she is mad I think because she forced herself into my house while I was away and organized it and she is mad cause it wasn't up to her standards. My husband didn't know how to tell her No about reorganizing while I am away..

So in general I am just annoyed with a ton of people at the moment...

Anway back to girlfriend and husband- I hope I don't act like a teenager when it comes to how I behave and communicate. Thanks for listening
 
Your GF is definitely acting like a teenager. And mothers....well...

Personally, I would just chalk this up to holiday stress, unless it's part of a continuing pattern.
 
I just called husband to say hello..He put me directly to voicemail.. when I called a second time he answered and admitted putting me to voicemail... he said because he was just getting up.. whatever..

Man I feel so defeated and discouraged.. is it me? Did I do something? Am I over sensitive?
 
I'm gonna be blunt and honest here... But based on all of the posts you've made about your relationships you give the impression that all of you are overly sensitive and act a bit immature in many ways. Everyone jumps to conclusions, makes assumptions without communicating, creates expectations without negotiating them and then gets angry when said unknown expectations aren't met, etc. No one just speaks plainly to one another, and there seems to be an inherent lack of trust evident by the fact that everyone assumes negative intentions rather than looking at someone's actions and first assuming that they didn't have negative intentions.

I personally think that you all could stand to have some group therapy, and also do some shared reading on communication techniques. I do hope that things get better for you all though. Practice self care, and do you. But then maybe have a frank talk with your partners about your needs and boundaries, and as them to state the same.
 
Hi lisa6,

I'm very sorry that husband and girlfriend both let you down. That is a double blow. It must hurt a lot. I agree with the advice the others have gave here, but I also just wanted to add that I felt badly for you. I hope that in the future, they will treat you better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Well....

My gf would have understood how crazy, busy life is with 3 kids, put up the tree and made it ‘special’ for kids regardless if Christmas is ‘over’ or not. I would KNOW hubby and gf missed me while I was away but KNOW they would show me when I came home. Part of being in a functional triad is having an extra family member around and trusting they love you even if you’re not there and they’re frustrated with you.

I agree with whoever said it’s ‘holiday stresses’! Don’t sweat the small shit.....it’s ALL small shit❤️
 
I don't know if I'd call it immaturity or oversensitivity, but taking into account your previous posts as well as this one, you guys (not just YOU, but your partners as well, especially your girlfriend) DO seem to habitually overreact to what are essentially petty grievances as if they were earth-shattering deal-breakers.

To me, this points to a few possibilities: a general lack of communication and effective boundary setting/maintenance... stress stemming from other aspects of your life/lives, that you tend to take out on each other... or, just maybe, you three are not really compatible as lovers/a romantic triad.

It's easy to get bent out of shape, hold onto grudges or gripe at our partners about small annoying problems or things they do or say that hurt our feelings, especially around holiday time or at other times of high stress. You need to recognise if that's what is going on here... take a moment to feel your feelings (whether anger, or disappointment, sadness or hurt)... then work at moving on.

If you find you (or one/both of your partners) is constantly annoyed about something another partner has done or said, then this is a negative pattern that needs addressing. As others have said, above, you need to firmly state your expectations and boundaries about issues that are important to you - preferably BEFORE matters reach a head. A poly-friendly therapist MAY be able to help you all with this, if you can't seem to come to a consensus about issues which affect your triad, or any of the dyads within it.

I can't recall how old your kids are right now, nor can I recall just WHY you planned to go on vacation without them over the Christmas-New Year period. (You say your husband was originally going to come too, so I assume this was meant to be some sort of get-away)...

...and I don't want to judge, because I'm sure you have your reasons. But, depending on the age of your kids, it does seem a little odd NOT to put a tree up for them if you guys are in the habit of celebrating Christmas in this fashion. That is not to say ANY of the adults in this triad could not have attended to this task - including your girlfriend IF she really is an equal partner and so concerned that there wasn't one, though I'd think your husband would be the more likely candidate to do this job if he's home. Or even the kids themselves, if they're old enough. (My mother always tasked us kids with decorating the tree after a certain age.)

I'm not a hundred percent sure what your agreements are, or if your girlfriend holds co-primary or secondary status... but considering she has her own home and family, how you choose to run your household should be of limited concern to her. Except if the deal was that she would live at your place and mind your children while you're away. If that is the case, then perhaps she's within her rights to be a little upset over the miscommunication about the tree. She may have thought you were ditching to go have fun, leaving HER with all the work (and a broken tree you expected her to decorate). Is that it? Even so, it's a minor issue that could easily be sorted out with some decent communication.

Same with the mother issue. Mothers/mothers-in-law can be rather forceful when it comes to what they consider "best" for their offspring. However, you and your husband are adults with your own children. It is not her place to invade your home and privacy while you're away, in order to "reorganise" - which, depending on your mother's personality and intentions - may simply be a ruse to snoop, if she suspects but isn't aware of your unconventional set-up. Your husband could have politely insisted that reorganisation wasn't necessary, even if he had to tell a while lie and say he was busy, had clients coming over, or something else to divert her.

Basically, you three need to develop some assertiveness, as individuals, and need to work on communication as a group.
 
Hi!

The holiday vacation was meant to be a family trip..A tripbthat we also invited girlfriend and her mom on too... Girlfriend could not go because she had already promised to watch her grandchild. My husband and some of the kids stayed home because my husband did not receive a Christmas bonus check he was expecting so our money was limited.

Girlfriend does not live with us. We have invited her to live with us and she has declined. Mostly do to the fact that she is in no way comfortable telling her family about our relationship. Plus she has kids and is worried about custody issues if anyone knew.. We are all okay with having 2 households. We live in the same town so not a big deal..

Girlfriend was not asked to watch the kids over the holiday week they were all supposed to be with me.

And I absolutely would have bought another tree other than I felt it better to use the money on gifts for the kids...it is the only year we have not had a tree...But really the no bonus check hurt us financially.. I would not have even gone on the trip except my daughters college roommate already left on the trip and was waiting for us.. it's a good thing we went cause it turns out the college friend wasn't prepared at all and ran out of money.

I agree husband should have put his foot down with my mom..
 
Yes, it sounds like you all would have been better off just cancelling or postponing the trip. What a nightmare! (I assume you went with at least one of your kids, otherwise what a dull holiday, being separated from both husband and gf AND your other children.) Sorry about all that.

Still, it really does sound like you (collectively) could do with improving your communication and organisational skills. All three of you seem to be on different pages about many things that affect your lives. Counselling might help.
 
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