I can’t get over someone my primary partner doesn’t want me to date

[anonymous93]

After 3 years of monogamy, my partner and I decided to open our relationship. It was actually their idea, and they started dating someone immediately. This was hard for me at first but I quickly realised that I want to do this too. It helped that the first person I started dating I had extremely good sexual chemistry with and a lot in common... it was exciting. Both me and my partner didnt’t really know what we were doing, we basically set no boundaries and just tried to figure it out as we went along... this was a bad idea. I was so caught up in my new love affair that I made a lot of mistakes which have had a really damaging impact on my partner. This was a few months ago, since then I stopped dating this person (bc of complicated dyke drama ~ my partner started dating her partner and she didn’t want to be part of smth complicated so ended it but we continued to talk and flirt and plan to do things again in the future). My partner and I have both started dating new people since then and are communicating a lot better, they don’t have any of the bad feelings about the new person I’m seeing. However, I can’t get over that first person. I really want to have sex with her again, and I know she does too. I want to explore what we started and had to end prematurely.... but I also know that my partner just can’t handle it. It’s like trauma for them. They have tried to accept the idea but they just can’t. How do I get over this person without harbouring any resentment for my partner who I love so much and want to make happy?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Are you saying....

I have trouble with no names. I am going to used generic colors, ok? I am happy to go with whatever you pick if you want something else. I quote just to visually block it off. Are you saying something like...

My established partner is Red.

Red asked to open the relationship. I agreed.

I started dating Blue. We had good chemistry.

I neglected Red while dating Blue though.

Red started dating Purple. Who is Blue's other partner. Blue didn't want to be part of a complicated poly network like that. So Blue broke up with me. But we continued to talk and flirt and plan to do things again in the future.

Red no longer dates Purple. (?)

I want to get back together with Blue. I know she wants to also.

I know Red would not be able to handle it if I started dating Blue again. They have no problems with my new partner Orange, but me dating Blue again would upset Red. It's like trauma for them. Even though we communicate better now and are both dating new people, Red hasn't forgiven me for neglecting Red when I was first dating Blue. (? )

Red has tried accepting the idea but they can't. It's a hard limit for them. So if I want to see Blue again, it means ending it with Red.

I love Red very much and want to make Red happy.

I choose to stick with Red even though I really want to be dating Blue.

I resent making the choice because I was treated unfairly by Red. Red did ____ behavior that was unfair to me.

Is that it?

If so... what was the unfair behavior? Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello anonymous93,

Honestly, the only way I know to get over this person is to cease contact with her (for at least a month or two) and just ride out the painful feelings until they fade away. And I don't know if it's possible to not harbor any resentment for your primary partner. Again, if you do you just have to ride it out until it fades away -- and it may not fade away.

I may be able to give you more/better advice if you can give me more details on what mistakes were made, and how they damaged your partner. Also, now that you are communicating a lot better, what is causing your partner to not be able to get over their bad feelings for the person they don't want you to date? I don't mean to pry, I am just trying to get a better handle on your situation.

I hope I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.