I did the veto thing. (Gasp! I know.)

[theveronica]

Hi, everyone. My husband and I have been poly for approximately a year. I have had two boyfriends (including my current one). My husband started his first relationship several months ago. The woman he started seeing also happened to be a very close friend of mine. When we started, we had two rules: No unprotected sex, and the not very popular veto rule. Well, the veto rule was used. Ungh. Details:

1) I explained the veto rule, why we had it, and my current partner agreed. My husband never explained this to his partner, and when we had to step back from poly for a bit in order to tend to our marriage, it blindsided her and she was very hurt.

2) After they started sleeping together, I told him that their sex life was their business, just like mine is with my partner. I was thrilled that he found someone that he was compatible with in so many ways, but I didn't need to hear about what she looks like when she comes and how naughty she was acting last night (which, however, he totally did, regardless of the boundaries of my comfort level). I am a believer in the privacy that two people have when having sex is what makes it personal and special.

2) It became fairly often that times I needed him to be present for me and for our children, and due to their fighting, he would not put his phone down, or get irritated with us because of the spillover.

3) When I was inpatient (I've been pretty ill this year), she went to the house and he asked if she could stay over, and I said I preferred that they don't sleep in the bed together, as he and I had not hashed all of that out yet, but if you'd like her to stay over that would be fine. He crawled into bed with her in the middle of the night, regardless.

4) One night he got particularly drunk and had unprotected sex with her. Okay, I get being super drunk and making a mistake. However, he did not tell me. I found out inadvertently. He said that even though it was one of our golden rules, he thought that because it had to do with sex (and I didn't want to hear about sex with her) that he wasn't ever going to tell me.

5) He did a lot of telling me one thing and telling her the other.

6) Because I was close with her as well, they would both bitch to me about what the other was doing. A lot.

So, after the constant drama, and me feeling like he was emotionally unreliable to me, I told him that I didn't want him to stay with her, as it felt like it was damaging to our marriage. He agreed, but is very angry (to be expected) and I am getting tons of shit for being "bad" at poly.

It took weeks of consideration, but I really feel like I made the right decision in asking for things to end. They still talk, are still friends, but he is very very angry that he is "alone" because of me. I feel so awful, and I don't know what to do. She and I aren't even friends anymore. I have tried so hard to be diplomatic and openminded and caring about their needs, but I admit that I have said things that I believed at the time, but later were not ok with. I know this makes it so that he can't trust me. But I honestly believed every single thing I said as I said it.

I am not looking for a pat on the back. I am ok with you guys telling me that I was wrong. I just need... I don't know, a fresh perspective.

 

[london]

Your problem is that you want to replace the trust you should have in your partner with rules and control mechanisms. The minute you feel you need a veto rule, that should be a sign that the trust between you isn't sufficient for you to have other relationships. There is further evidence of that by the way you are reluctant to permit your husband to do the things with his girlfriend that he wants to do. They aren't allowed an organic relationship where they interact as they would like to; they've always got Wifey looming over them and telling them what they can and can't do.

Did you ever agree on how girlfriend could ever become fluid bonded? I.e., hormonal contraception, condoms with everyone else, regular testing for all. Or was it just girlfriend never gets to fluid bond? Don't get me wrong, these rules were probably two-way rules that applied to both of you, but they are based on treating other people as if they are inferior to your marriage.

You agreed to things and then backtracked with no thought of how that would affect your husband, his girlfriend or their developing relationship because you think that your feelings are the most important and don't care about how people outside your marriage get hurt. It's only now that you are facing your husband's wrath that you are worried about what you've done to them.

If I were you, I'd apologise wholeheartedly to both girlfriend and hubby and set about working out a schedule that they can have the relationship that they want to. No more veto rule. Each person will maintain the relationships they have built themselves. People who are unable to need to lessen their responsibilities by cutting down how many obligations they have.

Tell them that their relationship is their own and you don't want to hear their issues. At all. Clearly state that they are violating your boundaries when they do.

If your husband is unable to be trustworthy and/or maintain boundaries and responsibilities, that is his problem and your problem because you picked him to marry. I wouldn't stay married to someone who proved they were that way inclined. It isn't good for the kids to believe that is tolerated. Controlling who else he is in a relationship with won't solve that.

 

[KyleKat]

I don't know that I can agree with you on this, London. He lied, he broke a rule about the fluid bonding (whether or not they ever discussed ever fluid bonding, the rule was still in place when he broke it), he wasn't going to share information with her that could have potentially run health risks, he spent his time with his wife being mentally away from her, and he did things she specifically asked him not to do because they hadn't talked about it yet.

I don't see where she backtracked at all. Could you point out what you're referring to?

It seems to me like he isn't ready to be in a poly relationship if he's going to spend more time doing instead of talking and make sure everyone is on the up and up.

I think she acted appropriately given the circumstances.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

We don't really have a veto rule, but we agree to share our impressions of someone as things are "ramping up," so to speak, and those impressions are taken into account. Once a "relationship" is established, however, well, we still make our feelings/reactions known, but no one has the right to "pull rank," as the case may be. So I'll let others have their say about that and just give my comments.

1) I explained the veto rule, why we had it, and my current partner agreed. My husband never explained this to his partner, and when we had to step back from poly for a bit in order to tend to our marriage, it blindsided her and she was very hurt.

Regardless of whether a "step back from poly" is a good idea (or even possible, since our experiences change us), not communicating the agreements that HE has made with an established partner and therefore "blindsiding" someone-- that is bad communication.

2) After they started sleeping together, I told him that their sex life was their business, just like mine is with my partner. I was thrilled that he found someone that he was compatible with in so many ways, but I didn't need to hear about what she looks like when she comes, and how naughty she was acting last night (which he totally did, regardless of the boundaries of my comfort level). I am a believer in the privacy that two people have when having sex is what makes it personal and special.

This is something that I ascribe to as well, and Dude totally does NOT get. It took a few instances of "oversharing" for him to see (although he still doesn't understand) that I REALLY do not want to know intimate details. and that all I want to know is, IF something happened, THEN were appropriate safer-sex practices used (as per our agreements).

As a side note: I have found that I don't care as much if he shares intimate details with people that I am also close to (MrS, VV, Lotus) but I am uncomfortable with the idea of him sharing details with people that I don't know intimately.

2) It became fairly often that times I needed him to be present for me and for our children, and due to their fighting, he would not put his phone down, or get irritated with us because of the spillover.

Having upset from one relationship spill over into another is fairly common, and may be unavoidable. (If I am in a bad mood from a rough day at work, it spills over into my relationships as well.) But if this is a regular occurrence, or is eroding your fundamental relationship, then it certainly needs to be addressed. It is not unreasonable to have times/circumstances where a person needs to have their partner to be WITH them when they are with them. Setting a "phones off" time is not unusual. ("I am not available from 5-6 because that is family dinnertime," shouldn't be different than, "I am not available from 8-9 because that is our daily staff meeting time.")

3) When I was inpatient (I've been pretty ill this year), she went to the house. He asked if she could stay over, and I said I preferred that they don't sleep in the bed together, as he and I had not hashed all of that out yet. But if you'd like her to stay over that would be fine. He crawled into bed with her in the middle of the night regardless.

This sounds like you stating a preference and him not agreeing, as opposed to a rule/boundary that had been established and agreed to by all parties. (Which really should have been hashed out before the subject came up.) Since he knew your preference he really can't be surprised if you are peeved/hurt, but I wouldn't see this as a reason to veto.

4) One night he got particularly drunk and had unprotected sex with her. Ok, I get being super drunk and making a mistake. However, he did not tell me. I found out inadvertently. He said that even though it was one of our golden rules, he thought that because it had to do with sex (and I didn't want to hear about sex with her) that he wasn't ever going to tell me.

I'm all for understanding that people make mistakes (I've made plenty myself!), even though this one is pretty big, in my eyes. But not telling you? -- see my response to #2. This can actually materially affect you, in terms of health and safety - and would be the one exception to the "don't tell me details" rule (again, which should have been explicitly agreed to from the beginning).

5) He did a lot of telling me one thing and telling her another.

Careful with this one. It often comes down to "He said, she said." People hear what they want to hear and put a spin on their own actions based on their revised memories of what they think was said. Eyewitness accounts are notoriously full of errors. (i.e., "You said x but I knew you meant y." = "You said Y.") Unless you have emails (or some other objective record) where you/someone can point to where something may have been misinterpreted... meh.

6) Because I was close with her as well, they would both bitch to me about what the other was doing. A lot.

This is a difficult position. It's up to the person doing the listening to decide what they can tolerate, and stop the discussion if it gets to be too much. ("I care about you and I care about her, but I am too close to the situation to hear this. Please stop talking to me about XYZ. I encourage you to find another support person to talk to if you two can't work this out between the two of you.")

MrS is very, very good at providing objective observations and support without taking sides. Dude isn't good at realizing when a situation doesn't need his input (so MrS and I will tell him to butt out). When Lotus talks to me about Dude, I find it is easier if I put my "professional" hat on while listening, then take it off again and go into "friend/confidante" mode when I am giving her advice based on what I know about Dude personally.

(Both Dude and Lotus have volunteered that anything that one of them shares with me or MrS may/should be shared with the others. This was not asked for/requested, but something that they independently desire.)

So, after the constant drama, and me feeling like he was emotionally unreliable to me, I told him that I didn't want him to stay with her, as it felt like it was damaging to our marriage. He agreed, but is very angry (to be expected) and I am getting tons of shit for being "bad" at poly.

"He agreed." I think is the important bit. I would not want drama/emotional unreliability in my life either. Whether or not a veto was the best solution - he "agreed" that staying with her was damaging to your marriage, no?

As for being "bad at poly," it sounds like there are a few areas for improvement all around. Clarifying "hard limits" (like "no sleeping in the same bed until everyone is on board," and "I don't want to know details except those, like safer-sex "fails," that could impact my health) seems vital. Working on recognizing NRE and minimizing its effect on ongoing relationships by setting aside "no phones" time would be another area to work on. Also, as his tendency to be a "leaky hinge" when it comes to information and emotions could be tightened up.

...but I admit that I have said things that I believed at the time, but later were not ok with. I know this makes it so that he can't trust me. But I honestly believed every single thing I said as I said it.

I've done this too. I react to something, and say something that I mean at the time, but then realize later that it doesn't reflect my true self, or my reactions don't match up with my expectations. (I know that I have posted here about this before-- no idea what tag to search to bring up the threads related to this).

The best thing that I have figured out to do is to say, "I'm sorry. When I said ABC, I thought I would be okay with XYZ. But turns out that I was wrong. I find that I think DEF instead," and to do it as quickly as possible (i.e., as soon as I realize it). Holding on and letting things progress because I think I should feel or act a certain way doesn't help. It just seems to escalate my response.

I realize that this got fairly long. I apologize. Take the useful bits and disregard the rest.

JaneQ

P.S. It looks like it took me so long to compose my post that others got in ahead of me. More reading to catch up on.

 

[london]

I have said things that I believed at the time, but later was not okay with.

This is backtracking. This creates confusion.

People make mistakes. Their communication wasn't clear. The trust was damaged before they even started.

Using a veto is never appropriate. It is the marriage that is damaged and needs vetoing, not the girlfriend.

ETA: whilst I think it is quite normal to misjudge how you'll feel about something, I think it's unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship to permit your partner to interact with someone in a certain way, then take that thing off the table. The OP doesn't explicitly say she did agree, then forbid those things, but there is a fine line between being forthcoming about your insecurities and indirectly pressuring someone to change their behaviour due to your insecurities. This is something I've dealt with myself recently. Being so open about my insecurities around a certain issue influenced my partner into changing his behaviour, to his detriment. Even worse, him changing his behaviour and pandering to my insecurities meant that I had no way of ever overcoming them. I wasn't able to exercise them, so to speak.

 

[london]

Holding on and letting things progress because I think I should feel or act a certain way doesn't help. It just seems to escalate my response.

I do agree with this, to an extent. You see, I think if you consent to polyamory, you're letting your spouse have other romantic relationships that will often not involve you at all. You can't agree for your husband to have a girlfriend and then control how she is his girlfriend. If you have insecurities that are going to affect how they relate to each other, but you still want to be poly, you have to fake it till you make it. But do remember that is super important to me to have organic relationships that aren't paced or controlled by anyone other than the people in them.

 

[Emm]

This looks like a good time to remind everyone that judging the validity of another's poly based on your own preferences is not welcome here. If you have constructive suggestions to make, make them. If you're just going to throw blame and judgement around, then do so elsewhere.

 

[london]

Nobody is doing that. I gave feedback the OP asked for. Of course, in a veto thread, people are going to give their opinions on vetoes. That's what happened in every other veto thread. I don't see what the issue with saying why I think vetoes are a bad thing is against any posting guidelines. I gave my perception of the situation; I gave suggestions. I didn't say their poly was invalid, I said they had trust issues in their relationship. I don't appreciate anyone trying to silence me because they disagree with my views. Vetoes cover up flaws in the relationship, they disguise contention between couples and they are a bad thing. That's the stance I will take in any veto thread.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I think, if you consent to polyamory, you're letting your spouse have other romantic relationships that will often not involve you at all. You can't agree for your husband to have a girlfriend, and then control how she is his girlfriend. If you have insecurities that are going to affect how they relate to each other, but you still want to be poly, you have to fake it till you make it. It is super important to me to have organic relationships that aren't paced or controlled by anyone other than the people in them.

We don't disagree.

I'm fine with being "uncomfortable" until a "new normal" is reached. But hiding my reactions, letting them ferment and stew, is counter-productive. For me, it is better to voice my discomfort and ask for things within our relationship that are "do-able" to assuage my perceived needs. For instance: "Don't have sex with your crazy ex-gf in our bed while I am trying to SLEEP in it" does not seem unreasonable to me.

I'm not saying that he can't have his ex over. I'm not saying that he can't sleep with her (condom rule in place). I'm not saying that he can't sleep with her in our/his bed. What I am asking is that they not have sex in the bed while I AM TRYING TO SLEEP IN IT.

This (being uncomfortable and asking for a change) is, for me, a rare occurrence. I can recall the few times that it has happened. On every occasion the "issue" was resolved within 48 hours.

 

[london]

Hmm, yeah, agreed. Though your extreme example makes it clear how what they do and when they do it directly affects you. You'd be in bed with them humping away. I think it becomes more complex when how it is affecting the metamour is sort of vague, or the extra protection it offers is non-existent, like allowing your husband to have a girlfriend, but prohibiting them from certain sexual acts. You are opening yourself up to all you fear, plus the likelihood of betrayal when your spouse gives into their urge to express their affection for someone they've bonded with in the way that they want to.

 

[Emm]

That's the stance I will take in any veto thread.

And you are welcome to do so, if you do it calmly and with consideration for the person to whom you are talking. You may not, however, keep doing so over and over again, until you've driven everyone else off the thread because you won't allow them to talk about any other angle.

 

[london]

If someone directly disagrees with what I say, especially if they quote me, I am perfectly entitled to further clarify, expand or support my views. Trying to silence me by preventing me from expressing and standing by my point of view when it is challenged simply because you find my opinions distasteful is oppressive and domineering. You are a moderator-- feel free to moderate me if I violate the forum guidelines with personal attacks. Preemptively trying to silence me is not moderating, it is trying to prevent me from expressing myself.

 

[Emm]

London, not everything is about you. I was not pre-emptively trying to silence anyone. I issued a general warning in a thread with the potential to get nasty in the hopes that it wouldn't end up like so many others have in recent weeks.

If you have any further moderation-related issues you want to raise with me do it via PM and stop interrupting this thread.

 

[scarletzinnia]

I don't think you did anything wrong, theveronica, although I don't think what you did constitutes a veto. I think of a veto as a statement that you are not okay with a particular person being in your lives. However, it doesn't seem to me that your husband's former partner was really the main problem here. Yes, she appears to have crappy communication skills, and may be somewhat volatile and prone to drama. And certainly, having unprotected sex without your consent was totally, completely unacceptable. (She sounds immature. How old is she?)

But overall, your husband was the main problem here, not her.

Neglecting his children was not okay. Having unprotected sex with his girlfriend was not okay, even though he'd been drinking. And failing to be transparent about it afterwards was even worse. If you made it clear to him that your boundary was not hearing details of their intimate time together, then telling you those details anyway was not okay. Letting their relationship drama spill over to your home life repeatedly was not okay, especially since your health is not good.

I think you should clarify to your husband and his girlfriend that you are not supportive of him having any poly relationship at this time, that your withdrawal of support for their relationship was not a personal judgment of her. I do not believe that he is capable, at this time, of pursuing any kind of poly relationship without harming your relationship further. I think you would be making a huge mistake to encourage him to go forth and try with a different partner. Sure, he might find someone more mature than his first one, but he's still going to mess things up, and yet another person is going to get hurt.

Your husband obviously has some unexplored issues that are getting in the way of him having a successful poly relationship at this time. I can say with certainty that insensitivity and poor communication skills are two of them. On a deeper level, I would say that repressed anger is almost certainly a factor in his behavior, perhaps anxiety too. Anxiety issues can get in the way of being honest and responsible in a poly relationship, big time.

I would strongly recommend that you two visit a poly-friendly therapist as soon as you can. There is a list online that can help you find one.
Here is the link:

http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/main.php

If there isn't anyone in your area on this list, you should know that some therapists do Skype sessions. I can recommend someone really good who does those. Just PM me if you'd like the info.

 

[Dana]

The word "veto" has become a tempest in part because of the way it frames the dynamic. We imagine someone sitting behind a desk and stamping a piece of paper. Relationships do not work this way. You had terms for a new venture into poly that you agreed on. At the base was a desire on your part (and his) to explore this with some sort of a safety net, so you wouldn't lose the best parts of what you have. Fear drives us to do such things, and veto power is a huge perceived safety net that may feel very comforting at the onset.

This is not to say that it should never be used. In cases of deception, sexual risk, crossing boundaries, etc., it is often used as a replacement for what I call "voting myself off the island." You tried to vote her off the island instead, and it backfired, because in fact, the decision was not his. He did not see the damage their relationship was doing enough to want to to end it. It could very well be that if he had continued on, he would have seen it, but too late. Now though, everything could be different, and it could be far harder to get back on track.

The thing is, poly can be messy. You have this picture in your head of what it will be, before you launch off, and then every relationship you encounter seems to bust the picture. It's because all the players are real, flawed, and human. You cannot control human behavior in the way that a veto will take care of. It isn't a Band-Aid for your existing relationship. In fact, it may be one additional wound.

I get it. I've been on both sides of this equation. It's not easy and it's not without consequence. But I suggest you dig deep and re-examine what the real relationship problem is. I suspect it's not to do with his reaction to the veto itself.

 

[london]

One of the things I've never understood about vetoes is why the relationship remains open after a veto has been called. I mean, let's suppose the veto was called because the hinge wasn't maintaining both relationships and fulfilling their other responsibilities. Surely that means that there is an issue in the primary relationship(s) and the primary partner has decided that can't happen whilst the hinge is having other relationships. It isn't personal against the secondary. It is the hinge who is the issue. They are the one who is allowing whatever is going on in one relationship to affect the other.

But things have to be fair; there are at least two people in the primary relationship, and one can't have the freedom to have outside relationships whilst the other doesn't, unless that person agrees to do so without coercion. The only way to maximise certainty in that is if they freely volunteer. If things are so bad that a veto has to be used, surely you are vetoing polyamory and not just the person they happen to be with at that time. Surely that deflects the accountability from the "leaky hinge" (thanks for that term, guys) to the secondary partner, who has absolutely no responsibility to maintain your relationship, and fails to acknowledge that the problem is the primary relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that closing the relationship is the solution for this, or any problem. I believe your poly identity should be independent of any relationship you are currently in, and people who have a damaged marriage, for example, may have perfectly healthy relationships with other people. I just don't understand why veto means, "We need to work on us; that relationship ends now," rather than, "We need to work on us; we close our relationship now." I know the latter means more innocent people get hurt unfairly, but it seems more logical if you are going to allow vetoes to be part of your relationship in order to ensure it survives above all others.

 

[bookbug]

I have to agree with the other commenters - the gf was not the problem (except for perhaps also bending your ear about their issues), it was your husband's inability to respect your boundaries. And a new, different gf won't change that.

As far as the TMI issue, being a bit more assertive yourself when it happens would probably help. If I were in your place and started hearing details about sex or their conflicts, I would say, "I would love to talk to you, but I won't listen to things that should be private between you and your gf. I respect her too much for that." And then I would walk away. Done enough, and maybe he would learn where the privacy line lies. I suspect that he doesn't start out intending to break the privacy rule, but as a married couple he has become used to sharing everything with you and he can't always see where that line is.

So yeah, vetoing this particular gf won't solve these problems. They will reoccur with the next one. Perhaps, you should reconsider the veto and focus in on his behavior. Ask him how he intends to handle your grievances in a respectful and mature fashion.

 

[Dagferi]

The husband is the problem, not the girlfriend.

Hopefully he will learn from this experience.

 

[Hmm]

After they started sleeping together, I told him that their sex life was their business, just like mine is with my partner. I was thrilled that he found someone that he was compatible with in so many ways, but I didn't need to hear about what she looks like when she comes and how naughty she was acting last night (which he totally did, regardless of the boundaries of my comfort level). I am a believer in the privacy that two people have when having sex is what makes it personal and special.

I am okay with you guys telling me that I was wrong. I just need....I don't know, a fresh perspective.

My thoughts are that your desires to control and barrier the flow between you and your husband are making an uncomfortable restraint for all of you. Love isn't something that can be dammed easily like a river. It flows to its own pattern which should be explored and understood, not restrained and kept "in check," with proper and open communication, which goes with the same flow love does, where everything can be said and accepted would help make for a much healthier relationship, in my opinion.

Ask yourself, why don't you want to hear about how his sex was with her? Why does that put you off? I'm thinking that this "I don't want to hear about it" attitude is partly what's making your husband a little frustrated and like he can't express what he feels. His excitement for his new love and wanting to share the details, to me, seems like he is really happy for himself and wants to share that happiness with you. Mindfully having the compersion to hear that story, and not be put off by but rather being able to love the gratuitous details of his sex and openly accepting them, being able to share something that makes you happy with someone you love makes the experience much, much more positive. Being grateful for his happiness would foster a deeper flow of communication and bonding between you and your husband.

I said I preferred that they don't sleep in the bed together as he and I had not hashed all of that out yet, but if you'd like her to stay over that would be fine. He crawled into bed with her in the middle of the night regardless.

Clearly, on his part, he is choosing not to communicate his frustrations very clearly and is not facing you honestly. Not being able to come clean and say to you, "I'm not comfortable with being told what to do like that," and instead just going for what he wants, shows me something on his end which is straining your relationship further.

One night he got particularly drunk and had unprotected sex with her. Okay, I get being super drunk and making a mistake. However, he did not tell me. I found out inadvertently. He said that even though it was one of our golden rules, he thought that because it had to do with sex (and I didn't want to hear about sex with her) that he wasn't ever going to tell me.

Going further on his not being able to come clean... I don't condone it but I can understand it. It's clear he's being cowardly by not wanting to openly disagree with you. I can imagine it's not difficult when your wife has rules, ultimatums, and the power to totally veto your decisions, he may feel powerless, and that he is getting by getting away with not communicating, he's not going to want to change.

He did a lot of telling me one thing and telling her another.

It just keeps showing up, how he is unwilling to face the necessary discomforts that come with honesty and just wants things to go smoothly and comfortably. All the "constant drama" to me sounds like a group who want to enjoy what they have without really wanting to change, going through discomfort in building that trust, fostering openness and love. There are emotions I feel like all of you, especially the both of you, which are not being properly explored but in his case, smoothly evaded, and in your case, vetoed or out-of-bounds.

Someone said it earlier that your marriage needs the veto. I think that's a harsh way of putting it, but sometimes you really can't change people, only yourself. Your husband has gotten into a habit of dishonesty and it will only cause you stress and strife trying to force it out of him when he doesn't comply fully. It takes a sense of self-reliance to be okay when other partners don't go your way, and looking deeper into why you act the way you do. It's also very important to have a partner whom you can trust, and communicate anything to openly, frustrations and victories alike. I believe stepping back and letting go to reevaluate the relationship would be healthy, a chance to readjust and grow.

I can't tell you what you "should" do to make it right, as I don't know who you are or what you think you want or will be most truly happy with. I hope my reflections on this hold some value in letting you see a different perspective so you can decide for yourself where to go. Best of luck

 

[ButtercupGirl]

Hi theveronica,

I honestly think you did the right thing. I get that the practice of vetoing is frowned upon by many. However, if that is what you and your husband agreed to, there is nothing wrong with following your agreement. It seems clear that he was breaking your trust repeatedly, and I think it is reasonable to ask a relationship to be ended if it is damaging your relationship with him.

My triad has a veto rule. We don't want to ever use it and all of us hope to basically outgrown the need for it before it is ever used, but for now that is what the three of us need. We've been through a lot of tough stuff together, and I think the veto rule, along with our version of hierarchy, are our security blanket until we've had enough positive experiences to move forward without those things.

You and your husband are adults who made agreements and a veto rule was part of that. He knew that was part of the deal. I understand him being upset, but in many ways he created the problem by breaking rules/your trust.

Hang in there. Try to be supportive of his sorrow, accepting of his anger, but also focus on rebuilding the trust between the two of you so that both of you can move forward in a positive way.