I do but I don't want to be poly

K

kimmiekins

New member
Hey everybody! I've been reading a lot of posts and gained an incredible amount of insight, but I'd love any direct advice you have to offer. I'm 20 and I've been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 15 months. We've practically lived together since May, and officially moved in together in August. We also have a roommate that has lived with me since March and became one of my closest friends. Our relationship and overall lives are pretty incredible, especially for how young we are, and we plan on getting engaged within the year.

My boyfriend is the one who has brought up the idea multiple times, mostly in the context of a threesome (but he says he would be open to me having sex with another man so that the dynamic of our relationship maintains equal.) I would consider a threesome because I know it's such a sexual fantasy for men, but I also don't think I would like seeing my boyfriend doing such an intimate thing with another woman. And as far as another man, I don't want to just have meaningless sex. Therefore, I've come to the idea of an actual polyamorous relationship. But even that makes me nervous.

My favorite part of our relationship is our communication and trust, so I know that wouldn't be an issue. From what I gather, one of the reasons poly is great is great because you can get different things from the different relationships. But that makes me slightly upset because I want to be the person who provides everything he wants or needs (even if he is primarily looking at this from a sexual, as opposed to emotional, perspective). On a completely contradicting note, my boyfriend and I are rather different so it might be nice to have a relationship in which I get things I don't necessarily get now. Nothing significant that I'm pining for, but little things that could be fun and enjoyable. But that leads to two more fears. I'm afraid that if we're getting something from somebody else, we may start to resent that we don't get it from each other. And if he finds somebody who somehow gives him everything, I'm afraid he'd fall for her over me.

I know that the primary thing that needs to happen is an open conversation, and I know that we'll be able to successfully have one. However, my qualms are personal and not about him. Does anybody have any advice for how to get over these feelings? Also, suggestions for how to transition into a poly relationship, typical guidelines/structures/rules (I'm not sure of the proper term) and specific topics we need to be sure to address in our conversation are more than welcome as well. Thanks in advance!
 
Everything?

Do you really want to be everything to him? So he only comes to you....for everything? Not to family, friends.....just you? Suppose he has a female friend who he becomes very close to....who he confides in. Is that really not okay?

I don't really think you're like that, just making a point here that you likely don't mean that literally. You want him to have others that aren't you in his life....you just don't want him having sex with them. Or is that it?

What is it about his having other relationships that bothers you? Do you think he'll feel less for you? Have less time? Not judging, but if you assess this, it'll help you figure out if poly is right for you.

For example, if it's a time issue. Surely you don't spend 100% of your time together. He has other friends, hobbies, work. What if he ensured that you didn't lose any time that was yours, but only time that he'd be spending elsewhere anyway? If he really feels unable to meet your needs on his own, can he help you meet another guy/girl to develop a relationship with? Figure out what his expectations and yours are....and see if you two really are the right fit.

So, what is the real issue here? By the way, if it really IS "He'll find someone who can give him everything," I'll end your worries right here. That's impossible. No one can be someone's "everything." Doesn't exist.
 
perhaps you should 'test the waters' a bit,...Set yourself up with a date with a guy (even if its fake),...go out for the evening,...check yourself into a motel, and not come back till the next mid day...See if he is truly ready to trust you going out with other men. If he has hangups about it, then let him know thats the shoes he is trying to pit you in. Fantasy is one thing,...swinging is another,...but a poly relationship takes real dedication. Without that commitment and serious dedication, people get hurt in a kind of way that cannot be undone.

I would suggest that if life lends itself the opportunity for you to fulfil his fantasy, then perhaps go with the flow, but be clear, your concerns with him, and anyone else involved. One big one I see is him not bragging to his buds about this whole situation. Nothing worse than EGO, messing a good thing up.
 
Here are the things I think of when I consider the fears you mention.

Consider a mother, father, and child. A child receives certain things from it's mother that it doesn't get from it's father. Likewise, it gets certain things from it's father it doesn't get from it's mother. Does the child resent the father because it isnt it's mother? Does it resent the mother? What about it's aunt? Grandfather? Everybody is unique and it's their uniqueness that enrich our lives. One does not resent a tree because it is not grass. It is because they are different that we can enjoy cool shade for our head and soft foundation for our feet.

The security of monogamy is an illusion. If there is a person out there who can be everything to him, will this person not also be there if you're in a monogamous relationship with him? If you love him and want what is best for him, wouldn't you want him to exerience the joy of having a relationship with that person? Or, would you prefer to be the person who binds him. Hold him back from experiencing the richness of that relationship? Do you love him enough to risk misery?

A wise man once said that attachment is the source of all misery. It's only when you get to the point of being able to let something go that you are able to enjoy it's richness. So he may run off with someone else. He may also get hit by a bus. Neither polyamory nor monogamy can change the outcome of either of those events. It is only when you accept that he may be gone tomorrow that you can truly appreciate what you have with him today. Love him today, because tomorrow may never come.
 
I do and I don't mean literally. I definitely don't mean I want him to be exclusively everything, I just want to be ABLE to provide everything he wants or needs. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it makes me feel like "not enough" for him to need to go outside of our relationship for something. Because he meets all of my needs, but there's insignificant wants. For example, we don't like the same movies. So it could be nice to snuggle up and watch one with somebody who's also actively enjoying it.

I think my mental block is largely about the sexual part (which was mainly his intention). We already have friends of either gender that we're close to and confide in and I'm not worried we would lose time together. But it bothers me to think that he could share such an intimate connection with somebody else. True, he originally intended for it to be meaningless sex as a means of fun/experimentation, but if we're going to have sex with other people I'd rather have a connection. So I definitely think "testing the waters" is a good idea for him to realize what's he's ultimately suggesting.
 
BigGuy, that helped a LOT. Ultimately I either trust him and have faith in our relationship or I don't. And I do, so I guess there's no reason to not want to explore everything in our lives that could provide happiness.
 
That post was great as well. We're definitely type A, and I think the fear was stemming from the assumption we should be bored or unhappy to need another person.
 
Dstone said:
perhaps you should 'test the waters' a bit,...Set yourself up with a date with a guy (even if its fake),...go out for the evening,...check yourself into a motel, and not come back till the next mid day...See if he is truly ready to trust you going out with other men.
Click to expand...
Really? You'd recommend playing juvenile games rather than trying for an adult meeting of minds? I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if I found a partner had tried something like that with me, but it probably wouldn't be what they were hoping for.
 
Here's the summary as I see it. I could be wrong. So please correct, ok?

BACKGROUND
  • We are adults that live together.
  • We are 20 and 25 yrs old.
  • We are planning our engagement.
  • As part of those serious conversations, we've been contemplating how casual sex threesome experiments or branching into polyamorous relationship could fit in with our future life. (If at all.)
    -- Are we each WILLING?
    -- Are we each ABLE?

CURRENT ISSUES

Could deal with things one at a time. First up?

My boyfriend brings up threesome experiments with 2 women. (I am one of the women)
  • I don't want my BF having sex with another woman.
  • I am not willing to participate like that.
  • My preference is for him to be monoamorous to me. I want to be the person who provides everything he wants or needs in romantic relationship.

CONCLUSION: That greys out. Off the table. ​

Next item?

My BF brings up threesome experiment with 2 men. (He's one of the men)

Upon consideration I find I have lots of concerns.
  • I wouldn't want it to be casual sex only.
  • Even in a more "serious" context it makes me nervous.
  • I am afraid engaging in this behavior would cause us to move apart. I prefer he and I be together alone.

CONCLUSION: It is fun to fantasize about. I would consider a threesome with 2 men (MFM) well before an (FMF). But even though that one ranks a higher than the other? I am not willing to participate in that either. I value monoshipping more. So this greys out. ​

Next item?

My BF and I are rather different, so it might be nice to have a relationship in which I get things I don't necessarily get now.

  • Do you mean socially? That could be "find more friends to spend time with" rather than "find a new lover."
  • Do you mean within the existing relationship? You could ask if BF is willing and able to meet the needs he is not meeting at this time.
  • Do you mean outside the relationship? This greyed out already because you are not willing to participate in concurrent relationships.

CONCLUSION -- You could spent some time in this area to clarify your thoughts in this bucket. Colored partially ORANGE for pending more thought. ​

Next item?

I am not sure this is the best time to be considering threesomes/engagement.

  • Given that engagement time is near.
  • Given that we are 20 and 25 -- and the brain is still undergoing development. We could postpone making major life decisions for a bit.
  • Given that I just discovered my BF values sex differently than I do. It bothers me to find out that he is up for meaningless sex share as fun/experimentation. I want my sex shares to have meaning.

Conclusion: Engagement time IS the time to be assessing if you are compatible in all your values and preferences before you create greater commitments and entanglements between you. Legal, financial, co-parenting if you have kids, etc. Including whether or threesome sex will be wanted after marriage or not. And if these encounters will be meaningful or not, polysexual, polyamorous or BOTH (polysexual and polyamorous).

Could get clear on your values and your expectations of (yourselves) and of (each other) and of (the marriage.) Could deal with each layer at a time.

In those conversations could take a step back to see if at 20 and 25 years old, this is the best time for you both to be getting engaged. Maybe you don't really want to be engaged at all or you want a super long engagement?

Could not take on two big things at the same time -- (engaged to consider marriage and how to be together in marriage) or (engaged to consider open relationship models and how to be together in one) That's TWO serious engagements and could not try to do both at the same time.

Could spend time clarifying your thoughts in this bucket and talking with your partner about his preferences before/after marriage. Colored orange for "still in progress." ​

Last thing you need is to start a serious thing with someone new if you are threesome experimenting and then later come to find your fiancee expects you to break up before marriage, right? Could talk this stuff OUT before you ACT. Get clear on what your values are for engagement, for marriage and for polyshipping -- IF you really want to go there.

If you want to read more about poly

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/

But to me you sound like you prefer meaningful sex, monoamory, and monogamy for your romances. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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I think other folk's posting on the myth that one person could be one's all and everything are spot on. You seem to have mulled that one over.

Have you considered that you are simply monogamous? Just because you realize that being everything to another is not possible doesn't mean you can't be someone's first priority, only lover, and vice versa. Some people just find monogamy suits them better. And that is completely ok.

You have conflicted feelings about threesomes or group sex. I find many people have similar conflicts - it's not uncommon at all. It seems mainly to be something you are thinking about to please your partner. It is certainly a godo thing to explore your sexual wants, needs, fantasies. (Lots of people start this in their 20s but, really, it's something that should be lifelong.) And being accepting and generous about a partner's desires and fantasies is not wrong either. But there are things that you may not like. Don't hesitate to set boundaries if you find you just don't want to go there.

If you do go the poly route, group sex is not a requirement. A lot of poly folks enjoy group sex but probably just as many are 'eh, no thanks' about it.

Best of luck!
 
UPDATE: My boyfriend (SZ) and I had an in depth conversation last night and I understand a lot more now. I personally see sex as an intimate connection and activity, so when he brought up the idea of polysexual activities (which was always done in a casual manner, not as part of our serious conversations about our future) my mind assumed it meant polyamory. I respect and appreciate the polyamorous lifestyle but personally prefer a monoamorous relationship in which, as galagirl said, I provide everything SZ wants or needs in a romantic relationship.

When SZ realized how I interpreted the suggestion, he recanted. He witnessed serial cheating as he grew up and desires a monoship as well. His suggestion was intended to be a MFF experience that we would have together as a sexual bucket list item. He emphasized that he's as happy as I am in our relationship and that my feelings supersede any casual sexual desire. Now that I understand a polysexual activity can be done in a monoamorous manner, I am more open to the idea in order to allow him to experience everything he desires. However, he said he would leave that decision up to me and if/when I ever feel fully comfortable I could be the one to reapproach the topic.

We rediscussed our values and plans for our engagement, marriage, and overall lives together. As always, we are on the same page and happily concluded that we are, and will remain, a monamorous and monogamous couple. I understand that we are young and our brains are still developing, but when you meet the love (or loves!) of your life, you know it and I am confident that we will remain happy together.

I realize that some of my wording to you guys may have been confusing (for example, I never meant to imply that any of my needs are not met in our relationship or that I was ever "unwilling" to try anything that SZ may have desired) so I'd be happy to clarify anything if needed. I cannot thank everybody enough for your insight. Though I realize poly was not intended to be an option in my relationship and will not ultimately take place, you helped me better communicate what I was feeling and why.
 
That's fantastic that you guys could work through this in a positive way,...It sounds like, as well, that his head is screwed on straight toward your feelings and needs. These days, that seems to be rare among mono couples.

Good luck with your adventures in life and love....Dstone
 
Yes, but

That's awesome that you talked. Please be warned, though: Giving you and him the chance to be with another physically, opens the door to emotional attachments. You and he may not say now that you don't want anyone else. But controlling feelings isn't so easy.
 
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