I don't feel supportive of my partner's other relationship anymore

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erin85

New member
Hi, this is my first post here, but I am not new to poly. I've been at it a long time! My current partner and I have been together for over 6 years, and he has been with his other partner for about 4. In the beginning of their relationship, there were some discomforts (NRE, she was new to poly, etc. etc.), but after a few months, things more or less settled for me. I felt like their relationship had some unhealthy dynamics and still does, but I knew they loved each other. I have tried my best not to interfere and to let things take their course, while still trying to be up front when asked about any concerns. And I have tried to be a "good" metamour. Initially, I felt that we could be friends and I tried to be. But over the years, I have gotten to know her more, and...well, it sounds awful, but I just don't really like her. I don't like having her as a metamour. I understand that she means a lot to my partner, though, so I have tried to think of her as his family, and to treat her the way I would any of his other family members, my personal feelings aside. (FWIW, I've never had this happen with a metamour before; usually I stay friendly with them even after they are no longer with one of my partners). And mostly, that has worked just fine.

In the past few months, things have taken a turn for the worse in their relationship, and they recently took a break to reevaluate. During the break, he told me he had come to the decision that it would be best for him to break up with her. And I was relieved to hear it, as bad as that sounds. Happy, even. But then, they went to therapy together at her request, and now it looks like they want to try and work things out. And I want to be happy for them, or at least supportive. But instead I just feel disappointed. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? If so, how did you handle it? I would be grateful for any advice as to how I can get back to being a supportive metamour and partner during this time.
 
erin85 said:
And I want to be happy for them, or at least supportive. But instead I just feel disappointed. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? If so, how did you handle it?
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I do. I don't particularly like my Meta. She's not the kind of person I would befriend, although we did just fine as acquitances. I've got some warm feelings towards her (understanding, mostly, and respect for her abilities), but if we're in the same room for more then an hour I generally get annoyed.

I find it waries depending on whether jealousy is in the picture or not (if I'm doing ok with him, I can usually support their relationship just fine), but I've felt all the ways from compersion towards wanting to push her out of the picture.

I don't think it's rare, but I'm also feeling ashamed about it. I'll follow this thread with you.

I think it's understandable, that you feel disappointment. You'd rather he'd pick someone else. It's just a preference.
You've dealt just fine for a few years, so I think you do have some coping strategies. I think you can just wait out the disappointment, and maybe negotiate some changes in the freqency of contact with her etc.
 
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Hi erin85,

I suggest that you put as much distance as possible between you and your metamour. Does your partner know of your true feelings about her? If not, maybe now is the time to tell him. Not that you won't support him, but that you have issues with her and need to distance yourself from her. Not that he has to do anything, but that he should be aware of what's going on, and why you do the things you do. Just pretending like everything is fine and pasting a smile on your face sounds to me like a recipe for trouble.

It might also help if your partner would cut down how much he tells you about her to a bare minimum. This way you don't have to think about her all the time.

There's no rule that says you have to be your metamour's friend. If anything, if you have to be in their company, it's enough to be polite towards them.

At least that's how I see it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

During the break, he told me he had come to the decision that it would be best for him to break up with her. And I was relieved to hear it, as bad as that sounds. Happy, even. But then, they went to therapy together at her request, and now it looks like they want to try and work things out. And I want to be happy for them, or at least supportive. But instead I just feel disappointed.
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FWIW? I think you could tell your partner this is what you are currently feeling. You were initially relieved to hear it was over, and now feel disappointed it might keep going.

Could ask for what you need at this time -- some space to process. And less updates from him about how that side is going until he is certain about something. Not the "play-by-play" up and down and he digests it because it's too rollercoaster for you to be following along THAT closely.

Could state that you are willing to try to be supportive, and what "supportive" will look like: be polite should you bump into her, coordinate calendars, etc.

Don't place any evaluation words like "happy" on it. If all you can manage right now is "basic polite" like you would any bank teller or grocery clerk? That's all you can manage right now.

If it is active dislike that grates on you all the time? The burden becomes too great?

Then you might consider going "super minimal" and practicing a very "separate V. Ask partner not give you any info about the other person other than labs when needed. Ask your hinge to talk to people OTHER than you if there's problems on that side. "Supportive" from you at this level is a willingness to be dating concurrently, but that's about it.

If it's too great even for that? Consider bowing out of this network so you don't have to do "basic polite" or "super minimal" any more. You can do "nothing."

Galagirl
 
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Hey erin,

Can I ask, what specifically about this metamour is it that you don't like? Is it just the unhealthy dynamics in her relationship with him (and what are those dynamics), or is it something in her personality? If you could go into more detail, we might be able to give more/better advice.

Hope I'm not prying.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, everyone. This was really great. I went ahead and told my partner how I was feeling, and I am so glad I did. I feel very validated.

FWIW, initially the things I didn't like about her were just minor personality quirks that were harmless, and I tolerated them and it was not hard to find things to like about her. But over time, that has changed. I'll just say that she is pretty draining, negative, and self-absorbed. I realized at one point that, were she not my partner's partner, I would not be trying to maintain any sort of a relationship with her. She is just not the kind of person I would choose to have in my life.
 
That makes sense.

I'm glad the talk with your partner went well. Keep those channels of communication open, and things will work out in the future.
 
Glad to hear that you talked to your partner and feel validated.

I'll just say that she is pretty draining, negative, and self-absorbed. I realized at one point that, were she not my partner's partner, I would not be trying to maintain any sort of a relationship with her.
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Sounds like keeping it low contact/no contact could be helpful for you. Then you aren't being drained.

Galagirl
 
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