GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and he's still not comfortable with meeting my husband. Keeping my relationships completely compartmentalized like this makes me feel like I'm leading a secret double life. And I'm tired of feeling this way.
My husband Andy and I opened up our relationship a few years ago. At first we had the usual newbie rules (no feelings! no weekend dates!) but as we got more comfortable those rules relaxed or disappeared completely. One of the first ones to go was the "we have to meet each other's potential partners" rule. We still wanted everyone spending time together to be an option, but we gave up on the idea of forcing those encounters within some arbitrary timeframe.
So when I started dating Dag, and he admitted he'd never met any of his girlfriends' other partners and didn't think he'd ever want to, I didn't really think about it much. Why not enjoy dating him for now and worry about that later?
Well, it's later. A year later. Dag and I are still together. And Dag and Andy still haven't met or chatted online or talked on the phone. I've floated the idea many times but Dag either changes the subject or says "maybe it could be possible someday". Last week, I tried to have a serious talk with him about it. He said he knew it was important to me, and he'd think about it. We had lunch today, and when I asked about it, he just said he needed more time to think... But maybe it could be possible someday.
I know there is no one right way to "do poly", but keeping these two parts of my life completely separate is starting to really bother me. I feel like I'm sneaking around with Dag, having some sort of clandestine affair. (Except in that situation, I wouldn't see the disappointment on my husband's face every time I tell him that Dag still isn't interested in meeting him.)
I don't need or even want the one-big-happy-poly-family deal, and I don't need the two of them to be best buds. I don't need to meet his wife or kids, I understand that isn't on the table. I'd just like to include Dag in more of my life, the way I would with anyone I care about. To be able to invite him to join me and Andy if we happen to have plans on a night he's free. To have him hang out at my house and not panic about leaving before Andy comes home. To know that if there's some fun event all three of us want to attend, we can be in the same space without anyone feeling uncomfortable.
If anyone has been on my position (or Dag's) I could really use some advice. Not even sure what kind of advice I need - how to help Dag get comfortable with meeting my husband? How to accept that it isn't going to happen? I alternate between feeling like I'm being unfair by pushing his boundaries, and resenting him for not being able to budge on this at all.
My husband Andy and I opened up our relationship a few years ago. At first we had the usual newbie rules (no feelings! no weekend dates!) but as we got more comfortable those rules relaxed or disappeared completely. One of the first ones to go was the "we have to meet each other's potential partners" rule. We still wanted everyone spending time together to be an option, but we gave up on the idea of forcing those encounters within some arbitrary timeframe.
So when I started dating Dag, and he admitted he'd never met any of his girlfriends' other partners and didn't think he'd ever want to, I didn't really think about it much. Why not enjoy dating him for now and worry about that later?
Well, it's later. A year later. Dag and I are still together. And Dag and Andy still haven't met or chatted online or talked on the phone. I've floated the idea many times but Dag either changes the subject or says "maybe it could be possible someday". Last week, I tried to have a serious talk with him about it. He said he knew it was important to me, and he'd think about it. We had lunch today, and when I asked about it, he just said he needed more time to think... But maybe it could be possible someday.
I know there is no one right way to "do poly", but keeping these two parts of my life completely separate is starting to really bother me. I feel like I'm sneaking around with Dag, having some sort of clandestine affair. (Except in that situation, I wouldn't see the disappointment on my husband's face every time I tell him that Dag still isn't interested in meeting him.)
I don't need or even want the one-big-happy-poly-family deal, and I don't need the two of them to be best buds. I don't need to meet his wife or kids, I understand that isn't on the table. I'd just like to include Dag in more of my life, the way I would with anyone I care about. To be able to invite him to join me and Andy if we happen to have plans on a night he's free. To have him hang out at my house and not panic about leaving before Andy comes home. To know that if there's some fun event all three of us want to attend, we can be in the same space without anyone feeling uncomfortable.
If anyone has been on my position (or Dag's) I could really use some advice. Not even sure what kind of advice I need - how to help Dag get comfortable with meeting my husband? How to accept that it isn't going to happen? I alternate between feeling like I'm being unfair by pushing his boundaries, and resenting him for not being able to budge on this at all.