I feel like I'm leading a double life

GirlFromTexlahoma

New member
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and he's still not comfortable with meeting my husband. Keeping my relationships completely compartmentalized like this makes me feel like I'm leading a secret double life. And I'm tired of feeling this way.

My husband Andy and I opened up our relationship a few years ago. At first we had the usual newbie rules (no feelings! no weekend dates!) but as we got more comfortable those rules relaxed or disappeared completely. One of the first ones to go was the "we have to meet each other's potential partners" rule. We still wanted everyone spending time together to be an option, but we gave up on the idea of forcing those encounters within some arbitrary timeframe.

So when I started dating Dag, and he admitted he'd never met any of his girlfriends' other partners and didn't think he'd ever want to, I didn't really think about it much. Why not enjoy dating him for now and worry about that later?

Well, it's later. A year later. Dag and I are still together. And Dag and Andy still haven't met or chatted online or talked on the phone. I've floated the idea many times but Dag either changes the subject or says "maybe it could be possible someday". Last week, I tried to have a serious talk with him about it. He said he knew it was important to me, and he'd think about it. We had lunch today, and when I asked about it, he just said he needed more time to think... But maybe it could be possible someday.

I know there is no one right way to "do poly", but keeping these two parts of my life completely separate is starting to really bother me. I feel like I'm sneaking around with Dag, having some sort of clandestine affair. (Except in that situation, I wouldn't see the disappointment on my husband's face every time I tell him that Dag still isn't interested in meeting him.)

I don't need or even want the one-big-happy-poly-family deal, and I don't need the two of them to be best buds. I don't need to meet his wife or kids, I understand that isn't on the table. I'd just like to include Dag in more of my life, the way I would with anyone I care about. To be able to invite him to join me and Andy if we happen to have plans on a night he's free. To have him hang out at my house and not panic about leaving before Andy comes home. To know that if there's some fun event all three of us want to attend, we can be in the same space without anyone feeling uncomfortable.

If anyone has been on my position (or Dag's) I could really use some advice. Not even sure what kind of advice I need - how to help Dag get comfortable with meeting my husband? How to accept that it isn't going to happen? I alternate between feeling like I'm being unfair by pushing his boundaries, and resenting him for not being able to budge on this at all.
 
I really don't get what there is for him to think about so much. I'm not big on meeting my metamours, but I'm not totally against it. I've met one. If it comes up I'll meet another. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Does he say why?

Of course, you could just let him off the hook. It's been a whole year and everybody lived.
 
Let it go. He likes things the way they are. Maybe he's a bit of an introvert, maybe he just doesn't want to put a face to the name, but it would seem obvious that there is no way he will want be invited to do stuff with you and your hubby, either.

Why is hubby disappointed? Why does he want to meet the guy so much?
 
Thanks for the replies :)

Vinsanity, I think he is just nervous. He's worried it will be incredibly awkward. And I get that, I don't expect it would be at all awkward for me or my husband (we went out with my ex boyfriend several times and it was fine) but I can understand that Dag might be uncomfortable. He wants to do this for me, because he knows I would appreciate it, but conquering the fear of it going horribly is hard for him. He makes jokes about my hubby bringing a gun to the restaurant.

Nycindie, you make a good point that he probably won't get over the weirdness after one coffee and suddenly want to hang out with us all the time. (Though in my daydreams that's exactly what happens ;) )

As for why my husband wants to meet him... And why I want it to happen... We are both the kind of people who introduce all our friends to each other, to other friends, to our families. Even with friends I didn't meet until my late 20s, I know their parents - hell, I know their second cousins, and they know mine. So it just feels awkward and uncomfortable to have this person who's super important to me and he doesn't know anyone else in my life.

For my husband, I think there's also a bit of taking it personally - like, if he doesn't want to meet me, there must be something he dislikes about me. The idea that Dag simply has no interest just doesn't compute for him.

To be honest it doesn't really compute for me, either. Isn't part of getting to know someone meeting their other important people? I feel like his not wanting to do that keeps us from getting closer and growing our relationship :(
 
I don't have advice for you, but I totally get where you're coming from. I couldn't have someone incredibly important in my life not meet the other important people in my life. I definitely requested to meet Taylor early on (because I knew we'd run into each other eventually, not a rule but a request) and luckily, Roger and Jack have been good friends for many years.

Have you explained to him why it's important to you?
 
I prefer at least meeting my partners serious significant others at least once. Sometimes that's not a possibility. But I always figure that if say fox and I got in a car wreck or something that I could call his girlfriend etc. Meeting a meta in the ER is an awkward first meeting. You can't make people meet if they don't want to though
 
For my husband, I think there's also a bit of taking it personally - like, if he doesn't want to meet me, there must be something he dislikes about me. The idea that Dag simply has no interest just doesn't compute for him.

Well, he can't actually dislike someone he hasn't met, so that worry is unfounded.

But, yeah, his hesitation actually does compute for me. I am very introverted and like my privacy. I have very few close friends, and like to choose who I hang out with, not have it chosen for me. Personally, I wouldn't have too much of a problem, besides a little nervousness, over meeting the wife of a lover of mine, but I would absolutely hate it if I was then expected to socialize with her. That, to me, would feel oppressive (not the doing of it, but the expectation). I wouldn't have a problem if it was something I chose to do, but lay some expectation to do or be something and it rankles me. I remember having this one "best" friend who used to invite me over to her apartment and, when I got there, a couple of her other friends would be there. I would be so disappointed! I felt like they were taking up my special time with her, while my friend expected me to be chummy with them, when I really didn't want to be. I couldn't stand when she would do that, because I didn't want to hang out with a group -- I just wanted to hang out with her.

To be honest it doesn't really compute for me, either. Isn't part of getting to know someone meeting their other important people? I feel like his not wanting to do that keeps us from getting closer and growing our relationship

Hmm, see... what you're saying doesn't quite make sense to me. I don't need to meet anyone else in a lover's life to get to know them better or grow closer to that person. My relationship is with them, not their relatives and other friends. Sure, yes, you do get a little more insight into how they relate to people by the kinds of folks they surround themselves with, but -- oftentimes I have found that other people's opinions of or interactions with those I care about aren't very helpful most of the time.

Furthermore, knowing the other peeps in his social sphere isn't going to deepen anything between me and him. To me, it would more than likely feel like extra people getting in the way (sort of - not sure how to describe it). When I am in a relationship with someone, I like being in our own little world, our own private bubble, without distractions. Plus, I am always uncomfortable getting thrown into social settings where I'll be introduced as someone's girlfriend - ugh, the pressure!

But the sentence I bolded in your quote above is what really stood out to me. I absolutely feel it is possible to grow closer to someone without knowing all their friends and family, but I am puzzled by the term "growing our relationship." What do you mean by that? And what if your boyfriend is perfectly happy with the relationship as it is, and sees no need to "grow it," or see it "go somewhere?" What would be wrong with that? Isn't it good the way it is, right now? Where is it supposed to go?

Have you ever read about the Relationship Escalator? Maybe you'll find this interesting: Riding the relationship escalator (or not) | SoloPoly

Hope my perspective helps in some way.
 
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Getting different perspectives on this is a HUGE help, thank you everyone :)

Have you explained to him why it's important to you?

I've tried, but I've probably downplayed it some. I don't want Dag to feel pressured or guilty about his boundaries. Plus I feel bad about changing the "rules" after all this time. But... If our relationship had ended after a few months or stayed a super casual fuck buddy arrangement, I wouldn't care about him meeting my husband. It's just his being so awesome that has gotten him into this predicament :cool:

Nycindie's points about choosing your friends really hit home for me. Dag isn't introverted - the opposite actually - but he doesn't get truly close to a lot of people. So I definitely need to look at Dag and Andy meeting as an end in itself - like playful girl said, so they don't meet for the first time in the ER or something - and stop planning for some amazing future where we all hang out.

About growing the relationship... I'd say we are both happy with things now. It's not perfect, but what is ;)

We see each other once a week, maybe twice, for a few hours, with the (very) occasional overnight or weekend trip. We talk about wanting more time together, not having to spend all our time in restaurants and hotels, how nice it would be to have "normal" together time just watching tv or reading and cuddling.

Also, when I'm out with my husband, I check in with Dag and get the "miss you... Wish I could be there... I'm just home bored" stuff in reply.

So, I get a little frustrated, because it's 100% ok with me and Andy to have Dag join us for drinks if he's bored, or come hang with me at home whenever, either with Andy or while he's in another part of the house doing his own thing.

It's just the sense of, all this stuff you say you want? We could have that! It just involves you being at least acquainted with my husband. Maybe he doesn't feel like the trade off is worth it, I guess.
 
Also nycindie thank you for the Relationship Escalator link! I definitely do have a hard time letting go of the sense that relationships have to move forward or die. I get that my relationship with Dag can't follow the exact path my relationship with Andy did, but... It's like I'm still looking for at least a Relationship Elevator or a Relationship Staircase :eek:
 
Yeah, I'd say all of that to him, including not wanting to put pressure on him. Maybe if he understood why, to the level you described here, he may change his mind. Or maybe not, but then you'd know that too.

I like to be more entangled with my partners, but as nycindie pointed out, that's not how everyone approaches relationships! I certainly get where you're coming from.
 
Is it possible, that your boyfriend is jealous (or afraid to be jealous) despite everything you have lived?
 
Like Playfulgirl, I prefer that my partners at least have a face to put with each other's name in case something happens to me, or there's an issue or emergency and we need backup with one of the kids or something. (As happened last year; my car broke down and Hubby was working, so S2 took me to pick up Country at school.) I don't expect them to socialize; in my situation, Hubby is the introvert and doesn't really socialize with anyone, including me and his family. I just want them to recognize each other and to have had a brief conversation so things aren't awkward if they have to interact for other reasons.

I don't ask for that unless things are serious, though. Guy and Hubby met the same night Guy and I met (because Hubby was making one of his rare attempts at social interaction, so we were all at the same party), so I didn't have to introduce them. I asked Hubby and S2 to meet three months after S2 and I started seeing each other, after I told him I loved him and he said "likewise" and we established that we were in a relationship and that he wasn't going to see anyone other than me. Right now, I don't feel a need for Hubby to meet either Woody or Bouncer, though I anticipate that might change with Woody at some point soon.

For your situation, I might say to Dag, "I know you're uncomfortable about meeting my husband. I don't need you to hang out with us often if you'd rather not, but it would really help me--and him--if you and he met at least once so you know who each other is. He's completely okay with our relationship, so there's no worry about how he'll act. He just sees that you make me happy, and he wants to meet the person who makes me feel that way."
 
Is it possible, that your boyfriend is jealous (or afraid to be jealous) despite everything you have lived?

Maybe :confused: I honestly had never thought about that angle, and I don't know why not, I certainly have moments of jealousy of his wife.

Being jealous of her doesn't make me less open to meeting her though. I mean, yeah, I'm jealous that they can talk or kiss or have sex anytime, while he and I have to make a herculean effort to get those things. But... That's not her fault. It's just life, they've been married even longer than me and Andy, they have two young-ish kids, they share a home. And I'm grateful he has that, and her, because it means a devoted dad like Dag can have a relationship with a child-free perpetual adolescent like me ;)

I don't want assume I know Dag's feelings, but hmmm, he could be feeling some jealousy right now. My husband had a rough summer - foot surgery, followed by relationship drama with his BFF/work wife/"it's complicated" person. He wasn't up for going out or doing much for a while. Things are MUCH better now, and we've been focusing a lot of energy on rebuilding the "fun" side of our marriage, doing weekends away and date nights frequently. It hasn't affected the amount of time I spend with Dag or how often we talk but I'm sure he feels the shift in energy.

Reflections, I appreciate the encouragement to use my words better :eek: I will try to do that, both to communicate that this is important to me and to reassure him that he can talk to me if he's feeling jealous or neglected right now.
 
For your situation, I might say to Dag, "I know you're uncomfortable about meeting my husband. I don't need you to hang out with us often if you'd rather not, but it would really help me--and him--if you and he met at least once so you know who each other is. He's completely okay with our relationship, so there's no worry about how he'll act. He just sees that you make me happy, and he wants to meet the person who makes me feel that way."

ok, I'm stealing this, verbatim :)
Especially that last sentence, because it sums up exactly how Andy feels and does it in a way that is very clear and non threatening.
Thank you!
 
What do you hope to accomplish with the meeting? You're willing to push for it even though Dag doesn't want it? What happens when you 3 get together and Dag is completely uncomfortable? Are you going to feel bad that you forced him to do something he's held so strongly that he's never done it before?
 
What do you hope to accomplish with the meeting? You're willing to push for it even though Dag doesn't want it? What happens when you 3 get together and Dag is completely uncomfortable? Are you going to feel bad that you forced him to do something he's held so strongly that he's never done it before?

I doubt she could "force" Dag, a grown man, to do anything. She could encourage him, even pressure him, explain all the benefits (like not wanting the metas to meet over her ER gurney). He might listen to reason, he might not. Men can be so competitive, and they can be insecure and feel a need to cover up this "weakness."

No metas need to hang out together. But I don't get being afraid to meet, and the bf panicking if he's at her home and her h is on his way home, and him running away. What's wrong with a, "Hello, nice to meet you," and a quick handshake at the door, as one comes home and one leaves? His fear of a shotgun makes me think he is new to poly and really doesn't trust it.
 
Maybe it's just more of a guy thing. I really have no desire to meet the other person my girlfriend may be fucking. No need to share pleasentries as I would feel we already share enough.
 
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