I hope we're in the right place

[ourlttlsecret]

Hello,

We are new to the site and to polyamory. We posted an introduction, but now are seeking advice from people with more experience than we have (which is to say, virtually none). We are trying to avoid having to make two long posts in two different forums. So here we go...

We are a happily married couple of 14 years. We are emotionally secure, financially stable, and most importantly, healthy. Earlier in our marriage, we experimented with including bisexual females in our bedroom. At first there was obvious apprehension, on both sides, but we soon realized that we enjoyed it and it did not complicate our relationship in any facet.

At that time, we were only interested in physical relationships, and that is what we used it for. It was a spark in our sex lives that is sometimes needed. We had three or four different partners in a short amount of time, and then, all of a sudden, we abruptly stopped. We never pursued this type of activity again, although we still speak of it from time to time.

Here is where the advice will hopefully help us figure out if we are in the right place or not. As stated in our intro, we work a lot of hours separate from each other, and we have a child at home. Although one of us is always home while the other is away, there is that sort of emptiness from only one of us being around. We think we are ready to accept someone into our relationship now to help fill in some of that space and time.

Don't get us wrong, we do see each other, and have time on weekends, but we are grounded enough to know that having someone else in our lives would not only be a refreshing development, but good for each of us, individually AND as a couple.

Is it asking a lot of someone else to become involved with us?
Is this the right place to seek these answers?

We know every situation has different dynamics. But we think we fall under the polyamorous definition. If so, where in the world do we start?

When we were younger, meeting sexually adventurous women wasn't so difficult, but now that we are both 40, and are looking for an actual long-term relationship, it almost seems impossible! My wife had a few of her women friends over this weekend for a poker game, and the subject came up because of a recent reality show on TV. Out of these eight women, only one woman wasn't completely turned off by the thought of having these types of open relationships.

How has the subject affected your lives, if this is viewed as being so taboo?

I am sorry this was so long-winded. We are pretty sure this is what we want, but I guess we are looking for some validation from people with some of the same wants/needs in their lives. All information is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance! We look forward to being a part of your forum.

 

[Athena]

I really don't know what to tell you. I a few know couples I wouldn't mind being married to, along with my husband. However, my husband wouldn't marry them, but wouldn't mind swinging with them. We simply know better than to ever bring it up, because we are that sure of how conventional they are.

Right now, I am pretty happy as is, and even if my husband ends up swinging a bit on his own, I don't feel a burning need for another relationship. I wouldn't toss one away if it developed though, either.

Probably you need a local outlet at which to meet other poly-minded people, which is not the easiest with a kid at home.

 

[redpepper]

I would suggest you have a good look around here and do some searches for what might interest you. Check Golden Nuggets for relevant threads.

I would also suggest going online to dating sites and see who you can find. There are some that seem to work better than others, such as OKCupid, depending on where you are. Also see if you can find a local poly group. You might find some info about groups on dating sites.

I am assuming you are looking for a "unicorn," a bisexual female, otherwise unattached, who would be willing to attach to both you and your partner. Is this the case? If so, there are definitely threads here about finding such women.

It sounds like your wife's friends are interested. Is anyone willing and interesting there?

Be warned though, being sexually open is not the same thing as being polyamorous. Did the women friends talk about the differences, or was the conversation just about simply having NSA sex with others?

 

[ourlttlsecret]

First of all, thank you for replying to our first post here. I am sure that our situation is common on this site.

Your assumptions are correct; we are looking for a unicorn. We will definitely spend a little more time searching for the threads labeled as such. We have only used the internet to try and locate local outlets, but have been unsuccessful.

As far as how the conversation took place, it was about a polygamist TV show (completely different from what we are looking for). The women discussed the topic and were turned off by the thought of sharing their partner with other women. That was actually the biggest con in the discussion. Personally, I thought it sounded like it was about their own insecurity. I wonder how many were actually intrigued, but did not want to be frowned upon by the group.

Either way, this is not a pool of women that we could or would consider, even the one that was curious.

It's hard to find a dating site that specifies the criteria from which we are coming and what we are trying to accomplish. We have quite a challenge in front of us. I hope all the time we spend is worth what we are looking for.

I believe I used the term "open" incorrectly. As we are new, we are trying to keep up with the vernacular without embarrassing ourselves too much!

Thanks again for your time.