No disrespect to the poly folks out there, but try as I might, I just don't understand it. Let me be clear, I don't pass judgement on it as being "wrong", provided that everyone involved is fully aware, consenting, and has their feelings taken into concern. But in my case, this is not something that I will ever be willing to accept in my household, and marriage.
I've posted about a month ago regarding my wife and her reveal to me that she considers herself to be poly, yet insists that the others involved are platonic, but does not have a problem with the possibility of things going further if her feelings change, and of course, I were to be on board.While I appreciate her consideration, I can say with absolute certainty, that I will NEVER be on board with her getting physical with another. We have a "closed" marriage, and it must continue to be so for me to be a part of it.
I know that poly people tend to view love as infinite. Personally, I don't. I think that love involves actions, just as much as feelings. And when one chooses to spend more time with another, leaving less time for someone else, it's impossible to accurately claim that they can love the two equally. Now, in my case, she says that she loves me far more than any of the others, yet, I've had to find myself practically begging for her attention. This has sent me into a tailspin, resulting in the worst 5 week stretch of my life. I've suffered sever anxiety, insomnia, have been in therapy, lost interest in work, loss of appetite, lost 19lbs, and have climbed to almost 2 packs/day. This has destroyed me both mentally and physically.
Upon discussing this matter daily, where she keeps insisting that I'm making mountains out of molehills, the fact that she kept continuing this, despite knowing the damage done, had left me actually considering leaving her. I came home one day & walked in the door in the midst of a severe panic attack, which was exacerbated by seeing her on a Skype call with the one she has been closest with. She took me in her arms & attempted to calm me down from hyperventilating. Once I sort of regained my composure, I just repeated "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore". She began to grow frustrated & was disturbed that I felt that the ONLY way our marriage could move forward, was that she had to completely sever any & all contact with them, especially the one she had been closest with.
Now, understand that I've never had problems with her having friends online,or anywhere else. I also don't have a problem with her having male friends. I'm not jealous of her ability to have friendships with people. The fact is, that with this guy in particular, she was talking to him far more than most rational people would consider normal. Morning, noon & night, playing games, watching movies together via webcam on Skype - often 2 or 3 back to back, while I found myself doing everything I could to keep busy while waiting for her to throw me a bone every now & then. A few weeks ago, I came home early from work due to the upcoming holiday weekend (July 4), hoping to have a day with just her & I. Well, after we went to have a bite to eat, and came home, she went online to "watch a couple of movies" at 3pm. She didn't get offline until 2:30 am. Nearly 12 hours, and she didn't seem to see anything wrong with that. This was my breaking point, and the moment where I knew that this could not continue if our marriage is to survive. We discussed compromise, and she began to see my point a little more. Unfortunately, the damage has been done so greatly, that there never really was going to be a chance for us as long as they were in the picture.
I also had discovered, that this guy in particular, has made a habit out of getting involved in online relationships with married women. According to a mutual friend, my wife is #6 on his list. I had had a gut feeling about him that I didn't trust. But did everything I could to stuff it down for months. Once she revealed this side of her, my distrust of him only grew. And even though she claims that he has never given her the impression that he's after more than just a platonic friendship, I still didn't trust him. And I've heard the same BS over & over where people claim that by saying I don't trust him, is just like saying that I don't trust her. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, that my job is to keep my family safe. And I could NEVER condone with wife telling another man that she "loves" him, knowing that he'd be all over her like a cheap suit the second the opportunity could present itself. Even if she were to reject him.
She revealed that there were 5 others. Although, she had not told 3 of them as of yet. And admits that she will likely never will based on my reaction to the other two. I have a huge problem with the fact that she discussed this with those two before telling me. If our marriage is first & foremost, then it should be us discussing it first. And as of now, she has promised to completely cut off contact with them.
Please understand, I'm not puffing my chest as though I "won" something. She's been noticeably upset over doing this. But as I told her, this is both of our marriage. And if one feels that they cannot be part of it based on certain conditions, then the other has a choice to make. I've always been raised under the philosophy that no one has the right to actively engage in activities that hurt those they love. If you're making your spouse uncomfortable, stop it.
I've posted about a month ago regarding my wife and her reveal to me that she considers herself to be poly, yet insists that the others involved are platonic, but does not have a problem with the possibility of things going further if her feelings change, and of course, I were to be on board.While I appreciate her consideration, I can say with absolute certainty, that I will NEVER be on board with her getting physical with another. We have a "closed" marriage, and it must continue to be so for me to be a part of it.
I know that poly people tend to view love as infinite. Personally, I don't. I think that love involves actions, just as much as feelings. And when one chooses to spend more time with another, leaving less time for someone else, it's impossible to accurately claim that they can love the two equally. Now, in my case, she says that she loves me far more than any of the others, yet, I've had to find myself practically begging for her attention. This has sent me into a tailspin, resulting in the worst 5 week stretch of my life. I've suffered sever anxiety, insomnia, have been in therapy, lost interest in work, loss of appetite, lost 19lbs, and have climbed to almost 2 packs/day. This has destroyed me both mentally and physically.
Upon discussing this matter daily, where she keeps insisting that I'm making mountains out of molehills, the fact that she kept continuing this, despite knowing the damage done, had left me actually considering leaving her. I came home one day & walked in the door in the midst of a severe panic attack, which was exacerbated by seeing her on a Skype call with the one she has been closest with. She took me in her arms & attempted to calm me down from hyperventilating. Once I sort of regained my composure, I just repeated "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore". She began to grow frustrated & was disturbed that I felt that the ONLY way our marriage could move forward, was that she had to completely sever any & all contact with them, especially the one she had been closest with.
Now, understand that I've never had problems with her having friends online,or anywhere else. I also don't have a problem with her having male friends. I'm not jealous of her ability to have friendships with people. The fact is, that with this guy in particular, she was talking to him far more than most rational people would consider normal. Morning, noon & night, playing games, watching movies together via webcam on Skype - often 2 or 3 back to back, while I found myself doing everything I could to keep busy while waiting for her to throw me a bone every now & then. A few weeks ago, I came home early from work due to the upcoming holiday weekend (July 4), hoping to have a day with just her & I. Well, after we went to have a bite to eat, and came home, she went online to "watch a couple of movies" at 3pm. She didn't get offline until 2:30 am. Nearly 12 hours, and she didn't seem to see anything wrong with that. This was my breaking point, and the moment where I knew that this could not continue if our marriage is to survive. We discussed compromise, and she began to see my point a little more. Unfortunately, the damage has been done so greatly, that there never really was going to be a chance for us as long as they were in the picture.
I also had discovered, that this guy in particular, has made a habit out of getting involved in online relationships with married women. According to a mutual friend, my wife is #6 on his list. I had had a gut feeling about him that I didn't trust. But did everything I could to stuff it down for months. Once she revealed this side of her, my distrust of him only grew. And even though she claims that he has never given her the impression that he's after more than just a platonic friendship, I still didn't trust him. And I've heard the same BS over & over where people claim that by saying I don't trust him, is just like saying that I don't trust her. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, that my job is to keep my family safe. And I could NEVER condone with wife telling another man that she "loves" him, knowing that he'd be all over her like a cheap suit the second the opportunity could present itself. Even if she were to reject him.
She revealed that there were 5 others. Although, she had not told 3 of them as of yet. And admits that she will likely never will based on my reaction to the other two. I have a huge problem with the fact that she discussed this with those two before telling me. If our marriage is first & foremost, then it should be us discussing it first. And as of now, she has promised to completely cut off contact with them.
Please understand, I'm not puffing my chest as though I "won" something. She's been noticeably upset over doing this. But as I told her, this is both of our marriage. And if one feels that they cannot be part of it based on certain conditions, then the other has a choice to make. I've always been raised under the philosophy that no one has the right to actively engage in activities that hurt those they love. If you're making your spouse uncomfortable, stop it.