Hi CTF.
Can I ask what your objective is? It seems you've been here for a little while and have a good level of awareness. You've been able to see the perspective of others from the feedback you've received.
It will come time to make a decision of what you will do. You can set boundaries and define what you are willing to tolerate in your marriage.
It is clear you are not content with the status quo. What is your plan?
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I just wanted to post to ask the above, but it occurs that you were soliciting a broad range of views so might as well add my two cents. I don't feel comfortable giving "advice" and my own situation is pretty screwed up - I've posted about it. In fact, reading your story has made me even more cautious and aware of the potential consequences of what I desire.
I intuit that your wife is or was having a weight management issue. Maybe diet / exercise / other lifestyle habits are something that needs to be addressed to rectify this? And it wouldn't be a bad idea to engage in physical recreation together.
I think you've been excessively permissive / tolerant and that this has potentially made her insecure. You verbalise what you stand for but don't seem to follow it up with action. You don't want anything but monogamy but she is continually pushing your boundaries, right under your nose. In some ways she is behaving like a spoiled child; e.g. colluding with this loser to quit her job and not paying you the respect to discuss her decision with you.
We become like the company we keep and someone who has time to sit at home and play video games / watch films all day while flirting with a bunch of married women with whom he is not having sex is a loser. This sounds judgemental and whatever, and I might get some grief from the community here. The point is this isn't someone who is healthy mentally or spiritually - probably not physically either as weak minds tend to go with weak bodies.
Do you believe that you are worthy of a partner who is present for her marriage with you rather than one who would prefer retreating into a virtual fantasy world and engaging in inappropriate relationships with loser men who collude with her to bring out the absolute worst in her? (sloth, neglect of her family, etc) Can you act in accordance with this belief and set her some clear boundaries?
She will likely rail against them, threaten to leave you, etc...but can you be strong enough to stand firm and offer her that secure space within which she can find personal fulfilment and nourish her positive qualities once again? This needs to be done with compassion, determination, and above all a willingness to walk away if she is not prepared to develop herself.
You might find reading marriagebuilders dot com helpful.
I am sorry for what you are going through and I wish you the best in rebuilding your marriage. It sounds like you love her very much and can still see the good in her. Let her know this. She is better than this behaviour and I'm sure with enough introspection and effort you can learn to be happy together again.
Wow! Very well said I must admit. I almost don't know where to begin, so I'll try to tackle everything as best I can.
I first want to say that, I really am looking for perspectives from all sides. I may not agree with everyone's assessments, but I'm more than willing to hear people out. Also, I really don't understand the concept of polyamory, and for 2 decades, my wife has never uttered a hint that it fits her, so I thought it would be best to ask those with far more experience. Again, it doesn't meant that I'll understand it, but I feel that it's important to try.
We have set boundaries. We discussed it the very first night she revealed it to me. I'll spare most of the fine details, but essentially, sex is completely out of the question, as is embrace type hugging, hand holding, kissing, cuddling, or anything else that could be construed as a romantic gesture. They are not to celebrate holidays other than a "happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas", no Valentines, no sending of flowers, or gifts of any kind for that matter. And definitely, no saying "I love you". While I'm aware that there is nothing that I can really do to prevent many of these, especially when I'm not around, I consider ANY of those as a form of cheating, and yes, I would have to make the decision to leave if I catch wind that any of them happened. Fortunately, we live in California, and he lives in New Jersey, so I can feel confident that the physical aspects would never happen anyway, but I do include things like dirty talk or suggestive pictures to be right there on the list.
As far as the plan... It's simple. No polyamorous relationships. I can't control feelings two people may have for each other, but as long as I'm alive, our marriage will remain forever, closed. And this loser has, so far, been out of the picture (as long as my wife is telling the truth) for 2 weeks now.
I'm glad that my story has made you more cautious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging ANYONE else on whether or not they should. I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who actually do make it work. But if I could offer any advice from my perspective, I would tell you to make sure that your partner would be on board before even suggesting it. Do not build a relationship with someone else before hand, or else it would come across like an affair. And, make sure you know what your game plan is... If your partner would be dead set against it, are you willing to go without it to preserve what you have> Or would you be willing to dissolve in order to pursue it? Know those answers first.
It's not so much a weight management issue, but rather, a string of health concerns. She's had thyroid problems for a few years, she was diagnosed with a panic disorder back in Feb., and the most recent one, is stage 1 Uterine cancer. Fortunately, there, it does not appear to be spreading, and the doctors are very confident that this will have a good outcome. So with all of that, she has not been working almost 6 months now. But, she had an operation back in November, that kept her off of work until the holidays last year... That was when their conversations began to take up more & more time.
It's funny, I also think that I've been very permissive. That's why I get confused when I'm told that I'm "possessive". From October, through June, I never said a word (Well, almost never). And it wasn't until she brought up the polyamory, that my ears perked up. I had suspicions, but always dismissed it by feeling that there's no way she could do such a thing right under my nose. If one had a secret love interest, it wouldn't make sense to talk constantly to that person right in front of their spouse whom they know would be vehemently against it.
And yes, he IS a loser. I couldn't have said that better myself. And my wife knows that I don't have a single positive thing to say about it... Especially now. It's funny, I've said some pretty disparaging things about him to her, mostly to see how she'll react. She doesn't like it, but she knows she can't jump to high to defend him... The best one, (now keep in mind, she kept insisting that it was purely platonic) was when I said "Well, yeah, I believe you when you say it's platonic, because you'd have to be insane to find him attractive". I could tell she wasn't too fond of that, but she had no defense for it, and had to keep her mouth shut and say she agreed.
Here's the thing... Worthy is a difficult word. I've grown up with low self esteem & depression all my life. I've been the doormat for friends while growing up. But she was the one person who never made me feel that way. So I've managed to gain some confidence from our marriage. I don't back down easily with her, because I feel that what we have, only works when both are committed. If I feel like she's not, and not willing to be, then our marriage would be nothing more than a sham. And I'm not going to pretend to the public that everything's wonderful, if it's really not. The only thing worse than feeling like you're worthless, is having to pretend that you don't.
I feel, honestly, that I have offered her that. Sometimes the dynamics change, and I personally think that had it not been for the extended amount of time she spent online while having so much free time, nothing like this would have ever really developed. But, like I said, I am not willing to compromise what's important to me in our marriage. I love her very, very much, and don't like thinking of such an outcome, but I feel that I certainly would do that if that's what it came to.
Thank you for the kind words & wishes.
