I may have made a mistake.

T

Testof

New member
Please excuse the first post being so heavy as I'm sure many are.

My open relationship is quite new to me but not my partner so I don't know how to behave a lot of the time. We started our relationship about 3 months ago and everything is moving very quickly, I'm having a little trouble keeping up.

Recently my partner had started a relationship with another man and was being very flirty and open in front of other people. I had been asked to keep what we had a secret however. She has been flirty and affectionate towards him, while I've gotten none. Recently I had a discussion with her about this and I said I felt like I was not being treated equally. We all talk over skype quite frequently however I go to sleep much earlier than either of them and they stay up and talk for about an hour or two after I go to sleep. I no longer get any private time with her. So in light of that we agreed that she would tell the other person that we were in an open relationship. Easily enough, he was very understanding and his feelings towards her did not change to which I was very grateful for.

What I'm wondering is if asking for that kind of equality was a wrong thing to do? Each relationship is different and has their own feelings. I feel like I've shot myself in the foot a little bit by asking for that equality. She has been very dismissive of my affection even before bringing up the issue, but nothing has really changed. Am I being sensitive or does this seem like an issue to you, the outside observer?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Do you mean you and she just opened three months ago? Or that you have dated each other a total of three months? I am not clear on that.

Each mini relationship within the larger polyship needs time and care. It is not wrong to express that you have needs going unmet like time alone with her. She is not a mind reader so for her to know you have to speak up. Was that ever solved?

What do you mean by she is dismissive of your affection? Could you give an example? What would you like instead?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

Do you mean you and she just opened three months ago? Or that you have dated each other a total of three months? I am not clear on that.

Each mini relationship within the larger polyship needs time and care. It is not wrong to express that you have needs going unmet like time alone with her. She is not a mind reader so for her to know you have to speak up. Was that ever solved?

What do you mean by she is dismissive of your affection? Could you give an example? What would you like instead?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

We have been dating a total of 3 months, she and I had been long time friends and recently we have gotten together under the intention to get married next year. I should also clarify that this is currently a distance relationship and she is moving here in october. Her other partner is currently in another state as well. So our only means of communication are through skype, text and phone.

As far as time alone with her, the last time I tried to speak with her alone with no reason, just to call and talk, she became upset as to why I was excluding the other person. I had called just to talk and she said that we really didn't talk about anything important, so why did we need to talk alone. We do not speak individually anymore, but we can speak freely now with the other person. Her and him still talk individually for about an hour or two almost every night. He had been saying he loves her and goodnight, though the sentiment was not always returned from her to him, I did not get that opportunity until recently when I am able to say the same before I get to bed but always with another person there. That was the main point that was bothering me.

As far as being dismissive of my affection, whenever I say something flirty or compliment her, it's not returned as it is with the other person. That started happening when she became involved with this other person.
 
She sounds like lousy marriage material. She's infatuated with this new guy and is being completely dismissive to you.
 
Testof said:
So this is not normal behavior in this kind of relationship when a new person is added?
Click to expand...

There is no such things as "normal" behavior, but there are such things as respectful, caring, compassionate behavior or crappy, dismissive, insensitive behavior. If you're not getting the first option - respect, caring, and compassion - why stay? And why agree to marry someone when you've only been dating for three months and you can never get together in person or speak to her privately? That is weird, even if you have known each other for years.

If I were you, and someone got pissy with me just because I wanted to talk without another person listening in on our conversation, I'd wonder if they were mentally unbalanced. And I'd probably get the hell out of that situation.
 
nycindie said:
There is no such things as "normal" behavior, but there are such things as respectful, caring, compassionate behavior or crappy, dismissive, insensitive behavior. If you're not getting the first option - respect, caring, and compassion - why stay? And why agree to marry someone when you've only been dating for three months and you can never get together in person or speak to her privately? That is weird, even if you have known each other for years.

If I were you, and someone got pissy with me just because I wanted to talk without another person listening in on our conversation, I'd wonder if they were mentally unbalanced. And I'd probably get the hell out of that situation.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for your insight. I am awful at analyzing situations that I'm a part of. If I can't get what I need, or have her acknowledge that I am not getting what I need without begrudgingly complying, then this relationship will not work.
 
Thank you for clarifying.

Even if you have been friends for years, that is not the same as dating or being engaged for years. I would not rush to marry this person after 3 months of long distance dating over Skype.

Whatever she is doing on the other side of the V does not much matter. What matters is that you have some concerns that are not being addressed on THIS side -- connection needs that are not acknowledged much less met. Does not sound like you are being treated well.

Even if nothing deep is being discussed at this time, that is how privacy and trust grow. You start sharing small stuff and move in to bigger. The other partner does not have to be listening in on everything. Just like you would not be listening on everything they talk about.

I do not know if it would get better once she moves closer. If you incline to wait and see? I would suggest she get her own flat and you guys date locally when she moves for a time and reassess then.

Could not rush to share a home or marry though. Those things can come later if it does work out. If it does not work out ...do not make it harder to break up because you are stuck as roomies or cannot afford to file a divorce.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top